Beware: NC then LC may be harmful to your health

[Guest guest]

Friends I need to get this out....

I went NC for about 6 months after Mr. Wonderful brother

moved in on nada (lost his home/job/woman again at age 43).

Nada is very ill with kidney disease, and probably a few other

things she won't allow a doctor to treat. Brother is eating her

out of house and home on her small income, and she makes

his truck payments $400 a whack. He contributes nothing

materially. He does take her to dialysis (most of the time)

and cleans up after her when she refuses to wear a diaper.

(Doesn't make sense but then she never does) I think he

is a flying monkey.

Here it is. He's basically a bum. He is healthy and has

no EXCUSE for not working, or trying to work. He lives

in a daydream he'll grow up and be a rock star and he plays

in rock bands for a pentance when they get jobs ...and he

moved in to the family house and moved all the family antiques

OUT (don't know where to) and took over the basement apartment.

He leaves her stranded for things, doesn't get her meds,

pantry is about bare, takes her cash, and so on. Then he

calls me to come over and take care of her while he plays

his guitar somewhere, so I can find her desperate.

I found her this way one night, and she informed me that

this brother hung the moon, and she's going to leave the

house and its contents to him when she dies. (no surprise

there because she is always leaving the house to someone

besides the WHOLE family)

He's more than a flying monkey. I think he is also bpd.

If I approach him about any deficiency in her care he will

blow up and go through a teenager's laundry list of how

life is so bad for him and nobody understands.

Nada is in bad shape, and it doesn't seem to be an act...

but then his part in this is his failure to do even one

thing well...If he has agreed to take care of her in

exchange for a place to live...he isn't doing that either.

I am about two inches from calling him on this and getting

social services out there on neglect/abuse of an elder.

Then...what? I go down there? Not a good idea either.

She could never believe Mr. Wonderful brother was doing

anything wrong to her. She would never accept me, the

only daughter and oldest child, as a caretaker.

She WILL NOT consider Assisted Living which is what she

really needs.

Somewhere there has to be a reasonable solution.

The problem is that Mr. Wonderful brother the flying monkey

needs to fly off on his own. Nada, by herself, would

even be easier to handle than having him as a leech

hanging on to her skirt to get what comes his way too.

LC may prove to be a mistake. I'm already sucked in by the

fact that he has neglected her so much, she needs food stamps,

doctor visits are overdue, and he just throws up his hands

like " I dunno what to do " . Once again I am required by the

FOO to bail another brother out, and nada. Once again these

totally inept people cannot print a DHS form and fill it out,

or have the damned sense to put it in the mail and get food

stamps. Once again.

I think I will limit my time over there tomorrow to a couple

of hours and that's it. Mr. Wonderful brother can turn off

his facebook and guitar and get upstairs to do what he

already agreed to do.

LC for about a week now ...and already I'm thinking...

SC Seldom Contact.

Any ideas/suggestions you guys? I'm too close to this forest

to see any trees.

I appreciate you guys so much. Having this place to come and

be understood....and share what we've all learned...Thanks

all of you for the good things you share.

babyfoggy

[Guest guest]

If you are pretty sure that your brother is draining your nada financially

and/or doing a substandard job of being her caretaker (he neglects to get her to

doctor's appointments, he neglects to pick up her prescription meds, he doesn't

go grocery shopping, he does not prepare her adequate meals regularly, he lets

her sit in her own crap for hours or days, he doesn't pay her bills from her

income, etc.) then your nada is actually being abused.

If that's the situation, and if this were happening in my family I'd start

documenting this stuff in order to make the case stick. Take pictures. Take a

friend or another relative as a witness when you go visit your nada.

Record/film yourself and nada having a conversation about the fact that there is

no food in the house, the place is filthy, nada (perhaps) has a rash from

sitting in her own crap, and her bank statement (perhaps) shows a lot of

unexplained withdrawals (or whatever the issues actually are; record the

conversations so the films have a time/date stamp.)

Then after a few weeks of documenting the problems, I'd call Adult Protective

Services (or the proper agency) and make a report, and ask for an evaluation.

Then let social services handle it; let them make the recommendation for a

course of action that is in your nada's best interests even if she's not happy

about it. (If she doesn't mind sitting around in her own crap, missing doctor's

appointments, not getting her proper meds, not eating regularly, and being

embezzled, then, she's no longer competent to make rational judgments in her own

best interest.)

But if you do call social services and make such a report, be prepared that

doing that will probably result in your nada and other foo members going No

Contact with you. It will probably be viewed as an act of betrayal, instead of

an act of rescue.

So, in my opinion, its at a point where you have to decide what you can and

can't handle. Its your call.

-Annie

>

> Friends I need to get this out....

>

> I went NC for about 6 months after Mr. Wonderful brother

> moved in on nada (lost his home/job/woman again at age 43).

> Nada is very ill with kidney disease, and probably a few other

> things she won't allow a doctor to treat. Brother is eating her

> out of house and home on her small income, and she makes

> his truck payments $400 a whack. He contributes nothing

> materially. He does take her to dialysis (most of the time)

> and cleans up after her when she refuses to wear a diaper.

> (Doesn't make sense but then she never does) I think he

> is a flying monkey.

>

> Here it is. He's basically a bum. He is healthy and has

> no EXCUSE for not working, or trying to work. He lives

> in a daydream he'll grow up and be a rock star and he plays

> in rock bands for a pentance when they get jobs ...and he

> moved in to the family house and moved all the family antiques

> OUT (don't know where to) and took over the basement apartment.

> He leaves her stranded for things, doesn't get her meds,

> pantry is about bare, takes her cash, and so on. Then he

> calls me to come over and take care of her while he plays

> his guitar somewhere, so I can find her desperate.

> I found her this way one night, and she informed me that

> this brother hung the moon, and she's going to leave the

> house and its contents to him when she dies. (no surprise

> there because she is always leaving the house to someone

> besides the WHOLE family)

>

> He's more than a flying monkey. I think he is also bpd.

> If I approach him about any deficiency in her care he will

> blow up and go through a teenager's laundry list of how

> life is so bad for him and nobody understands.

> Nada is in bad shape, and it doesn't seem to be an act...

> but then his part in this is his failure to do even one

> thing well...If he has agreed to take care of her in

> exchange for a place to live...he isn't doing that either.

>

> I am about two inches from calling him on this and getting

> social services out there on neglect/abuse of an elder.

> Then...what? I go down there? Not a good idea either.

> She could never believe Mr. Wonderful brother was doing

> anything wrong to her. She would never accept me, the

> only daughter and oldest child, as a caretaker.

> She WILL NOT consider Assisted Living which is what she

> really needs.

> Somewhere there has to be a reasonable solution.

> The problem is that Mr. Wonderful brother the flying monkey

> needs to fly off on his own. Nada, by herself, would

> even be easier to handle than having him as a leech

> hanging on to her skirt to get what comes his way too.

>

> LC may prove to be a mistake. I'm already sucked in by the

> fact that he has neglected her so much, she needs food stamps,

> doctor visits are overdue, and he just throws up his hands

> like " I dunno what to do " . Once again I am required by the

> FOO to bail another brother out, and nada. Once again these

> totally inept people cannot print a DHS form and fill it out,

> or have the damned sense to put it in the mail and get food

> stamps. Once again.

>

> I think I will limit my time over there tomorrow to a couple

> of hours and that's it. Mr. Wonderful brother can turn off

> his facebook and guitar and get upstairs to do what he

> already agreed to do.

>

> LC for about a week now ...and already I'm thinking...

> SC Seldom Contact.

> Any ideas/suggestions you guys? I'm too close to this forest

> to see any trees.

> I appreciate you guys so much. Having this place to come and

> be understood....and share what we've all learned...Thanks

> all of you for the good things you share.

> babyfoggy

>

[Guest guest]

Some comments below

> Here it is. He's basically a bum. He is healthy and has

> no EXCUSE for not working, or trying to work. He lives

> in a daydream he'll grow up and be a rock star and he plays

> in rock bands for a pentance when they get jobs

Pan syndrome. This does not mean he is BPD, but I bet all of us

know a 40 year old teenager who still wants to make it big. It is hard

work to make it in music. I have friends who are professional

musicians. The dream is all well and good. But then comes the years

of work and paying your dues, and then maybe you ll still just make a

living, and maybe not. A bum is a bum. He needs to grow up. But if he

won t , dont YOU change his diapers.

....and he

> moved in to the family house and moved all the family antiques

> OUT (don't know where to) and took over the basement apartment.

> He leaves her stranded for things, doesn't get her meds,

> pantry is about bare, takes her cash, and so on. Then he

> calls me to come over and take care of her while he plays

> his guitar somewhere, so I can find her desperate.

> I found her this way one night, and she informed me that

> this brother hung the moon, and she's going to leave the

> house and its contents to him when she dies. (no surprise

> there because she is always leaving the house to someone

> besides the WHOLE family)

You can t change nada being nada. A lot of elders, BP or not, are

abused by relatives and refuse to see it.

>

> He's more than a flying monkey. I think he is also bpd.

> If I approach him about any deficiency in her care he will

> blow up and go through a teenager's laundry list of how

> life is so bad for him and nobody understands.

Awww, the poor little boy. TFB! Grow up. The whiney little bitch.

> Nada is in bad shape, and it doesn't seem to be an act...

> but then his part in this is his failure to do even one

> thing well...If he has agreed to take care of her in

> exchange for a place to live...he isn't doing that either.

>

> I am about two inches from calling him on this and getting

> social services out there on neglect/abuse of an elder.

Go the extra 2 inches. Call it in. They will come and look, and they

are capable of determining if her care is adequate. And then, nothing.

You don t have to take over. You don t have to identify yourself when

you call. They will investigate. If they determine abuse , they can

take steps. If she is not being cared for and refuses to change things,

they have options you don t. Oh, they may contact you and ask if you

are willing, but you can simply say, no, mom is mentally ill and won t

accept me as her caretaker and I don t want to be subjected to her. End

of story.

> Then...what? I go down there? Not a good idea either.

> She could never believe Mr. Wonderful brother was doing

> anything wrong to her. She would never accept me, the

> only daughter and oldest child, as a caretaker.> She WILL NOT consider

Assisted Living which is what she

> really needs.

If APS determines that she is not able to live alone and the relative

with her is abusing her, she may get Assisted living , like it or not.

> Somewhere there has to be a reasonable solution.

Does there? You are dealing with a BP and a 40 yo teen aged bum.

> The problem is that Mr. Wonderful brother the flying monkey

> needs to fly off on his own. Nada, by herself, would

> even be easier to handle than having him as a leech

> hanging on to her skirt to get what comes his way too.

>

> LC may prove to be a mistake. I'm already sucked in by the

> fact that he has neglected her so much, she needs food stamps,

> doctor visits are overdue, and he just throws up his hands

> like " I dunno what to do " . Once again I am required by the

> FOO to bail another brother out, and nada.

Required? Hardly. Pressed, requested, guilted, FOGed, but not

required. They cannot require you to do anything. You may , with

total justification, sit down with FOO and Bum and say, here is the lay

of the land, boys and girls. Brother is doing X. You guys are doing

nothing. Nada is mentally deragned and nada. Not one of you has the

right to tell me to do a damn thing.

I will do the following, on my terms, and here they are. Set out what

you will agree to, what they must do, and if they don t like it, then

say, no problem, your right.

And your problem, and walk out of the conversation.

If they agree, and then violate the terms they agreed to, hand them the

keys and walk away.

But a BP FOO and nada and bum Golden child are not about to change or

give up the gravy train.

Make the call. And tell FOO to kiss you where your lips won t reach!

It is their problem, they have helped make it, as has nada, and you are

not going to accept her abuse of you because of a situation that all of

them have built.

Doug