Guest guest Posted March 21, 2011 Report Share Posted March 21, 2011 Nada passed this afternoon peacefully in her comatose state taking her last breathe. The hospice nurse Penny was there and she said she 'just went to sleep'. I never wanted her to suffer. I saw her Friday noon when we got there as it is a 6 hour drive down there. Her eyes were closed and she didn't know I was there I don't believe. I told her to go to the light and go in peace. I didn't want her to suffer any more. Despite her BPD and her treatment of me because of it, she is still my mother. It wasn't her fault I believe that she suffered with BPD, but of course we could all debate that forever and have on here in various blogs in the time I've been a member of this group, but we can't be sure. She has left me an enormous paper trail to sort out and that's the tip of the iceberg in getting this all straightened out. Hopefully this Saturday I can have her Memorial Service and her ashes will be back from the crematory so I can bury her ashes next to my stepfather on Sunday, but I'll know more about that possibility tomorrow. If need be I'll go down one more time to bury her in a few weeks if that isn't the case, but it's expensive to go down there so often as I have been lately so I am hoping to get it all done this last time this weekend and that will be that. My feelings are mixed, but truthfully there hasn't been many tears shed here (though I'm sure those will come later). I'm hardly an unemotional, insensitive person - far from it, but it's been a long while coming so I think that made it a bit easier really. Sure I mourn the mother I never had and now will never have in this life anyway, but I want to believe that she will really understand things as they really were now and the delusion she lived under will be no more. That may take time, but this is my fervent hope - that she will have learned from this and more importantly for me that she will understand the past for what it really was and not what her fantasy life made it up to be. Well anyway the next week should be very interesting in many ways. Thanks to all who take the time to read my posts and those who comment on them. You have all made me feel better throughout this ordeal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 21, 2011 Report Share Posted March 21, 2011 (((hugs))) I am glad that she was able to go in peace. I'm sorry for your loss. > > > Nada passed this afternoon peacefully in her comatose state taking her last > breathe. The hospice nurse Penny was there and she said she 'just went to > sleep'. > > I never wanted her to suffer. > > I saw her Friday noon when we got there as it is a 6 hour drive down there. > Her eyes were closed and she didn't know I was there I don't believe. I told > her to go to the light and go in peace. I didn't want her to suffer any > more. Despite her BPD and her treatment of me because of it, she is still my > mother. It wasn't her fault I believe that she suffered with BPD, but of > course we could all debate that forever and have on here in various blogs in > the time I've been a member of this group, but we can't be sure. > > She has left me an enormous paper trail to sort out and that's the tip of > the iceberg in getting this all straightened out. > > Hopefully this Saturday I can have her Memorial Service and her ashes will > be back from the crematory so I can bury her ashes next to my stepfather on > Sunday, but I'll know more about that possibility tomorrow. If need be I'll > go down one more time to bury her in a few weeks if that isn't the case, but > it's expensive to go down there so often as I have been lately so I am > hoping to get it all done this last time this weekend and that will be that. > > My feelings are mixed, but truthfully there hasn't been many tears shed > here (though I'm sure those will come later). I'm hardly an unemotional, > insensitive person - far from it, but it's been a long while coming so I > think that made it a bit easier really. > > Sure I mourn the mother I never had and now will never have in this life > anyway, but I want to believe that she will really understand things as they > really were now and the delusion she lived under will be no more. That may > take time, but this is my fervent hope - that she will have learned from > this and more importantly for me that she will understand the past for what > it really was and not what her fantasy life made it up to be. > > Well anyway the next week should be very interesting in many ways. > > Thanks to all who take the time to read my posts and those who comment on > them. You have all made me feel better throughout this ordeal. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 21, 2011 Report Share Posted March 21, 2011 (((((Marilyn))))) Your mother is at peace now. She isn't suffering any longer, and the suffering she caused you is past. You have been through an incredibly horrible ordeal; sometimes it takes a good long while for the shock to wear off. You may cry, and you may not; there is no should or ought to in this regard. So please be gentle with yourself and do what you have to do, just take it one day at a time. Keep posting whenever you feel like it. It takes a while to process all this trauma. My condolences. -Annie > > Nada passed this afternoon peacefully in her comatose state taking her last breathe. The hospice nurse Penny was there and she said she 'just went to sleep'. > > I never wanted her to suffer. > > I saw her Friday noon when we got there as it is a 6 hour drive down there. Her eyes were closed and she didn't know I was there I don't believe. I told her to go to the light and go in peace. I didn't want her to suffer any more. Despite her BPD and her treatment of me because of it, she is still my mother. It wasn't her fault I believe that she suffered with BPD, but of course we could all debate that forever and have on here in various blogs in the time I've been a member of this group, but we can't be sure. > > She has left me an enormous paper trail to sort out and that's the tip of the iceberg in getting this all straightened out. > > Hopefully this Saturday I can have her Memorial Service and her ashes will be back from the crematory so I can bury her ashes next to my stepfather on Sunday, but I'll know more about that possibility tomorrow. If need be I'll go down one more time to bury her in a few weeks if that isn't the case, but it's expensive to go down there so often as I have been lately so I am hoping to get it all done this last time this weekend and that will be that. > > My feelings are mixed, but truthfully there hasn't been many tears shed here (though I'm sure those will come later). I'm hardly an unemotional, insensitive person - far from it, but it's been a long while coming so I think that made it a bit easier really. > > Sure I mourn the mother I never had and now will never have in this life anyway, but I want to believe that she will really understand things as they really were now and the delusion she lived under will be no more. That may take time, but this is my fervent hope - that she will have learned from this and more importantly for me that she will understand the past for what it really was and not what her fantasy life made it up to be. > > Well anyway the next week should be very interesting in many ways. > > Thanks to all who take the time to read my posts and those who comment on them. You have all made me feel better throughout this ordeal. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 22, 2011 Report Share Posted March 22, 2011 Hugs to you Marilyn. I know it has been a painful and long road, and now it is the time of working out what the loss means to you. Wishing you peace and comfort. > > Nada passed this afternoon peacefully in her comatose state taking her last breathe. The hospice nurse Penny was there and she said she 'just went to sleep'. > > I never wanted her to suffer. > > I saw her Friday noon when we got there as it is a 6 hour drive down there. Her eyes were closed and she didn't know I was there I don't believe. I told her to go to the light and go in peace. I didn't want her to suffer any more. Despite her BPD and her treatment of me because of it, she is still my mother. It wasn't her fault I believe that she suffered with BPD, but of course we could all debate that forever and have on here in various blogs in the time I've been a member of this group, but we can't be sure. > > She has left me an enormous paper trail to sort out and that's the tip of the iceberg in getting this all straightened out. > > Hopefully this Saturday I can have her Memorial Service and her ashes will be back from the crematory so I can bury her ashes next to my stepfather on Sunday, but I'll know more about that possibility tomorrow. If need be I'll go down one more time to bury her in a few weeks if that isn't the case, but it's expensive to go down there so often as I have been lately so I am hoping to get it all done this last time this weekend and that will be that. > > My feelings are mixed, but truthfully there hasn't been many tears shed here (though I'm sure those will come later). I'm hardly an unemotional, insensitive person - far from it, but it's been a long while coming so I think that made it a bit easier really. > > Sure I mourn the mother I never had and now will never have in this life anyway, but I want to believe that she will really understand things as they really were now and the delusion she lived under will be no more. That may take time, but this is my fervent hope - that she will have learned from this and more importantly for me that she will understand the past for what it really was and not what her fantasy life made it up to be. > > Well anyway the next week should be very interesting in many ways. > > Thanks to all who take the time to read my posts and those who comment on them. You have all made me feel better throughout this ordeal. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 22, 2011 Report Share Posted March 22, 2011 (((((Libra))))) LIke Holly, I'm glad she went in peace and am very sorry for your loss. It must be very conflicting. I do hope you can continue to heal now. Take care of yourself. Mia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 22, 2011 Report Share Posted March 22, 2011 My initial thought was to say- I am sorry for your loss, but I hope it brings you some degree of peace and comfort. This time will probably be such a time of contrasts and mixed emotions. You made it through, Lovely Lady. You have the most beautiful inner spirit that comes across in your writing. Wounded, but definitely beautiful. She is still your mother. That where the contrast comes in, because there is some love there, but it's the BPD that made things seem so ugly. I find myself trying to frequently reconcile the 2, but it's often difficult in my own situation. I hope for peace for you. That you can now relax and re-learn how to live a life without Nada physically being present. May you have good friends and family to continue to help you through this process. I am happy that she is no longer suffering. I wish you strength for the process to close out her affairs, as well. Please take care. My heart is with you. I knew she would go soon from your posts. Latasha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 22, 2011 Report Share Posted March 22, 2011 Mine passed too recently and hugs to you for the complicated sad weirdness of this experience. It really is different from losing a non-BPD parent. Your experience and mine were similar -- in fact, strangely enough, I woke up this morning remembering the phrase I kept saying to everyone during M's final weeks: " I just don't want her to suffer. " After she passed, I kept saying, " I never wanted her to suffer. " Then minutes later I saw your post, which includes this exact same phrase. Mine too did not know me anymore in the last weeks. And in the last few days she was unconscious and not awake. I too realize that her illness was not her fault, but nonetheless, part of the sorrow now for people in our position is knowing how much our mothers suffered in their lifetimes and how much we suffered as a result, as did perhaps our fathers and others. And how it didn't have to be that way, but fate put us into their lives and they in ours, and on and on and on with years of torment. And yes, I think in the afterlife they are examining what happened.... Other folks do NOT get it, and one watches one's words after the death of a parent, because one is expected ONLY to grieve and cry and never speak ill of the dead. A friend gave me some very good advice as I was preparing for M's memorial gathering. My friend said, " Whatever you say, just for those three hours, make it NOT be about you. Think up beforehand a few positive and true phrases you can say about M, and just keep saying those phrases or variations of them. By all means for those three house keep the conversation OFF yourself. Nobody gets how it was for you, and they don't have to, so to avoid [flying monkey droppings], just keep saying your practiced lines. " This was actually very practical advice. I came up with " She loved her volunteer job so much and helped so many people through it " ... and " I never wanted her to suffer. " Both true. Privately, I could think about the rest of the story. And this is the murky weepy part. But the rest of the world (outside this forum) doesn't understand. I've noticed that when you tell people, as a generic statement, " My mother died recently " or " I recently lost my mom, " they almost ALWAYS respond in a very brief general way. They say, " I'm so sorry " or " Are you OK? " but do not ask for details. Maybe they think it's rude or intrusive or they don't want you to cry in front of them, but whatever. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 22, 2011 Report Share Posted March 22, 2011 Marilyn, you must be feeling so many, many emotions all at once. I'll be thinking of you this weekend. Sending you hugs. Hang in there. Deeep breath... > > Nada passed this afternoon peacefully in her comatose state taking her last breathe. The hospice nurse Penny was there and she said she 'just went to sleep'. > > I never wanted her to suffer. > > I saw her Friday noon when we got there as it is a 6 hour drive down there. Her eyes were closed and she didn't know I was there I don't believe. I told her to go to the light and go in peace. I didn't want her to suffer any more. Despite her BPD and her treatment of me because of it, she is still my mother. It wasn't her fault I believe that she suffered with BPD, but of course we could all debate that forever and have on here in various blogs in the time I've been a member of this group, but we can't be sure. > > She has left me an enormous paper trail to sort out and that's the tip of the iceberg in getting this all straightened out. > > Hopefully this Saturday I can have her Memorial Service and her ashes will be back from the crematory so I can bury her ashes next to my stepfather on Sunday, but I'll know more about that possibility tomorrow. If need be I'll go down one more time to bury her in a few weeks if that isn't the case, but it's expensive to go down there so often as I have been lately so I am hoping to get it all done this last time this weekend and that will be that. > > My feelings are mixed, but truthfully there hasn't been many tears shed here (though I'm sure those will come later). I'm hardly an unemotional, insensitive person - far from it, but it's been a long while coming so I think that made it a bit easier really. > > Sure I mourn the mother I never had and now will never have in this life anyway, but I want to believe that she will really understand things as they really were now and the delusion she lived under will be no more. That may take time, but this is my fervent hope - that she will have learned from this and more importantly for me that she will understand the past for what it really was and not what her fantasy life made it up to be. > > Well anyway the next week should be very interesting in many ways. > > Thanks to all who take the time to read my posts and those who comment on them. You have all made me feel better throughout this ordeal. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 22, 2011 Report Share Posted March 22, 2011 Libra, I offer my condolences. I just read your post this morning. I am glad to know your mom went peacefully. And yes, she is still your mother, so please allow yourself the space and time to grieve. I think that's very important. Take good care and I hope you can sort through your mom's affairs with the smallest amount of hassles possible. Annie 2 > > Nada passed this afternoon peacefully in her comatose state taking her last breathe. The hospice nurse Penny was there and she said she 'just went to sleep'. > > I never wanted her to suffer. > > I saw her Friday noon when we got there as it is a 6 hour drive down there. Her eyes were closed and she didn't know I was there I don't believe. I told her to go to the light and go in peace. I didn't want her to suffer any more. Despite her BPD and her treatment of me because of it, she is still my mother. It wasn't her fault I believe that she suffered with BPD, but of course we could all debate that forever and have on here in various blogs in the time I've been a member of this group, but we can't be sure. > > She has left me an enormous paper trail to sort out and that's the tip of the iceberg in getting this all straightened out. > > Hopefully this Saturday I can have her Memorial Service and her ashes will be back from the crematory so I can bury her ashes next to my stepfather on Sunday, but I'll know more about that possibility tomorrow. If need be I'll go down one more time to bury her in a few weeks if that isn't the case, but it's expensive to go down there so often as I have been lately so I am hoping to get it all done this last time this weekend and that will be that. > > My feelings are mixed, but truthfully there hasn't been many tears shed here (though I'm sure those will come later). I'm hardly an unemotional, insensitive person - far from it, but it's been a long while coming so I think that made it a bit easier really. > > Sure I mourn the mother I never had and now will never have in this life anyway, but I want to believe that she will really understand things as they really were now and the delusion she lived under will be no more. That may take time, but this is my fervent hope - that she will have learned from this and more importantly for me that she will understand the past for what it really was and not what her fantasy life made it up to be. > > Well anyway the next week should be very interesting in many ways. > > Thanks to all who take the time to read my posts and those who comment on them. You have all made me feel better throughout this ordeal. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 22, 2011 Report Share Posted March 22, 2011 Marilyn, I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm praying for you and that your friends will come alongside you to comfort and support you. And know that you will always find comfort and support here, not just now when the loss is fresh, but whenever you need us. Take good care of yourself, too. Joy > > Nada passed this afternoon peacefully in her comatose state taking her last breathe. The hospice nurse Penny was there and she said she 'just went to sleep'. > > I never wanted her to suffer. > > I saw her Friday noon when we got there as it is a 6 hour drive down there. Her eyes were closed and she didn't know I was there I don't believe. I told her to go to the light and go in peace. I didn't want her to suffer any more. Despite her BPD and her treatment of me because of it, she is still my mother. It wasn't her fault I believe that she suffered with BPD, but of course we could all debate that forever and have on here in various blogs in the time I've been a member of this group, but we can't be sure. > > She has left me an enormous paper trail to sort out and that's the tip of the iceberg in getting this all straightened out. > > Hopefully this Saturday I can have her Memorial Service and her ashes will be back from the crematory so I can bury her ashes next to my stepfather on Sunday, but I'll know more about that possibility tomorrow. If need be I'll go down one more time to bury her in a few weeks if that isn't the case, but it's expensive to go down there so often as I have been lately so I am hoping to get it all done this last time this weekend and that will be that. > > My feelings are mixed, but truthfully there hasn't been many tears shed here (though I'm sure those will come later). I'm hardly an unemotional, insensitive person - far from it, but it's been a long while coming so I think that made it a bit easier really. > > Sure I mourn the mother I never had and now will never have in this life anyway, but I want to believe that she will really understand things as they really were now and the delusion she lived under will be no more. That may take time, but this is my fervent hope - that she will have learned from this and more importantly for me that she will understand the past for what it really was and not what her fantasy life made it up to be. > > Well anyway the next week should be very interesting in many ways. > > Thanks to all who take the time to read my posts and those who comment on them. You have all made me feel better throughout this ordeal. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 22, 2011 Report Share Posted March 22, 2011 Libra, my condolences on the passing of your nada. I've followed your posts online, and when I didn't hear anything for a couple of days, I really was wondering if she had finally passed. The bright side is you finally have control over a few things. I know that nada left you a big papertrail, but at least you can do the work as you see fit, and in completing that work, there is a kind of closure waiting for you. We all wish you a serene and peaceful process. Blessings, AFB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 22, 2011 Report Share Posted March 22, 2011 Sorry for your loss. In July, it will be 2 years since my nada passed. The grieving is as complicated as was life with them. I know. All the complexities you are going thru now, dealing with death, estate, and family issues, I went through in 2009. If I can help in any way answering questions about my experiences, please reach out. I ll be only too happy to help. Sorry for your pain. Doug will understand the past for what it really was and not what her fantasy life made it up to be. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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