Role Models

[Guest guest]

Parents are supposed to be role models for their children...they are you

supposed to show a child the difference between right and wrong, and how adults

are supposed to treat each other and in marriage.  My parents were farmers, and

when I was a baby, my dad was in a tractor accident and broke his back.  My mom

took care of him, me, the farm and all the chores involved, with help from her

family and his.  This injury caused him to need two back surgeries later, and my

mom took care of him and my brother and I then, as well as farm chores.  My mom

died of early onset alzheimers, but wasn't diagnosed until after my dad divorced

her.  I always thought it was strange that my mom nursed him through all of

those injuries and always helped do things on the farm.  My T made a comment one

day about how dependent my dad seemed to be on my stepmom, and I had a thought. 

My mom was too sick to take care of him, so he dumped her and married someone

who could.  Of course, I can't prove this, and I will probably never be told the

truth, but that's what my feeling is.  My brother told me that my dad once made

a comment to him about how me finding by bio mom hurt him.  I got to thinking

about that one too, and I realized if he really felt good about his

parenting skills, then he wouldn't feel threatened by my bio mom. 

Then, I get to thinking, no wonder I can't have a good relationship with a man,

and why I have trouble making friends....why I am so messed up.  I had a father

who thinks it's ok to dump your sick wife for another woman just because

the first wife can't take care of him. 

Just some thoughts that have been rambling though my head for a couple of weeks

now.  I usually question my instincts, and I guess I am now.

Janet 

 

 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own

understanding.

 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

 Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.

 It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones.

Proverbs 3:5-8

[Guest guest]

Yes, Janet, parents ARE supposed to be role models for their children. Your dad

sounds like a dyed-in-the-wool NPD to me. And that would be typical behavior

for any NPD. Although my nada is definitely BPD, she has a goodly share of NPD,

too. When my cousin (the all-good, golden child to my no-good only child self)

moved in with nada, I expected nada's life to be utter bliss. But NOOOOO! Nada

found out that cousin was bi-polar, BPD, and an alcoholic. In other words,

cousin was going to require far more care than she was going to be able to give

to nada. The result? I became the all-good child in a flash. And the

cherished cousin was knocked off her pedestal forever and left to languish in

the land of the unfavored. In fact, when my cousins (golden child and her

sister) arrived for a surprise visit at nada's house, nada took the first

opportunity she had to get cousin alone and raged at her, sending them both back

to the car immediately to drive 10 hours back home. Cousin went to her grave

without revealing what nada had said to her, but it must have been devastating.

So, it doesn't seem to matter to nadas and fadas how much care and attention has

been lavished on them by others. Their one focus is, " What have you done for me

today, and what can you do for me tomorrow? " They have no sense of obligation,

no guilt. Now, this in now way begins to compare with what your fada has done,

but let me give you a small example of what I mean. I took care of nada for 6

weeks when she broke her shoulder and had to have surgery. Apparently, she told

her neighbors what good care I took of her. To me she said, and I quote, " I

don't remember being at your house at all! " I had to laugh to myself. I didn't

expect gratitude, of course, but amnesia was a little over the top. In a later

conversation, she made a comment about her dog playing with one of my dogs

during that time, and I said, " Oh, you DO remember being here, then. " She had

nothing to say to that, lol. With them, there is no right and wrong, just their

needs which MUST be met, no matter who gets hurt. I'm so sorry that you and

your mother and brother had to go through this. It is monstrous and there is no

excuse for it. But as adults, we have our own choices to make. Since you have

a scripture reference after your signature, I'll share my thoughts with you. We

have a heavenly Father who knows and loves us, and can direct us to the man He

chooses for us if we'll let Him. That's how I met my husband of 35 years, and I

highly recommend it. But the verse you chose says it more eloquently than I

ever could.

Joy

>

> Parents are supposed to be role models for their children...they are you

> supposed to show a child the difference between right and wrong, and how

adults

> are supposed to treat each other and in marriage.  My parents were farmers,

and

> when I was a baby, my dad was in a tractor accident and broke his back.  My

mom

> took care of him, me, the farm and all the chores involved, with help from her

> family and his.  This injury caused him to need two back surgeries later, and

my

> mom took care of him and my brother and I then, as well as farm chores.  My

mom

> died of early onset alzheimers, but wasn't diagnosed until after my dad

divorced

> her.  I always thought it was strange that my mom nursed him through all of

> those injuries and always helped do things on the farm.  My T made a comment

one

> day about how dependent my dad seemed to be on my stepmom, and I had a

thought. 

> My mom was too sick to take care of him, so he dumped her and married someone

> who could.  Of course, I can't prove this, and I will probably never be told

the

> truth, but that's what my feeling is.  My brother told me that my dad once

made

> a comment to him about how me finding by bio mom hurt him.  I got to thinking

> about that one too, and I realized if he really felt good about his

> parenting skills, then he wouldn't feel threatened by my bio mom. 

>

> Then, I get to thinking, no wonder I can't have a good relationship with a

man,

> and why I have trouble making friends....why I am so messed up.  I had a

father

> who thinks it's ok to dump your sick wife for another woman just because

> the first wife can't take care of him. 

> Just some thoughts that have been rambling though my head for a couple of

weeks

> now.  I usually question my instincts, and I guess I am now.

> Janet 

>  

>  Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own

> understanding.

>  In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

>  Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.

>  It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones.

> Proverbs 3:5-8

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

In a similar way to your experience taking care of your nada and then having her

say she didn't remember any of it, my nada was behaving that way RE my Sister.

Sister had been in the habit of coming over to visit our nada twice a week, just

to give her some company and take her grocery shopping. Nada began complaining

that Sister was selfish and neglecting her, so Sister started going over three

times a week. It didn't matter; nada still felt that Sister was neglecting her.

My Sister began to become rather obviously depressed. I urged Sister to cut

back, but she felt obligated to try to please our nada. To make a long story

short, nada went ballistic at one point and made a horrible and untrue

accusation against Sister (and me, and Sister's boy) and that was the straw that

broke the camel's back. Sister has been in Very Low Contact ever since,

peppered with stretches of No Contact when nada acts out. When they are in Low

Contact, Sister goes over to see nada once a month. Oddly enough, nada is

behaving herself better now, most of the time. And, not so oddly, nada is now

claiming that she only sees Sister " once a year. " (!!?)

I truly think that borderline pd involves a true, organic brain dysfunction that

does not allow the bpd person the ability to perceive reality accurately. Its a

disability. They are cognitively impaired. If you're not right there in front

of them, you don't exist. Feelings equal facts to the person with bpd, despite

reality. They have little if any sense of memory vs reality. If they can't

remember a visit from you, then, despite evidence to the contrary (like

photos)... the visit never happened.

I think the nearly constant lying that some with bpd engage in is due to

additional organic factors of lacking a sense of right and wrong (lacking a

conscience) and lacking empathy (the ability to care about other people.) This

is an aspect of antisocial pd / psychopathy, and it seems that some of the

current research is leaning toward the conclusion that psychopaths are born, not

made. (Dr. Hare is in that camp.) Its like the places in the brain

where a conscience and empathy are supposed to be, just aren't there.

I think that future scientific studies will discover that borderline pd in

particular (among the Cluster B pds) has something in common with schizophrenia.

Some organic issue with their brain wiring/brain chemistry, but just minor

enough that they're not actively hallucinating most of the time. Or, perhaps

they're in a constant very low-grade or partial hallucinatory state. I can't

think of another reason why my nada has always seemed to perceive reality so

differently than I (or Sister) do.

I'm willing to bet money that this will turn out to be the case: that borderline

pd really is " schizophrenia lite. "

Personality disorder is layers and layers of conundrum.

Those with pds have a brain disorder that makes them believe they do not have a

brain disorder. Those with pds look like adults, but they are really about 18

months old emotionally. Those with pds can be attractive, charming, and loving,

and then change in an instant into abusive monsters, and back again, seemingly

at will. The situation that brings out the most selfless and caring emotions in

normal people, parenthood, brings out the worst in the individual with

personality disorder.

-Annie

I took care of nada for 6 weeks when she broke her shoulder and had to have

surgery. Apparently, she told her neighbors what good care I took of her. To

me she said, and I quote, " I don't remember being at your house at all! " I had

to laugh to myself. I didn't expect gratitude, of course, but amnesia was a

little over the top. In a later conversation, she made a comment about her dog

playing with one of my dogs during that time, and I said, " Oh, you DO remember

being here, then. " She had nothing to say to that, lol. With them, there is no

right and wrong, just their needs which MUST be met, no matter who gets hurt.