Guest guest Posted March 22, 2011 Report Share Posted March 22, 2011 I feel that this post will be very long, because I need so badly to get so many things out. I have been trying to teach myself how to take care of myself and manage my emotions by observing those around me and acting. I really can't afford a therapist right now, and yes I know of all the on campus services, time is costly and I have to work. I have just never had a good experience with a therapist, and I refuse to get let down again. Last year I lived alone and totally crumbled in on myself. My own baggage was completely tearing me apart. I read the book, " surviving a borderline parent, " and it brought up a lot of extremely painful memories and confusion. I was completely lost for months, no job, failed all my classes, and then somehow through being flat broke and encountering a rather immersive instance of transference through a couple I was close with (the guy being BPD of a mother with BPD, girl was codependent, I was the mediator and Another device in another borderline manipulation trap). That relationship ended, and then I started sleeping with said guy with BPD. It was over Christmas break, after my mother and I had gotten into a world war III style fight. She and i have secrets sometimes, i know its a habit and she will never change, but some part of me wants to believe she is done being manipulative and that she realfly cares now and understands. Not so, she exaggerated the hell out of some information to my dad, who told me he was going to basically cut me off financially because of it. I didnt have a job at the time. I was fuming and she cornered me in the room i sleep in at their house, and started just dishing out the fucked up degrading remarks. I asked her to leave the room, you know how it goes " NO, THIS IS MY HOUSE, " asked her again and again before getting so angry I pushed her out of the way. She tried to hit me several times, I blocked her four or five times and accidentally knocked the side of her head. She threw all my belongings outside, and started to call the police before my dad finally got there to me a mess on the floor shaking and sobbing. Whatever my mom said to my dad upstairs, he was crying when he came down to tell me I couldn't stay there anymore. That I can't hit my mother. That was the third or fourth time I have seen my dad cry, and I am 21 now. Before all this, I had a really great experience on a road trip with them over the summer to visit my brother in Oregon. It was peaceful, and I felt okay with my parents, at least for the time we were there. It was a situation where we were forced to tolerate everything, but I've been on trips with them before. My mother is better now. Just not as much as she believes. My BPD friend was all of a sudden consoling. Saying all the right things. I needed comfort and I found it. I spent an entire week with him, before he dropped off the face of the earth one day and then told me we need to be friends. I was devastated momentarily- its just that when we connect, it's great. Story of our lives, right? Either way, I dodged a bullet on that one. We live in different cities. My main reason for posting here tonight, is that I feel I am constantly excusing myself based on my baggage. I feel like it's the only way to explain to people why they feel like i'm weird or off, but when I explain it the way I know it to be, people treat me as if I am a child who doesn't understand we all have problems, like I'm trying to get attention, but I don't do that anymore. I know, because I used to use my mom as an excuse to get attention, because I never got enough of it at home. I am extremely careful now. I might say something like, " I just grew up thinking this because of these reasons, so, it's hard for me to X, " it's not like I start going into what happened. There's no point! What year, what incident, what episode? Seizures, overdoses, dissociating from reality, personality switching, suicide attempt after suicide attempt to name a few (the really obvious borderline traits didn't show until I was in high school, amongst repetitions of the things she already always did). None of those things are things people want to have to try to comprehend experiencing. I haven't told two of my roommates basically anything about my childhood besides the surface value information, the disorder, etcetera. They just are never going to get it. I just feel so isolated, and I feel overdramatic. Sometimes it feels like everyone is borderline. I feel like I keep seeing it everywhere and I'm growing terrified of those patterns. That stupid reality show- teen mom II-- my roommates are obsessed with it. There is a girl named jenelle and her mother is basically classic boderline. My roommates think it is all jenelle, that shes a spoiled brat, and an attention whore. They think Im overdramatic and too into the show because I get seriously personally affected by that mom. It makes me want to scream and break things, how the hell can't people see it? Why can't they see it? I am trying to fight this wave of emotion constantly and I know and see so many things because of what I have experienced. Still, I get taken advantage of, ignored, disrespected by people I know and enjoy. Even though I assert myself now, I can't feel my place. I am so confused. I hope that some of this makes sense and I'm not even really looking for an answer more than.. How do I feel connected? I am a social chameleon, and empathetic to a fault, and sometimes I can see how people struggle in the same ways that I do. I just can't help but still feel extremely misunderstood and isolated. I never meet anyone on the same page as me, I just pretend to. I feel trapped again, even though I'm doing all the things I am supposed to be doing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 22, 2011 Report Share Posted March 22, 2011 Hi Kat, It sounds to me like you have had a difficult childhood and teen-hood and that your mother is not very emotionally validating, and she's violent, and your dad is also not particularly supportive or validating; that's a lot to try and deal with on your own. Have you been formally diagnosed by any of your earlier therapists? Please don't disclose any dx here, your dx is not my business; I'm asking so you can give yourself a starting point to begin researching for a therapist who is familiar with your symptoms and trained to help you with the kinds of damage you sustained, for when you are able to afford therapy again. Please don't give up on finding a good therapist, there are good ones, you just have to " shop " for them. If you feel like you may be having difficulty with emotional regulation (you mentioned wanting to manage your emotions better and some of the incidents you mention seem to revolve around extreme emotions) my understanding is that dialectical behavioral therapy gives you tools to help you stay " in the moment " , help you learn how to self-monitor, self-soothe, and self-regulate run-away emotions. So, maybe consider researching dialectical behavioral therapy and see if it resonates with you, and find out if there are any dbt therapists in your area. They're kind of sparse. Also, I think I've read that there are some self-help dbt books on the market. Best of luck to you, and post when you can. -Annie > > I feel that this post will be very long, because I need so badly to get so many things out. I have been trying to teach myself how to take care of myself and manage my emotions by observing those around me and acting. I really can't afford a therapist right now, and yes I know of all the on campus services, time is costly and I have to work. I have just never had a good experience with a therapist, and I refuse to get let down again. > > Last year I lived alone and totally crumbled in on myself. My own baggage was completely tearing me apart. I read the book, " surviving a borderline parent, " and it brought up a lot of extremely painful memories and confusion. I was completely lost for months, no job, failed all my classes, and then somehow through being flat broke and encountering a rather immersive instance of transference through a couple I was close with (the guy being BPD of a mother with BPD, girl was codependent, I was the mediator and Another device in another borderline manipulation trap). > > That relationship ended, and then I started sleeping with said guy with BPD. It was over Christmas break, after my mother and I had gotten into a world war III style fight. > She and i have secrets sometimes, i know its a habit and she will never change, but some part of me wants to believe she is done being manipulative and that she realfly cares now and understands. Not so, she exaggerated the hell out of some information to my dad, who told me he was going to basically cut me off financially because of it. I didnt have a job at the time. > I was fuming and she cornered me in the room i sleep in at their house, and started just dishing out the fucked up degrading remarks. I asked her to leave the room, you know how it goes " NO, THIS IS MY HOUSE, " asked her again and again before getting so angry I pushed her out of the way. She tried to hit me several times, I blocked her four or five times and accidentally knocked the side of her head. She threw all my belongings outside, and started to call the police before my dad finally got there to me a mess on the floor shaking and sobbing. Whatever my mom said to my dad upstairs, he was crying when he came down to tell me I couldn't stay there anymore. That I can't hit my mother. That was the third or fourth time I have seen my dad cry, and I am 21 now. > > Before all this, I had a really great experience on a road trip with them over the summer to visit my brother in Oregon. It was peaceful, and I felt okay with my parents, at least for the time we were there. It was a situation where we were forced to tolerate everything, but I've been on trips with them before. My mother is better now. Just not as much as she believes. > > My BPD friend was all of a sudden consoling. Saying all the right things. I needed comfort and I found it. I spent an entire week with him, before he dropped off the face of the earth one day and then told me we need to be friends. I was devastated momentarily- its just that when we connect, it's great. Story of our lives, right? Either way, I dodged a bullet on that one. We live in different cities. > > My main reason for posting here tonight, is that I feel I am constantly excusing myself based on my baggage. I feel like it's the only way to explain to people why they feel like i'm weird or off, but when I explain it the way I know it to be, people treat me as if I am a child who doesn't understand we all have problems, like I'm trying to get attention, but I don't do that anymore. I know, because I used to use my mom as an excuse to get attention, because I never got enough of it at home. I am extremely careful now. I might say something like, " I just grew up thinking this because of these reasons, so, it's hard for me to X, " it's not like I start going into what happened. There's no point! What year, what incident, what episode? Seizures, overdoses, dissociating from reality, personality switching, suicide attempt after suicide attempt to name a few (the really obvious borderline traits didn't show until I was in high school, amongst repetitions of the things she already always did). None of those things are things people want to have to try to comprehend experiencing. I haven't told two of my roommates basically anything about my childhood besides the surface value information, the disorder, etcetera. They just are never going to get it. > > I just feel so isolated, and I feel overdramatic. Sometimes it feels like everyone is borderline. I feel like I keep seeing it everywhere and I'm growing terrified of those patterns. That stupid reality show- teen mom II-- my roommates are obsessed with it. There is a girl named jenelle and her mother is basically classic boderline. My roommates think it is all jenelle, that shes a spoiled brat, and an attention whore. > They think Im overdramatic and too into the show because I get seriously personally affected by that mom. It makes me want to scream and break things, how the hell can't people see it? Why can't they see it? I am trying to fight this wave of emotion constantly and I know and see so many things because of what I have experienced. Still, I get taken advantage of, ignored, disrespected by people I know and enjoy. Even though I assert myself now, I can't feel my place. I am so confused. > > I hope that some of this makes sense and I'm not even really looking for an answer more than.. How do I feel connected? I am a social chameleon, and empathetic to a fault, and sometimes I can see how people struggle in the same ways that I do. I just can't help but still feel extremely misunderstood and isolated. I never meet anyone on the same page as me, I just pretend to. I feel trapped again, even though I'm doing all the things I am supposed to be doing. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 22, 2011 Report Share Posted March 22, 2011 I second this advice. It sounds like you had a very difficult childhood, Kat. You are still young and it is a lot to deal with. The good news is things can get better. The bad news is that it is a lot of work and takes quite a while. You have never had appropriate behavior modeled for you. I used to practice acting how I saw others act or how I wanted to be able to act. I found it was helpful. But in the long run, I had to stop my bad behavior before I could really replace it with better behavior. And once we give up our bad behavior, we're not sure what to replace it with, hence the pretending. It's a struggle, but don't give up. It will eventually pay off. And do seek out a therapist you connect with when you are able to. Gail > Hi Kat, > > It sounds to me like you have had a difficult childhood and teen-hood and that your mother is not very emotionally validating, and she's violent, and your dad is also not particularly supportive or validating; that's a lot to try and deal with on your own. > > Have you been formally diagnosed by any of your earlier therapists? > Please don't disclose any dx here, your dx is not my business; I'm asking so you can give yourself a starting point to begin researching for a therapist who is familiar with your symptoms and trained to help you with the kinds of damage you sustained, for when you are able to afford therapy again. Please don't give up on finding a good therapist, there are good ones, you just have to " shop " for them. > > If you feel like you may be having difficulty with emotional regulation (you mentioned wanting to manage your emotions better and some of the incidents you mention seem to revolve around extreme emotions) my understanding is that dialectical behavioral therapy gives you tools to help you stay " in the moment " , help you learn how to self-monitor, self-soothe, and self-regulate run-away emotions. > > So, maybe consider researching dialectical behavioral therapy and see if it resonates with you, and find out if there are any dbt therapists in your area. They're kind of sparse. Also, I think I've read that there are some self-help dbt books on the market. > > Best of luck to you, and post when you can. > > -Annie > > > > > > I feel that this post will be very long, because I need so badly to get so many things out. I have been trying to teach myself how to take care of myself and manage my emotions by observing those around me and acting. I really can't afford a therapist right now, and yes I know of all the on campus services, time is costly and I have to work. I have just never had a good experience with a therapist, and I refuse to get let down again. > > > > Last year I lived alone and totally crumbled in on myself. My own baggage was completely tearing me apart. I read the book, " surviving a borderline parent, " and it brought up a lot of extremely painful memories and confusion. I was completely lost for months, no job, failed all my classes, and then somehow through being flat broke and encountering a rather immersive instance of transference through a couple I was close with (the guy being BPD of a mother with BPD, girl was codependent, I was the mediator and Another device in another borderline manipulation trap). > > > > That relationship ended, and then I started sleeping with said guy with BPD. It was over Christmas break, after my mother and I had gotten into a world war III style fight. > > She and i have secrets sometimes, i know its a habit and she will never change, but some part of me wants to believe she is done being manipulative and that she realfly cares now and understands. Not so, she exaggerated the hell out of some information to my dad, who told me he was going to basically cut me off financially because of it. I didnt have a job at the time. > > I was fuming and she cornered me in the room i sleep in at their house, and started just dishing out the fucked up degrading remarks. I asked her to leave the room, you know how it goes " NO, THIS IS MY HOUSE, " asked her again and again before getting so angry I pushed her out of the way. She tried to hit me several times, I blocked her four or five times and accidentally knocked the side of her head. She threw all my belongings outside, and started to call the police before my dad finally got there to me a mess on the floor shaking and sobbing. Whatever my mom said to my dad upstairs, he was crying when he came down to tell me I couldn't stay there anymore. That I can't hit my mother. That was the third or fourth time I have seen my dad cry, and I am 21 now. > > > > Before all this, I had a really great experience on a road trip with them over the summer to visit my brother in Oregon. It was peaceful, and I felt okay with my parents, at least for the time we were there. It was a situation where we were forced to tolerate everything, but I've been on trips with them before. My mother is better now. Just not as much as she believes. > > > > My BPD friend was all of a sudden consoling. Saying all the right things. I needed comfort and I found it. I spent an entire week with him, before he dropped off the face of the earth one day and then told me we need to be friends. I was devastated momentarily- its just that when we connect, it's great. Story of our lives, right? Either way, I dodged a bullet on that one. We live in different cities. > > > > My main reason for posting here tonight, is that I feel I am constantly excusing myself based on my baggage. I feel like it's the only way to explain to people why they feel like i'm weird or off, but when I explain it the way I know it to be, people treat me as if I am a child who doesn't understand we all have problems, like I'm trying to get attention, but I don't do that anymore. I know, because I used to use my mom as an excuse to get attention, because I never got enough of it at home. I am extremely careful now. I might say something like, " I just grew up thinking this because of these reasons, so, it's hard for me to X, " it's not like I start going into what happened. There's no point! What year, what incident, what episode? Seizures, overdoses, dissociating from reality, personality switching, suicide attempt after suicide attempt to name a few (the really obvious borderline traits didn't show until I was in high school, amongst repetitions of the things she already always did). None of those things are things people want to have to try to comprehend experiencing. I haven't told two of my roommates basically anything about my childhood besides the surface value information, the disorder, etcetera. They just are never going to get it. > > > > I just feel so isolated, and I feel overdramatic. Sometimes it feels like everyone is borderline. I feel like I keep seeing it everywhere and I'm growing terrified of those patterns. That stupid reality show- teen mom II-- my roommates are obsessed with it. There is a girl named jenelle and her mother is basically classic boderline. My roommates think it is all jenelle, that shes a spoiled brat, and an attention whore. > > They think Im overdramatic and too into the show because I get seriously personally affected by that mom. It makes me want to scream and break things, how the hell can't people see it? Why can't they see it? I am trying to fight this wave of emotion constantly and I know and see so many things because of what I have experienced. Still, I get taken advantage of, ignored, disrespected by people I know and enjoy. Even though I assert myself now, I can't feel my place. I am so confused. > > > > I hope that some of this makes sense and I'm not even really looking for an answer more than.. How do I feel connected? I am a social chameleon, and empathetic to a fault, and sometimes I can see how people struggle in the same ways that I do. I just can't help but still feel extremely misunderstood and isolated. I never meet anyone on the same page as me, I just pretend to. I feel trapped again, even though I'm doing all the things I am supposed to be doing. > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 22, 2011 Report Share Posted March 22, 2011 Another bit of advice, try to surround yourself with the healthiest people you can find. When you decide someone is not healthy to be around, out with the old! Look for healthier people. You may feel that really healthy people won't want to be around you and you may even feel you scare them away. But as you become healthier and surround yourself with healthier and healthier people everyday, the better examples of how to live will begin to rub off on you. And my best advice for any child of a BP, and what saved my life, is move far away from your abuser! > Hi Kat, > > It sounds to me like you have had a difficult childhood and teen-hood and that your mother is not very emotionally validating, and she's violent, and your dad is also not particularly supportive or validating; that's a lot to try and deal with on your own. > > Have you been formally diagnosed by any of your earlier therapists? > Please don't disclose any dx here, your dx is not my business; I'm asking so you can give yourself a starting point to begin researching for a therapist who is familiar with your symptoms and trained to help you with the kinds of damage you sustained, for when you are able to afford therapy again. Please don't give up on finding a good therapist, there are good ones, you just have to " shop " for them. > > If you feel like you may be having difficulty with emotional regulation (you mentioned wanting to manage your emotions better and some of the incidents you mention seem to revolve around extreme emotions) my understanding is that dialectical behavioral therapy gives you tools to help you stay " in the moment " , help you learn how to self-monitor, self-soothe, and self-regulate run-away emotions. > > So, maybe consider researching dialectical behavioral therapy and see if it resonates with you, and find out if there are any dbt therapists in your area. They're kind of sparse. Also, I think I've read that there are some self-help dbt books on the market. > > Best of luck to you, and post when you can. > > -Annie > > > > > > I feel that this post will be very long, because I need so badly to get so many things out. I have been trying to teach myself how to take care of myself and manage my emotions by observing those around me and acting. I really can't afford a therapist right now, and yes I know of all the on campus services, time is costly and I have to work. I have just never had a good experience with a therapist, and I refuse to get let down again. > > > > Last year I lived alone and totally crumbled in on myself. My own baggage was completely tearing me apart. I read the book, " surviving a borderline parent, " and it brought up a lot of extremely painful memories and confusion. I was completely lost for months, no job, failed all my classes, and then somehow through being flat broke and encountering a rather immersive instance of transference through a couple I was close with (the guy being BPD of a mother with BPD, girl was codependent, I was the mediator and Another device in another borderline manipulation trap). > > > > That relationship ended, and then I started sleeping with said guy with BPD. It was over Christmas break, after my mother and I had gotten into a world war III style fight. > > She and i have secrets sometimes, i know its a habit and she will never change, but some part of me wants to believe she is done being manipulative and that she realfly cares now and understands. Not so, she exaggerated the hell out of some information to my dad, who told me he was going to basically cut me off financially because of it. I didnt have a job at the time. > > I was fuming and she cornered me in the room i sleep in at their house, and started just dishing out the fucked up degrading remarks. I asked her to leave the room, you know how it goes " NO, THIS IS MY HOUSE, " asked her again and again before getting so angry I pushed her out of the way. She tried to hit me several times, I blocked her four or five times and accidentally knocked the side of her head. She threw all my belongings outside, and started to call the police before my dad finally got there to me a mess on the floor shaking and sobbing. Whatever my mom said to my dad upstairs, he was crying when he came down to tell me I couldn't stay there anymore. That I can't hit my mother. That was the third or fourth time I have seen my dad cry, and I am 21 now. > > > > Before all this, I had a really great experience on a road trip with them over the summer to visit my brother in Oregon. It was peaceful, and I felt okay with my parents, at least for the time we were there. It was a situation where we were forced to tolerate everything, but I've been on trips with them before. My mother is better now. Just not as much as she believes. > > > > My BPD friend was all of a sudden consoling. Saying all the right things. I needed comfort and I found it. I spent an entire week with him, before he dropped off the face of the earth one day and then told me we need to be friends. I was devastated momentarily- its just that when we connect, it's great. Story of our lives, right? Either way, I dodged a bullet on that one. We live in different cities. > > > > My main reason for posting here tonight, is that I feel I am constantly excusing myself based on my baggage. I feel like it's the only way to explain to people why they feel like i'm weird or off, but when I explain it the way I know it to be, people treat me as if I am a child who doesn't understand we all have problems, like I'm trying to get attention, but I don't do that anymore. I know, because I used to use my mom as an excuse to get attention, because I never got enough of it at home. I am extremely careful now. I might say something like, " I just grew up thinking this because of these reasons, so, it's hard for me to X, " it's not like I start going into what happened. There's no point! What year, what incident, what episode? Seizures, overdoses, dissociating from reality, personality switching, suicide attempt after suicide attempt to name a few (the really obvious borderline traits didn't show until I was in high school, amongst repetitions of the things she already always did). None of those things are things people want to have to try to comprehend experiencing. I haven't told two of my roommates basically anything about my childhood besides the surface value information, the disorder, etcetera. They just are never going to get it. > > > > I just feel so isolated, and I feel overdramatic. Sometimes it feels like everyone is borderline. I feel like I keep seeing it everywhere and I'm growing terrified of those patterns. That stupid reality show- teen mom II-- my roommates are obsessed with it. There is a girl named jenelle and her mother is basically classic boderline. My roommates think it is all jenelle, that shes a spoiled brat, and an attention whore. > > They think Im overdramatic and too into the show because I get seriously personally affected by that mom. It makes me want to scream and break things, how the hell can't people see it? Why can't they see it? I am trying to fight this wave of emotion constantly and I know and see so many things because of what I have experienced. Still, I get taken advantage of, ignored, disrespected by people I know and enjoy. Even though I assert myself now, I can't feel my place. I am so confused. > > > > I hope that some of this makes sense and I'm not even really looking for an answer more than.. How do I feel connected? I am a social chameleon, and empathetic to a fault, and sometimes I can see how people struggle in the same ways that I do. I just can't help but still feel extremely misunderstood and isolated. I never meet anyone on the same page as me, I just pretend to. I feel trapped again, even though I'm doing all the things I am supposed to be doing. > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 24, 2011 Report Share Posted March 24, 2011 " I am a social chameleon, and empathetic to a fault, and sometimes I can see how people struggle in the same ways that I do. I just can't help but still feel extremely misunderstood and isolated. I never meet anyone on the same page as me, I just pretend to. I feel trapped again, even though I'm doing all the things I am supposed to be doing. " Oh Kat, those words could have come out of my mouth when I was your age! Your road sounds like a rough one, you're probably one of those people who's too old for your actual age. I'm so sorry! I spent the vast majority of my 20s feeling JUST like that. It spiralled into horrible social anxiety and self-esteem issues, drug abuse and various other self-destructive behaviors. I just felt alone and freakish and downright neurotic *all* the damn time! You should absolutely consider finding a therapist. I agree with the earlier posts, there are most certainly good ones out there, and you do have to shop around. It's worth the effort though! Try to find productive outlets for all that pent up stress- writing, working, exercising, whatever holds your interest and makes you feel happy! And trust me, a lot of that mental chaos will settle with time. You may want to consider more limited contact with your parents as soon as you are able to. It's more important for you to sort yourself out, and their influence sounds rather toxic. BTW I watched a few episodes of Teen Mom 2- I think Jenelle's mom is BPD too! ((HUGS)) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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