Stressed about upcoming visit

[Guest guest]

I am so stressed about seeing my mother this weekend. She was totally abusive

to me until 10 years ago. All the classic borderline stuff. Then when I was

39, we had a big blow-out and I confronted her about various things. While she

did not take full responsibility, she did pull herself together and manage to

treat me like a human being for 10 years, after never treating me like a human

being ever. It was amazing. I really got the best she had to offer in that

amount of time. Of course, she was still depressed and used me as a sounding

board for her complaints about other people and her own mystery, but she was

decent to me. Then all of the sudden, after all that time of lulling me into a

sense of false security, she totally blew. We were in a hotel room the night

before I was scheduled to have surgery, and totally out of the blue she starts

screaming like a maniac about all the grievances she ever had about me from

birth to age 25. And she starting bringing in grievances about other people

too. I was so taken aback, I just wanted her to stop. So I basically cried and

begged until she did. Then several weeks later she wrote me an e-mail that

said, I feel like you're mad at me and I don't know why. Well, that led to me

totally confronting her again by e-mail. Then I told her I needed a break from

our relationship. I haven't spoken to her since December. She's written me two

letters saying things like, this is our problem, not hers, and we have to deal

with it together, and she never gave up on me, so how can I give up on her; and

she is devastated because, while her love for me is unconditional, mine is

conditional. I did not respond. When I asked for the break, rather demanded

it, I told her we would have the chance to reconnect at my niece's bat mitzvah

and reevaluate our relationship. Well, the bat mitzvah is this weekend and I am

dreading it. I cannot forgive her this time and really wish she would just

vanish from my life so I could have a peaceful life with my family without her

craziness!

Gail

[Guest guest]

Wow - I am not so sure that a borderline could fake like a loving human

being for 10 years - I wonder if Annie might know of another diagnosis.

Do you have to go to this bat mitzvah? And if you do see her, what would

happen if you told her you need more time?

She has no memory of attacking you? Is that right?

I'm sorry, hugs.

>

>

> I am so stressed about seeing my mother this weekend. She was totally

> abusive to me until 10 years ago. All the classic borderline stuff. Then

> when I was 39, we had a big blow-out and I confronted her about various

> things. While she did not take full responsibility, she did pull herself

> together and manage to treat me like a human being for 10 years, after never

> treating me like a human being ever. It was amazing. I really got the best

> she had to offer in that amount of time. Of course, she was still depressed

> and used me as a sounding board for her complaints about other people and

> her own mystery, but she was decent to me. Then all of the sudden, after all

> that time of lulling me into a sense of false security, she totally blew. We

> were in a hotel room the night before I was scheduled to have surgery, and

> totally out of the blue she starts screaming like a maniac about all the

> grievances she ever had about me from birth to age 25. And she starting

> bringing in grievances about other people too. I was so taken aback, I just

> wanted her to stop. So I basically cried and begged until she did. Then

> several weeks later she wrote me an e-mail that said, I feel like you're mad

> at me and I don't know why. Well, that led to me totally confronting her

> again by e-mail. Then I told her I needed a break from our relationship. I

> haven't spoken to her since December. She's written me two letters saying

> things like, this is our problem, not hers, and we have to deal with it

> together, and she never gave up on me, so how can I give up on her; and she

> is devastated because, while her love for me is unconditional, mine is

> conditional. I did not respond. When I asked for the break, rather demanded

> it, I told her we would have the chance to reconnect at my niece's bat

> mitzvah and reevaluate our relationship. Well, the bat mitzvah is this

> weekend and I am dreading it. I cannot forgive her this time and really wish

> she would just vanish from my life so I could have a peaceful life with my

> family without her craziness!

> Gail

>

>

[Guest guest]

She does have some memory of being abusive, and every once in a great while,

admits it in a general way. But she also denies a million different events and

tells me I hear what I want to hear and create memories that do not exist. She

vehemently blames others for her unhappiness and problems. She is still mad at

her twin sister for pushing her out of the way and being born first. She thinks

my dad was abusive to her, even though it was the other way around. During the

10 years, she did allude to how much she suffered because of me, occasionally

make sideways comments and insults, and refer to how un-normal I was. But she

did not call me on the phone and have raging fits and call me terrible names

like she used to. I believe that she still abused my dad and that, if I did not

live 3,000 miles away from her and see her only once a year, and if I did not

have children who she wants to have a relationship with, she would not have been

able to contain herself for so long. I didn't mean that she was perfect, I just

meant that for those 10 years, she didn't have a ragging temper tantrum directed

at me where she called me nasty names and degraded me.

> Wow - I am not so sure that a borderline could fake like a loving human

> being for 10 years - I wonder if Annie might know of another diagnosis.

>

> Do you have to go to this bat mitzvah? And if you do see her, what would

> happen if you told her you need more time?

>

> She has no memory of attacking you? Is that right?

>

> I'm sorry, hugs.

>

>

>

>>

>>

>> I am so stressed about seeing my mother this weekend. She was totally

>> abusive to me until 10 years ago. All the classic borderline stuff. Then

>> when I was 39, we had a big blow-out and I confronted her about various

>> things. While she did not take full responsibility, she did pull herself

>> together and manage to treat me like a human being for 10 years, after never

>> treating me like a human being ever. It was amazing. I really got the best

>> she had to offer in that amount of time. Of course, she was still depressed

>> and used me as a sounding board for her complaints about other people and

>> her own mystery, but she was decent to me. Then all of the sudden, after all

>> that time of lulling me into a sense of false security, she totally blew. We

>> were in a hotel room the night before I was scheduled to have surgery, and

>> totally out of the blue she starts screaming like a maniac about all the

>> grievances she ever had about me from birth to age 25. And she starting

>> bringing in grievances about other people too. I was so taken aback, I just

>> wanted her to stop. So I basically cried and begged until she did. Then

>> several weeks later she wrote me an e-mail that said, I feel like you're mad

>> at me and I don't know why. Well, that led to me totally confronting her

>> again by e-mail. Then I told her I needed a break from our relationship. I

>> haven't spoken to her since December. She's written me two letters saying

>> things like, this is our problem, not hers, and we have to deal with it

>> together, and she never gave up on me, so how can I give up on her; and she

>> is devastated because, while her love for me is unconditional, mine is

>> conditional. I did not respond. When I asked for the break, rather demanded

>> it, I told her we would have the chance to reconnect at my niece's bat

>> mitzvah and reevaluate our relationship. Well, the bat mitzvah is this

>> weekend and I am dreading it. I cannot forgive her this time and really wish

>> she would just vanish from my life so I could have a peaceful life with my

>> family without her craziness!

>> Gail

>>

>>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Oh I see - in that case, yes, I can imagine that from 3,000 miles away, a

borderline could control her rage to some degree. Wow. I was imaging

something else, sorry.

If it were me, I would not go to the bat mitzvah. But then, I hate family

events, and see them only as providing an audience for my nada's

histrionics. Would it be upsetting to you to stay away from the bat mitzvah?

I am NC with the whole poo flinging batch of flying monkeys who are related

to me genetically, as well as about 20 square miles around their home.

If you don't want to miss the bat mitzvah, another option might be to call

or write her in advance and tell her you have decided you need more time.

You could say that you will be there, but ask for boundaries and establish

consequences if she violates them.

>

>

> She does have some memory of being abusive, and every once in a great

> while, admits it in a general way. But she also denies a million different

> events and tells me I hear what I want to hear and create memories that do

> not exist. She vehemently blames others for her unhappiness and problems.

> She is still mad at her twin sister for pushing her out of the way and being

> born first. She thinks my dad was abusive to her, even though it was the

> other way around. During the 10 years, she did allude to how much she

> suffered because of me, occasionally make sideways comments and insults, and

> refer to how un-normal I was. But she did not call me on the phone and have

> raging fits and call me terrible names like she used to. I believe that she

> still abused my dad and that, if I did not live 3,000 miles away from her

> and see her only once a year, and if I did not have children who she wants

> to have a relationship with, she would not have been able to contain herself

> for so long. I didn't mean that she was perfect, I just meant that for those

> 10 years, she didn't have a ragging temper tantrum directed at me where she

> called me nasty names and degraded me.

>

>

>

> > Wow - I am not so sure that a borderline could fake like a loving human

> > being for 10 years - I wonder if Annie might know of another diagnosis.

> >

> > Do you have to go to this bat mitzvah? And if you do see her, what would

> > happen if you told her you need more time?

> >

> > She has no memory of attacking you? Is that right?

> >

> > I'm sorry, hugs.

> >

> >

> >

> >>

> >>

> >> I am so stressed about seeing my mother this weekend. She was totally

> >> abusive to me until 10 years ago. All the classic borderline stuff. Then

> >> when I was 39, we had a big blow-out and I confronted her about various

> >> things. While she did not take full responsibility, she did pull herself

> >> together and manage to treat me like a human being for 10 years, after

> never

> >> treating me like a human being ever. It was amazing. I really got the

> best

> >> she had to offer in that amount of time. Of course, she was still

> depressed

> >> and used me as a sounding board for her complaints about other people

> and

> >> her own mystery, but she was decent to me. Then all of the sudden, after

> all

> >> that time of lulling me into a sense of false security, she totally

> blew. We

> >> were in a hotel room the night before I was scheduled to have surgery,

> and

> >> totally out of the blue she starts screaming like a maniac about all the

> >> grievances she ever had about me from birth to age 25. And she starting

> >> bringing in grievances about other people too. I was so taken aback, I

> just

> >> wanted her to stop. So I basically cried and begged until she did. Then

> >> several weeks later she wrote me an e-mail that said, I feel like you're

> mad

> >> at me and I don't know why. Well, that led to me totally confronting her

> >> again by e-mail. Then I told her I needed a break from our relationship.

> I

> >> haven't spoken to her since December. She's written me two letters

> saying

> >> things like, this is our problem, not hers, and we have to deal with it

> >> together, and she never gave up on me, so how can I give up on her; and

> she

> >> is devastated because, while her love for me is unconditional, mine is

> >> conditional. I did not respond. When I asked for the break, rather

> demanded

> >> it, I told her we would have the chance to reconnect at my niece's bat

> >> mitzvah and reevaluate our relationship. Well, the bat mitzvah is this

> >> weekend and I am dreading it. I cannot forgive her this time and really

> wish

> >> she would just vanish from my life so I could have a peaceful life with

> my

> >> family without her craziness!

> >> Gail

> >>

> >>

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Only you can decide if the bat mitzvah is something you must attend, or not.

If your mother is there, I suggest adopting the " medium chill " tactic for just

remaining polite but not engaging with her, not showing anger, not being overtly

rejecting, not sharing any personal thoughts, feelings or news, barely

registering a reaction to anything she might say to you... not showing any

strong emotion, really. Just... being mildly pleasant. Polite but neutral.

If she confronts you or pressures you to commit to a joint therapy session or

insists that you " talk about it " , I suggest you just say calmly and politely

something along the lines of, " I need more time, mom. I'm not ready to resume

contact. Perhaps after we have both been to individual therapy for a while, we

can discuss the possibility of a joint therapy session. But now is not the time

for this discussion. " (Or something to that effect.) No further discussion,

arguing, tantruming or whining allowed.

My mother ( " nada " ) can go for several months seeming to be normal, treating my

Sister nicely, not acting out, etc., and then as you describe your mother doing,

she will just lose it and have a rage-tantrum-vitriol-spewing meltdown for no

apparent reason.

I have to admit with astonishment that 10 years is a really amazingly long time

for a person with bpd to go between rage-tantrum-meltdowns, though! Wow! I

think that might be a new record. (Lol!)

-Annie

>

> I am so stressed about seeing my mother this weekend. She was totally abusive

to me until 10 years ago. All the classic borderline stuff. Then when I was

39, we had a big blow-out and I confronted her about various things. While she

did not take full responsibility, she did pull herself together and manage to

treat me like a human being for 10 years, after never treating me like a human

being ever. It was amazing. I really got the best she had to offer in that

amount of time. Of course, she was still depressed and used me as a sounding

board for her complaints about other people and her own mystery, but she was

decent to me. Then all of the sudden, after all that time of lulling me into a

sense of false security, she totally blew. We were in a hotel room the night

before I was scheduled to have surgery, and totally out of the blue she starts

screaming like a maniac about all the grievances she ever had about me from

birth to age 25. And she starting bringing in grievances about other people

too. I was so taken aback, I just wanted her to stop. So I basically cried and

begged until she did. Then several weeks later she wrote me an e-mail that

said, I feel like you're mad at me and I don't know why. Well, that led to me

totally confronting her again by e-mail. Then I told her I needed a break from

our relationship. I haven't spoken to her since December. She's written me two

letters saying things like, this is our problem, not hers, and we have to deal

with it together, and she never gave up on me, so how can I give up on her; and

she is devastated because, while her love for me is unconditional, mine is

conditional. I did not respond. When I asked for the break, rather demanded

it, I told her we would have the chance to reconnect at my niece's bat mitzvah

and reevaluate our relationship. Well, the bat mitzvah is this weekend and I am

dreading it. I cannot forgive her this time and really wish she would just

vanish from my life so I could have a peaceful life with my family without her

craziness!

> Gail

>

[Guest guest]

It is my brother's daugher getting bat mitzvahed, so yes, I would feel horrible

not going. My brother recognizes that my mother is crazy, but totally avoids

dealing with it. He learned to avoid the chaos and protect himself that way.

While I am frustrated that he doesn't stick up for me or confront my mother with

her problems, I appreciate that he is supportive in his own quiet way.

> Oh I see - in that case, yes, I can imagine that from 3,000 miles away, a

> borderline could control her rage to some degree. Wow. I was imaging

> something else, sorry.

>

> If it were me, I would not go to the bat mitzvah. But then, I hate family

> events, and see them only as providing an audience for my nada's

> histrionics. Would it be upsetting to you to stay away from the bat mitzvah?

> I am NC with the whole poo flinging batch of flying monkeys who are related

> to me genetically, as well as about 20 square miles around their home.

>

> If you don't want to miss the bat mitzvah, another option might be to call

> or write her in advance and tell her you have decided you need more time.

> You could say that you will be there, but ask for boundaries and establish

> consequences if she violates them.

>

>

>

>>

>>

>> She does have some memory of being abusive, and every once in a great

>> while, admits it in a general way. But she also denies a million different

>> events and tells me I hear what I want to hear and create memories that do

>> not exist. She vehemently blames others for her unhappiness and problems.

>> She is still mad at her twin sister for pushing her out of the way and being

>> born first. She thinks my dad was abusive to her, even though it was the

>> other way around. During the 10 years, she did allude to how much she

>> suffered because of me, occasionally make sideways comments and insults, and

>> refer to how un-normal I was. But she did not call me on the phone and have

>> raging fits and call me terrible names like she used to. I believe that she

>> still abused my dad and that, if I did not live 3,000 miles away from her

>> and see her only once a year, and if I did not have children who she wants

>> to have a relationship with, she would not have been able to contain herself

>> for so long. I didn't mean that she was perfect, I just meant that for those

>> 10 years, she didn't have a ragging temper tantrum directed at me where she

>> called me nasty names and degraded me.

>>

>>

>>

>>> Wow - I am not so sure that a borderline could fake like a loving human

>>> being for 10 years - I wonder if Annie might know of another diagnosis.

>>>

>>> Do you have to go to this bat mitzvah? And if you do see her, what would

>>> happen if you told her you need more time?

>>>

>>> She has no memory of attacking you? Is that right?

>>>

>>> I'm sorry, hugs.

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>>

>>>>

>>>> I am so stressed about seeing my mother this weekend. She was totally

>>>> abusive to me until 10 years ago. All the classic borderline stuff. Then

>>>> when I was 39, we had a big blow-out and I confronted her about various

>>>> things. While she did not take full responsibility, she did pull herself

>>>> together and manage to treat me like a human being for 10 years, after

>> never

>>>> treating me like a human being ever. It was amazing. I really got the

>> best

>>>> she had to offer in that amount of time. Of course, she was still

>> depressed

>>>> and used me as a sounding board for her complaints about other people

>> and

>>>> her own mystery, but she was decent to me. Then all of the sudden, after

>> all

>>>> that time of lulling me into a sense of false security, she totally

>> blew. We

>>>> were in a hotel room the night before I was scheduled to have surgery,

>> and

>>>> totally out of the blue she starts screaming like a maniac about all the

>>>> grievances she ever had about me from birth to age 25. And she starting

>>>> bringing in grievances about other people too. I was so taken aback, I

>> just

>>>> wanted her to stop. So I basically cried and begged until she did. Then

>>>> several weeks later she wrote me an e-mail that said, I feel like you're

>> mad

>>>> at me and I don't know why. Well, that led to me totally confronting her

>>>> again by e-mail. Then I told her I needed a break from our relationship.

>> I

>>>> haven't spoken to her since December. She's written me two letters

>> saying

>>>> things like, this is our problem, not hers, and we have to deal with it

>>>> together, and she never gave up on me, so how can I give up on her; and

>> she

>>>> is devastated because, while her love for me is unconditional, mine is

>>>> conditional. I did not respond. When I asked for the break, rather

>> demanded

>>>> it, I told her we would have the chance to reconnect at my niece's bat

>>>> mitzvah and reevaluate our relationship. Well, the bat mitzvah is this

>>>> weekend and I am dreading it. I cannot forgive her this time and really

>> wish

>>>> she would just vanish from my life so I could have a peaceful life with

>> my

>>>> family without her craziness!

>>>> Gail

>>>>

>>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

[Guest guest]

I was planning on something along those lines.

Yes, 10 years was amazing. I tried hard to placate her during those years, so

that may have helped. But I am done with the whole business! I don't care what

she thinks of me, I don't care what other family members think, and I am done

keeping her secrets.

Don't forget, my mother still had my dad to rage at until his death about 5

years ago. I don't know how she contained herself with me for so long, I almost

want to ask her!

> Only you can decide if the bat mitzvah is something you must attend, or not.

>

> If your mother is there, I suggest adopting the " medium chill " tactic for just

remaining polite but not engaging with her, not showing anger, not being overtly

rejecting, not sharing any personal thoughts, feelings or news, barely

registering a reaction to anything she might say to you... not showing any

strong emotion, really. Just... being mildly pleasant. Polite but neutral.

>

> If she confronts you or pressures you to commit to a joint therapy session or

insists that you " talk about it " , I suggest you just say calmly and politely

something along the lines of, " I need more time, mom. I'm not ready to resume

contact. Perhaps after we have both been to individual therapy for a while, we

can discuss the possibility of a joint therapy session. But now is not the time

for this discussion. " (Or something to that effect.) No further discussion,

arguing, tantruming or whining allowed.

>

> My mother ( " nada " ) can go for several months seeming to be normal, treating my

Sister nicely, not acting out, etc., and then as you describe your mother doing,

she will just lose it and have a rage-tantrum-vitriol-spewing meltdown for no

apparent reason.

>

> I have to admit with astonishment that 10 years is a really amazingly long

time for a person with bpd to go between rage-tantrum-meltdowns, though! Wow! I

think that might be a new record. (Lol!)

>

> -Annie

>

>

> >

> > I am so stressed about seeing my mother this weekend. She was totally

abusive to me until 10 years ago. All the classic borderline stuff. Then when I

was 39, we had a big blow-out and I confronted her about various things. While

she did not take full responsibility, she did pull herself together and manage

to treat me like a human being for 10 years, after never treating me like a

human being ever. It was amazing. I really got the best she had to offer in that

amount of time. Of course, she was still depressed and used me as a sounding

board for her complaints about other people and her own mystery, but she was

decent to me. Then all of the sudden, after all that time of lulling me into a

sense of false security, she totally blew. We were in a hotel room the night

before I was scheduled to have surgery, and totally out of the blue she starts

screaming like a maniac about all the grievances she ever had about me from

birth to age 25. And she starting bringing in grievances about other people too.

I was so taken aback, I just wanted her to stop. So I basically cried and begged

until she did. Then several weeks later she wrote me an e-mail that said, I feel

like you're mad at me and I don't know why. Well, that led to me totally

confronting her again by e-mail. Then I told her I needed a break from our

relationship. I haven't spoken to her since December. She's written me two

letters saying things like, this is our problem, not hers, and we have to deal

with it together, and she never gave up on me, so how can I give up on her; and

she is devastated because, while her love for me is unconditional, mine is

conditional. I did not respond. When I asked for the break, rather demanded it,

I told her we would have the chance to reconnect at my niece's bat mitzvah and

reevaluate our relationship. Well, the bat mitzvah is this weekend and I am

dreading it. I cannot forgive her this time and really wish she would just

vanish from my life so I could have a peaceful life with my family without her

craziness!

> > Gail

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

I agree that you should probably go; no reason to create tension between you and

your brother or to feel guilty about letting your niece down. I also agree with

Annie regarding how to manage the Nada. Really, the bat mitzvah should be about

your niece anyway. It would be more productive, should you choose, to work out

issues with the mom-unit in a setting where that would be the primary focus.

10 years is a helluva long time! I've gone months to maybe a year between my

nada's meltdowns, but 10!! Wow!! Mine also tends not to remember what happened

during the outbursts. I've confronted her about some of the particularly

heinous things she's said to me and she seems to be genuinely shocked. But then

of course plummets into a depression over her guilt for treating me badly.

Because ultimately, it always comes back to her now, doesn't it?

I say keep your LC for the time being, support your brother and his daughter.

Stick to your guns and deal with the nada when you're ready.

[Guest guest]

I couldn't have a normal conversation with my mother about anything until the

blow up we had 10 years ago. Not even about the weather. Since then, we've

talked about books, politics, my kids... She was still a downer, but at least I

could talk to her. I don't ever see being able to have that with her again

because I know that all the anger and resentment is still there, she doesn't

really take responsibility for anything that happened in the past, and she could

blow again any time. I guess I didn't think it would happen again, so long as

we stayed away from touchy subjects, but it did, big time. Brought back a lot

of bad memories.

> Only you can decide if the bat mitzvah is something you must attend, or not.

>

> If your mother is there, I suggest adopting the " medium chill " tactic for just

remaining polite but not engaging with her, not showing anger, not being overtly

rejecting, not sharing any personal thoughts, feelings or news, barely

registering a reaction to anything she might say to you... not showing any

strong emotion, really. Just... being mildly pleasant. Polite but neutral.

>

> If she confronts you or pressures you to commit to a joint therapy session or

insists that you " talk about it " , I suggest you just say calmly and politely

something along the lines of, " I need more time, mom. I'm not ready to resume

contact. Perhaps after we have both been to individual therapy for a while, we

can discuss the possibility of a joint therapy session. But now is not the time

for this discussion. " (Or something to that effect.) No further discussion,

arguing, tantruming or whining allowed.

>

> My mother ( " nada " ) can go for several months seeming to be normal, treating my

Sister nicely, not acting out, etc., and then as you describe your mother doing,

she will just lose it and have a rage-tantrum-vitriol-spewing meltdown for no

apparent reason.

>

> I have to admit with astonishment that 10 years is a really amazingly long

time for a person with bpd to go between rage-tantrum-meltdowns, though! Wow! I

think that might be a new record. (Lol!)

>

> -Annie

>

>

> >

> > I am so stressed about seeing my mother this weekend. She was totally

abusive to me until 10 years ago. All the classic borderline stuff. Then when I

was 39, we had a big blow-out and I confronted her about various things. While

she did not take full responsibility, she did pull herself together and manage

to treat me like a human being for 10 years, after never treating me like a

human being ever. It was amazing. I really got the best she had to offer in that

amount of time. Of course, she was still depressed and used me as a sounding

board for her complaints about other people and her own mystery, but she was

decent to me. Then all of the sudden, after all that time of lulling me into a

sense of false security, she totally blew. We were in a hotel room the night

before I was scheduled to have surgery, and totally out of the blue she starts

screaming like a maniac about all the grievances she ever had about me from

birth to age 25. And she starting bringing in grievances about other people too.

I was so taken aback, I just wanted her to stop. So I basically cried and begged

until she did. Then several weeks later she wrote me an e-mail that said, I feel

like you're mad at me and I don't know why. Well, that led to me totally

confronting her again by e-mail. Then I told her I needed a break from our

relationship. I haven't spoken to her since December. She's written me two

letters saying things like, this is our problem, not hers, and we have to deal

with it together, and she never gave up on me, so how can I give up on her; and

she is devastated because, while her love for me is unconditional, mine is

conditional. I did not respond. When I asked for the break, rather demanded it,

I told her we would have the chance to reconnect at my niece's bat mitzvah and

reevaluate our relationship. Well, the bat mitzvah is this weekend and I am

dreading it. I cannot forgive her this time and really wish she would just

vanish from my life so I could have a peaceful life with my family without her

craziness!

> > Gail

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you for the feedback.

My mother brought up that maybe we can go to a joint therapy session together,

but I won't do it. For one thing, when I wanted her to years ago, she refused.

I was the problem, not her. For another thing, I spent years in therapy healing

myself and she has never been willing to face her problems; I feel that it is

her responsibility to work on herself. And we live on opposite sides of the

country. That along with the fact that she will never really admit to having a

problem would make it pretty futile; I don't know what we could really

accomplish. It's too little, too late.

My Nada doesn't remember what happens during outburst either. When I was

younger, she had a drinking problem, so for a long time I thought I was the

alcohol, but she was stone sober during this last one. When I bring up the

horrible things she said, she either out and out denies it, or gets embarrassed

and says, " I don't remember saying that. " She only admits to ever saying one

horrible thing to me. One of her letters even said, I said something to you

once that I should never have said and I have felt guilty ever since. (The one

thing was, I wish you were never born.) I was like, you said ONE thing to me,

seriously?! It was one of a million horrible things. It's amazing how they

block it out.

> I agree that you should probably go; no reason to create tension between you

and your brother or to feel guilty about letting your niece down. I also agree

with Annie regarding how to manage the Nada. Really, the bat mitzvah should be

about your niece anyway. It would be more productive, should you choose, to work

out issues with the mom-unit in a setting where that would be the primary focus.

>

> 10 years is a helluva long time! I've gone months to maybe a year between my

nada's meltdowns, but 10!! Wow!! Mine also tends not to remember what happened

during the outbursts. I've confronted her about some of the particularly heinous

things she's said to me and she seems to be genuinely shocked. But then of

course plummets into a depression over her guilt for treating me badly. Because

ultimately, it always comes back to her now, doesn't it?

>

> I say keep your LC for the time being, support your brother and his daughter.

Stick to your guns and deal with the nada when you're ready.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Gail, just reading your post I can feel the dread you're experiencing.

Is there anyone going with you to the bat mitzvah? I'm a big believer in

buffers. Anyone who can serve as your buffer between you and your mother, in

fact, anyone you trust who you can tell them beforehand, " if I give you THIS

signal, come rescue me... " , I think, would be helpful for your anxiety.

it just helps to know someone will help you escape if need be.

Good luck. Let us know how it goes!

Fiona

[Guest guest]

My husband and kids are going. I have asked my husband to be a buffer and he

will try. The problem is, he comes from a loving family, so he gets kind of

freaked out by this kind of thing. He can't be mean to anyone and sometimes

ends up being overly nice to people who are rude or inappropriate to me. It has

been an issue (one of blessedly few) in our marriage from time to time. But I

also have my cousin's wife who is going, knows about everything, and asked what

she could do. I asked her to be a buffer if she sees me and my mother alone for

even a second. Thanks for the support, I'll let you know what happens.

> Gail, just reading your post I can feel the dread you're experiencing.

>

> Is there anyone going with you to the bat mitzvah? I'm a big believer in

buffers. Anyone who can serve as your buffer between you and your mother, in

fact, anyone you trust who you can tell them beforehand, " if I give you THIS

signal, come rescue me... " , I think, would be helpful for your anxiety.

>

> it just helps to know someone will help you escape if need be.

>

> Good luck. Let us know how it goes!

>

> Fiona

>

>

[Guest guest]

Big thumb's up from me for great advance planning! You've got this

well-thought-out already. I'm betting the event will go just fine RE any

possible nada-encounters.

-Annie

>

> > Gail, just reading your post I can feel the dread you're experiencing.

> >

> > Is there anyone going with you to the bat mitzvah? I'm a big believer in

buffers. Anyone who can serve as your buffer between you and your mother, in

fact, anyone you trust who you can tell them beforehand, " if I give you THIS

signal, come rescue me... " , I think, would be helpful for your anxiety.

> >

> > it just helps to know someone will help you escape if need be.

> >

> > Good luck. Let us know how it goes!

> >

> > Fiona

> >

> >

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hope so,thanks Annie.

> Big thumb's up from me for great advance planning! You've got this

well-thought-out already. I'm betting the event will go just fine RE any

possible nada-encounters.

> -Annie

>

>

> >

> > > Gail, just reading your post I can feel the dread you're experiencing.

> > >

> > > Is there anyone going with you to the bat mitzvah? I'm a big believer in

buffers. Anyone who can serve as your buffer between you and your mother, in

fact, anyone you trust who you can tell them beforehand, " if I give you THIS

signal, come rescue me... " , I think, would be helpful for your anxiety.

> > >

> > > it just helps to know someone will help you escape if need be.

> > >

> > > Good luck. Let us know how it goes!

> > >

> > > Fiona

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >