First confrontation - tips please

[Guest guest]

I say " first " confrontation because its the first time I've went into

confronting my mom with the right tools. I read the chapter in SWOE about

asserting your needs about 3 times yesterday and role played some with my

husband last night.

This is the first time I feel prepared to talk to my mom and don't feel like

throwing up. I could try to ignore her outburst and shove it under the rug

hoping it will go away but I can't do that anymore.

Basically, I am agreeing to talk to her only to set limits and boundaries for

myself and my family. She has accused me in an email this week of having a

" communication problem, having a big problem with her, and you mistreating her "

and says " I won't take it anymore " .

I fully expect her to come into the " talk " making demands of how I am to behave

from here on out and trying to bait me into petty arguments that are useless and

go around in circles as usual.

BUT I WILL NOT DO IT!

I'm not sure how to handle this as she is going to plow straight into her

accusations and telling me how I mistreat her, distorting facts and saying I use

hateful tones of voice with her, yada yada.

She has accused me of being " hateful and mean " to her on the phone before when I

was simply chasing my toddler and out of breath. She also asked me a very

personal question out of the blue recently that caught me off guard and I admit

I was short with her about that because it was out of line for her ask me and it

made me angry. (I know, my response could have been better)

All that to say, I know she is going to bring all of this up and want to argue

and debate it. I couldn't really get a clear pictures from SWOE on how exactly

to combat that. Could some people here please give me some tips?

This is hard. As I have prayed I don't think going to a professional counselor

to have this discussion is a wise thing but I do think I would like a " witness "

present to do nothing more than sit there and be a presence. Not sure who that

will be yet.

Thank you for the tips and TIA for answering my questions.

[Guest guest]

Correction typo. Should have read - " She has accused me in an email this week of

having a " communication problem " " a big problem with me " , and " you are

mistreating me " .....

>

> I say " first " confrontation because its the first time I've went into

confronting my mom with the right tools. I read the chapter in SWOE about

asserting your needs about 3 times yesterday and role played some with my

husband last night.

>

> This is the first time I feel prepared to talk to my mom and don't feel like

throwing up. I could try to ignore her outburst and shove it under the rug

hoping it will go away but I can't do that anymore.

>

> Basically, I am agreeing to talk to her only to set limits and boundaries for

myself and my family. She has accused me in an email this week of having a

" communication problem, having a big problem with her, and you mistreating her "

and says " I won't take it anymore " .

>

> I fully expect her to come into the " talk " making demands of how I am to

behave from here on out and trying to bait me into petty arguments that are

useless and go around in circles as usual.

>

> BUT I WILL NOT DO IT!

>

> I'm not sure how to handle this as she is going to plow straight into her

accusations and telling me how I mistreat her, distorting facts and saying I use

hateful tones of voice with her, yada yada.

>

> She has accused me of being " hateful and mean " to her on the phone before when

I was simply chasing my toddler and out of breath. She also asked me a very

personal question out of the blue recently that caught me off guard and I admit

I was short with her about that because it was out of line for her ask me and it

made me angry. (I know, my response could have been better)

>

> All that to say, I know she is going to bring all of this up and want to argue

and debate it. I couldn't really get a clear pictures from SWOE on how exactly

to combat that. Could some people here please give me some tips?

>

> This is hard. As I have prayed I don't think going to a professional counselor

to have this discussion is a wise thing but I do think I would like a " witness "

present to do nothing more than sit there and be a presence. Not sure who that

will be yet.

>

> Thank you for the tips and TIA for answering my questions.

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Big Sister, Here is a brief interpretation tip: keep in mind that whatever

negative things that nada accuses you of will be exactly *her* behaviors. What

happens is that when nada senses resistance or boundaries to the negative things

and harm she does, she immediately identifies them all and places them (quite

skillfully) onto the KO. So--Your nada is the one having 'communication issues'

and she knows on some level that she is 'mistreating' you.

Good luck,

Charlie

> >

> > I say " first " confrontation because its the first time I've went into

confronting my mom with the right tools. I read the chapter in SWOE about

asserting your needs about 3 times yesterday and role played some with my

husband last night.

> >

> > This is the first time I feel prepared to talk to my mom and don't feel like

throwing up. I could try to ignore her outburst and shove it under the rug

hoping it will go away but I can't do that anymore.

> >

> > Basically, I am agreeing to talk to her only to set limits and boundaries

for myself and my family. She has accused me in an email this week of having a

" communication problem, having a big problem with her, and you mistreating her "

and says " I won't take it anymore " .

> >

> > I fully expect her to come into the " talk " making demands of how I am to

behave from here on out and trying to bait me into petty arguments that are

useless and go around in circles as usual.

> >

> > BUT I WILL NOT DO IT!

> >

> > I'm not sure how to handle this as she is going to plow straight into her

accusations and telling me how I mistreat her, distorting facts and saying I use

hateful tones of voice with her, yada yada.

> >

> > She has accused me of being " hateful and mean " to her on the phone before

when I was simply chasing my toddler and out of breath. She also asked me a very

personal question out of the blue recently that caught me off guard and I admit

I was short with her about that because it was out of line for her ask me and it

made me angry. (I know, my response could have been better)

> >

> > All that to say, I know she is going to bring all of this up and want to

argue and debate it. I couldn't really get a clear pictures from SWOE on how

exactly to combat that. Could some people here please give me some tips?

> >

> > This is hard. As I have prayed I don't think going to a professional

counselor to have this discussion is a wise thing but I do think I would like a

" witness " present to do nothing more than sit there and be a presence. Not sure

who that will be yet.

> >

> > Thank you for the tips and TIA for answering my questions.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

THANK YOU CHARLIE!! That is very insightful and helpful!

I was just getting ready to repost this as I thought it got lost in the shuffle.

I truly appreciate your reply.

I just continue role playing and going through all the scenarios I know my mom

will throw. Fortunately(?), this isn't my first rodeo so I can almost predict

word for word how my mom will respond to everything I say. Only this time, I'm

prepared not to engage in useless conversation or arguments and only to set

limits for myself.

Thank you again. I appreciate it so much.

Fredia

> > >

> > > I say " first " confrontation because its the first time I've went into

confronting my mom with the right tools. I read the chapter in SWOE about

asserting your needs about 3 times yesterday and role played some with my

husband last night.

> > >

> > > This is the first time I feel prepared to talk to my mom and don't feel

like throwing up. I could try to ignore her outburst and shove it under the rug

hoping it will go away but I can't do that anymore.

> > >

> > > Basically, I am agreeing to talk to her only to set limits and boundaries

for myself and my family. She has accused me in an email this week of having a

" communication problem, having a big problem with her, and you mistreating her "

and says " I won't take it anymore " .

> > >

> > > I fully expect her to come into the " talk " making demands of how I am to

behave from here on out and trying to bait me into petty arguments that are

useless and go around in circles as usual.

> > >

> > > BUT I WILL NOT DO IT!

> > >

> > > I'm not sure how to handle this as she is going to plow straight into her

accusations and telling me how I mistreat her, distorting facts and saying I use

hateful tones of voice with her, yada yada.

> > >

> > > She has accused me of being " hateful and mean " to her on the phone before

when I was simply chasing my toddler and out of breath. She also asked me a very

personal question out of the blue recently that caught me off guard and I admit

I was short with her about that because it was out of line for her ask me and it

made me angry. (I know, my response could have been better)

> > >

> > > All that to say, I know she is going to bring all of this up and want to

argue and debate it. I couldn't really get a clear pictures from SWOE on how

exactly to combat that. Could some people here please give me some tips?

> > >

> > > This is hard. As I have prayed I don't think going to a professional

counselor to have this discussion is a wise thing but I do think I would like a

" witness " present to do nothing more than sit there and be a presence. Not sure

who that will be yet.

> > >

> > > Thank you for the tips and TIA for answering my questions.

> > >

> >

>