Strategy?

[Guest guest]

Hi there,

I've been a member of this group for awhile now, but I've never posted anything.

Until yesterday, I hadn't even read all the way through some of your posts.

It's not because I don't want to, it's just that my other life takes precedence

(home and dog owner, committed relationship, grad school, part time work and

extacurricular activities-geez, that's a lot).

Now that I'm on spring break and read some of your posts, I am amazed. I knew

people had similar issues, but to read the detail is incredible. I'm not crazy!

Yay!

Long story short, my mom has undiagnosed BPD and I'm pretty sure she's had it

all my life. I'm 30 years old and an only child, so I got to bear the brunt of

it. She and my dad separated when I was 6 (which is something she's never quite

gotten over). He's been minimally involved since. He says he's too old now to

try and understand her mental health issues (glad you're so privileged dad). In

addition to the BPD, she's an alcoholic, has Hep C, high blood pressure and

probably a bit of depression. She has a ton of other qualities that you all

have mentioned in your posts as well.

Our current situation includes me avoiding her as much as possible since I live

about 3.5 hours away from her. We've had very minimal contact. Last I saw her

was October. She tries to call every Sunday, and if I'm not available, I must

not want a mother anymore. She's been known to be extreme (like 30 calls in a

day), but she's been on a mellow kick lately. I have no hope this will last

forever, as it never does.

What I want to know from others is if it's possible to have a healthy

relationship with her at this point? Pessimistic me says no, but optimistic me

says yes. Is joint therapy a good idea? Is her moving to my town a good idea?

My therapist (T, right?) has said that probably anything I do will be an issue.

It's never good enough for her because her fear of abandonment is too high. I

tried the NC thing, but she got my information innocently from an old friend.

I don't want to sound whiney, but it's really hard to realize at 30 that you

really don't have the support of your parents, which are my only family really

(never really had contact with anyone else).

I've learned a lot in my work experiences (DV shelter) and continue to do so in

my county mental health internship. This is helpful, but I'm just wondering

what you all are doing out there.

I heard a rumor recently that women are more likely to follow in their mother's

BP footsteps. I want to ensure that never happens.

Thanks everyone.

[Guest guest]

It may or may not be possible to have a healthy relationship

with her. That depends on how bad her symptoms are, how good you

are at standing up to her, and how much of a relationship you're

thinking about having. There's a difference between a healthy

relationship and a normal relationship though. I don't believe

it is possible to have a normal relationship with a mother who

is a nada. I manage to have a relationship with mine. It is

fairly superficial but it is working okay. She hasn't done

anything really terrible to me for three or four years now.

Getting to that point took standing up to her and being really

firm about not putting up with her bad behavior. I don't talk to

her about anything that is important to me or involve her in

anything that matters to me. I let her take me out to lunch or

dinner occasionally and give her help when she really needs

help. If she bad-mouths me or anyone I care about I end that

contact after giving her one warning. If you want to try to have

a healthy relationship with your nada, the first thing to do is

set up some boundaries to define what you will and won't accept

about her behavior. Then set some consequences that you can

follow through on if she breaks your boundaries. The boundaries

are for you, not for her. You don't have to tell her about them

if you don't want to. Just don't let her violate them without

consequences that will bother her.

I doubt that joint therapy will accomplish anything unless she

is actually admitting that she has BPD and wants to overcome it.

That doesn't seem likely. Most people with BPD simply won't

continue going to any therapist who suggests that they have BPD.

There's nothing wrong with them in their own minds, so when a

therapist says there is, they don't think the therapist is worth

going to. For them joint therapy is all about helping you fix

your problems, not about their problems.

Her moving to your town sounds terrible to me. Which one of you

is considering that? I'd be much happier if my nada would move

to the opposite side of the country and leave me alone.

If you want people to support you, I suggest making your own

family out of people who care about you. Being related by blood

isn't what matters. Caring about each other is what is

important.

Forget about that rumor you heard. BPD seems to be involve some

genetic factors, but if you don't have BPD at 30 you're not

likely to develop it and if you're worried about it that's most

likely an indication that you don't have it. BPD is something

that normally shows up at a much younger age than that. People

who have it generally don't worry about possibly having it

because they " know " that there's nothing wrong with them and

that it is everyone else who has a problem.

At 02:36 PM 03/19/2011 yenimaria007 wrote:

>Hi there,

>I've been a member of this group for awhile now, but I've never

>posted anything. Until yesterday, I hadn't even read all the

>way through some of your posts. It's not because I don't want

>to, it's just that my other life takes precedence (home and dog

>owner, committed relationship, grad school, part time work and

>extacurricular activities-geez, that's a lot).

>Now that I'm on spring break and read some of your posts, I am

>amazed. I knew people had similar issues, but to read the

>detail is incredible. I'm not crazy! Yay!

>Long story short, my mom has undiagnosed BPD and I'm pretty

>sure she's had it all my life. I'm 30 years old and an only

>child, so I got to bear the brunt of it. She and my dad

>separated when I was 6 (which is something she's never quite

>gotten over). He's been minimally involved since. He says

>he's too old now to try and understand her mental health issues

>(glad you're so privileged dad). In addition to the BPD, she's

>an alcoholic, has Hep C, high blood pressure and probably a bit

>of depression. She has a ton of other qualities that you all

>have mentioned in your posts as well.

>Our current situation includes me avoiding her as much as

>possible since I live about 3.5 hours away from her. We've had

>very minimal contact. Last I saw her was October. She tries

>to call every Sunday, and if I'm not available, I must not want

>a mother anymore. She's been known to be extreme (like 30

>calls in a day), but she's been on a mellow kick lately. I

>have no hope this will last forever, as it never does.

>What I want to know from others is if it's possible to have a

>healthy relationship with her at this point? Pessimistic me

>says no, but optimistic me says yes. Is joint therapy a good

>idea? Is her moving to my town a good idea? My therapist (T,

>right?) has said that probably anything I do will be an

>issue. It's never good enough for her because her fear of

>abandonment is too high. I tried the NC thing, but she got my

>information innocently from an old friend.

>I don't want to sound whiney, but it's really hard to realize

>at 30 that you really don't have the support of your parents,

>which are my only family really (never really had contact with

>anyone else).

>I've learned a lot in my work experiences (DV shelter) and

>continue to do so in my county mental health internship. This

>is helpful, but I'm just wondering what you all are doing out

>there.

>I heard a rumor recently that women are more likely to follow

>in their mother's BP footsteps. I want to ensure that never

>happens.

>Thanks everyone.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Hi Yeni,

You're the only one who can decide what will work for you, in your individual

case. There is no best answer, no " oughts " or " shoulds " .

Some can manage remaining in contact with our bpd mom if the contact is limited,

and under certain conditions or " boundaries " , or rules.

For example, you can establish the boundary that you will phone your mother

every Sunday, and talk with her for 30 minutes (this is just for example

purposes; you get to decide all the actual details.)

My nada (bpd mom) goes through periods of being more reasonable and normal, and

then she will revert to her angry, critical, demanding, accusatory, whiny

behaviors again.

That's smart to start reading up about personality disorder and educating

yourself about the behaviors. It helps us to take their negative, acting out

behaviors and distorted thinking and negativity less personally. " Understanding

the Borderline Mother " and " Stop Walking On Eggshells " are among the good books

out there about having a person with bpd in your life.

-Annie

>

> Hi there,

> I've been a member of this group for awhile now, but I've never posted

anything. Until yesterday, I hadn't even read all the way through some of your

posts. It's not because I don't want to, it's just that my other life takes

precedence (home and dog owner, committed relationship, grad school, part time

work and extacurricular activities-geez, that's a lot).

> Now that I'm on spring break and read some of your posts, I am amazed. I knew

people had similar issues, but to read the detail is incredible. I'm not crazy!

Yay!

> Long story short, my mom has undiagnosed BPD and I'm pretty sure she's had it

all my life. I'm 30 years old and an only child, so I got to bear the brunt of

it. She and my dad separated when I was 6 (which is something she's never quite

gotten over). He's been minimally involved since. He says he's too old now to

try and understand her mental health issues (glad you're so privileged dad). In

addition to the BPD, she's an alcoholic, has Hep C, high blood pressure and

probably a bit of depression. She has a ton of other qualities that you all

have mentioned in your posts as well.

> Our current situation includes me avoiding her as much as possible since I

live about 3.5 hours away from her. We've had very minimal contact. Last I saw

her was October. She tries to call every Sunday, and if I'm not available, I

must not want a mother anymore. She's been known to be extreme (like 30 calls

in a day), but she's been on a mellow kick lately. I have no hope this will

last forever, as it never does.

> What I want to know from others is if it's possible to have a healthy

relationship with her at this point? Pessimistic me says no, but optimistic me

says yes. Is joint therapy a good idea? Is her moving to my town a good idea?

My therapist (T, right?) has said that probably anything I do will be an issue.

It's never good enough for her because her fear of abandonment is too high. I

tried the NC thing, but she got my information innocently from an old friend.

> I don't want to sound whiney, but it's really hard to realize at 30 that you

really don't have the support of your parents, which are my only family really

(never really had contact with anyone else).

> I've learned a lot in my work experiences (DV shelter) and continue to do so

in my county mental health internship. This is helpful, but I'm just wondering

what you all are doing out there.

> I heard a rumor recently that women are more likely to follow in their

mother's BP footsteps. I want to ensure that never happens.

> Thanks everyone.

>

[Guest guest]

> What I want to know from others is if it's possible to have a healthy

relationship with her at this point? Pessimistic me says no, but

optimistic me says yes.

A better way to look at is is what are the boundaries that permit you to

live a healthy life. Once you establish those , firmly, then she may,

to the extent that she will, be a part of your life, on your terms. If

she violates your boundaries, you treat her like a toddler or a puppy

you re housebreaking. Consequences. Time out. No contact for a while.

Is joint therapy a good idea?

As I responded on another s post, Oh HELL NO!

Look, joint therapy? No such animal. Couples therapy, but you are not

married. Family therapy is an option, but not while she is still in the

active, acting out stages of BPD. She will use it as a platform to eat

you alive. She will lie, gasllight, whatever term you prefer, and say ,

Well my T said you were wrong and mean and didndt treat me right. You

also do not need to be in family therapy until you are healthy enough,

in the view of your own T , and yourself, to face nada in a very

emotionally trying time.

What would be your goal in joint sessions? For you to be able to tell

the T the awful truths which you are sure they don t know, so poor sick

mom will finally say, OMG I can t belive I ve been so awful, please

forgive me, and help me heal? I m not being sarcastic, it is just that

was MY fanstasy therapy session. It s not going to happen.

YOUR goal in therapy is to get healthy yourself. Her goal in therapy

should be to become aware of her issues, and do that hard work of

saying, yes, I m perfect, now let s change everything about me. Most

won t do that. For the ones who do, there comes a point where the

family s involvement in therapy can be helpful to them and to the T.

But until that point, if they request it , it is manipulation and

deceipt.

Is her moving to my town a good idea? My therapist (T, right?) has said

that probably anything I do will be an issue. It's never good enough for

her because her fear of abandonment is too high.

True these words are, young Paduan. Moving to your town she must not.

Strong in the dark side is she, and ready you are not. mmm..yes....

( that was my Yoda . What do you think? )

I tried the NC thing, but she got my information innocently from an old

friend.

> I don't want to sound whiney, but it's really hard to realize at 30

that you really don't have the support of your parents, which are my

only family really (never really had contact with anyone else).

Yes, it is hard. It is more than that, it is damned heartbreaking. It

is a loss. Grieve it. But don t own it. It is NOT. YOUR. FAULT.

> I've learned a lot in my work experiences (DV shelter) and continue to

do so in my county mental health internship. This is helpful, but I'm

just wondering what you all are doing out there.

> I heard a rumor recently that women are more likely to follow in their

mother's BP footsteps. I want to ensure that never happens.

> Thanks everyone.

Women don t become BP because their moms are. People become wounded

because their moms are BP, and need help to heal.

Doug

>

[Guest guest]

Hi there, glad you found some time to post, but I absolutely understand

being busy! I don't have as much time to read & post anymore myself, but I

still like to check in when I can =) I hope you find the group as helpful

as I have.

Your nada sounds a lot like mine. But the only person who can figure out if

there is anything worth salvaging in the relationship is you. Some of us

are very happy being NC (no contact), others stay LC (low contact) and other

have more contact with their BPD parent/s. Is it possible? I have no idea

but I really can relate to how you must be feeling right now. It took me 2

years to go NC with my nada. I'm very glad I did... even though she &

grandnada have now tracked me down =( But I refuse to live my life in fear.

It's my life, darn it, and I get to say who's in it and who's not. I also

get to say what boundaries I want other people to respect.

IMO, going NC with a parent is not something to be done lightly in most

cases. I really feel strongly that it's something you need to really think

about and prepare for. It's also something that a therapist could maybe

help you with, as long as any other possible issues you might have from

having a likely BPD parent. Again, no therapist can tell you " Go NC/LC with

her " , but they can help you think of the things to consider before you make

that decision. One thing I might recommend you try first is to go LC with

her. It sounds sort of like you are now, but the difference I might try to

implement is setting boundaries with her. " Mom, you called 30 times

yesterday. I was at <work/school/whatever>. 30 times in one day is not

acceptable. I think we should limit it to <# of times per week/month>. "

Just something to consider. I wish you lots of luck. It sure isn't an easy

decision to make, and it doesn't work for everyone. But I have faith that

you'll come to the decision that is best for YOU =)

Mia

[Guest guest]

Hey...I think that's the best advice I've heard lately.

At age 54, with a couple of Therapists behind me,

and plenty of reading, that advice sounds great.

Good luck to you. Be careful. BPD's can be very

endearing when they want something. To me, it's a lot

like having a 3 year-old for a parent....except YOU get

to be the parent.

babyfoggy

> >Hi there,

> >I've been a member of this group for awhile now, but I've never

> >posted anything. Until yesterday, I hadn't even read all the

> >way through some of your posts. It's not because I don't want

> >to, it's just that my other life takes precedence (home and dog

> >owner, committed relationship, grad school, part time work and

> >extacurricular activities-geez, that's a lot).

> >Now that I'm on spring break and read some of your posts, I am

> >amazed. I knew people had similar issues, but to read the

> >detail is incredible. I'm not crazy! Yay!

> >Long story short, my mom has undiagnosed BPD and I'm pretty

> >sure she's had it all my life. I'm 30 years old and an only

> >child, so I got to bear the brunt of it. She and my dad

> >separated when I was 6 (which is something she's never quite

> >gotten over). He's been minimally involved since. He says

> >he's too old now to try and understand her mental health issues

> >(glad you're so privileged dad). In addition to the BPD, she's

> >an alcoholic, has Hep C, high blood pressure and probably a bit

> >of depression. She has a ton of other qualities that you all

> >have mentioned in your posts as well.

> >Our current situation includes me avoiding her as much as

> >possible since I live about 3.5 hours away from her. We've had

> >very minimal contact. Last I saw her was October. She tries

> >to call every Sunday, and if I'm not available, I must not want

> >a mother anymore. She's been known to be extreme (like 30

> >calls in a day), but she's been on a mellow kick lately. I

> >have no hope this will last forever, as it never does.

> >What I want to know from others is if it's possible to have a

> >healthy relationship with her at this point? Pessimistic me

> >says no, but optimistic me says yes. Is joint therapy a good

> >idea? Is her moving to my town a good idea? My therapist (T,

> >right?) has said that probably anything I do will be an

> >issue. It's never good enough for her because her fear of

> >abandonment is too high. I tried the NC thing, but she got my

> >information innocently from an old friend.

> >I don't want to sound whiney, but it's really hard to realize

> >at 30 that you really don't have the support of your parents,

> >which are my only family really (never really had contact with

> >anyone else).

> >I've learned a lot in my work experiences (DV shelter) and

> >continue to do so in my county mental health internship. This

> >is helpful, but I'm just wondering what you all are doing out

> >there.

> >I heard a rumor recently that women are more likely to follow

> >in their mother's BP footsteps. I want to ensure that never

> >happens.

> >Thanks everyone.

>

> --

> Katrina

>

[Guest guest]

OMG I'm a 30 year old only child of a single, BPD nada too!! It's a rough road!

Mine is rather high-functioning, and once I started to realize that she was the

mental one and that there was a nice, sane world out there that I could actually

function in, I started working on me. Working on me helped me set boundaries

with her, which then turned around and helped me more. I would say yes, it is

possible to have a relatively healthy relationship with the nada. Not a good

relationship, not a mother-child relationship, but once you set realistic

expectations, it is possible to have the nada in your life in a safer and more

constructive way.

That being said, I would avoid joint therapy. It's likely to just give her more

ammunition. It's always a con with nadas, and you don't need it. Work on you,

your life, your values, your boundaries. If your nada can fit into it in a

positive (or shit, even neutral) way, then awesome. If not, it's time to

consider the LC/NC strategy.

I would also say that the nada moving to your town is a bad idea. I live next

door to mine, and some physical distance would make me happy. It's a lot easier

to manage 30 phone calls a day than 30 visits a day.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Thanks for your post!

[Guest guest]

Thank you to everyone for your thoughts. It's very helpful to hear from others

in similar situations. I will definitely try to keep in touch here as my

situation progresses.

I'm no expert yet, but hopefully I can contribute as time goes on.