parenting with spirituality advice

March 22, 2011

I know this is long and I'm sorry..if you get to the end, thank you!

I have always received excellent advice from you all when it comes to parenting

and I have appreciated it so much...even from those who don't have kids because

you all have valuable things to add. Today, like the issue with telling my

daughter about starting her period, I feel like I need some mother advice. As

much as I would love to have a loving mother who could tell me all the right

things to do, that's just not going to happen.

So.. this is with my son. We do not attend an organized church anymore with our

kids. At one time we did, but the church split and it was just a mess -- long,

boring story, so I teach my kids at home and we just are so busy with sports and

stuff that we don't go (probably a lame excuse).

Anyway, my 13 year old son is in a wheelchair. He's physically dependent on my

husband and I to take care of even his basic needs, but mentally/cognitively, he

is well above average for his age and goes to a regular public (and awesome)

middle school and does excellent.

So today he comes home from school and is all excited in telling me that his

friend Ben invited him to his church.

Okay, cool...not a problem. Let's check it out.

He then hands me a tract on " physical healing " that Ben gave him. I looked at

it and he said, " Ben said people in his church that have been in wheelchairs get

healed. I want to go there so God will make me walk too. "

Oh.My.Stars...my heart nearly broke in two and I couldn't prevent tears from

welling in my eyes. My baby has been through so much. So many surgeries, so much

physical therapy, so many nights of me laying next to him to make sure he was

breathing. Many close calls...many times when the doctors said " this is it, I'm

sorry. " And yet he has beaten the odds. He has survived birth when they said

he had less than a 3% chance, he has made it through MRSA staph, and acute

respiratory distress after aspirating from a spinal fusion and 14 surgeries in

10 years. My son has beaten the odds when the best doctors in the country said

he would die.

He is stronger in spirit than any child I know. He always has a smile to offer

and has the most compassion of any little boy his age. I could write a book on

how I've had to fight insurance on his behalf and the schools to get what he

needed so he can be just like every other kid. We've moved counties to get him

in the best school district and last year (6th grade) was the first year he was

at school the entire year without being out for months for surgery or illness.

And you know what? Yes, I'd give my own life for my son to be able to walk for a

day. I would not even think twice about. I'd give him my legs if I could, but

the reality of it is, my son will never walk unless medical technology for

orthopedics improves drastically. So we have never focused on what he can't do

and have always pushed him to do what he can do.

But the thing is, I can't protect him from everything people will say to him

forever. I have tried and feel I have protected him to a great degree, but he's

getting older and he's around kids that are 12 to 14 and they're not always the

most thoughtful kids in the world. He has recently noticed that kids stare and

ask questions. He doesn't like it, but he responds with, " I was born with

arthrogryposis " and most of the time kids are okay with it. He has been lucky

to go to school with the same kids since 2nd grade.

However, he told me not long ago that he hates that people see his wheelchair

and just assume he can't think. As a mother, the feeling it invokes is an ache

in my chest because I know my son and I know how truly unique and amazing he is

and I know what a super friend he is to those who give him a chance.

So as he's telling me this about going to a church to be healed, he's on the

floor in the living standing on his knees and has this huge smile on his face.

Can I be honest with you?

I just immediately felt so much anger at God. In my mind I am thinking, how He

could do this to my baby? Really? And as I type this, I still can't hold back

my tears because I just still feel so abandoned by God and yet at the same time,

I'm in the in between because my heart still wants a relationship with God and I

know my son has been protected or he wouldn't be where he is today.

I just bent down to his level and kissed him on the head. He said, " So can we

go? " still smiling. And all I could say was, " Maybe, honey...let's talk to

daddy about it. "

After a very brief discussion on how we believe God gives doctors the knowledge

to help kids with disabilities, he was distracted and started watching tv.

I had to walk away so he couldn't see me crying, but my daughter (who, again, is

going to make one awesome detective one day), followed me and rubbed me on the

back as I so often do to them when they're upset and she asked what was wrong.

I just said I was sad because her brother can't do the things she can. Do you

know what my 10 year old daughter said? " Momma, I wish it was me instead. " I

cried even more, but not because I was sad, but just because I am grateful for

them (I have three kids).

How do I deserve these wonderful children? Truly...they are such an inspiration

to me. This is a little girl who slept in her brother's bed and cried herself

to sleep for 33 days because he was in ICU on life support. They are peas and

carrots. They are best friends and I can see how much it hurts her that her

brother is so limited in what he can do.

You know, I want to say all of the right things to him about how God heals our

hearts and how we're all special and unique and sometimes God uses things like

disabilities for a higher purpose and even though I don't believe God MADE him

unable to walk, I believe that God has a special plan for his life.

But that all sounds so trite in the grand scheme of things. Like a bumper

sticker phrase that's going to do little more than make him think that I'm just

saying the words to make him feel better.

I've thought about this most of the day. I haven't said anything yet because I

don't want to crush his faith and I feel like telling him he is never going to

walk will crush his faith as much as taking him to a church that tells him God

will heal him -- except....he never does. I mean, honestly, I see it as

standing in the garage praying for a Lexus to appear. It never happens, but I

can still pray and believe it will -- except...it never does.

As a mom, I want to comfort him and tell him it's all okay, but I also feel

helpless because I can't fix this situation. I want to use it as a tool for

growth, but I'm not sure how I need to approach it. I would really appreciate

any insight you all can give me. If you want to email me privately, please do.

I know I have to answer his questions and I only want to answer them while being

honest, but age appropriate.

March 22, 2011

What an amazing mom you are, and what great kids you have! I'm sure someone

here will be able to give you some good feedback.

You have asked the age-old spiritual, philosophical questions, " Why do bad

things happen to good people? " and " Why does a loving, personal God allow the

innocent to suffer? " Perhaps someone here can give you a good way to explain

these things to your child, or direct you to a site that can give you a good way

to address those questions.

I'm struggling with those very fundamental questions myself and would appreciate

hearing the answers others give you.

-Annie

>

> I know this is long and I'm sorry..if you get to the end, thank you!

>

> I have always received excellent advice from you all when it comes to

parenting and I have appreciated it so much...even from those who don't have

kids because you all have valuable things to add. Today, like the issue with

telling my daughter about starting her period, I feel like I need some mother

advice. As much as I would love to have a loving mother who could tell me all

the right things to do, that's just not going to happen.

>

> So.. this is with my son. We do not attend an organized church anymore with

our kids. At one time we did, but the church split and it was just a mess --

long, boring story, so I teach my kids at home and we just are so busy with

sports and stuff that we don't go (probably a lame excuse).

>

> Anyway, my 13 year old son is in a wheelchair. He's physically dependent on

my husband and I to take care of even his basic needs, but mentally/cognitively,

he is well above average for his age and goes to a regular public (and awesome)

middle school and does excellent.

>

> So today he comes home from school and is all excited in telling me that his

friend Ben invited him to his church.

>

> Okay, cool...not a problem. Let's check it out.

>

> He then hands me a tract on " physical healing " that Ben gave him. I looked at

it and he said, " Ben said people in his church that have been in wheelchairs get

healed. I want to go there so God will make me walk too. "

>

> Oh.My.Stars...my heart nearly broke in two and I couldn't prevent tears from

welling in my eyes. My baby has been through so much. So many surgeries, so much

physical therapy, so many nights of me laying next to him to make sure he was

breathing. Many close calls...many times when the doctors said " this is it, I'm

sorry. " And yet he has beaten the odds. He has survived birth when they said

he had less than a 3% chance, he has made it through MRSA staph, and acute

respiratory distress after aspirating from a spinal fusion and 14 surgeries in

10 years. My son has beaten the odds when the best doctors in the country said

he would die.

>

> He is stronger in spirit than any child I know. He always has a smile to

offer and has the most compassion of any little boy his age. I could write a

book on how I've had to fight insurance on his behalf and the schools to get

what he needed so he can be just like every other kid. We've moved counties to

get him in the best school district and last year (6th grade) was the first year

he was at school the entire year without being out for months for surgery or

illness.

>

> And you know what? Yes, I'd give my own life for my son to be able to walk for

a day. I would not even think twice about. I'd give him my legs if I could, but

the reality of it is, my son will never walk unless medical technology for

orthopedics improves drastically. So we have never focused on what he can't do

and have always pushed him to do what he can do.

>

> But the thing is, I can't protect him from everything people will say to him

forever. I have tried and feel I have protected him to a great degree, but he's

getting older and he's around kids that are 12 to 14 and they're not always the

most thoughtful kids in the world. He has recently noticed that kids stare and

ask questions. He doesn't like it, but he responds with, " I was born with

arthrogryposis " and most of the time kids are okay with it. He has been lucky

to go to school with the same kids since 2nd grade.

>

> However, he told me not long ago that he hates that people see his wheelchair

and just assume he can't think. As a mother, the feeling it invokes is an ache

in my chest because I know my son and I know how truly unique and amazing he is

and I know what a super friend he is to those who give him a chance.

>

> So as he's telling me this about going to a church to be healed, he's on the

floor in the living standing on his knees and has this huge smile on his face.

>

> Can I be honest with you?

>

> I just immediately felt so much anger at God. In my mind I am thinking, how

He could do this to my baby? Really? And as I type this, I still can't hold

back my tears because I just still feel so abandoned by God and yet at the same

time, I'm in the in between because my heart still wants a relationship with God

and I know my son has been protected or he wouldn't be where he is today.

>

> I just bent down to his level and kissed him on the head. He said, " So can we

go? " still smiling. And all I could say was, " Maybe, honey...let's talk to

daddy about it. "

>

> After a very brief discussion on how we believe God gives doctors the

knowledge to help kids with disabilities, he was distracted and started watching

tv.

>

> I had to walk away so he couldn't see me crying, but my daughter (who, again,

is going to make one awesome detective one day), followed me and rubbed me on

the back as I so often do to them when they're upset and she asked what was

wrong. I just said I was sad because her brother can't do the things she can.

Do you know what my 10 year old daughter said? " Momma, I wish it was me

instead. " I cried even more, but not because I was sad, but just because I am

grateful for them (I have three kids).

>

> How do I deserve these wonderful children? Truly...they are such an

inspiration to me. This is a little girl who slept in her brother's bed and

cried herself to sleep for 33 days because he was in ICU on life support. They

are peas and carrots. They are best friends and I can see how much it hurts her

that her brother is so limited in what he can do.

>

> You know, I want to say all of the right things to him about how God heals our

hearts and how we're all special and unique and sometimes God uses things like

disabilities for a higher purpose and even though I don't believe God MADE him

unable to walk, I believe that God has a special plan for his life.

>

> But that all sounds so trite in the grand scheme of things. Like a bumper

sticker phrase that's going to do little more than make him think that I'm just

saying the words to make him feel better.

>

> I've thought about this most of the day. I haven't said anything yet because I

don't want to crush his faith and I feel like telling him he is never going to

walk will crush his faith as much as taking him to a church that tells him God

will heal him -- except....he never does. I mean, honestly, I see it as

standing in the garage praying for a Lexus to appear. It never happens, but I

can still pray and believe it will -- except...it never does.

>

> As a mom, I want to comfort him and tell him it's all okay, but I also feel

helpless because I can't fix this situation. I want to use it as a tool for

growth, but I'm not sure how I need to approach it. I would really appreciate

any insight you all can give me. If you want to email me privately, please do.

I know I have to answer his questions and I only want to answer them while being

honest, but age appropriate.

>

March 22, 2011

I have a daughter with a disability as well. I think you have to be honest with

him. I watched doctors be brutally honest with my daughter from the time she

was 8. It was hard to watch, but I learned that she has to know the truth,

accept the situation and learn to be her own best advocate. I think that I

would talk to him about how some people have unrealistic expectations of God.

Tell him that God doesn't want him to be disabled, but that sometime things

happen that even God did not plan, and that you believe God is grieving with

him. Tell him that, while God didn't make him disabled, his condition did, God

did give him the strength to deal with it and to become a success in life in the

face of his challenges. Tell him you think God's mission for him is to educate

other people about what a disabled person can achieve, and that he will do that

by setting an amazing example. Then tell him that faith healing does not work.

Set up an appointment with your own preacher to meet with him if you have

someone who would be willing to do so (of course talk to the preacher ahead of

time to make sure he will reinforce what you are telling your son.) Tell him

you love him and that, while you don't need him to be any different than exactly

as he is, that you can't imagine him being anyone other than who he is, in a

wheelchair and all, you would wave a magic wand and take it all away if you

could, because you know that he wants to walk. But that there are no magic

wands and that you are very sorry about that. And know that, as the mother of a

disabled child, I am grieving with you.

Gail

> What an amazing mom you are, and what great kids you have! I'm sure someone

here will be able to give you some good feedback.

>

> You have asked the age-old spiritual, philosophical questions, " Why do bad

things happen to good people? " and " Why does a loving, personal God allow the

innocent to suffer? " Perhaps someone here can give you a good way to explain

these things to your child, or direct you to a site that can give you a good way

to address those questions.

>

> I'm struggling with those very fundamental questions myself and would

appreciate hearing the answers others give you.

>

> -Annie

>

> >

> > I know this is long and I'm sorry..if you get to the end, thank you!

> >

> > I have always received excellent advice from you all when it comes to

parenting and I have appreciated it so much...even from those who don't have

kids because you all have valuable things to add. Today, like the issue with

telling my daughter about starting her period, I feel like I need some mother

advice. As much as I would love to have a loving mother who could tell me all

the right things to do, that's just not going to happen.

> >

> > So.. this is with my son. We do not attend an organized church anymore with

our kids. At one time we did, but the church split and it was just a mess --

long, boring story, so I teach my kids at home and we just are so busy with

sports and stuff that we don't go (probably a lame excuse).

> >

> > Anyway, my 13 year old son is in a wheelchair. He's physically dependent on

my husband and I to take care of even his basic needs, but mentally/cognitively,

he is well above average for his age and goes to a regular public (and awesome)

middle school and does excellent.

> >

> > So today he comes home from school and is all excited in telling me that his

friend Ben invited him to his church.

> >

> > Okay, cool...not a problem. Let's check it out.

> >

> > He then hands me a tract on " physical healing " that Ben gave him. I looked

at it and he said, " Ben said people in his church that have been in wheelchairs

get healed. I want to go there so God will make me walk too. "

> >

> > Oh.My.Stars...my heart nearly broke in two and I couldn't prevent tears from

welling in my eyes. My baby has been through so much. So many surgeries, so much

physical therapy, so many nights of me laying next to him to make sure he was

breathing. Many close calls...many times when the doctors said " this is it, I'm

sorry. " And yet he has beaten the odds. He has survived birth when they said he

had less than a 3% chance, he has made it through MRSA staph, and acute

respiratory distress after aspirating from a spinal fusion and 14 surgeries in

10 years. My son has beaten the odds when the best doctors in the country said

he would die.

> >

> > He is stronger in spirit than any child I know. He always has a smile to

offer and has the most compassion of any little boy his age. I could write a

book on how I've had to fight insurance on his behalf and the schools to get

what he needed so he can be just like every other kid. We've moved counties to

get him in the best school district and last year (6th grade) was the first year

he was at school the entire year without being out for months for surgery or

illness.

> >

> > And you know what? Yes, I'd give my own life for my son to be able to walk

for a day. I would not even think twice about. I'd give him my legs if I could,

but the reality of it is, my son will never walk unless medical technology for

orthopedics improves drastically. So we have never focused on what he can't do

and have always pushed him to do what he can do.

> >

> > But the thing is, I can't protect him from everything people will say to him

forever. I have tried and feel I have protected him to a great degree, but he's

getting older and he's around kids that are 12 to 14 and they're not always the

most thoughtful kids in the world. He has recently noticed that kids stare and

ask questions. He doesn't like it, but he responds with, " I was born with

arthrogryposis " and most of the time kids are okay with it. He has been lucky to

go to school with the same kids since 2nd grade.

> >

> > However, he told me not long ago that he hates that people see his

wheelchair and just assume he can't think. As a mother, the feeling it invokes

is an ache in my chest because I know my son and I know how truly unique and

amazing he is and I know what a super friend he is to those who give him a

chance.

> >

> > So as he's telling me this about going to a church to be healed, he's on the

floor in the living standing on his knees and has this huge smile on his face.

> >

> > Can I be honest with you?

> >

> > I just immediately felt so much anger at God. In my mind I am thinking, how

He could do this to my baby? Really? And as I type this, I still can't hold back

my tears because I just still feel so abandoned by God and yet at the same time,

I'm in the in between because my heart still wants a relationship with God and I

know my son has been protected or he wouldn't be where he is today.

> >

> > I just bent down to his level and kissed him on the head. He said, " So can

we go? " still smiling. And all I could say was, " Maybe, honey...let's talk to

daddy about it. "

> >

> > After a very brief discussion on how we believe God gives doctors the

knowledge to help kids with disabilities, he was distracted and started watching

tv.

> >

> > I had to walk away so he couldn't see me crying, but my daughter (who,

again, is going to make one awesome detective one day), followed me and rubbed

me on the back as I so often do to them when they're upset and she asked what

was wrong. I just said I was sad because her brother can't do the things she

can. Do you know what my 10 year old daughter said? " Momma, I wish it was me

instead. " I cried even more, but not because I was sad, but just because I am

grateful for them (I have three kids).

> >

> > How do I deserve these wonderful children? Truly...they are such an

inspiration to me. This is a little girl who slept in her brother's bed and

cried herself to sleep for 33 days because he was in ICU on life support. They

are peas and carrots. They are best friends and I can see how much it hurts her

that her brother is so limited in what he can do.

> >

> > You know, I want to say all of the right things to him about how God heals

our hearts and how we're all special and unique and sometimes God uses things

like disabilities for a higher purpose and even though I don't believe God MADE

him unable to walk, I believe that God has a special plan for his life.

> >

> > But that all sounds so trite in the grand scheme of things. Like a bumper

sticker phrase that's going to do little more than make him think that I'm just

saying the words to make him feel better.

> >

> > I've thought about this most of the day. I haven't said anything yet because

I don't want to crush his faith and I feel like telling him he is never going to

walk will crush his faith as much as taking him to a church that tells him God

will heal him -- except....he never does. I mean, honestly, I see it as standing

in the garage praying for a Lexus to appear. It never happens, but I can still

pray and believe it will -- except...it never does.

> >

> > As a mom, I want to comfort him and tell him it's all okay, but I also feel

helpless because I can't fix this situation. I want to use it as a tool for

growth, but I'm not sure how I need to approach it. I would really appreciate

any insight you all can give me. If you want to email me privately, please do. I

know I have to answer his questions and I only want to answer them while being

honest, but age appropriate.

> >

March 22, 2011

Thanks, Annie. I have a book called " Where is God When Your Child is Hurting, "

but it didn't bring me a whole lot of advice.

Re: parenting with spirituality advice

What an amazing mom you are, and what great kids you have! I'm sure someone here

will be able to give you some good feedback.

You have asked the age-old spiritual, philosophical questions, " Why do bad

things happen to good people? " and " Why does a loving, personal God allow the

innocent to suffer? " Perhaps someone here can give you a good way to explain

these things to your child, or direct you to a site that can give you a good way

to address those questions.

I'm struggling with those very fundamental questions myself and would appreciate

hearing the answers others give you.

-Annie

>

> I know this is long and I'm sorry..if you get to the end, thank you!

>

> I have always received excellent advice from you all when it comes to

parenting and I have appreciated it so much...even from those who don't have

kids because you all have valuable things to add. Today, like the issue with

telling my daughter about starting her period, I feel like I need some mother

advice. As much as I would love to have a loving mother who could tell me all

the right things to do, that's just not going to happen.

>

> So.. this is with my son. We do not attend an organized church anymore with

our kids. At one time we did, but the church split and it was just a mess --

long, boring story, so I teach my kids at home and we just are so busy with

sports and stuff that we don't go (probably a lame excuse).

>

> Anyway, my 13 year old son is in a wheelchair. He's physically dependent on my