Compound Issue Resulting in Invalidation (kinda long)

[Guest guest]

Hi all!

I don't post on here very often, but I read all the time, and there's a lot of

understanding people who just know the right thing to say, so here goes.

Some background: I'm the oldest child of a nada who also had a nada (grannada),

who " raised " me, and I don't speak to either of them. My three siblings and I

used to be close, but I drifted away from them (I think I convinced myself I

couldn't have a relationship with them and not with nada and grannada). I don't

have alot of people I talk to or hang out with. I live with my two " best "

friends (more on that later) and my infinitely supportive SO who has been

listening to me all morning.

So, my aunt (nada's younger sister) has leukemia. She has 7 cats, whom I had

offered (and tried my best) to take care of while she's been sick. I don't have

a car, SO has 18 hour days during the week, and, long story short, I haven't

been over to her house in a week. So, my cousin (who's over there every couple

days) called me this morning to baically chew me a new one about the litter

boxes. After, explaining to her what's going on with me, I asked her why she

hasn't been cleaning the litter boxes. At that point,my sick aunt gets on the

phone to tell me about how she almost died last week and how the only thing

keeping her going was thoughts of her cats, and how she's upset because she took

care of my cats for four months last year. I told her that I appreciated all of

that, that I screwed up and shouldn't've over-estimated myself, and that I

didn't offer to take care of her cats out of any kind of guilt or obligation,

but I was still sorry. She hung up on me, and had my cousin call me back to get

the keys back.

At the same time, my two friends (married) moved in with us about a month ago,

and I'm coming to suspect that my friends think of me as sort of a project. The

wife seems to think all the bills need to be paid through her, which I object to

partially because I'm a control freak, partially because the system for the two

bills in question is already set up, but mostly (and this may be silly) I feel

that her acting as though her desire for control is more important or valid than

mine is rude and disrespectful. The husband has seen fit to offer both me and my

SO unsolicited financial advice about a)our spending habits (we like to go to

restaurants, our student loans and c)our animals. We aren't wealthy or

anything, but we're not living paycheck to paycheck. I think I'm mostly offended

because these two don't seem to be supportive anymore and, well, frankly, SO and

I are older and have been on our own for longer and I feel that they're

discounting and ignoring my life expreiences. They don't address any emotional

issues I bring up or respond to the " I feel... " statements.

These two situations have me feeling like I'm the one who's crazy, because with

nada and grannada it was always " everybody else " , and I feel like that's what

I'm doing. I spent most of the day crying to SO, and even though he's brilliant

and supportive, I can't convince myself he's not biased, you know? I guess I'm

just looking for feedback? Maybe reassurance that I'm not crazy (unless I am, in

which case please tell me).

Thanks in advance, guys.

[Guest guest]

You're not crazy.

I think Symptom #1 of having grown up with a BPD parent (or BPD grandparent!) is

believing oneself to be crazy when, in fact, one is probably the ONLY relatively

sane person in the situation. But we were brought up not to trust in our own

sanity, brought up to question everything we thought or said or did, brought up

to believe that others were right and we were always wrong.

Your friends do sound rather intrusive and invasive, but also (as you point out)

they seem to think they're doing you and the SO a favor. This happens all the

time to children of BPDs: We complain a lot about our histories, so others see

us as " charity cases " (or basket cases!) and try to " fix " us. They usually mean

well, but due to our histories (again), we hate our space being invaded.

Feeling invalidated is Symptom #2. ... We were led to believe, so many times,

that our opinions were insignificant, that we basically didn't exist. Thus as

adults we are hypersensitive to intrusion. In my case, unfortunately, I've

always been (and still am) so passive that I let people walk all over me -- that

is, if I let them near me, which generally I don't.

If your friends won't listen to your attempts at sorting out the boundary

issues, maybe you could write out your thoughts in a letter or email to them ...

and counting to ten, breathing, re-reading, making sure that it offers thanks

but states your case, and cooling down before you hit " send " ?

[Guest guest]

Oh geez I'm sorry. I would give the keys back gladly and not respond to any

hoover manuevers or guilt trips.

And I too would hate to feel like somone's project. Even my T doesn't make

me feel that way! I think you'd be best off to go back to being friends

(maybe) and def not roommates.

Have you read Safe People? Sounds like you might be investing emotionally in

some unsafe people.

>

>

> You're not crazy.

>

> I think Symptom #1 of having grown up with a BPD parent (or BPD

> grandparent!) is believing oneself to be crazy when, in fact, one is

> probably the ONLY relatively sane person in the situation. But we were

> brought up not to trust in our own sanity, brought up to question everything

> we thought or said or did, brought up to believe that others were right and

> we were always wrong.

>

> Your friends do sound rather intrusive and invasive, but also (as you point

> out) they seem to think they're doing you and the SO a favor. This happens

> all the time to children of BPDs: We complain a lot about our histories, so

> others see us as " charity cases " (or basket cases!) and try to " fix " us.

> They usually mean well, but due to our histories (again), we hate our space

> being invaded.

>

> Feeling invalidated is Symptom #2. ... We were led to believe, so many

> times, that our opinions were insignificant, that we basically didn't exist.

> Thus as adults we are hypersensitive to intrusion. In my case,

> unfortunately, I've always been (and still am) so passive that I let people

> walk all over me -- that is, if I let them near me, which generally I don't.

>

> If your friends won't listen to your attempts at sorting out the boundary

> issues, maybe you could write out your thoughts in a letter or email to them

> ... and counting to ten, breathing, re-reading, making sure that it offers

> thanks but states your case, and cooling down before you hit " send " ?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks, guys. I needed to hear that. I really appreciate the support and I love

this place for it.

I did give the keys back. I'm not going to let people treat me like that (well,

more than once). As far as my friends go, I can't stop being roomies with them

at this point because we signed a lease and we don't make enough money to move

out right now. My plan is to sit down with them each and explain my position to

them and hopefully we'll be able to come to a resolution. They do love me, and I

love them, so, hopefully we can work through this like adults.

If not, I guess SO and I will just continue doing what we do until the lease is

up. I've suffered through worse (BPD FOO), so this should be doable, I think.

I'm looking up Safe People as soon as I'm finished typing this, FYI.

Thanks so much!

>

> >

> >

> > You're not crazy.

> >

> > I think Symptom #1 of having grown up with a BPD parent (or BPD

> > grandparent!) is believing oneself to be crazy when, in fact, one is

> > probably the ONLY relatively sane person in the situation. But we were

> > brought up not to trust in our own sanity, brought up to question everything

> > we thought or said or did, brought up to believe that others were right and

> > we were always wrong.

> >

> > Your friends do sound rather intrusive and invasive, but also (as you point

> > out) they seem to think they're doing you and the SO a favor. This happens

> > all the time to children of BPDs: We complain a lot about our histories, so

> > others see us as " charity cases " (or basket cases!) and try to " fix " us.

> > They usually mean well, but due to our histories (again), we hate our space

> > being invaded.

> >

> > Feeling invalidated is Symptom #2. ... We were led to believe, so many

> > times, that our opinions were insignificant, that we basically didn't exist.

> > Thus as adults we are hypersensitive to intrusion. In my case,

> > unfortunately, I've always been (and still am) so passive that I let people

> > walk all over me -- that is, if I let them near me, which generally I don't.

> >

> > If your friends won't listen to your attempts at sorting out the boundary

> > issues, maybe you could write out your thoughts in a letter or email to them

> > ... and counting to ten, breathing, re-reading, making sure that it offers

> > thanks but states your case, and cooling down before you hit " send " ?

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>