Guest guest Posted March 28, 2011 Report Share Posted March 28, 2011 I KNOW (or should!) that I can't expect normal reactions from my nada when I give her good news. I KNOW that if she can tell how happy or excited I am it won't be long until she tries to bring me back down. It's no wonder why my " default " state of mind is usually depressed. Mainly I've been very detached from my mother the last few years. It's the only way I can deal with her. She's noticed, and cries about it to me sometimes, saying how it's her fault I'm detatched because she was a bad mother. (I just say nothing to this...) But I just got a horse, and I'm soooo happy about it. I owned horses my whole life as a kid, but this is my first horse as an adult. It's been over a decade. My mother likes horses as well (thus why we had them when I was a kid) and it's not like I could exactly HIDE the fact I got a horse from her, and so I called her and told her I was getting it. She even said " You sounds so happy! " . At first she acts like she's HAPPY I'm happy. Yesterday I called her while we were towing the horse back to my house and asked if she wanted to stop by and see him the next day (today). She said yes, but that she wasn't sure what time. When she did stop by it was after my and my boyfriend had just worked on cutting down a huge tree that fell on our fence and broke it and so my boyfriend had just taken his pants off because they were all muddy. He was cooking some lunch in his underwear, so when she knocked on the door I told her not to come in yet, because he wasn't dressed. I went outside and she was all moping in the car. I opened her door and asked if she wanted to see my new horse. She said " I already did " (from very far away) and shut the door in my face. So I got in and tried to chat with her, but she starting moaning about how she was an " outcast " because she wasn't invited into my house. I said she was welcome to come in, but my bf just had to get dressed first! She says no, she doesn't want to come in, she's tired, she can tell when she's not wanted. Then she told me the horse looked like a horse we had when I was small that fell on my dad and broke his ribs, so she would be too scared of him. She also bitched at me that I paid too much for him because I didn't try to bargain with the owner. And complained again about some unrelated shit that she likes to blame me for all the time. I was like, are you sure you don't want to come in? She says no, get out of my car, I'm going home. So I did. But I was left with this huge disappointment in my gut. I mean, I really wasn't expecting anything else from her I guess. I even told my bf yesterday that she can't stand to see me happy too long and would try to upset me as soon as she got a chance since I was so excited about the horse. But my nada is the ONLY horse person I even know in this state. None of my friends know how to ride horses or have any or anything like that. Some part of me still wished I could share my excitement with her, have her be excited as well. Why do I keep getting disappointed that I really have no mother when I've known this for 20 years?! I can never seem to fully detach from her. I still feel sad that she didn't even want to come look at him. I thought that was why she was stopping by! And I hate how I can't just turn off my emotions around her. Why should this make me sad? Why can't I stay happy thinking about my new beautiful horse? I hate how she makes me feel. I hate that I don't have the strength to cut her off totally. I hate how I still wish I had a " real " mother who I could tell good and bad news to and have support and not have everything turned around to be all about her. I hate that I still love her and wish she could be that mother, even though I know she can't. Casey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 28, 2011 Report Share Posted March 28, 2011 It's a very tough place to be in knowing you dont have a mother. I'm not sure I even admitted I had no mother until after she died. I just know that if my mother was alive and I knew what I know now, I'd have handled things much differently. Honestly, I think letting her know she is hurting you (and it does hurt) fuels them more. I think they thrive off of the fact that they're getting emotion out of someone else because of their behavior. As bizarre as it sounds, it gives them some sort of emotional payoff to know that they are hurting you. A mother doing this to their child is pretty reprehensible, but unfortunately, it's how bpd symptoms are. I swear I never learn... I KNOW (or should!) that I can't expect normal reactions from my nada when I give her good news. I KNOW that if she can tell how happy or excited I am it won't be long until she tries to bring me back down. It's no wonder why my " default " state of mind is usually depressed. Mainly I've been very detached from my mother the last few years. It's the only way I can deal with her. She's noticed, and cries about it to me sometimes, saying how it's her fault I'm detatched because she was a bad mother. (I just say nothing to this...) But I just got a horse, and I'm soooo happy about it. I owned horses my whole life as a kid, but this is my first horse as an adult. It's been over a decade. My mother likes horses as well (thus why we had them when I was a kid) and it's not like I could exactly HIDE the fact I got a horse from her, and so I called her and told her I was getting it. She even said " You sounds so happy! " . At first she acts like she's HAPPY I'm happy. Yesterday I called her while we were towing the horse back to my house and asked if she wanted to stop by and see him the next day (today). She said yes, but that she wasn't sure what time. When she did stop by it was after my and my boyfriend had just worked on cutting down a huge tree that fell on our fence and broke it and so my boyfriend had just taken his pants off because they were all muddy. He was cooking some lunch in his underwear, so when she knocked on the door I told her not to come in yet, because he wasn't dressed. I went outside and she was all moping in the car. I opened her door and asked if she wanted to see my new horse. She said " I already did " (from very far away) and shut the door in my face. So I got in and tried to chat with her, but she starting moaning about how she was an " outcast " because she wasn't invited into my house. I said she was welcome to come in, but my bf just had to get dressed first! She says no, she doesn't want to come in, she's tired, she can tell when she's not wanted. Then she told me the horse looked like a horse we had when I was small that fell on my dad and broke his ribs, so she would be too scared of him. She also bitched at me that I paid too much for him because I didn't try to bargain with the owner. And complained again about some unrelated shit that she likes to blame me for all the time. I was like, are you sure you don't want to come in? She says no, get out of my car, I'm going home. So I did. But I was left with this huge disappointment in my gut. I mean, I really wasn't expecting anything else from her I guess. I even told my bf yesterday that she can't stand to see me happy too long and would try to upset me as soon as she got a chance since I was so excited about the horse. But my nada is the ONLY horse person I even know in this state. None of my friends know how to ride horses or have any or anything like that. Some part of me still wished I could share my excitement with her, have her be excited as well. Why do I keep getting disappointed that I really have no mother when I've known this for 20 years?! I can never seem to fully detach from her. I still feel sad that she didn't even want to come look at him. I thought that was why she was stopping by! And I hate how I can't just turn off my emotions around her. Why should this make me sad? Why can't I stay happy thinking about my new beautiful horse? I hate how she makes me feel. I hate that I don't have the strength to cut her off totally. I hate how I still wish I had a " real " mother who I could tell good and bad news to and have support and not have everything turned around to be all about her. I hate that I still love her and wish she could be that mother, even though I know she can't. Casey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 28, 2011 Report Share Posted March 28, 2011 I'm a horse person, I grew up with them. I love them, though I can't ride them because of a severe allergy. I wish I could come see him/her. What does he look like? Quarter horse? Gelding? Colt? Filly? Bay (my fav)? Palamino? Mule? How old? I know how to feed, water, worm, saddle them - - - but like I said I can't touch because I will not be able to breathe. Poor babies. I love all animals. As far as nada, if it were me, I would be wishing I'd let boyfriend give her the full monty! She deserves to be flashed or mooned. What a freaking waif. YOu were just trying to protect her innosence. Don't go after her, just let her sulk and moan and feel like an outcast. Its her behaviro that makes her an outcast, not her daughter. Maybe you could look for a horseman's group to join online. My dad was a mega horseman, and he was a member of a group called the Backcountry Horsemen. Errr how sexist of them - should be horsewomen. Lets go moon them too!!!!!!!! > > > It's a very tough place to be in knowing you dont have a mother. I'm not > sure I even admitted I had no mother until after she died. I just know that > if my mother was alive and I knew what I know now, I'd have handled things > much differently. Honestly, I think letting her know she is hurting you (and > it does hurt) fuels them more. I think they thrive off of the fact that > they're getting emotion out of someone else because of their behavior. As > bizarre as it sounds, it gives them some sort of emotional payoff to know > that they are hurting you. A mother doing this to their child is pretty > reprehensible, but unfortunately, it's how bpd symptoms are. > > > I swear I never learn... > > I KNOW (or should!) that I can't expect normal reactions from my nada when > I give her good news. I KNOW that if she can tell how happy or excited I am > it won't be long until she tries to bring me back down. It's no wonder why > my " default " state of mind is usually depressed. > > Mainly I've been very detached from my mother the last few years. It's the > only way I can deal with her. She's noticed, and cries about it to me > sometimes, saying how it's her fault I'm detatched because she was a bad > mother. (I just say nothing to this...) > > But I just got a horse, and I'm soooo happy about it. I owned horses my > whole life as a kid, but this is my first horse as an adult. It's been over > a decade. My mother likes horses as well (thus why we had them when I was a > kid) and it's not like I could exactly HIDE the fact I got a horse from her, > and so I called her and told her I was getting it. She even said " You sounds > so happy! " . At first she acts like she's HAPPY I'm happy. > > Yesterday I called her while we were towing the horse back to my house and > asked if she wanted to stop by and see him the next day (today). She said > yes, but that she wasn't sure what time. When she did stop by it was after > my and my boyfriend had just worked on cutting down a huge tree that fell on > our fence and broke it and so my boyfriend had just taken his pants off > because they were all muddy. He was cooking some lunch in his underwear, so > when she knocked on the door I told her not to come in yet, because he > wasn't dressed. > > I went outside and she was all moping in the car. I opened her door and > asked if she wanted to see my new horse. She said " I already did " (from very > far away) and shut the door in my face. So I got in and tried to chat with > her, but she starting moaning about how she was an " outcast " because she > wasn't invited into my house. I said she was welcome to come in, but my bf > just had to get dressed first! She says no, she doesn't want to come in, > she's tired, she can tell when she's not wanted. Then she told me the horse > looked like a horse we had when I was small that fell on my dad and broke > his ribs, so she would be too scared of him. She also bitched at me that I > paid too much for him because I didn't try to bargain with the owner. And > complained again about some unrelated shit that she likes to blame me for > all the time. I was like, are you sure you don't want to come in? She says > no, get out of my car, I'm going home. So I did. > > But I was left with this huge disappointment in my gut. I mean, I really > wasn't expecting anything else from her I guess. I even told my bf yesterday > that she can't stand to see me happy too long and would try to upset me as > soon as she got a chance since I was so excited about the horse. But my nada > is the ONLY horse person I even know in this state. None of my friends know > how to ride horses or have any or anything like that. Some part of me still > wished I could share my excitement with her, have her be excited as well. > > Why do I keep getting disappointed that I really have no mother when I've > known this for 20 years?! I can never seem to fully detach from her. I still > feel sad that she didn't even want to come look at him. I thought that was > why she was stopping by! And I hate how I can't just turn off my emotions > around her. Why should this make me sad? Why can't I stay happy thinking > about my new beautiful horse? > > I hate how she makes me feel. I hate that I don't have the strength to cut > her off totally. I hate how I still wish I had a " real " mother who I could > tell good and bad news to and have support and not have everything turned > around to be all about her. I hate that I still love her and wish she could > be that mother, even though I know she can't. > > Casey > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 28, 2011 Report Share Posted March 28, 2011 (((((Casey))))) I'm so sorry you got pulled back in by the hope that your nada felt genuine happiness for you, like a normal mother would. They " tease " us with these glimpses of normal, caring behavior, only to revert again to the distorted, hostile, negative, sulking, punitive behaviors. But I think in a lot of cases they can't help it. In other cases, those with narcissistic pd and antisocial pd traits, I think their negative behaviors are more planned, calculated and malicious, but with borderlines I think its coming from (to use a politically incorrect term) " emotional retardation. " Its like, she perceives that you are happy, but that makes her feel left out, envious, and jealous. When one 18-month-old " A " is given an ice cream cone and the other 18-month-old " B " is not given an ice cream cone, and has to watch as " A " enjoys her ice cream, we don't expect " B " to have the emotional maturity to cope with this situation. To " B " this is a big freaking deal and her frustration and envy might even trigger a tantrum. Its hard to wrap our minds around the idea that mom's adult body and adult-level intellectual brain houses a toddler's level of emotional development. It is even harder to emotionally detach to the point where nothing our nada can say or do can hurt us any more. I'm not there yet. I'm about half way there. I hope you can get closer to the place where your nada can't hurt you. -Annie > > I KNOW (or should!) that I can't expect normal reactions from my nada when I give her good news. I KNOW that if she can tell how happy or excited I am it won't be long until she tries to bring me back down. It's no wonder why my " default " state of mind is usually depressed. > > Mainly I've been very detached from my mother the last few years. It's the only way I can deal with her. She's noticed, and cries about it to me sometimes, saying how it's her fault I'm detatched because she was a bad mother. (I just say nothing to this...) > > But I just got a horse, and I'm soooo happy about it. I owned horses my whole life as a kid, but this is my first horse as an adult. It's been over a decade. My mother likes horses as well (thus why we had them when I was a kid) and it's not like I could exactly HIDE the fact I got a horse from her, and so I called her and told her I was getting it. She even said " You sounds so happy! " . At first she acts like she's HAPPY I'm happy. > > Yesterday I called her while we were towing the horse back to my house and asked if she wanted to stop by and see him the next day (today). She said yes, but that she wasn't sure what time. When she did stop by it was after my and my boyfriend had just worked on cutting down a huge tree that fell on our fence and broke it and so my boyfriend had just taken his pants off because they were all muddy. He was cooking some lunch in his underwear, so when she knocked on the door I told her not to come in yet, because he wasn't dressed. > > I went outside and she was all moping in the car. I opened her door and asked if she wanted to see my new horse. She said " I already did " (from very far away) and shut the door in my face. So I got in and tried to chat with her, but she starting moaning about how she was an " outcast " because she wasn't invited into my house. I said she was welcome to come in, but my bf just had to get dressed first! She says no, she doesn't want to come in, she's tired, she can tell when she's not wanted. Then she told me the horse looked like a horse we had when I was small that fell on my dad and broke his ribs, so she would be too scared of him. She also bitched at me that I paid too much for him because I didn't try to bargain with the owner. And complained again about some unrelated shit that she likes to blame me for all the time. I was like, are you sure you don't want to come in? She says no, get out of my car, I'm going home. So I did. > > But I was left with this huge disappointment in my gut. I mean, I really wasn't expecting anything else from her I guess. I even told my bf yesterday that she can't stand to see me happy too long and would try to upset me as soon as she got a chance since I was so excited about the horse. But my nada is the ONLY horse person I even know in this state. None of my friends know how to ride horses or have any or anything like that. Some part of me still wished I could share my excitement with her, have her be excited as well. > > Why do I keep getting disappointed that I really have no mother when I've known this for 20 years?! I can never seem to fully detach from her. I still feel sad that she didn't even want to come look at him. I thought that was why she was stopping by! And I hate how I can't just turn off my emotions around her. Why should this make me sad? Why can't I stay happy thinking about my new beautiful horse? > > I hate how she makes me feel. I hate that I don't have the strength to cut her off totally. I hate how I still wish I had a " real " mother who I could tell good and bad news to and have support and not have everything turned around to be all about her. I hate that I still love her and wish she could be that mother, even though I know she can't. > > Casey > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 28, 2011 Report Share Posted March 28, 2011 It's an almost 4 year old black and white paint gelding. He's had some professional training, but I'll have to finish him up, he hasn't been ridden since last summer. He's beautiful, but his original owners didn't really take care of him up to my standards, he's a bit underweight (not all too uncommon after winter, but still) and fly-bitten. He'll be in good health in no time, me and my boyfriend spoil our animals! He's so sweet, he has a wonderful personality. I can't wait to ride him, but it's been raining the whole time here (I live in WA) and my corral is too slippery. I'm sorry to hear you have such an allergy to them! My brother is also allergic to most of the animals we grew up with, I came out lucky in that regard. I love animals as well (another thing I share with my nada actually...). If I remember you do have dogs though, so at least your not allergic to them, right? I have a bichon-pomeranian-poodle mix and when you breed anything with a poodle they get a gene that makes them hypo-allergenic, I wonder if there is something like that in horses? Lol at just mooning her! I think it would embarrass my bf more than nada. That is a good idea to look for a horse group of some sort, I think I will. Thanks for cheering me up. =) Casey > > > > > > > It's a very tough place to be in knowing you dont have a mother. I'm not > > sure I even admitted I had no mother until after she died. I just know that > > if my mother was alive and I knew what I know now, I'd have handled things > > much differently. Honestly, I think letting her know she is hurting you (and > > it does hurt) fuels them more. I think they thrive off of the fact that > > they're getting emotion out of someone else because of their behavior. As > > bizarre as it sounds, it gives them some sort of emotional payoff to know > > that they are hurting you. A mother doing this to their child is pretty > > reprehensible, but unfortunately, it's how bpd symptoms are. > > > > > > I swear I never learn... > > > > I KNOW (or should!) that I can't expect normal reactions from my nada when > > I give her good news. I KNOW that if she can tell how happy or excited I am > > it won't be long until she tries to bring me back down. It's no wonder why > > my " default " state of mind is usually depressed. > > > > Mainly I've been very detached from my mother the last few years. It's the > > only way I can deal with her. She's noticed, and cries about it to me > > sometimes, saying how it's her fault I'm detatched because she was a bad > > mother. (I just say nothing to this...) > > > > But I just got a horse, and I'm soooo happy about it. I owned horses my > > whole life as a kid, but this is my first horse as an adult. It's been over > > a decade. My mother likes horses as well (thus why we had them when I was a > > kid) and it's not like I could exactly HIDE the fact I got a horse from her, > > and so I called her and told her I was getting it. She even said " You sounds > > so happy! " . At first she acts like she's HAPPY I'm happy. > > > > Yesterday I called her while we were towing the horse back to my house and > > asked if she wanted to stop by and see him the next day (today). She said > > yes, but that she wasn't sure what time. When she did stop by it was after > > my and my boyfriend had just worked on cutting down a huge tree that fell on > > our fence and broke it and so my boyfriend had just taken his pants off > > because they were all muddy. He was cooking some lunch in his underwear, so > > when she knocked on the door I told her not to come in yet, because he > > wasn't dressed. > > > > I went outside and she was all moping in the car. I opened her door and > > asked if she wanted to see my new horse. She said " I already did " (from very > > far away) and shut the door in my face. So I got in and tried to chat with > > her, but she starting moaning about how she was an " outcast " because she > > wasn't invited into my house. I said she was welcome to come in, but my bf > > just had to get dressed first! She says no, she doesn't want to come in, > > she's tired, she can tell when she's not wanted. Then she told me the horse > > looked like a horse we had when I was small that fell on my dad and broke > > his ribs, so she would be too scared of him. She also bitched at me that I > > paid too much for him because I didn't try to bargain with the owner. And > > complained again about some unrelated shit that she likes to blame me for > > all the time. I was like, are you sure you don't want to come in? She says > > no, get out of my car, I'm going home. So I did. > > > > But I was left with this huge disappointment in my gut. I mean, I really > > wasn't expecting anything else from her I guess. I even told my bf yesterday > > that she can't stand to see me happy too long and would try to upset me as > > soon as she got a chance since I was so excited about the horse. But my nada > > is the ONLY horse person I even know in this state. None of my friends know > > how to ride horses or have any or anything like that. Some part of me still > > wished I could share my excitement with her, have her be excited as well. > > > > Why do I keep getting disappointed that I really have no mother when I've > > known this for 20 years?! I can never seem to fully detach from her. I still > > feel sad that she didn't even want to come look at him. I thought that was > > why she was stopping by! And I hate how I can't just turn off my emotions > > around her. Why should this make me sad? Why can't I stay happy thinking > > about my new beautiful horse? > > > > I hate how she makes me feel. I hate that I don't have the strength to cut > > her off totally. I hate how I still wish I had a " real " mother who I could > > tell good and bad news to and have support and not have everything turned > > around to be all about her. I hate that I still love her and wish she could > > be that mother, even though I know she can't. > > > > Casey > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 28, 2011 Report Share Posted March 28, 2011 Yeah, the emotional development of a toddler is exactly the way to describe my nada!! " left out, envious, and jealous " is exactly how she feels, over the tiniest things - I can't even mention if I hung out with friend, even if I was doing something she would have no interest in whatsoever, or she feels this way. She even throws tantrums! It's absurd. Mainly I just get frustrated at myself, because none of this behavior is unexpected from her, in fact it's EXPECTED. So I get mad at myself when it still upsets me. I mean, it would be SHOCKING if she was suddenly normal! Casey > > > > I KNOW (or should!) that I can't expect normal reactions from my nada when I give her good news. I KNOW that if she can tell how happy or excited I am it won't be long until she tries to bring me back down. It's no wonder why my " default " state of mind is usually depressed. > > > > Mainly I've been very detached from my mother the last few years. It's the only way I can deal with her. She's noticed, and cries about it to me sometimes, saying how it's her fault I'm detatched because she was a bad mother. (I just say nothing to this...) > > > > But I just got a horse, and I'm soooo happy about it. I owned horses my whole life as a kid, but this is my first horse as an adult. It's been over a decade. My mother likes horses as well (thus why we had them when I was a kid) and it's not like I could exactly HIDE the fact I got a horse from her, and so I called her and told her I was getting it. She even said " You sounds so happy! " . At first she acts like she's HAPPY I'm happy. > > > > Yesterday I called her while we were towing the horse back to my house and asked if she wanted to stop by and see him the next day (today). She said yes, but that she wasn't sure what time. When she did stop by it was after my and my boyfriend had just worked on cutting down a huge tree that fell on our fence and broke it and so my boyfriend had just taken his pants off because they were all muddy. He was cooking some lunch in his underwear, so when she knocked on the door I told her not to come in yet, because he wasn't dressed. > > > > I went outside and she was all moping in the car. I opened her door and asked if she wanted to see my new horse. She said " I already did " (from very far away) and shut the door in my face. So I got in and tried to chat with her, but she starting moaning about how she was an " outcast " because she wasn't invited into my house. I said she was welcome to come in, but my bf just had to get dressed first! She says no, she doesn't want to come in, she's tired, she can tell when she's not wanted. Then she told me the horse looked like a horse we had when I was small that fell on my dad and broke his ribs, so she would be too scared of him. She also bitched at me that I paid too much for him because I didn't try to bargain with the owner. And complained again about some unrelated shit that she likes to blame me for all the time. I was like, are you sure you don't want to come in? She says no, get out of my car, I'm going home. So I did. > > > > But I was left with this huge disappointment in my gut. I mean, I really wasn't expecting anything else from her I guess. I even told my bf yesterday that she can't stand to see me happy too long and would try to upset me as soon as she got a chance since I was so excited about the horse. But my nada is the ONLY horse person I even know in this state. None of my friends know how to ride horses or have any or anything like that. Some part of me still wished I could share my excitement with her, have her be excited as well. > > > > Why do I keep getting disappointed that I really have no mother when I've known this for 20 years?! I can never seem to fully detach from her. I still feel sad that she didn't even want to come look at him. I thought that was why she was stopping by! And I hate how I can't just turn off my emotions around her. Why should this make me sad? Why can't I stay happy thinking about my new beautiful horse? > > > > I hate how she makes me feel. I hate that I don't have the strength to cut her off totally. I hate how I still wish I had a " real " mother who I could tell good and bad news to and have support and not have everything turned around to be all about her. I hate that I still love her and wish she could be that mother, even though I know she can't. > > > > Casey > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 28, 2011 Report Share Posted March 28, 2011 Yes, I usually try very hard not to let her see she is hurting me. That is also probably why she sees I'm so detached. With a normal person I would tell them that what they are doing is hurtful, so that they would try not to do that again, but with her, I can't let her know my weak spots (unfortunately as she raised me she really knows many of them anyway) or she uses them against me later, rather than trying to NOT do it again. Casey > > It's a very tough place to be in knowing you dont have a mother. I'm not sure I even admitted I had no mother until after she died. I just know that if my mother was alive and I knew what I know now, I'd have handled things much differently. Honestly, I think letting her know she is hurting you (and it does hurt) fuels them more. I think they thrive off of the fact that they're getting emotion out of someone else because of their behavior. As bizarre as it sounds, it gives them some sort of emotional payoff to know that they are hurting you. A mother doing this to their child is pretty reprehensible, but unfortunately, it's how bpd symptoms are. > > > > > > > > > I swear I never learn... > > > > > I KNOW (or should!) that I can't expect normal reactions from my nada when I give her good news. I KNOW that if she can tell how happy or excited I am it won't be long until she tries to bring me back down. It's no wonder why my " default " state of mind is usually depressed. > > Mainly I've been very detached from my mother the last few years. It's the only way I can deal with her. She's noticed, and cries about it to me sometimes, saying how it's her fault I'm detatched because she was a bad mother. (I just say nothing to this...) > > But I just got a horse, and I'm soooo happy about it. I owned horses my whole life as a kid, but this is my first horse as an adult. It's been over a decade. My mother likes horses as well (thus why we had them when I was a kid) and it's not like I could exactly HIDE the fact I got a horse from her, and so I called her and told her I was getting it. She even said " You sounds so happy! " . At first she acts like she's HAPPY I'm happy. > > Yesterday I called her while we were towing the horse back to my house and asked if she wanted to stop by and see him the next day (today). She said yes, but that she wasn't sure what time. When she did stop by it was after my and my boyfriend had just worked on cutting down a huge tree that fell on our fence and broke it and so my boyfriend had just taken his pants off because they were all muddy. He was cooking some lunch in his underwear, so when she knocked on the door I told her not to come in yet, because he wasn't dressed. > > I went outside and she was all moping in the car. I opened her door and asked if she wanted to see my new horse. She said " I already did " (from very far away) and shut the door in my face. So I got in and tried to chat with her, but she starting moaning about how she was an " outcast " because she wasn't invited into my house. I said she was welcome to come in, but my bf just had to get dressed first! She says no, she doesn't want to come in, she's tired, she can tell when she's not wanted. Then she told me the horse looked like a horse we had when I was small that fell on my dad and broke his ribs, so she would be too scared of him. She also bitched at me that I paid too much for him because I didn't try to bargain with the owner. And complained again about some unrelated shit that she likes to blame me for all the time. I was like, are you sure you don't want to come in? She says no, get out of my car, I'm going home. So I did. > > But I was left with this huge disappointment in my gut. I mean, I really wasn't expecting anything else from her I guess. I even told my bf yesterday that she can't stand to see me happy too long and would try to upset me as soon as she got a chance since I was so excited about the horse. But my nada is the ONLY horse person I even know in this state. None of my friends know how to ride horses or have any or anything like that. Some part of me still wished I could share my excitement with her, have her be excited as well. > > Why do I keep getting disappointed that I really have no mother when I've known this for 20 years?! I can never seem to fully detach from her. I still feel sad that she didn't even want to come look at him. I thought that was why she was stopping by! And I hate how I can't just turn off my emotions around her. Why should this make me sad? Why can't I stay happy thinking about my new beautiful horse? > > I hate how she makes me feel. I hate that I don't have the strength to cut her off totally. I hate how I still wish I had a " real " mother who I could tell good and bad news to and have support and not have everything turned around to be all about her. I hate that I still love her and wish she could be that mother, even though I know she can't. > > Casey > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 28, 2011 Report Share Posted March 28, 2011 This is the same exact thing that I deal with. I can't decide if it is sociopathic or BPD. But they don't want you to be happy. My nada I know, is secretly hoping that I don't find a job so that I can move closer to her. I moved to WA in part to get far away but she always complains how far away I am. So I asked her deliberately if she wanted me to move in with her and take care of her. She answered NO in an email but then backtracked and said if it came to that, I could, but definitely no one is to take care of her. I guess then she couldn't be in control anymore. Thanks for sharing everyone.  Felicia Ward Remember that people often have different perceptions of the same reality. You can both be right, and no one has to be wrong, if each of you is willing to let the other person have his or her perceptions and if both of you are willing to compromise. ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Mon, March 28, 2011 9:30:50 AM Subject: Re: I swear I never learn...  (((((Casey))))) I'm so sorry you got pulled back in by the hope that your nada felt genuine happiness for you, like a normal mother would. They " tease " us with these glimpses of normal, caring behavior, only to revert again to the distorted, hostile, negative, sulking, punitive behaviors. But I think in a lot of cases they can't help it. In other cases, those with narcissistic pd and antisocial pd traits, I think their negative behaviors are more planned, calculated and malicious, but with borderlines I think its coming from (to use a politically incorrect term) " emotional retardation. " Its like, she perceives that you are happy, but that makes her feel left out, envious, and jealous. When one 18-month-old " A " is given an ice cream cone and the other 18-month-old " B " is not given an ice cream cone, and has to watch as " A " enjoys her ice cream, we don't expect " B " to have the emotional maturity to cope with this situation. To " B " this is a big freaking deal and her frustration and envy might even trigger a tantrum. Its hard to wrap our minds around the idea that mom's adult body and adult-level intellectual brain houses a toddler's level of emotional development. It is even harder to emotionally detach to the point where nothing our nada can say or do can hurt us any more. I'm not there yet. I'm about half way there. I hope you can get closer to the place where your nada can't hurt you. -Annie > > I KNOW (or should!) that I can't expect normal reactions from my nada when I >give her good news. I KNOW that if she can tell how happy or excited I am it >won't be long until she tries to bring me back down. It's no wonder why my > " default " state of mind is usually depressed. > > Mainly I've been very detached from my mother the last few years. It's the only >way I can deal with her. She's noticed, and cries about it to me sometimes, >saying how it's her fault I'm detatched because she was a bad mother. (I just >say nothing to this...) > > But I just got a horse, and I'm soooo happy about it. I owned horses my whole >life as a kid, but this is my first horse as an adult. It's been over a decade. >My mother likes horses as well (thus why we had them when I was a kid) and it's >not like I could exactly HIDE the fact I got a horse from her, and so I called >her and told her I was getting it. She even said " You sounds so happy! " . At >first she acts like she's HAPPY I'm happy. > > Yesterday I called her while we were towing the horse back to my house and >asked if she wanted to stop by and see him the next day (today). She said yes, >but that she wasn't sure what time. When she did stop by it was after my and my >boyfriend had just worked on cutting down a huge tree that fell on our fence and >broke it and so my boyfriend had just taken his pants off because they were all >muddy. He was cooking some lunch in his underwear, so when she knocked on the >door I told her not to come in yet, because he wasn't dressed. > > I went outside and she was all moping in the car. I opened her door and asked >if she wanted to see my new horse. She said " I already did " (from very far away) >and shut the door in my face. So I got in and tried to chat with her, but she >starting moaning about how she was an " outcast " because she wasn't invited into >my house. I said she was welcome to come in, but my bf just had to get dressed >first! She says no, she doesn't want to come in, she's tired, she can tell when >she's not wanted. Then she told me the horse looked like a horse we had when I >was small that fell on my dad and broke his ribs, so she would be too scared of >him. She also bitched at me that I paid too much for him because I didn't try to >bargain with the owner. And complained again about some unrelated shit that she >likes to blame me for all the time. I was like, are you sure you don't want to >come in? She says no, get out of my car, I'm going home. So I did. > > But I was left with this huge disappointment in my gut. I mean, I really wasn't >expecting anything else from her I guess. I even told my bf yesterday that she >can't stand to see me happy too long and would try to upset me as soon as she >got a chance since I was so excited about the horse. But my nada is the ONLY >horse person I even know in this state. None of my friends know how to ride >horses or have any or anything like that. Some part of me still wished I could >share my excitement with her, have her be excited as well. > > Why do I keep getting disappointed that I really have no mother when I've known >this for 20 years?! I can never seem to fully detach from her. I still feel sad >that she didn't even want to come look at him. I thought that was why she was >stopping by! And I hate how I can't just turn off my emotions around her. Why >should this make me sad? Why can't I stay happy thinking about my new beautiful >horse? > > I hate how she makes me feel. I hate that I don't have the strength to cut her >off totally. I hate how I still wish I had a " real " mother who I could tell good >and bad news to and have support and not have everything turned around to be all >about her. I hate that I still love her and wish she could be that mother, even >though I know she can't. > > Casey > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 28, 2011 Report Share Posted March 28, 2011 But we were taught by them to always beat up and blame ourselves for their despicable behavior. in fact, i was taught that EVERYTHING is my fault. of course, never spoken to me but implied nevertheless. that way, nada always has plausible deniability.  Felicia Ward Remember that people often have different perceptions of the same reality. You can both be right, and no one has to be wrong, if each of you is willing to let the other person have his or her perceptions and if both of you are willing to compromise. ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Mon, March 28, 2011 9:56:35 AM Subject: Re: I swear I never learn...  Yeah, the emotional development of a toddler is exactly the way to describe my nada!! " left out, envious, and jealous " is exactly how she feels, over the tiniest things - I can't even mention if I hung out with friend, even if I was doing something she would have no interest in whatsoever, or she feels this way. She even throws tantrums! It's absurd. Mainly I just get frustrated at myself, because none of this behavior is unexpected from her, in fact it's EXPECTED. So I get mad at myself when it still upsets me. I mean, it would be SHOCKING if she was suddenly normal! Casey > > > > I KNOW (or should!) that I can't expect normal reactions from my nada when I >give her good news. I KNOW that if she can tell how happy or excited I am it >won't be long until she tries to bring me back down. It's no wonder why my > " default " state of mind is usually depressed. > > > > Mainly I've been very detached from my mother the last few years. It's the >only way I can deal with her. She's noticed, and cries about it to me sometimes, >saying how it's her fault I'm detatched because she was a bad mother. (I just >say nothing to this...) > > > > But I just got a horse, and I'm soooo happy about it. I owned horses my whole >life as a kid, but this is my first horse as an adult. It's been over a decade. >My mother likes horses as well (thus why we had them when I was a kid) and it's >not like I could exactly HIDE the fact I got a horse from her, and so I called >her and told her I was getting it. She even said " You sounds so happy! " . At >first she acts like she's HAPPY I'm happy. > > > > Yesterday I called her while we were towing the horse back to my house and >asked if she wanted to stop by and see him the next day (today). She said yes, >but that she wasn't sure what time. When she did stop by it was after my and my >boyfriend had just worked on cutting down a huge tree that fell on our fence and >broke it and so my boyfriend had just taken his pants off because they were all >muddy. He was cooking some lunch in his underwear, so when she knocked on the >door I told her not to come in yet, because he wasn't dressed. > > > > I went outside and she was all moping in the car. I opened her door and asked >if she wanted to see my new horse. She said " I already did " (from very far away) >and shut the door in my face. So I got in and tried to chat with her, but she >starting moaning about how she was an " outcast " because she wasn't invited into >my house. I said she was welcome to come in, but my bf just had to get dressed >first! She says no, she doesn't want to come in, she's tired, she can tell when >she's not wanted. Then she told me the horse looked like a horse we had when I >was small that fell on my dad and broke his ribs, so she would be too scared of >him. She also bitched at me that I paid too much for him because I didn't try to >bargain with the owner. And complained again about some unrelated shit that she >likes to blame me for all the time. I was like, are you sure you don't want to >come in? She says no, get out of my car, I'm going home. So I did. > > > > But I was left with this huge disappointment in my gut. I mean, I really >wasn't expecting anything else from her I guess. I even told my bf yesterday >that she can't stand to see me happy too long and would try to upset me as soon >as she got a chance since I was so excited about the horse. But my nada is the >ONLY horse person I even know in this state. None of my friends know how to ride >horses or have any or anything like that. Some part of me still wished I could >share my excitement with her, have her be excited as well. > > > > Why do I keep getting disappointed that I really have no mother when I've >known this for 20 years?! I can never seem to fully detach from her. I still >feel sad that she didn't even want to come look at him. I thought that was why >she was stopping by! And I hate how I can't just turn off my emotions around >her. Why should this make me sad? Why can't I stay happy thinking about my new >beautiful horse? > > > > I hate how she makes me feel. I hate that I don't have the strength to cut >her off totally. I hate how I still wish I had a " real " mother who I could tell >good and bad news to and have support and not have everything turned around to >be all about her. I hate that I still love her and wish she could be that >mother, even though I know she can't. > > > > Casey > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 28, 2011 Report Share Posted March 28, 2011 OMG a black and white paint!!!!!! Beautiful!!! What's his name? My dog Cowboy looks like a brown and white paint horse. Same markings. Imagine that on a lean dog with a mane and a face like the dragon in Never ending story. He is so beautiful, I'll message you a picture of him.He reminds me of a little horse. What are you going to call him? What stuff are you going to do? Just ride him or some of those dancie horse competitions? I wish I could come over and do a beauty treatment on him, I'm picturing a red halter and red ribbons in his mane. Black white and red is pretty much the most gorgeous color combo ever. What treats does he get to eat? I believe our horses had hay every day and then some combo of oats in the winter for extra nutrition. We called the oats their treats and always wanted to get to give them the treats You can tell all my horse memories are from when I was a kid. My dad was UBER into it. I even picked up pack saddles for him at one point. On Mon, Mar 28, 2011 at 11:04 AM, Felicia Ward wrote: > > > But we were taught by them to always beat up and blame ourselves for their > despicable behavior. in fact, i was taught that EVERYTHING is my fault. of > course, never spoken to me but implied nevertheless. that way, nada always > has > plausible deniability. > > > Felicia Ward > Remember that people often have different perceptions of the same reality. > You > can both be right, and no one has to be wrong, if each of you is willing to > let > the other person have his or her perceptions and if both of you are willing > to > compromise. > > ________________________________ > > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > Sent: Mon, March 28, 2011 9:56:35 AM > > Subject: Re: I swear I never learn... > > > Yeah, the emotional development of a toddler is exactly the way to > describe my > nada!! > > " left out, envious, and jealous " is exactly how she feels, over the tiniest > > things - I can't even mention if I hung out with friend, even if I was > doing > something she would have no interest in whatsoever, or she feels this way. > She > even throws tantrums! It's absurd. > > Mainly I just get frustrated at myself, because none of this behavior is > unexpected from her, in fact it's EXPECTED. So I get mad at myself when it > still > upsets me. I mean, it would be SHOCKING if she was suddenly normal! > > Casey > > > > > > > > I KNOW (or should!) that I can't expect normal reactions from my nada > when I > >give her good news. I KNOW that if she can tell how happy or excited I am > it > >won't be long until she tries to bring me back down. It's no wonder why my > > > " default " state of mind is usually depressed. > > > > > > Mainly I've been very detached from my mother the last few years. It's > the > >only way I can deal with her. She's noticed, and cries about it to me > sometimes, > >saying how it's her fault I'm detatched because she was a bad mother. (I > just > >say nothing to this...) > > > > > > But I just got a horse, and I'm soooo happy about it. I owned horses my > whole > >life as a kid, but this is my first horse as an adult. It's been over a > decade. > >My mother likes horses as well (thus why we had them when I was a kid) and > it's > >not like I could exactly HIDE the fact I got a horse from her, and so I > called > >her and told her I was getting it. She even said " You sounds so happy! " . > At > >first she acts like she's HAPPY I'm happy. > > > > > > Yesterday I called her while we were towing the horse back to my house > and > >asked if she wanted to stop by and see him the next day (today). She said > yes, > >but that she wasn't sure what time. When she did stop by it was after my > and my > >boyfriend had just worked on cutting down a huge tree that fell on our > fence and > >broke it and so my boyfriend had just taken his pants off because they > were all > >muddy. He was cooking some lunch in his underwear, so when she knocked on > the > >door I told her not to come in yet, because he wasn't dressed. > > > > > > I went outside and she was all moping in the car. I opened her door and > asked > >if she wanted to see my new horse. She said " I already did " (from very far > away) > >and shut the door in my face. So I got in and tried to chat with her, but > she > >starting moaning about how she was an " outcast " because she wasn't invited > into > >my house. I said she was welcome to come in, but my bf just had to get > dressed > >first! She says no, she doesn't want to come in, she's tired, she can tell > when > >she's not wanted. Then she told me the horse looked like a horse we had > when I > >was small that fell on my dad and broke his ribs, so she would be too > scared of > >him. She also bitched at me that I paid too much for him because I didn't > try to > >bargain with the owner. And complained again about some unrelated shit > that she > >likes to blame me for all the time. I was like, are you sure you don't > want to > >come in? She says no, get out of my car, I'm going home. So I did. > > > > > > But I was left with this huge disappointment in my gut. I mean, I > really > >wasn't expecting anything else from her I guess. I even told my bf > yesterday > >that she can't stand to see me happy too long and would try to upset me as > soon > >as she got a chance since I was so excited about the horse. But my nada is > the > >ONLY horse person I even know in this state. None of my friends know how > to ride > >horses or have any or anything like that. Some part of me still wished I > could > >share my excitement with her, have her be excited as well. > > > > > > Why do I keep getting disappointed that I really have no mother when > I've > >known this for 20 years?! I can never seem to fully detach from her. I > still > >feel sad that she didn't even want to come look at him. I thought that was > why > >she was stopping by! And I hate how I can't just turn off my emotions > around > >her. Why should this make me sad? Why can't I stay happy thinking about my > new > >beautiful horse? > > > > > > I hate how she makes me feel. I hate that I don't have the strength to > cut > >her off totally. I hate how I still wish I had a " real " mother who I could > tell > >good and bad news to and have support and not have everything turned > around to > >be all about her. I hate that I still love her and wish she could be that > >mother, even though I know she can't. > > > > > > Casey > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 28, 2011 Report Share Posted March 28, 2011 I lost my charger to my camera but as soon as I get a new one maybe I can send you some pictures! I'd love to see your dog as well, I love dogs. =) His name was but I'm changing it to Glacier. I feed him grass hay and oats, I'm also giving him a supplement so he can gain a little weight since he's too thin. I have some apple flavored treats I use for training. He really really likes to be scratched behind his ears and already follows me around and rubs his head on me trying to get me to scratch him. I'm just going to trail ride with him. I'm not really into all that showy stuff, I like to just ride for pleasure. There's lots of mountain trails to ride on around here so I'm very excited for summer! Once we're sure we can afford a second horse I'm going to buy my boyfriend a horse as well, but for now he gets to just walk the dogs while I ride lol. Glacier needs more training before a beginner can ride him anyway. Me and my boyfriend spent all day with him yesterday brushing him and cleaning him all up, so he looks wonderful! And he has a red halter. =) I'm in love with him already and I've only had him 3 days! He's the sweetest animal ever. Now I'm stuck at work and wish I was home playing with him lol. I'm also so happy I have my bf who loves animals as much as I do. He bought a truck so we can get hay and tow our trailer to mountains for riding. He likes to work on cars so he gets great deals on broken down cars and then fixes them up. He isn't experienced with horses at all but does like them (he likes all animals) so I'm gonna teach him. Thank you for chatting with me about horses, Girlscout. I feel all happy again having someone I can share my excitement with after that disappointing encounter with my nada! How many dogs do you have? I have 2, a big black one and a tiny white one. I also have 2 cats. Casey > > OMG a black and white paint!!!!!! Beautiful!!! What's his name? > > My dog Cowboy looks like a brown and white paint horse. Same markings. > Imagine that on a lean dog with a mane and a face like the dragon in Never > ending story. He is so beautiful, I'll message you a picture of him.He > reminds me of a little horse. > > What are you going to call him? What stuff are you going to do? Just ride > him or some of those dancie horse competitions? > > I wish I could come over and do a beauty treatment on him, I'm picturing a > red halter and red ribbons in his mane. Black white and red is pretty much > the most gorgeous color combo ever. > > What treats does he get to eat? I believe our horses had hay every day and > then some combo of oats in the winter for extra nutrition. We called the > oats their treats and always wanted to get to give them the treats You > can tell all my horse memories are from when I was a kid. My dad was UBER > into it. I even picked up pack saddles for him at one point. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 28, 2011 Report Share Posted March 28, 2011 So true. I was also taught everything was my fault. I have a very hard time not feeling guilty about everything that happens around me, even things that there is no way possible I am responsible for. Like if I plan a day out and it rains, I feel guilty that things didn't go as planned! Isn't that absurd? > > > > > > I KNOW (or should!) that I can't expect normal reactions from my nada when I > >give her good news. I KNOW that if she can tell how happy or excited I am it > >won't be long until she tries to bring me back down. It's no wonder why my > > " default " state of mind is usually depressed. > > > > > > Mainly I've been very detached from my mother the last few years. It's the > >only way I can deal with her. She's noticed, and cries about it to me sometimes, > >saying how it's her fault I'm detatched because she was a bad mother. (I just > >say nothing to this...) > > > > > > But I just got a horse, and I'm soooo happy about it. I owned horses my whole > >life as a kid, but this is my first horse as an adult. It's been over a decade. > >My mother likes horses as well (thus why we had them when I was a kid) and it's > >not like I could exactly HIDE the fact I got a horse from her, and so I called > >her and told her I was getting it. She even said " You sounds so happy! " . At > >first she acts like she's HAPPY I'm happy. > > > > > > Yesterday I called her while we were towing the horse back to my house and > >asked if she wanted to stop by and see him the next day (today). She said yes, > >but that she wasn't sure what time. When she did stop by it was after my and my > >boyfriend had just worked on cutting down a huge tree that fell on our fence and > >broke it and so my boyfriend had just taken his pants off because they were all > >muddy. He was cooking some lunch in his underwear, so when she knocked on the > >door I told her not to come in yet, because he wasn't dressed. > > > > > > I went outside and she was all moping in the car. I opened her door and asked > >if she wanted to see my new horse. She said " I already did " (from very far away) > >and shut the door in my face. So I got in and tried to chat with her, but she > >starting moaning about how she was an " outcast " because she wasn't invited into > >my house. I said she was welcome to come in, but my bf just had to get dressed > >first! She says no, she doesn't want to come in, she's tired, she can tell when > >she's not wanted. Then she told me the horse looked like a horse we had when I > >was small that fell on my dad and broke his ribs, so she would be too scared of > >him. She also bitched at me that I paid too much for him because I didn't try to > >bargain with the owner. And complained again about some unrelated shit that she > >likes to blame me for all the time. I was like, are you sure you don't want to > >come in? She says no, get out of my car, I'm going home. So I did. > > > > > > But I was left with this huge disappointment in my gut. I mean, I really > >wasn't expecting anything else from her I guess. I even told my bf yesterday > >that she can't stand to see me happy too long and would try to upset me as soon > >as she got a chance since I was so excited about the horse. But my nada is the > >ONLY horse person I even know in this state. None of my friends know how to ride > >horses or have any or anything like that. Some part of me still wished I could > >share my excitement with her, have her be excited as well. > > > > > > Why do I keep getting disappointed that I really have no mother when I've > >known this for 20 years?! I can never seem to fully detach from her. I still > >feel sad that she didn't even want to come look at him. I thought that was why > >she was stopping by! And I hate how I can't just turn off my emotions around > >her. Why should this make me sad? Why can't I stay happy thinking about my new > >beautiful horse? > > > > > > I hate how she makes me feel. I hate that I don't have the strength to cut > >her off totally. I hate how I still wish I had a " real " mother who I could tell > >good and bad news to and have support and not have everything turned around to > >be all about her. I hate that I still love her and wish she could be that > >mother, even though I know she can't. > > > > > > Casey > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 28, 2011 Report Share Posted March 28, 2011 OMG I love the name Glacier. I always thought the trail riders were the best. I've heard you can get him some fancy tack on e-bay, a lot of my dad's friends collected western memorabilia. My dad always told me that horses were happier when they had another horse to hang out with - though as much as you are loving on him and feeding him, I bet he is doing just fine. Isn't it the best feeling in the world when your animal welcomes you home? I have 2 dogs of my own, a Welsh Terrier ( my minnie me) named Girlscout and my big boy named Cowboy. He's some kind of mix from an animal shelter. And my boyfriend has a Rottweiler mix. Our dogs still seem like pups to me, but the youngest is 5.5 and the oldest, the rotty is going on 14 years old. Whoa. Hugs, I'll message you some private pics. I have more than you'd ever want to see On Mon, Mar 28, 2011 at 1:56 PM, slingshot2hell wrote: > > > So true. I was also taught everything was my fault. I have a very hard time > not feeling guilty about everything that happens around me, even things that > there is no way possible I am responsible for. Like if I plan a day out and > it rains, I feel guilty that things didn't go as planned! Isn't that absurd? > > > > > > > > > > > > I KNOW (or should!) that I can't expect normal reactions from my nada > when I > > >give her good news. I KNOW that if she can tell how happy or excited I > am it > > >won't be long until she tries to bring me back down. It's no wonder why > my > > > " default " state of mind is usually depressed. > > > > > > > > Mainly I've been very detached from my mother the last few years. > It's the > > >only way I can deal with her. She's noticed, and cries about it to me > sometimes, > > >saying how it's her fault I'm detatched because she was a bad mother. (I > just > > >say nothing to this...) > > > > > > > > But I just got a horse, and I'm soooo happy about it. I owned horses > my whole > > >life as a kid, but this is my first horse as an adult. It's been over a > decade. > > >My mother likes horses as well (thus why we had them when I was a kid) > and it's > > >not like I could exactly HIDE the fact I got a horse from her, and so I > called > > >her and told her I was getting it. She even said " You sounds so happy! " . > At > > >first she acts like she's HAPPY I'm happy. > > > > > > > > Yesterday I called her while we were towing the horse back to my > house and > > >asked if she wanted to stop by and see him the next day (today). She > said yes, > > >but that she wasn't sure what time. When she did stop by it was after my > and my > > >boyfriend had just worked on cutting down a huge tree that fell on our > fence and > > >broke it and so my boyfriend had just taken his pants off because they > were all > > >muddy. He was cooking some lunch in his underwear, so when she knocked > on the > > >door I told her not to come in yet, because he wasn't dressed. > > > > > > > > I went outside and she was all moping in the car. I opened her door > and asked > > >if she wanted to see my new horse. She said " I already did " (from very > far away) > > >and shut the door in my face. So I got in and tried to chat with her, > but she > > >starting moaning about how she was an " outcast " because she wasn't > invited into > > >my house. I said she was welcome to come in, but my bf just had to get > dressed > > >first! She says no, she doesn't want to come in, she's tired, she can > tell when > > >she's not wanted. Then she told me the horse looked like a horse we had > when I > > >was small that fell on my dad and broke his ribs, so she would be too > scared of > > >him. She also bitched at me that I paid too much for him because I > didn't try to > > >bargain with the owner. And complained again about some unrelated shit > that she > > >likes to blame me for all the time. I was like, are you sure you don't > want to > > >come in? She says no, get out of my car, I'm going home. So I did. > > > > > > > > But I was left with this huge disappointment in my gut. I mean, I > really > > >wasn't expecting anything else from her I guess. I even told my bf > yesterday > > >that she can't stand to see me happy too long and would try to upset me > as soon > > >as she got a chance since I was so excited about the horse. But my nada > is the > > >ONLY horse person I even know in this state. None of my friends know how > to ride > > >horses or have any or anything like that. Some part of me still wished I > could > > >share my excitement with her, have her be excited as well. > > > > > > > > Why do I keep getting disappointed that I really have no mother when > I've > > >known this for 20 years?! I can never seem to fully detach from her. I > still > > >feel sad that she didn't even want to come look at him. I thought that > was why > > >she was stopping by! And I hate how I can't just turn off my emotions > around > > >her. Why should this make me sad? Why can't I stay happy thinking about > my new > > >beautiful horse? > > > > > > > > I hate how she makes me feel. I hate that I don't have the strength > to cut > > >her off totally. I hate how I still wish I had a " real " mother who I > could tell > > >good and bad news to and have support and not have everything turned > around to > > >be all about her. I hate that I still love her and wish she could be > that > > >mother, even though I know she can't. > > > > > > > > Casey > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 28, 2011 Report Share Posted March 28, 2011 Don't worry, he's not lonely, I have been training and selling my nada's miniature horses for her since my parents are having a hard time financially (my dad has been jobless since 2008). There is one mini left and she is happy for company as well! (They look hilarious together though, I must admit.) I'm hoping to get a second horse by the time I sell the mini. The minis are really like pets more than horses though, but training them this past year has made me want a horse I can actually ride so bad, this is something I've been looking forward to my whole life! Yes, I love when my pets greet me when I get home. I'm pretty sure they love me more than anyone ever has (or could)! I also like to snuggle on the bed with my bf and our dogs and cats. It's very crowded but I love it! Casey > > > > > > > > > > I KNOW (or should!) that I can't expect normal reactions from my nada > > when I > > > >give her good news. I KNOW that if she can tell how happy or excited I > > am it > > > >won't be long until she tries to bring me back down. It's no wonder why > > my > > > > " default " state of mind is usually depressed. > > > > > > > > > > Mainly I've been very detached from my mother the last few years. > > It's the > > > >only way I can deal with her. She's noticed, and cries about it to me > > sometimes, > > > >saying how it's her fault I'm detatched because she was a bad mother. (I > > just > > > >say nothing to this...) > > > > > > > > > > But I just got a horse, and I'm soooo happy about it. I owned horses > > my whole > > > >life as a kid, but this is my first horse as an adult. It's been over a > > decade. > > > >My mother likes horses as well (thus why we had them when I was a kid) > > and it's > > > >not like I could exactly HIDE the fact I got a horse from her, and so I > > called > > > >her and told her I was getting it. She even said " You sounds so happy! " . > > At > > > >first she acts like she's HAPPY I'm happy. > > > > > > > > > > Yesterday I called her while we were towing the horse back to my > > house and > > > >asked if she wanted to stop by and see him the next day (today). She > > said yes, > > > >but that she wasn't sure what time. When she did stop by it was after my > > and my > > > >boyfriend had just worked on cutting down a huge tree that fell on our > > fence and > > > >broke it and so my boyfriend had just taken his pants off because they > > were all > > > >muddy. He was cooking some lunch in his underwear, so when she knocked > > on the > > > >door I told her not to come in yet, because he wasn't dressed. > > > > > > > > > > I went outside and she was all moping in the car. I opened her door > > and asked > > > >if she wanted to see my new horse. She said " I already did " (from very > > far away) > > > >and shut the door in my face. So I got in and tried to chat with her, > > but she > > > >starting moaning about how she was an " outcast " because she wasn't > > invited into > > > >my house. I said she was welcome to come in, but my bf just had to get > > dressed > > > >first! She says no, she doesn't want to come in, she's tired, she can > > tell when > > > >she's not wanted. Then she told me the horse looked like a horse we had > > when I > > > >was small that fell on my dad and broke his ribs, so she would be too > > scared of > > > >him. She also bitched at me that I paid too much for him because I > > didn't try to > > > >bargain with the owner. And complained again about some unrelated shit > > that she > > > >likes to blame me for all the time. I was like, are you sure you don't > > want to > > > >come in? She says no, get out of my car, I'm going home. So I did. > > > > > > > > > > But I was left with this huge disappointment in my gut. I mean, I > > really > > > >wasn't expecting anything else from her I guess. I even told my bf > > yesterday > > > >that she can't stand to see me happy too long and would try to upset me > > as soon > > > >as she got a chance since I was so excited about the horse. But my nada > > is the > > > >ONLY horse person I even know in this state. None of my friends know how > > to ride > > > >horses or have any or anything like that. Some part of me still wished I > > could > > > >share my excitement with her, have her be excited as well. > > > > > > > > > > Why do I keep getting disappointed that I really have no mother when > > I've > > > >known this for 20 years?! I can never seem to fully detach from her. I > > still > > > >feel sad that she didn't even want to come look at him. I thought that > > was why > > > >she was stopping by! And I hate how I can't just turn off my emotions > > around > > > >her. Why should this make me sad? Why can't I stay happy thinking about > > my new > > > >beautiful horse? > > > > > > > > > > I hate how she makes me feel. I hate that I don't have the strength > > to cut > > > >her off totally. I hate how I still wish I had a " real " mother who I > > could tell > > > >good and bad news to and have support and not have everything turned > > around to > > > >be all about her. I hate that I still love her and wish she could be > > that > > > >mother, even though I know she can't. > > > > > > > > > > Casey > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 28, 2011 Report Share Posted March 28, 2011 OMG I want a minnie pony!!! Cutest things ever. We had one visit our office for a friend's birthday one day. He didn't seem very well cared for though so it left the animal lovers a little bummed. On Mon, Mar 28, 2011 at 4:37 PM, slingshot2hell wrote: > > > Don't worry, he's not lonely, I have been training and selling my nada's > miniature horses for her since my parents are having a hard time financially > (my dad has been jobless since 2008). There is one mini left and she is > happy for company as well! (They look hilarious together though, I must > admit.) I'm hoping to get a second horse by the time I sell the mini. The > minis are really like pets more than horses though, but training them this > past year has made me want a horse I can actually ride so bad, this is > something I've been looking forward to my whole life! > > Yes, I love when my pets greet me when I get home. I'm pretty sure they > love me more than anyone ever has (or could)! I also like to snuggle on the > bed with my bf and our dogs and cats. It's very crowded but I love it! > > Casey > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I KNOW (or should!) that I can't expect normal reactions from my > nada > > > when I > > > > >give her good news. I KNOW that if she can tell how happy or excited > I > > > am it > > > > >won't be long until she tries to bring me back down. It's no wonder > why > > > my > > > > > " default " state of mind is usually depressed. > > > > > > > > > > > > Mainly I've been very detached from my mother the last few years. > > > It's the > > > > >only way I can deal with her. She's noticed, and cries about it to > me > > > sometimes, > > > > >saying how it's her fault I'm detatched because she was a bad > mother. (I > > > just > > > > >say nothing to this...) > > > > > > > > > > > > But I just got a horse, and I'm soooo happy about it. I owned > horses > > > my whole > > > > >life as a kid, but this is my first horse as an adult. It's been > over a > > > decade. > > > > >My mother likes horses as well (thus why we had them when I was a > kid) > > > and it's > > > > >not like I could exactly HIDE the fact I got a horse from her, and > so I > > > called > > > > >her and told her I was getting it. She even said " You sounds so > happy! " . > > > At > > > > >first she acts like she's HAPPY I'm happy. > > > > > > > > > > > > Yesterday I called her while we were towing the horse back to my > > > house and > > > > >asked if she wanted to stop by and see him the next day (today). She > > > said yes, > > > > >but that she wasn't sure what time. When she did stop by it was > after my > > > and my > > > > >boyfriend had just worked on cutting down a huge tree that fell on > our > > > fence and > > > > >broke it and so my boyfriend had just taken his pants off because > they > > > were all > > > > >muddy. He was cooking some lunch in his underwear, so when she > knocked > > > on the > > > > >door I told her not to come in yet, because he wasn't dressed. > > > > > > > > > > > > I went outside and she was all moping in the car. I opened her > door > > > and asked > > > > >if she wanted to see my new horse. She said " I already did " (from > very > > > far away) > > > > >and shut the door in my face. So I got in and tried to chat with > her, > > > but she > > > > >starting moaning about how she was an " outcast " because she wasn't > > > invited into > > > > >my house. I said she was welcome to come in, but my bf just had to > get > > > dressed > > > > >first! She says no, she doesn't want to come in, she's tired, she > can > > > tell when > > > > >she's not wanted. Then she told me the horse looked like a horse we > had > > > when I > > > > >was small that fell on my dad and broke his ribs, so she would be > too > > > scared of > > > > >him. She also bitched at me that I paid too much for him because I > > > didn't try to > > > > >bargain with the owner. And complained again about some unrelated > shit > > > that she > > > > >likes to blame me for all the time. I was like, are you sure you > don't > > > want to > > > > >come in? She says no, get out of my car, I'm going home. So I did. > > > > > > > > > > > > But I was left with this huge disappointment in my gut. I mean, I > > > really > > > > >wasn't expecting anything else from her I guess. I even told my bf > > > yesterday > > > > >that she can't stand to see me happy too long and would try to upset > me > > > as soon > > > > >as she got a chance since I was so excited about the horse. But my > nada > > > is the > > > > >ONLY horse person I even know in this state. None of my friends know > how > > > to ride > > > > >horses or have any or anything like that. Some part of me still > wished I > > > could > > > > >share my excitement with her, have her be excited as well. > > > > > > > > > > > > Why do I keep getting disappointed that I really have no mother > when > > > I've > > > > >known this for 20 years?! I can never seem to fully detach from her. > I > > > still > > > > >feel sad that she didn't even want to come look at him. I thought > that > > > was why > > > > >she was stopping by! And I hate how I can't just turn off my > emotions > > > around > > > > >her. Why should this make me sad? Why can't I stay happy thinking > about > > > my new > > > > >beautiful horse? > > > > > > > > > > > > I hate how she makes me feel. I hate that I don't have the > strength > > > to cut > > > > >her off totally. I hate how I still wish I had a " real " mother who I > > > could tell > > > > >good and bad news to and have support and not have everything turned > > > around to > > > > >be all about her. I hate that I still love her and wish she could be > > > that > > > > >mother, even though I know she can't. > > > > > > > > > > > > Casey > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 28, 2011 Report Share Posted March 28, 2011 My heart goes out to you. Reading that reminded me so much of my bpd mom. She has been dead 6 years now and I look back and not once did she every validate my feelings and accomplishments, to do she would have had to admit I was seperate from her and maybe I would leave her. I have had alot of theropy and do very well. I am happy. I have two BPD sisters I have cut out of my life. I had to, wish things would have been different but still to this day, I have a hard time letting the guard down. Everytime I did, I got kicked in the teeth, so to speak. I have to learn to do this someday. It is very uncomfortable for me. I know how hard this must be for you and it is only natural that a child, no matter what age, whats its mothers love and validation. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are human and have love to give and want love back. However our nadas can not give us what they do not have to give. Stay Strong. > > I KNOW (or should!) that I can't expect normal reactions from my nada when I give her good news. I KNOW that if she can tell how happy or excited I am it won't be long until she tries to bring me back down. It's no wonder why my " default " state of mind is usually depressed. > > Mainly I've been very detached from my mother the last few years. It's the only way I can deal with her. She's noticed, and cries about it to me sometimes, saying how it's her fault I'm detatched because she was a bad mother. (I just say nothing to this...) > > But I just got a horse, and I'm soooo happy about it. I owned horses my whole life as a kid, but this is my first horse as an adult. It's been over a decade. My mother likes horses as well (thus why we had them when I was a kid) and it's not like I could exactly HIDE the fact I got a horse from her, and so I called her and told her I was getting it. She even said " You sounds so happy! " . At first she acts like she's HAPPY I'm happy. > > Yesterday I called her while we were towing the horse back to my house and asked if she wanted to stop by and see him the next day (today). She said yes, but that she wasn't sure what time. When she did stop by it was after my and my boyfriend had just worked on cutting down a huge tree that fell on our fence and broke it and so my boyfriend had just taken his pants off because they were all muddy. He was cooking some lunch in his underwear, so when she knocked on the door I told her not to come in yet, because he wasn't dressed. > > I went outside and she was all moping in the car. I opened her door and asked if she wanted to see my new horse. She said " I already did " (from very far away) and shut the door in my face. So I got in and tried to chat with her, but she starting moaning about how she was an " outcast " because she wasn't invited into my house. I said she was welcome to come in, but my bf just had to get dressed first! She says no, she doesn't want to come in, she's tired, she can tell when she's not wanted. Then she told me the horse looked like a horse we had when I was small that fell on my dad and broke his ribs, so she would be too scared of him. She also bitched at me that I paid too much for him because I didn't try to bargain with the owner. And complained again about some unrelated shit that she likes to blame me for all the time. I was like, are you sure you don't want to come in? She says no, get out of my car, I'm going home. So I did. > > But I was left with this huge disappointment in my gut. I mean, I really wasn't expecting anything else from her I guess. I even told my bf yesterday that she can't stand to see me happy too long and would try to upset me as soon as she got a chance since I was so excited about the horse. But my nada is the ONLY horse person I even know in this state. None of my friends know how to ride horses or have any or anything like that. Some part of me still wished I could share my excitement with her, have her be excited as well. > > Why do I keep getting disappointed that I really have no mother when I've known this for 20 years?! I can never seem to fully detach from her. I still feel sad that she didn't even want to come look at him. I thought that was why she was stopping by! And I hate how I can't just turn off my emotions around her. Why should this make me sad? Why can't I stay happy thinking about my new beautiful horse? > > I hate how she makes me feel. I hate that I don't have the strength to cut her off totally. I hate how I still wish I had a " real " mother who I could tell good and bad news to and have support and not have everything turned around to be all about her. I hate that I still love her and wish she could be that mother, even though I know she can't. > > Casey > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 28, 2011 Report Share Posted March 28, 2011 I know you've already gotten a ton of responses, but I just thought I'd mention that I'm the same way about my nada. I know she has the potential to be a really nice person to spend time with, but she can't ever get past her negativity. Your horse situation reminds me of my buying of my first house. Didn't have a positive thing to say about it. Still, I get sucked in to trying to have the mom I know I can't ever have. I always say you never get over the trauma in your life, you just learn how to deal with it. I wish you the best. I hope your new horse brings you great happiness! Jen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 29, 2011 Report Share Posted March 29, 2011 LOL! My husband and I share a bed with at least one dog and a random smattering of cats (depending on the day and their respective moods). We recently upgraded to a king size bed, just to accomodate all the animals. Pets are the best Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 31, 2011 Report Share Posted March 31, 2011 " Mainly I just get frustrated at myself, because none of this behavior is unexpected from her, in fact it's EXPECTED. So I get mad at myself when it still upsets me. I mean, it would be SHOCKING if she was suddenly normal! " Casey, it's so, so true. I'm amazed when I share something good with my mother and she DOESN'T put a negative spin on it or tell me to be careful in some way. Like yesterday, I told her a good friend of mine had given birth. My mother can't stand her. She actually was happy for her, seemingly, anyway! But I've become so used to her talking her down, I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 31, 2011 Report Share Posted March 31, 2011 Ha! I recently posted here how I told my nada about a good friend giving birth (a friend my nada actually likes!) and my nada went into a tirade about how awful my friend was for having kids without being married. A funny thing is another friend also just had a baby, and this one IS married (but money did NOT fall into her lap upon marrying, which my nada seems to imply happens...), and she was all against that too because my friend has MS. Ugh she's so negative. I'm happy to hear your nada was POSITIVE about it. I'm shocked, actually, your nada sounds a lot like mine usually. If it was mine, I'd STILL be waiting for the other shoe to drop. (I'm always waiting for that...) Casey > > " Mainly I just get frustrated at myself, because none of this behavior is unexpected from her, in fact it's EXPECTED. So I get mad at myself when it still upsets me. I mean, it would be SHOCKING if she was suddenly normal! " > > Casey, it's so, so true. I'm amazed when I share something good with my mother and she DOESN'T put a negative spin on it or tell me to be careful in some way. Like yesterday, I told her a good friend of mine had given birth. My mother can't stand her. She actually was happy for her, seemingly, anyway! But I've become so used to her talking her down, I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 31, 2011 Report Share Posted March 31, 2011 My nada takes one of two strategies- if something good happens in my life, she finds a way to degrade it and initiate the FOG. My friends and I recently went to Disneyland for a day. My nada HATES Disneyland, theme parks in general, and pretty much any crowded place. Nevertheless, when I got home, she guilt tripped me about how miserable her life is and how she never gets to do anything fun and about I don't care about her needs. The alternative strategy is when she (god forbid) realizes that I've had a crappy day at work or have a headache, or whatever. Then she has to get competitive. Her work days are always worse, her headaches always hurt more. I have no idea how I would respond if my nada actually responded positively or compassionately to anything. I would probably wonder if I had randomly landed on Mars or something... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 1, 2011 Report Share Posted April 1, 2011 That is JUST like my nada! She gets all jealous that I didn't invite her to random things with my friends, even things she would never want to do, also complaining how miserable her life is, she has no friends (not sure why I should be responsible for that...) etc. And if I say something negative, she also get's all competitive about who is WORSE off. I remember my last visit with my nada to my grandparents before they died. At one point I had to leave the room while they were all moping because it was unbearable and I called my bf and said " They are all arguing over who is MORE miserable! They're having a competition over it! " So I can see where she gets it... ly I know I tend to be negative as well and have to work very hard and surround myself with happy ppl to not fall into that " family habit " . Although I have never tried to argue with someone to prove I am MORE miserable. Casey > > My nada takes one of two strategies- if something good happens in my life, she finds a way to degrade it and initiate the FOG. My friends and I recently went to Disneyland for a day. My nada HATES Disneyland, theme parks in general, and pretty much any crowded place. Nevertheless, when I got home, she guilt tripped me about how miserable her life is and how she never gets to do anything fun and about I don't care about her needs. > > The alternative strategy is when she (god forbid) realizes that I've had a crappy day at work or have a headache, or whatever. Then she has to get competitive. Her work days are always worse, her headaches always hurt more. > > I have no idea how I would respond if my nada actually responded positively or compassionately to anything. I would probably wonder if I had randomly landed on Mars or something... > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 1, 2011 Report Share Posted April 1, 2011 when i was dating my old boyfriend who was 7 years older than me...i cannot describe to you the war i had to deal with having to do with her opinion and prejudice of an " older man " with her daughter. This went on for 7 years. Instead of leaving us alone with this, she humiliated me constantly, telling everyone how sick we both were to not date someone of the same age. She called him cradle-robber...even when i was 26. We loved each other. When we finally broke up...thanks to all the drama from my mom, it was then that I realized that my dad is 11 years older than my mom...why i didn't figure that one out before is beyond me...but to this day, i hold resentment like you wouldn't believe. How dare she. That was many years ago...I am married, have 5 kids...yet when i think about it...i feel cosmically screwed. amy PS...I also overcompensate whenever possible with my kids. I am so respectful with them with every subject...they can tell me anything,,,and i allow for them each to have their opinions, rights, likes, dislikes...and passions...because they are free human beings in our home. No personality and soul bashing here EVER. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 1, 2011 Report Share Posted April 1, 2011 My FOO does that too! Like they get together and wallow in a massive pity party! I generally provide the play-by-play via text messages to my husband (whom I rarely subject to my FOO, since I actually love him and care about his feelings, LOL) and he keeps score of who's suffering the most. Then when I get home, he tells me who wins the gold, silver and bronze medal for Worst Possible Fate EVER. I actually told my FOO at one of our last " get-togethers " that there wasn't a finite amount of suffering in the world that they needed to compete over. There's plenty to go around! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 1, 2011 Report Share Posted April 1, 2011 Haha! That's great. > > My FOO does that too! Like they get together and wallow in a massive pity party! I generally provide the play-by-play via text messages to my husband (whom I rarely subject to my FOO, since I actually love him and care about his feelings, LOL) and he keeps score of who's suffering the most. Then when I get home, he tells me who wins the gold, silver and bronze medal for Worst Possible Fate EVER. > > I actually told my FOO at one of our last " get-togethers " that there wasn't a finite amount of suffering in the world that they needed to compete over. There's plenty to go around! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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