Non-BP Oldest child wants to help her non-BP younger siblings with Mom's BP?

[Guest guest]

I'm becoming increasingly certain that my mother has BPD. I know that the amount

of help that I can offer her is limited. However, I think that my little sisters

(15 and 17) are having trouble understanding why their mom says hurtful things

to them. I know it sounds like they're old enough to get the hint, but my mom's

been a lot harder on them than she has been on me. I've tried explaining the

situation to them, but they've both been hurt so badly, it's still hard for them

to accept. Is there anything I can do to help them know that this isn't their

fault?

[Guest guest]

That is so courageous and compassionate of you to want to help your little

sisters cope with your ubpd mom. (undiagnosed bpd mom).

What a good big sister you are!

You're the only one who knows what kinds of abuse and degree of abuse we're

talking about, and how frequent and intense the abuse is.

Are the girls in physical danger from your mother? (Physical violence, screaming

rages, medical neglect, exposure to sexual predation from mom's boyfriends, drug

and alcohol abuse in the home, etc?)

Or, is your mother's abuse more psychological? (Hyper-critical, perfectionist,

tearing down their sense of self-worth, putting the girls in no-win situations,

infantilizing them, parentifying them, pitting them against each other, etc.?)

What I'm getting at, is that if the girls are experiencing severe physical abuse

and neglect, then, its a matter for child protective services.

If the abuse is more psychological than physical, then, my suggestion is to take

your sisters out with you and spend as much time with them together and

individually as possible.

Just get them away from your mother as often as you can, and instead of

discussing mom's mental disorder (which the girls might not be mature enough to

cope with; it may make them feel disloyal and obligated to defend mommy from

you) discuss how *they're* feeling, what *they're* doing, and encourage them to

feel good about themselves and hopeful about their future.

In other words, *you* mother them. You be the Good Mother that they don't have

at home. Your calm, rational, happy, joyful life and *your belief in them as

good human beings with a lot of potential* will go a LONG way in counteracting

any negative crap they're hearing about themselves from their " nada " ( " not a

mom " )

Their self-esteem can improve if you can sincerely say things to them like:

" I'm so proud of you! " " See, you can pass this course; it just takes a little

homework each night. I think you have a real talent with (whatever it is.) "

Let me know if you have questions, I'll answer as best I can. " " Woo Hoo! I

knew you could do it! " " You have such pretty eyes, let's see what this color of

eyeliner looks like on you. " " I like your taste in clothes, would you like to

go shopping with me? " (and then buy her/them a little something too.)

Very, very gradually introduce the idea that there are books about something

called " borderline pd " , let them know you have these books and they are welcome

to read them and talk with you about them, if and when they want to.

That's all I can think of; I hope that helps.

-Annie

>

> I'm becoming increasingly certain that my mother has BPD. I know that the

amount of help that I can offer her is limited. However, I think that my little

sisters (15 and 17) are having trouble understanding why their mom says hurtful

things to them. I know it sounds like they're old enough to get the hint, but my

mom's been a lot harder on them than she has been on me. I've tried explaining

the situation to them, but they've both been hurt so badly, it's still hard for

them to accept. Is there anything I can do to help them know that this isn't

their fault?

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Assuming that they're not being physically abused, I think the

best things you can do for them is be available for them to talk

to and enourage them in whatever they want to pursue in life.

They almost certainly need to have someone telling them that

they can suceed and that they should pursue their own dreams.

I have a half-sister who's 20 years younger than me. I ended up

persuading my nada to move to the city where I live so that my

sister would have a sane and responsible adult in her life. I

let her know on a constant, but low-key basis that our nada was

mentally ill and that her lack of satisfaction and general

nastyness were her own fault, not ours. I wouldn't try pushing

your sisters to accept the idea that your nada has BPD. If

they're ready to talk about what the problem is, by all means

start sharing that, but in the meantime I'd recommend just

reassuring them that what is going on with her isn't their

fault. The more times they hear that, the more likely it is to

sink in. If you show confidence in them, that's likely to sink

in too. Also, if you can, get them out or the house and help

them get time away from your nada on a regular basis. They need

to have time to just be teenage girls without having to worry

about their mother and her problems.

At 11:44 PM 03/23/2011 wrote:

>I'm becoming increasingly certain that my mother has BPD. I

>know that the amount of help that I can offer her is limited.

>However, I think that my little sisters (15 and 17) are having

>trouble understanding why their mom says hurtful things to

>them. I know it sounds like they're old enough to get the hint,

>but my mom's been a lot harder on them than she has been on me.

>I've tried explaining the situation to them, but they've both

>been hurt so badly, it's still hard for them to accept. Is

>there anything I can do to help them know that this isn't their

>fault?

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Thank you to both of the people who responded, I really appreciate the help! I'm

a nineteen year old college student, so I can't bring them to live with me or be

there to take them out of the house. Her abuse is emotional, but my father was

abused in much this way as a child and doesn't really see it as abuse, though he

recognizes a problem. They're all going to family therapy, which I know may not

help my nada, but the rest of my family might benefit a lot. Thank you so much

for your support! I will definitely take your words to heart.