Raging

[Guest guest]

Just had the phone hung up in my face for the third time today by my

nada.The first one early in the AM asking if I was going to call her(I

had told her I was babysitting early)I told her it would be too early to

call and anyway she calls numerous times.WERE you going to call today?

Faint " yes " .. " HA " Lying again!!Hang up.Just now she calls me, tenth call

of the day,and starts blaming me for the weather, having forced her to

leave her appartment,give up her car etc...She is the one who insisted

on following me and my family to another state.She is 93 years old,had

numerous small car accidents and no state would renew her driver's

licence-She is also quite deaf and refuses to wear a hearing aid.The

conversation went on to blaming me for my son in law who had the

courage( a year ago )to stand up to her as she was badmouthing his wife

(Her grand daughter,my daughter).I told her I did not want to listen to

her accusations anymore.Hang up.Thank you all for letting me vent.I know

I will find sympathetic ears. It is so hard to live for so long with a

raving lunatic.At least I know I am not alone.I do not want to burden my

children with this,and I get the brunt of her rage .I am still new to

this group but it has made me feel so empowered and less vulnerable. I

read your letters and light bulbs light up.I have a Christmas tree in my

head! I recognize so many characteristics and so many events going back

to my early childhood that I share with so many of you.Thank you, thank

you for being part of my life.

[Guest guest]

93! Unfortunately, my cousin who is a doctor told me that angry people tend to

live longer because their anger keeps them going. My mother is 76 so I was not

happy to hear that! I think yours has lived to long! LOL

> Just had the phone hung up in my face for the third time today by my

> nada.The first one early in the AM asking if I was going to call her(I

> had told her I was babysitting early)I told her it would be too early to

> call and anyway she calls numerous times.WERE you going to call today?

> Faint " yes " .. " HA " Lying again!!Hang up.Just now she calls me, tenth call

> of the day,and starts blaming me for the weather, having forced her to

> leave her appartment,give up her car etc...She is the one who insisted

> on following me and my family to another state.She is 93 years old,had

> numerous small car accidents and no state would renew her driver's

> licence-She is also quite deaf and refuses to wear a hearing aid.The

> conversation went on to blaming me for my son in law who had the

> courage( a year ago )to stand up to her as she was badmouthing his wife

> (Her grand daughter,my daughter).I told her I did not want to listen to

> her accusations anymore.Hang up.Thank you all for letting me vent.I know

> I will find sympathetic ears. It is so hard to live for so long with a

> raving lunatic.At least I know I am not alone.I do not want to burden my

> children with this,and I get the brunt of her rage .I am still new to

> this group but it has made me feel so empowered and less vulnerable. I

> read your letters and light bulbs light up.I have a Christmas tree in my

> head! I recognize so many characteristics and so many events going back

> to my early childhood that I share with so many of you.Thank you, thank

> you for being part of my life.

>

>

[Guest guest]

I admire your astonishing patience and fortitude; " ...you're a better man than I

am, Gunga Din. "

What would happen if you only accepted one call a day from nada, and let all the

others just roll over into voice-mail? Set up your phone to automatically not

ring on her number and just roll them into voice mail? Or better yet, let ALL

her calls silently roll over into voice mail and YOU make the daily phone call,

putting you in control of the phone communication.

You could tell her something like: " Mom, from now on I will call you every day

at 11am, but that's it. We can talk once a day. I realize you're not happy

about that, but, that's the way its going to be from now on. "

At 93, there isn't even an ice-cube's chance in hell that she will change her

behaviors, but you can change your behaviors and give yourself a break of not

picking up the phone every time she calls.

Only you can decide what you can and can't tolerate, though. Its a very personal

and individual choice.

-Annie

>

> Just had the phone hung up in my face for the third time today by my

> nada.The first one early in the AM asking if I was going to call her(I

> had told her I was babysitting early)I told her it would be too early to

> call and anyway she calls numerous times.WERE you going to call today?

> Faint " yes " .. " HA " Lying again!!Hang up.Just now she calls me, tenth call

> of the day,and starts blaming me for the weather, having forced her to

> leave her appartment,give up her car etc...She is the one who insisted

> on following me and my family to another state.She is 93 years old,had

> numerous small car accidents and no state would renew her driver's

> licence-She is also quite deaf and refuses to wear a hearing aid.The

> conversation went on to blaming me for my son in law who had the

> courage( a year ago )to stand up to her as she was badmouthing his wife

> (Her grand daughter,my daughter).I told her I did not want to listen to

> her accusations anymore.Hang up.Thank you all for letting me vent.I know

> I will find sympathetic ears. It is so hard to live for so long with a

> raving lunatic.At least I know I am not alone.I do not want to burden my

> children with this,and I get the brunt of her rage .I am still new to

> this group but it has made me feel so empowered and less vulnerable. I

> read your letters and light bulbs light up.I have a Christmas tree in my

> head! I recognize so many characteristics and so many events going back

> to my early childhood that I share with so many of you.Thank you, thank

> you for being part of my life.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I hate to tell anyone what to do. OH bullshit, no I dont.

You should never accept abuse from a BP parent just because they are 1.

BP, or 2. Old. They will only get older, and the BP grows like fungus.

You are never responsible for her poor choices.

I would have a face to face with her, and set some boundaries.

Mom, if you ever call my home again and rage at me like you did , for

any reason, I will stop taking your calls for at least a week. If you

can be polite after that, I will talk to you. I will call you when it

is convenient for me, because I have things to do like babysitting. I

don t want to hear you go on about any other family member. What they

say or do is up to them. I d like to talk to you, and I will, but I

will not accept that sort of abuse from you again. Not ever. If you can

t behave on the phone, I will change my phone number and stop calling

you at all or taking your calls.

Consider, changing your landline number, and getting a cell phone. Give

her just the cell number. If she starts to go off, just turn the damn

thing off.

And btw, mom, if you want to move back to an apartment in the last

state, I ll rent a truck and take you tomorrow.

Thats my take on it. Amazing how, once you finally determine to stand

up and not take it from your nada, you have no tolerance for someone

elses nada being such a bitch!

Doug

>

> Just had the phone hung up in my face for the third time today by my

> nada.The first one early in the AM asking if I was going to call her(I

> had told her I was babysitting early)I told her it would be too early

to

> call and anyway she calls numerous times.WERE you going to call today?

> Faint " yes " .. " HA " Lying again!!Hang up.Just now she calls me, tenth

call

> of the day,and starts blaming me for the weather, having forced her to

> leave her appartment,give up her car etc...She is the one who insisted

> on following me and my family to another state.She is 93 years old,had

> numerous small car accidents and no state would renew her driver's

> licence-She is also quite deaf and refuses to wear a hearing aid.The

> conversation went on to blaming me for my son in law who had the

> courage( a year ago )to stand up to her as she was badmouthing his

wife

> (Her grand daughter,my daughter).I told her I did not want to listen

to

> her accusations anymore.Hang up.Thank you all for letting me vent.I

know

> I will find sympathetic ears. It is so hard to live for so long with a

> raving lunatic.At least I know I am not alone.I do not want to burden

my

> children with this,and I get the brunt of her rage .I am still new to

> this group but it has made me feel so empowered and less vulnerable. I

> read your letters and light bulbs light up.I have a Christmas tree in

my

> head! I recognize so many characteristics and so many events going

back

> to my early childhood that I share with so many of you.Thank you,

thank

> you for being part of my life.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I'm standing and applauding you, Doug! Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Set

them and defend them. Don't let nada spew on you about others. Tell her if she

has a problem with X, take it up with X. You don't want to be in the middle. I

guarantee she WILL NOT like it! But stick to your guns and get a little peace.

Just set the boundaries when you're both calm, like you would with a child. And

EVERYTHING Doug said is right on.

Joy

> >

> > Just had the phone hung up in my face for the third time today by my

> > nada.The first one early in the AM asking if I was going to call her(I

> > had told her I was babysitting early)I told her it would be too early

> to

> > call and anyway she calls numerous times.WERE you going to call today?

> > Faint " yes " .. " HA " Lying again!!Hang up.Just now she calls me, tenth

> call

> > of the day,and starts blaming me for the weather, having forced her to

> > leave her appartment,give up her car etc...She is the one who insisted

> > on following me and my family to another state.She is 93 years old,had

> > numerous small car accidents and no state would renew her driver's

> > licence-She is also quite deaf and refuses to wear a hearing aid.The

> > conversation went on to blaming me for my son in law who had the

> > courage( a year ago )to stand up to her as she was badmouthing his

> wife

> > (Her grand daughter,my daughter).I told her I did not want to listen

> to

> > her accusations anymore.Hang up.Thank you all for letting me vent.I

> know

> > I will find sympathetic ears. It is so hard to live for so long with a

> > raving lunatic.At least I know I am not alone.I do not want to burden

> my

> > children with this,and I get the brunt of her rage .I am still new to

> > this group but it has made me feel so empowered and less vulnerable. I

> > read your letters and light bulbs light up.I have a Christmas tree in

> my

> > head! I recognize so many characteristics and so many events going

> back

> > to my early childhood that I share with so many of you.Thank you,

> thank

> > you for being part of my life.

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

There's a buildup to my mothers explosions. She gets real moody, sighs a lot,

stomps around the house and then she goes ape shit. Sorry, but that's what I and

DH call it. She gets red in the face, the tendons in her neck bulge out, she

spits as she yells/screams/cries. She used to engage physically, but she hasn't

tried that since I was 15. She follows you from room to room going on and on and

just saying crazy stuff. There's no talking her down, reasoning with her - you

just have to get the helll out which is easier now that I am an adult and can

drive. Sometimes you get lucky and she leaves (walks out, drives away...).

Afterward, there is an awkward time and then an inadequate, maudlin apology of

sorts after which, everything is supposed to go back to normal. Yeah, and

rainbows shoot out my ass... She has even promised she's going to get " help " but

she never, never does. Thank god she lives far away and here's to hoping she

never moves near us! L'chaim!

> > Almost all of us talk about how our nadas " rage " . I'm curious what

> > raging means. Is it a temper tantrum, complete with rolling on the

> > floor? Or maybe just yelling? Or could it be more subdued, like

> being

> > moody? Or how about a could shoulder? Or an attitude? Or maybe

> just

> > being irritable. Or perhaps an overreaction to something that they

> > can't be reasoned with? Any ideas?

> >

> > Mother never yelled, screamed or had temper tantrums. That's why

> I'm

> > wondering about this.

> >

> > Smiles!

> > Carol

>

> Hi, Carol,

>

> If you haven't already read " Understanding the Borderline Mother, "

> try to find a copy. Seems to cover all the things you mentioned. My

> nada, who is very high functioning, rages. Then, when that's over,

> she gives you the cold shoulder for a while. It always starts with

> an overreaction to something, and they can never be reasoned with,

> any more than you can reason with a 2 year old in the middle of a

> temper tantrum. Some act out, some act in, but it's all the same

> thing. Hope this helps.

>

> Joy

>

[Guest guest]

Mine had a couple of standard rage-related behaviors.

One is nearly identical to the " cycle of domestic violence " that is more

familiar to the general public as a husband who batters his wife:

*the explosive rage, like a volcano erupting, followed by

*the apology/remorse and promise to not do that again, then

*the " honeymoon period " of niceness, kindness, etc., then

*the gradual build-up of irritation, criticism, fault-finding, picking fights,

etc., to nearly constant irritability, leading to some trigger that results

in...

*the explosive rage, again.

The other behavior of my nada's is an INSTANT triggering into a rage, with NO

warning whatsoever. Like lightning striking out of a clear blue sky.

Rages are adult tantrums; there is red-faced screaming, irrational accusations,

and with my nada, physical assault.

No child should be in the care of a mother or primary caregiver who has little

or no control over her emotions and subjects the child to her chronic

irritability/fault-finding/emotional abuse, or her periodic explosive rages

which may or may not include physical violence.

This is ABNORMAL behavior and it WILL severely traumatize a child and disrupt

the child's normal emotional development, and if this kind of abuse is frequent

and/or intense and/or chronic it can possibly cause permanent emotional damage

to the child.

-Annie

> > > Almost all of us talk about how our nadas " rage " . I'm curious what

> > > raging means. Is it a temper tantrum, complete with rolling on the

> > > floor? Or maybe just yelling? Or could it be more subdued, like

> > being

> > > moody? Or how about a could shoulder? Or an attitude? Or maybe

> > just

> > > being irritable. Or perhaps an overreaction to something that they

> > > can't be reasoned with? Any ideas?

> > >

> > > Mother never yelled, screamed or had temper tantrums. That's why

> > I'm

> > > wondering about this.

> > >

> > > Smiles!

> > > Carol

> >

> > Hi, Carol,

> >

> > If you haven't already read " Understanding the Borderline Mother, "

> > try to find a copy. Seems to cover all the things you mentioned. My

> > nada, who is very high functioning, rages. Then, when that's over,

> > she gives you the cold shoulder for a while. It always starts with

> > an overreaction to something, and they can never be reasoned with,

> > any more than you can reason with a 2 year old in the middle of a

> > temper tantrum. Some act out, some act in, but it's all the same

> > thing. Hope this helps.

> >

> > Joy

> >

>