new lesson

[Guest guest]

I want to apologize for any time that I have come on too strong to people on

this board, whenever there has been a conflict or difference of perspective.

I recently learned a profound lesson. I have a tendency to handle conflict by

being really strong... and recently I read the book Safe People, which has been

recommended to me several times on here, but I finally got around to it. The

book discusses who we can share our innermost selves and personal struggles

with. and that it is important to have people whom one can trust with one's

struggles.

I had a conflict recently, and I went to a friend who is a " Safe person " and I

told her, this is my struggle, i usually get angry and can't contain my

reaction, and I need your help. She went with me to discuss the conflict with

the other party, and she mediated, and it felt so good to handle a conflict and

to be angry without it overpowering me. I realized that I had perhaps learned

from nada (she was my role model my entire youth) to go into a conflict with

guns blazing. It felt so good to just relax and talk through a conflict, even

though I really was mad and had a reason to be mad. The book " Safe People "

talks about how conflict is part of life and part of being in relationships. In

my FOO, any conflict meant raging raging crying drama drama and insanity, and

was never pleasant. I haven't handled conflict well until now.

I've posted on here that I'm dealing with a BP at work, which I see as part of

my path, I see myself growing through the extreme difficulty of this person.

Today I held a meeting, a thing I am in charge of, we had a meeting, and the BP

was in attendance. I couldn't believe it, she allowed me to run the meeting. I

did a great job. I really did a great job. It was also the first time I ever

held a meeting of this kind with this many people there. I really did a great

job. But, also, I kept the BP in check. Instead of letting her make me angry

and reacting to her, I maintained boundaries. She started going on and on in

the meeting about a movie she saw over 20 years ago and how someone threw

popcorn in the air, and I interrupted her and said firmly and assertively " Well,

let's stay on topic here. Moving along.... " and kept the meeting going. At

another time, she interrupted someone who I know was nervous around here, and I

stepped in and said " Let's reserve comments for later. Let this person finish

what they are saying first. " and she backed off and was quiet. Towards the end

of the meeting she started going on about something irrelevant again, and I cut

her off, and said " in the interest of finishing on time, I have to cut you off.

" and I moved the meeting on.

I can't believe I handled a conflict without overdoing my emotional reaction

this week, and that I handled a BP without letting that BP overrun my mind. I

have had quite a week. I wonder if I could eventually visit the FOO and run

them like I ran this meeting today.

Anyway, I apologize to anyone on here with whom I have had strong emotional

reactions, and I admit my own weakness, that this is an issue I am actively

working on. The book " Safe People " made me see that weakness is actually

strength. I learned from that book that admitting one's weaknesses is the path

to growth and to handling conflict. The book isn't saying be passive, but

rather be strong and calm.

Thanks for the book recommendation and all the growth and support

[Guest guest]

Thanks for re-recommending " Safe People " , I've been wanting to read that one

too. And, I don't recall you coming on like gangbusters. But then I tend to be

strongly opinionated myself, so, your " too strong " might just seem " mild " to me.

-Annie

>

> I want to apologize for any time that I have come on too strong to people on

this board, whenever there has been a conflict or difference of perspective.

>

> I recently learned a profound lesson. I have a tendency to handle conflict

by being really strong... and recently I read the book Safe People, which has

been recommended to me several times on here, but I finally got around to it.

The book discusses who we can share our innermost selves and personal struggles

with. and that it is important to have people whom one can trust with one's

struggles.

>

> I had a conflict recently, and I went to a friend who is a " Safe person " and I

told her, this is my struggle, i usually get angry and can't contain my

reaction, and I need your help. She went with me to discuss the conflict with

the other party, and she mediated, and it felt so good to handle a conflict and

to be angry without it overpowering me. I realized that I had perhaps learned

from nada (she was my role model my entire youth) to go into a conflict with

guns blazing. It felt so good to just relax and talk through a conflict, even

though I really was mad and had a reason to be mad. The book " Safe People "

talks about how conflict is part of life and part of being in relationships. In

my FOO, any conflict meant raging raging crying drama drama and insanity, and

was never pleasant. I haven't handled conflict well until now.

>

> I've posted on here that I'm dealing with a BP at work, which I see as part of

my path, I see myself growing through the extreme difficulty of this person.

Today I held a meeting, a thing I am in charge of, we had a meeting, and the BP

was in attendance. I couldn't believe it, she allowed me to run the meeting. I

did a great job. I really did a great job. It was also the first time I ever

held a meeting of this kind with this many people there. I really did a great

job. But, also, I kept the BP in check. Instead of letting her make me angry

and reacting to her, I maintained boundaries. She started going on and on in

the meeting about a movie she saw over 20 years ago and how someone threw

popcorn in the air, and I interrupted her and said firmly and assertively " Well,

let's stay on topic here. Moving along.... " and kept the meeting going. At

another time, she interrupted someone who I know was nervous around here, and I

stepped in and said " Let's reserve comments for later. Let this person finish

what they are saying first. " and she backed off and was quiet. Towards the end

of the meeting she started going on about something irrelevant again, and I cut

her off, and said " in the interest of finishing on time, I have to cut you off.

" and I moved the meeting on.

>

> I can't believe I handled a conflict without overdoing my emotional reaction

this week, and that I handled a BP without letting that BP overrun my mind. I

have had quite a week. I wonder if I could eventually visit the FOO and run

them like I ran this meeting today.

>

> Anyway, I apologize to anyone on here with whom I have had strong emotional

reactions, and I admit my own weakness, that this is an issue I am actively

working on. The book " Safe People " made me see that weakness is actually

strength. I learned from that book that admitting one's weaknesses is the path

to growth and to handling conflict. The book isn't saying be passive, but

rather be strong and calm.

>

> Thanks for the book recommendation and all the growth and support

>

[Guest guest]

Kudos to you! Great job!

Joy

>

> I want to apologize for any time that I have come on too strong to people on

this board, whenever there has been a conflict or difference of perspective.

>

> I recently learned a profound lesson. I have a tendency to handle conflict

by being really strong... and recently I read the book Safe People, which has

been recommended to me several times on here, but I finally got around to it.

The book discusses who we can share our innermost selves and personal struggles

with. and that it is important to have people whom one can trust with one's

struggles.

>

> I had a conflict recently, and I went to a friend who is a " Safe person " and I

told her, this is my struggle, i usually get angry and can't contain my

reaction, and I need your help. She went with me to discuss the conflict with

the other party, and she mediated, and it felt so good to handle a conflict and

to be angry without it overpowering me. I realized that I had perhaps learned

from nada (she was my role model my entire youth) to go into a conflict with

guns blazing. It felt so good to just relax and talk through a conflict, even

though I really was mad and had a reason to be mad. The book " Safe People "

talks about how conflict is part of life and part of being in relationships. In

my FOO, any conflict meant raging raging crying drama drama and insanity, and

was never pleasant. I haven't handled conflict well until now.

>

> I've posted on here that I'm dealing with a BP at work, which I see as part of

my path, I see myself growing through the extreme difficulty of this person.

Today I held a meeting, a thing I am in charge of, we had a meeting, and the BP

was in attendance. I couldn't believe it, she allowed me to run the meeting. I

did a great job. I really did a great job. It was also the first time I ever

held a meeting of this kind with this many people there. I really did a great

job. But, also, I kept the BP in check. Instead of letting her make me angry

and reacting to her, I maintained boundaries. She started going on and on in

the meeting about a movie she saw over 20 years ago and how someone threw

popcorn in the air, and I interrupted her and said firmly and assertively " Well,

let's stay on topic here. Moving along.... " and kept the meeting going. At

another time, she interrupted someone who I know was nervous around here, and I

stepped in and said " Let's reserve comments for later. Let this person finish

what they are saying first. " and she backed off and was quiet. Towards the end

of the meeting she started going on about something irrelevant again, and I cut

her off, and said " in the interest of finishing on time, I have to cut you off.

" and I moved the meeting on.

>

> I can't believe I handled a conflict without overdoing my emotional reaction

this week, and that I handled a BP without letting that BP overrun my mind. I

have had quite a week. I wonder if I could eventually visit the FOO and run

them like I ran this meeting today.

>

> Anyway, I apologize to anyone on here with whom I have had strong emotional

reactions, and I admit my own weakness, that this is an issue I am actively

working on. The book " Safe People " made me see that weakness is actually

strength. I learned from that book that admitting one's weaknesses is the path

to growth and to handling conflict. The book isn't saying be passive, but

rather be strong and calm.

>

> Thanks for the book recommendation and all the growth and support

>

[Guest guest]

Congratulations to you on all this. It really is a sign of maturity (and, I

think, TOUGHNESS) to be able to realize all this and work it out at all,

especially if you have to do it all on your own for some reason and not in

therapy. Our nadas could never do this and that is why we are stuck with the

issues.

I don't think I could ever run a meeting with somebody who intimidated me as

well as you did. Way to go.

As far as handling the FOO as well...I think that would be much harder. For

obvious reasons...the people at work haven't known you all your life and raised

you! But the other thought is...why would you want to? At least in my FOO,

people never change. And the thing about having to go back to them constantly

and deal with their behavior, is you are doing it over and over and over and

over. The relationship just stays you dealing with their crap, because they

never change.

Maybe your FOO is different. Some people really can change. If that is your

FOO, that would be extremely fortunate for you.

--LL.

[Guest guest]

Thanks, Roganda,

I really appreciate your understanding of my weakness. I think it has to do

with handling conflict, and maintaining boundaries before I feel like strong

emotion is overtaking me.

I am learning, and will continue to work on this.

You asked me a great question: why do I think about going back to visit the foo?

I guess I have this idea in my head that the graduation from being a KO would be

if I could go back and somehow maintain boundaries with nada and rescue the

children and talk with the FOO people that I miss.... but your right, this may

be from the realm of fantasy. If I could do this, it would only be for a short

while. You're right, I can handle the meeting at work because it was a limited

amount of time, and we had a clear objective that I was directing people

towards, and the BP doesn't know me well enough to get all entangled in my own

mind and mess it around; which I am sure nada could!

I guess it's sad, that I can never have emotional closeness/intimacy with the

FOO. That it's safest for me to stay away.

The sad part of choosing the path of healing instead of continuously continuing

the unconscious FOO dynamics, is that I am not close to my FOO, and that's sad

because these are the people that knew me growing up, these are the people who

know my likes and dislikes. I would say nada knows my inner emotional world

quite well. Ironically, I think the crazy boundary-violating closeness of all

those years with the FOO somehow used up the quota on closeness.

I really miss other people in the FOO, mostly I miss what they would have meant

to me if they filled who they are to me in a meaningful way. If my sibling were

a true sibling to me. If my fada were a father and not a dishrag. If my aunt

would behave like a kind and caring aunt instead of an extension of nada's

manipulative arms that I have to dodge as if in a wartime battle. It makes me

sad whenever anyone talks about having a close relationship with their sibling,

with their father... all those things they share with those people, those

relationships they can take for granted...

It really makes me grieve when they take those relationships for granted. And

it's all around me. Everyday, someone goes and does something exciting with

their brother or sister. Everyday, someone goes and has their father protect

them and care for them. They go shopping with an aunt who buys them nice things

and cares for them. You know what I mean. And, even when I find people who

can sort of fill that for me, I'm never as important to them as their own family

is to them. I want so much from other people, I have such needs, but other

people are so human and imperfect, and really unable to provide me with what I

need. I have to take care of all these needs on my own, so hard and

overwhelmingly difficult at times.

I know this sounds strange, but that is how I feel. I am sad that I can't once

and for all heal myself and then go back to the FOO to deal with them. there is

this attitude among my friends, like if I would work on myself just a little

more, then I could go back to the FOO and tolerate their shortcomings. So many

self help books about BPDs are about this too; like just maintain boundaries

with the BP and all will be okay. If only it would be that easy.

I'm sad,

Thanks for understanding,

Walkingto Happiness.

>

> Congratulations to you on all this. It really is a sign of maturity (and, I

think, TOUGHNESS) to be able to realize all this and work it out at all,

especially if you have to do it all on your own for some reason and not in

therapy. Our nadas could never do this and that is why we are stuck with the

issues.

>

> I don't think I could ever run a meeting with somebody who intimidated me as

well as you did. Way to go.

>

> As far as handling the FOO as well...I think that would be much harder. For

obvious reasons...the people at work haven't known you all your life and raised

you! But the other thought is...why would you want to? At least in my FOO,

people never change. And the thing about having to go back to them constantly

and deal with their behavior, is you are doing it over and over and over and

over. The relationship just stays you dealing with their crap, because they

never change.

>

> Maybe your FOO is different. Some people really can change. If that is your

FOO, that would be extremely fortunate for you.

>

> --LL.

>

[Guest guest]

One more thought: instead of hoping to be around the FOO and maintain boundaries

etc, I can think of this victory at work as the strengthing of my own boundaries

and mind. I have always attracted and tolerated people who are abusive or have

bad intentions towards me, and now, the victory is, having been able to hold a

boundary. It means I am stronger. It means something for my own healing.

Maybe that is the end goal, instead of an end goal of visiting and reconciling

with the FOO.

Thanks for helping me sort that out.

WTH

[Guest guest]

Walking,

I'm gonna go get the book tomorrow. haha.

Sounds great. sounds helpful.

Apparently you are learning a new 'habit'

which is good and supportive to you and others.

Maybe it will help me too.

babyfoggy ...now freefroggynow

>

> I want to apologize for any time that I have come on too strong to people on

this board, whenever there has been a conflict or difference of perspective.

>

> I recently learned a profound lesson. I have a tendency to handle conflict

by being really strong... and recently I read the book Safe People, which has

been recommended to me several times on here, but I finally got around to it.

The book discusses who we can share our innermost selves and personal struggles

with. and that it is important to have people whom one can trust with one's

struggles.

>

> I had a conflict recently, and I went to a friend who is a " Safe person " and I

told her, this is my struggle, i usually get angry and can't contain my

reaction, and I need your help. She went with me to discuss the conflict with

the other party, and she mediated, and it felt so good to handle a conflict and

to be angry without it overpowering me. I realized that I had perhaps learned

from nada (she was my role model my entire youth) to go into a conflict with

guns blazing. It felt so good to just relax and talk through a conflict, even

though I really was mad and had a reason to be mad. The book " Safe People "

talks about how conflict is part of life and part of being in relationships. In

my FOO, any conflict meant raging raging crying drama drama and insanity, and

was never pleasant. I haven't handled conflict well until now.

>

> I've posted on here that I'm dealing with a BP at work, which I see as part of

my path, I see myself growing through the extreme difficulty of this person.

Today I held a meeting, a thing I am in charge of, we had a meeting, and the BP

was in attendance. I couldn't believe it, she allowed me to run the meeting. I

did a great job. I really did a great job. It was also the first time I ever

held a meeting of this kind with this many people there. I really did a great

job. But, also, I kept the BP in check. Instead of letting her make me angry

and reacting to her, I maintained boundaries. She started going on and on in

the meeting about a movie she saw over 20 years ago and how someone threw

popcorn in the air, and I interrupted her and said firmly and assertively " Well,

let's stay on topic here. Moving along.... " and kept the meeting going. At

another time, she interrupted someone who I know was nervous around here, and I

stepped in and said " Let's reserve comments for later. Let this person finish

what they are saying first. " and she backed off and was quiet. Towards the end

of the meeting she started going on about something irrelevant again, and I cut

her off, and said " in the interest of finishing on time, I have to cut you off.

" and I moved the meeting on.

>

> I can't believe I handled a conflict without overdoing my emotional reaction

this week, and that I handled a BP without letting that BP overrun my mind. I

have had quite a week. I wonder if I could eventually visit the FOO and run

them like I ran this meeting today.

>

> Anyway, I apologize to anyone on here with whom I have had strong emotional

reactions, and I admit my own weakness, that this is an issue I am actively

working on. The book " Safe People " made me see that weakness is actually

strength. I learned from that book that admitting one's weaknesses is the path

to growth and to handling conflict. The book isn't saying be passive, but

rather be strong and calm.

>

> Thanks for the book recommendation and all the growth and support

>