No good deed goes unpunished

March 23, 2011

I knew it.

IknewitIknewitIKNEWIT!!

I've been NC for almost 4 years after my mom was nasty to my kids and when I

confronted her about it, she essentially made fun of me and then both she and

dad were nasty to me. Since then there have been attempted drop-ins, phone

calls, gifts left on the front porch, etc., all of which have been

ignored/unacknowledged. The gifts have gone to either Goodwill or a local

shelter for abused women and children.

So my dad left me a voicemail late last week to let me know that my grandmother

and uncle, both on his side, had died. I chose not to go to the funeral as I

didn't want to hang out with people I don't trust, but the softer part of me

thought, holy crap, the guy *did* just lose two relatives within 12 hours of

each other, and I do appreciate that he let me know.

So, I sent a card. I lucked out and found one that could be interpreted as a

double-entendre as the inside of the card reads simply " Wishing you whatever you

need most " (I have in the past told my mother that she need professional

help....Bwahahahaha) and signed it " The [my last name] family " . I knew when I

sent it that it would likely be interpreted as an invitation to start calling

again, but I thought it was the right thing to do.

Sure enough, yesterday dad calls. I let it go to voicemail, sat on it for a few

hours, and out of morbid curiosity finally listened to it late yesterday

afternoon. Okay, so let me remind you of the context: grandparents mean to my

kids, steamrolling my boundaries, and I reach out with a kind gesture for the

first time in nearly four years.

What I get in response is a " thanks for the card " , followed by a statement that

the funeral was videotaped for those who couldn't make it. He then asks where

he should send it, as he is afraid that if he sent it to our house, it would be

" censored and destroyed " like all of the gifts they have dropped off over the

years. He then says that he's visited with my neighbors about this (the gifts,

that is, and jeez that's creepy), and that nada's " counsellor " thinks that could

be considered child abuse, especially since my husband wouldn't let my dad

strike up a conversation with my five year old son when they accidentally ran

into him at the grocery store (My husband was pretty ticked off when this

happened, and basically told my dad that this was neither the time nor the place

for this conversation, told the kids it was time to leave, grabbed the kids and

walked out, leaving a full grocery cart behind). Dad goes further to state that

other shoppers were bewildered by the scene, and one said " He's crazy "

(referring to my husband). My dad magnanimously says " I offered no rebuttal. "

So, to summarize, I send a card, and in return I get the message that a. my

parents are canvassing my neighbors and telling them God knows what, b. I'm

abusing my children, and c. my husband is crazy. All of it passively, of

course, ultimately deniable, but dammit, THAT MESSAGE IS THERE.

I've got a certain Cee Lo song running through my head right now, just the title

line mostly. And if anything has strengthened my resolve to stay away from

them, this is right up there with the best.

March 23, 2011

Writermanque,

I am so sorry! It is not my own parent and all the same there is an

incomprehensible anger that arises in me over how far they will go.

Going to your neighbors to talk about you and their gifts? Thats

starting to sound like a stalker... Claiming a " professional " might

call your behavior abusive and all too willing to agree by omission

that your husband is crazy...and make a point of letting you know he

did that...all brought on because your compassion got the better of

you and you extended acknowledgment of what he is going through. Wow.

Mind boggling... I am so sorry.

Hugs

March 23, 2011

Hey Cuddle,

Thanks. In some ways I am very happy this occurred. I think it was sort of the

" moment of clarity " that I needed. I have three kids of my own, and if one of

them hadn't spoken to me in almost four years and then tried to reach out, if

only just a little, I think my only response would be " Thank you.

Thankyouthankyouthankyou. I love you and it was great hearing from you. " But

to take advantage of the gesture and layer on all this passive-aggressive

crap....bleccch. I have officially given up on them.

But again, thanks.

>

> Writermanque,

>

> I am so sorry! It is not my own parent and all the same there is an

> incomprehensible anger that arises in me over how far they will go.

> Going to your neighbors to talk about you and their gifts? Thats

> starting to sound like a stalker... Claiming a " professional " might

> call your behavior abusive and all too willing to agree by omission

> that your husband is crazy...and make a point of letting you know he

> did that...all brought on because your compassion got the better of

> you and you extended acknowledgment of what he is going through. Wow.

> Mind boggling... I am so sorry.

>

> Hugs

>

March 23, 2011

I want to add my condolences to you for receiving another dose of " hostile and

toxic " from your parents. That is so creepy and (I agree) stalker-ish for your

parents to contact your neighbors, to engage in confrontation attempts in

public, and then make it seem as though they are the innocent party and you and

your husband are the crazy ones. Its just SO not fair.

It really does make one think twice about even making the most minimal polite

and thoughtful response to life events when in No Contact with

personality-disordered parents, for that very reason.

-Annie