hi, i'm new and struggling

[Guest guest]

I am 45, and finally seperated permaently from my Nada and Naba for the last

time 3 1/2 years ago, but the healing is still not where I need it to be. I go

between rage and utter dispair. I lost myself, and am having a great deal of

trouble finding me again. I've had two recent incidences of sever bullying from

total strangers that has set me back from what porgress I did make. Can anyone

please tell me that I will get better? I am so lost. Thanks for reading.

[Guest guest]

Healing from long-term abuse takes time. You will get better if

you work at it. Don't be discouraged by setbacks. Setbacks are

part of the process of making progress. Try to learn from the

setbacks. If you're being bullied by strangers it may help to

spend some time imagining better ways to respond to similar

situations. Do it when you're relaxed and feeling safe. Things

often work out better if you have a plan in your head for

dealing with it rather than having to come up with one while

you're in a stressful situation. You've most likely developed

patterns in how you react to various things from years of

experience with your nada. Identifying the patterns that aren't

helpful behavior is the first step towards switching to better

ways of dealing with things. Nadas commonly bully their children

so your response to being bullied by strangers was probably

shaped by your past experience with your nada. The mental

connection can make it hard to react appropriately.

At 05:39 AM 03/27/2011 sovrylost wrote:

>I am 45, and finally seperated permaently from my Nada and Naba

>for the last time 3 1/2 years ago, but the healing is still not

>where I need it to be. I go between rage and utter dispair. I

>lost myself, and am having a great deal of trouble finding me

>again. I've had two recent incidences of sever bullying from

>total strangers that has set me back from what porgress I did

>make. Can anyone please tell me that I will get better? I am so

>lost. Thanks for reading.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Welcome to the Group, Sovrylost,

I can sense the pain in your post, I'm so sorry your journey toward healing and

peace has stalled for the time being, that can be very frustrating.

I'm not sure I can offer you much more than my empathy and wishes for you to

find a way that works for you. Do you feel comfortable sharing whether you've

tried therapy, or prayer, or meditation? If you don't feel like sharing that,

its OK; not a problem.

(Oh, and just so I'm clear on who you are referring to, is " Naba " your father or

your brother? Or-? )

Do you think that perhaps you are stuck in grieving for your family of origin?

Or, could it be that that you're in a kind of emotional stasis, unable to move

forward because you're hoping that your *family members* will change, gain

awareness of their toxic, negative behaviors, feel remorse, and initiate contact

with you?

Part of coming to terms with having a personality-disordered parent or parents

is the very difficult step of accepting that its not very likely that they will

choose to change themselves. We didn't cause our parents to be mentally ill,

and we can't cure them, all we have the power to do is change the way we respond

to their treatment of us.

You have physically protected yourself from your family of origin (foo) by going

No Contact, but, perhaps you are still clinging to the hope that they are going

to change, because of it? They might, but, in my opinion its not very likely.

Its really, really hard to accept that; I understand. And it does generate real

grief and mourning in us, really a lot like grieving a death, and that takes

time to pass.

Have you started exploring different interests and activities to find out what

appeals to you, what you feel enthusiastic about, etc.? Discovering that you

really enjoy photography, or hiking, or interior design, or writing romance

novels, or helping kids learn to read...

learning about what you like (and don't like) can help you with the

discovering-who-you-are part of the process.

I hope that helps.

-Annie

>

> I am 45, and finally seperated permaently from my Nada and Naba for the last

time 3 1/2 years ago, but the healing is still not where I need it to be. I go

between rage and utter dispair. I lost myself, and am having a great deal of

trouble finding me again. I've had two recent incidences of sever bullying from

total strangers that has set me back from what porgress I did make. Can anyone

please tell me that I will get better? I am so lost. Thanks for reading.

>

[Guest guest]

Again welcome to the group Sovrylost,

I also have just been on a journey struggling with something similar and I

am sorry that you have to go through this. I am currently in University

right now (I'm 19) and, after a lot of thought and contemplation, I have had

to put a protective order on my mother who I believe has BPD (because of

different information that I have been reading online and talking about with

my psychiatrist). I have been struggling with the decision for almost a year

now, but I felt like I had to do it for my sanity.Though she was a lovely

person, she has abused me for a long time and I am finally having to come to

terms with it, not let it happen again, and trying to move on with my life

and heal. A lot of the symptoms of emotional effects of someone that has a

parent with BPD are now showing up in me and it is scary. But I want you to

know that there is hope. I believe with all of my heart that we can get

through this.......

I can imagine that the process is hard right now, but I have found some ways

to sort of ease the pain that I would like to share with you.

1. Do you have someone you can really trust and feel comfortable talking

with? If so, don't be afraid to talk to them. At first, I was afraid to talk

to my friends about this because I felt like they would leave me and I would

be so much of a burden, but they have been so helpful to me in many ways,

shapes, and forms. You don't have to be scared of saying what is worrying

you or feeling sad, angry, etc. Those feelings are natural. If no one

immediately comes to mind, there is probably a good therapist in the area

and there are many places that offer help at low costs. Personally,

professional therapy has been the best help for me. Also, if there is a

group therapy that is available, try and get into it. It has made me see

that I am in fact not going out of my head; in group therapy sessions, they

also talk about skills that you can use to help get through your day and

regulate your emotions. Also, there is a book called " Stop Walking on

Eggshells " that I just found out about and am going to fill out with

my psychiatrist . It is a workbook for people that have a loved one with BPD

and it helps deal with thoughts that you may be having.

2. Are you getting enough sleep at night and eating? Sleep has also been

really helpful for me during this time. It has made me be able to face every

day a little bit better and think things through. At first, I had to go on

sleeping pills because I was only getting 4-5 hours of sleep a night, but

then slowly, my body just naturally wanted sleep. Eating a good mix of foods

also has made me able to face the day a bit better as well.

3. Does your employer know what is going on? If not, it might be best if

they knew about it and help you find avenues for help and some sympathy with

your employer. I had to take about a week off of school to figure out some

things; its hard for me to continue in school, but I am somehow finding the

strength in doing it. I called my dean and all of my professors at least

have an inkling of what is going on and are supportive of what I am doing.

4. Do you have any support through a religious organization? Have you tried

meditation/prayer? Some of the ones on youtube are actually really good.

Type in Meditations for relaxation. Also, this website was good :

http://www.learningmeditation.com/

5. Treat yourself to something that you want to do once in a while. Read a

book that you have always wanted to or watch a funny movie or maybe take a

short, inexpensive weekend trip somewhere. The possibilities are endless.

6. Know that you are loved and beautiful and you will get through this.

<3

2011/3/27 anuria67854

>

>

> Welcome to the Group, Sovrylost,

>

> I can sense the pain in your post, I'm so sorry your journey toward healing

> and peace has stalled for the time being, that can be very frustrating.

>

> I'm not sure I can offer you much more than my empathy and wishes for you

> to find a way that works for you. Do you feel comfortable sharing whether

> you've tried therapy, or prayer, or meditation? If you don't feel like

> sharing that, its OK; not a problem.

>

> (Oh, and just so I'm clear on who you are referring to, is " Naba " your

> father or your brother? Or-? )

>

> Do you think that perhaps you are stuck in grieving for your family of

> origin?

>

> Or, could it be that that you're in a kind of emotional stasis, unable to

> move forward because you're hoping that your *family members* will change,

> gain awareness of their toxic, negative behaviors, feel remorse, and

> initiate contact with you?

>

> Part of coming to terms with having a personality-disordered parent or

> parents is the very difficult step of accepting that its not very likely

> that they will choose to change themselves. We didn't cause our parents to

> be mentally ill, and we can't cure them, all we have the power to do is

> change the way we respond to their treatment of us.

>

> You have physically protected yourself from your family of origin (foo) by

> going No Contact, but, perhaps you are still clinging to the hope that they

> are going to change, because of it? They might, but, in my opinion its not

> very likely. Its really, really hard to accept that; I understand. And it

> does generate real grief and mourning in us, really a lot like grieving a

> death, and that takes time to pass.

>

> Have you started exploring different interests and activities to find out

> what appeals to you, what you feel enthusiastic about, etc.? Discovering

> that you really enjoy photography, or hiking, or interior design, or writing

> romance novels, or helping kids learn to read...

> learning about what you like (and don't like) can help you with the

> discovering-who-you-are part of the process.

>

> I hope that helps.

>

> -Annie

>

>

>

> >

> > I am 45, and finally seperated permaently from my Nada and Naba for the

> last time 3 1/2 years ago, but the healing is still not where I need it to

> be. I go between rage and utter dispair. I lost myself, and am having a

> great deal of trouble finding me again. I've had two recent incidences of

> sever bullying from total strangers that has set me back from what porgress

> I did make. Can anyone please tell me that I will get better? I am so lost.

> Thanks for reading.

> >

>

>

>

--

" Tough times don't last; tough people do "

L. Moncada CPhT

University of Virginia Class of 2011

B.S. Biology

Volunteer Chair AMSA

Secretary Rush Society UVA Chapter

[Guest guest]

Do you have a T? I've come further in the last 9 months with my T than I did

in the 7.25 years I spent NC without a good solid T.

I too struggled a lot with bullying and here's the steps I went through to

learn to deal better with it.

1) First I had to learn that I was fully human. Because of my Foo's abuse I

saw myself as deformed, disfigured and less than a whole person. To see

myself as whole meant I didn't have to take it. Believe it or not I took a

lot of photos of myself and looked at them thinking wow that's a real

person, and thats me. Then I chose my fav photo and I imagine it in my mind

instead of the disfigured person.

2) Safe people issue - I had to learn that some people are safe. Most people

arent. And then I learned to expect unsafe people to attack and to deam

their opinion unimportant.

3) Voice. i had to learn not to hold back or hold in my thoughts and

opinions. I'm working on it. I still feel like I'll get arrested if I say

what I think, even if its something as mild as " excuse you, you just stepped

on me. "

4) Books that help - Safe People and The Gift of Fear.

Hugs and good luck.

On Sun, Mar 27, 2011 at 10:27 AM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

>

> Welcome to the Group, Sovrylost,

>

> I can sense the pain in your post, I'm so sorry your journey toward healing

> and peace has stalled for the time being, that can be very frustrating.

>

> I'm not sure I can offer you much more than my empathy and wishes for you

> to find a way that works for you. Do you feel comfortable sharing whether

> you've tried therapy, or prayer, or meditation? If you don't feel like

> sharing that, its OK; not a problem.

>

> (Oh, and just so I'm clear on who you are referring to, is " Naba " your

> father or your brother? Or-? )

>

> Do you think that perhaps you are stuck in grieving for your family of

> origin?

>

> Or, could it be that that you're in a kind of emotional stasis, unable to

> move forward because you're hoping that your *family members* will change,

> gain awareness of their toxic, negative behaviors, feel remorse, and

> initiate contact with you?

>

> Part of coming to terms with having a personality-disordered parent or

> parents is the very difficult step of accepting that its not very likely

> that they will choose to change themselves. We didn't cause our parents to

> be mentally ill, and we can't cure them, all we have the power to do is

> change the way we respond to their treatment of us.

>

> You have physically protected yourself from your family of origin (foo) by

> going No Contact, but, perhaps you are still clinging to the hope that they

> are going to change, because of it? They might, but, in my opinion its not

> very likely. Its really, really hard to accept that; I understand. And it

> does generate real grief and mourning in us, really a lot like grieving a

> death, and that takes time to pass.

>

> Have you started exploring different interests and activities to find out

> what appeals to you, what you feel enthusiastic about, etc.? Discovering

> that you really enjoy photography, or hiking, or interior design, or writing

> romance novels, or helping kids learn to read...

> learning about what you like (and don't like) can help you with the

> discovering-who-you-are part of the process.

>

> I hope that helps.

>

> -Annie

>

>

>

> >

> > I am 45, and finally seperated permaently from my Nada and Naba for the

> last time 3 1/2 years ago, but the healing is still not where I need it to

> be. I go between rage and utter dispair. I lost myself, and am having a

> great deal of trouble finding me again. I've had two recent incidences of

> sever bullying from total strangers that has set me back from what porgress

> I did make. Can anyone please tell me that I will get better? I am so lost.

> Thanks for reading.

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I'm so sorry for your struggles! It's a long, often frustrating road! I used

to get bullied by people too, still periodically get bullied by my nada. I used

my encounters with other people to practice more appropriate social skills. I

figured out along the way that I was WAY more adept at handling people in

general than I am at handling my nada. So years of practice dealing with other

people ultimately made me more able to deal with nada, and the emotions that

nada stirs up in me.

And I also agree that a solid T is an invaluable thing. Absolutely necessary,

especially during the periods of despair and frustration.

((Hugs))