23 Bullet Points On the Grieving Train ...

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone

I've been off the board for a while as it was again getting too much.

I am going into the descent of grieving after (anyone who recalls) my fada sent

a letter saying there was a physical/emotional chill of separation that was now

between us...etc etc and he wondered how I felt about it....

I probably should not have taken the bait to repond but hope springs eternal so

I did respond...and since I responded there has now been utter silence from him

for 3 weeks. Which basically means he has cut me off permanently.

So BOOM! that's it.

the measly shreds of hope pinned onto Fada for being the tiny pinpricks of

positivity in my childhood are now extinguished. he has chosen Nada over me.

" Let the grieving commence " :

1.I have no parents.

2. I have never had any parents.

3. The people that were supposed to parent me never loved me.

4. They don't love me now, no matter what I do, am, be,...

5. They actively rejected me, my husband and my child.

6. I realise now that my childhood was utterly abnormal and miserable which I

survived, but only now I am able to see it as the abnormal abusive suffocating

cult-like poisonous emotionally bankrupt environment that it was.

7. My son will never have any grandparents and will have to learn for himself

what grandparents are like only if I can stay alive long enough to be a good

grandparent to his children.

8. My son has learnt early that blood is not thicker than water and that grown

ups can be evil and hurtful.

9. I grieve a future with no relationship with my parents or bada.

10. A future where any contact or news of the parents will be sickness and death

and funerals will all be torturous and nauseous and filled with FOG.

11. I grieve the loss of my true person that would have grown up differently in

a loving environment.

12. I grieve the lost opportunities that I walked away from as i was too numb,

scared, underconfident, unworthy, to take those chances.

13.I grieve the lost relationships that were sabotaged by the parents.

14. i grieve the lost interests that I was forbidden / disallowed to engage in,

and not develop my true potential.

15. I grieve the years spent in fear and panic.

16. I grieve the number of people I have hurt or confused just by being a

damaged person, without meaning to, without understanding.

17. I grieve the children I haven't had, out of fear of becoming a toxic parent

like my parents.

18. I grieve the youthful slim figure that my nada made me feel like a fat ugly

worthless freak.

19. I grieve the vast years of feeling like an outsider, a freak, a grey person.

20. I grieve that I have no relationships hardly with my brothers, one was so

young when I left home I abandoned him as I had to get away from them and still

feel guilty about that.

21. I grieve that I have so little emotional capacity to offer my DH and

gorgeous son who deserve so much more than I have to offer.

yet it's all I have to offer them,

and its a thousand percent more capacity that I walked away from nada and fada

with, 25 years ago.

22. I grieve all the lost years.

23. I grieve all the losses that I am still not even aware of yet but will be

revealed to me as i continue to heal.

[Guest guest]

Wow, I read that am although I have already gone through alot of that and am

happily living life on the other side most days, I too have been grieving all

the missed opportunities and sabotaged relationships that my BPD mom destroyed

or that I was too scared and lost at the time to realize what I had. been very

sad lately over a lost love I walked away from many years ago and never grieved

the lose of and 10 years later after seeing him it sent me into a tail spin. My

dad was manic depressive and when I was real little he tried his best and loved

me but my mom slowly destroyed everything about him so after awhile they just

fed hatred off each other. I learned awhile back that blood is not thicker than

water. Family is what you make of it. I have no blood family. Two bpd sisters

and a codependent sister with all their messed up kids have been cut out of my

life for good. Keep in mind you do have your husband and your child and that is

your family now but it very painful to realize what you have but and you have

alot to grieve there so it will take awhile but it does get better and believe

it or not there comes a day that you do not think of them that much anymore.

>

> Hi everyone

> I've been off the board for a while as it was again getting too much.

> I am going into the descent of grieving after (anyone who recalls) my fada

sent a letter saying there was a physical/emotional chill of separation that was

now between us...etc etc and he wondered how I felt about it....

> I probably should not have taken the bait to repond but hope springs eternal

so I did respond...and since I responded there has now been utter silence from

him for 3 weeks. Which basically means he has cut me off permanently.

>

> So BOOM! that's it.

> the measly shreds of hope pinned onto Fada for being the tiny pinpricks of

positivity in my childhood are now extinguished. he has chosen Nada over me.

>

> " Let the grieving commence " :

> 1.I have no parents.

> 2. I have never had any parents.

> 3. The people that were supposed to parent me never loved me.

> 4. They don't love me now, no matter what I do, am, be,...

> 5. They actively rejected me, my husband and my child.

> 6. I realise now that my childhood was utterly abnormal and miserable which I

survived, but only now I am able to see it as the abnormal abusive suffocating

cult-like poisonous emotionally bankrupt environment that it was.

> 7. My son will never have any grandparents and will have to learn for himself

what grandparents are like only if I can stay alive long enough to be a good

grandparent to his children.

> 8. My son has learnt early that blood is not thicker than water and that grown

ups can be evil and hurtful.

> 9. I grieve a future with no relationship with my parents or bada.

> 10. A future where any contact or news of the parents will be sickness and

death and funerals will all be torturous and nauseous and filled with FOG.

> 11. I grieve the loss of my true person that would have grown up differently

in a loving environment.

> 12. I grieve the lost opportunities that I walked away from as i was too numb,

scared, underconfident, unworthy, to take those chances.

> 13.I grieve the lost relationships that were sabotaged by the parents.

> 14. i grieve the lost interests that I was forbidden / disallowed to engage

in, and not develop my true potential.

> 15. I grieve the years spent in fear and panic.

> 16. I grieve the number of people I have hurt or confused just by being a

damaged person, without meaning to, without understanding.

> 17. I grieve the children I haven't had, out of fear of becoming a toxic

parent like my parents.

> 18. I grieve the youthful slim figure that my nada made me feel like a fat

ugly worthless freak.

> 19. I grieve the vast years of feeling like an outsider, a freak, a grey

person.

> 20. I grieve that I have no relationships hardly with my brothers, one was so

young when I left home I abandoned him as I had to get away from them and still

feel guilty about that.

> 21. I grieve that I have so little emotional capacity to offer my DH and

gorgeous son who deserve so much more than I have to offer.

> yet it's all I have to offer them,

> and its a thousand percent more capacity that I walked away from nada and fada

with, 25 years ago.

> 22. I grieve all the lost years.

> 23. I grieve all the losses that I am still not even aware of yet but will be

revealed to me as i continue to heal.

>

[Guest guest]

(((((RG)))))

I think its harder to be the rejected one, than the one doing the rejecting,

although they are both rather hideous. When your parents reject you grief is

normal, and we have to go through it, let it happen, in order to come out the

other side whole and healthy. So, let yourself grieve. My suggestion is that

if you find yourself stuck in deep grief, though, after a few weeks or so, to

consider seeing a therapist who specializes in grief counseling to help you find

your way through it.

-Annie

>

> Hi everyone

> I've been off the board for a while as it was again getting too much.

> I am going into the descent of grieving after (anyone who recalls) my fada

sent a letter saying there was a physical/emotional chill of separation that was

now between us...etc etc and he wondered how I felt about it....

> I probably should not have taken the bait to repond but hope springs eternal

so I did respond...and since I responded there has now been utter silence from

him for 3 weeks. Which basically means he has cut me off permanently.

>

> So BOOM! that's it.

> the measly shreds of hope pinned onto Fada for being the tiny pinpricks of

positivity in my childhood are now extinguished. he has chosen Nada over me.

>

> " Let the grieving commence " :

> 1.I have no parents.

> 2. I have never had any parents.

> 3. The people that were supposed to parent me never loved me.

> 4. They don't love me now, no matter what I do, am, be,...

> 5. They actively rejected me, my husband and my child.

> 6. I realise now that my childhood was utterly abnormal and miserable which I

survived, but only now I am able to see it as the abnormal abusive suffocating

cult-like poisonous emotionally bankrupt environment that it was.

> 7. My son will never have any grandparents and will have to learn for himself

what grandparents are like only if I can stay alive long enough to be a good

grandparent to his children.

> 8. My son has learnt early that blood is not thicker than water and that grown

ups can be evil and hurtful.

> 9. I grieve a future with no relationship with my parents or bada.

> 10. A future where any contact or news of the parents will be sickness and

death and funerals will all be torturous and nauseous and filled with FOG.

> 11. I grieve the loss of my true person that would have grown up differently

in a loving environment.

> 12. I grieve the lost opportunities that I walked away from as i was too numb,

scared, underconfident, unworthy, to take those chances.

> 13.I grieve the lost relationships that were sabotaged by the parents.

> 14. i grieve the lost interests that I was forbidden / disallowed to engage

in, and not develop my true potential.

> 15. I grieve the years spent in fear and panic.

> 16. I grieve the number of people I have hurt or confused just by being a

damaged person, without meaning to, without understanding.

> 17. I grieve the children I haven't had, out of fear of becoming a toxic

parent like my parents.

> 18. I grieve the youthful slim figure that my nada made me feel like a fat

ugly worthless freak.

> 19. I grieve the vast years of feeling like an outsider, a freak, a grey

person.

> 20. I grieve that I have no relationships hardly with my brothers, one was so

young when I left home I abandoned him as I had to get away from them and still

feel guilty about that.

> 21. I grieve that I have so little emotional capacity to offer my DH and

gorgeous son who deserve so much more than I have to offer.

> yet it's all I have to offer them,

> and its a thousand percent more capacity that I walked away from nada and fada

with, 25 years ago.

> 22. I grieve all the lost years.

> 23. I grieve all the losses that I am still not even aware of yet but will be

revealed to me as i continue to heal.

>

[Guest guest]

Wow, that is such an articulate and concise list! I'm so sorry for your grief,

I hope you can find your way through it as efficiently as possible.

((Hugs))

[Guest guest]

Wow, except for the bit about having a husband and child I really relate. I too

am really feeling the grief at the moment.

((Hugs)) to us all.

Nav

>

> Hi everyone

> I've been off the board for a while as it was again getting too much.

> I am going into the descent of grieving after (anyone who recalls) my fada

sent a letter saying there was a physical/emotional chill of separation that was

now between us...etc etc and he wondered how I felt about it....

> I probably should not have taken the bait to repond but hope springs eternal

so I did respond...and since I responded there has now been utter silence from

him for 3 weeks. Which basically means he has cut me off permanently.

>

> So BOOM! that's it.

> the measly shreds of hope pinned onto Fada for being the tiny pinpricks of

positivity in my childhood are now extinguished. he has chosen Nada over me.

>

> " Let the grieving commence " :

> 1.I have no parents.

> 2. I have never had any parents.

> 3. The people that were supposed to parent me never loved me.

> 4. They don't love me now, no matter what I do, am, be,...

> 5. They actively rejected me, my husband and my child.

> 6. I realise now that my childhood was utterly abnormal and miserable which I

survived, but only now I am able to see it as the abnormal abusive suffocating

cult-like poisonous emotionally bankrupt environment that it was.

> 7. My son will never have any grandparents and will have to learn for himself

what grandparents are like only if I can stay alive long enough to be a good

grandparent to his children.

> 8. My son has learnt early that blood is not thicker than water and that grown

ups can be evil and hurtful.

> 9. I grieve a future with no relationship with my parents or bada.

> 10. A future where any contact or news of the parents will be sickness and

death and funerals will all be torturous and nauseous and filled with FOG.

> 11. I grieve the loss of my true person that would have grown up differently

in a loving environment.

> 12. I grieve the lost opportunities that I walked away from as i was too numb,

scared, underconfident, unworthy, to take those chances.

> 13.I grieve the lost relationships that were sabotaged by the parents.

> 14. i grieve the lost interests that I was forbidden / disallowed to engage

in, and not develop my true potential.

> 15. I grieve the years spent in fear and panic.

> 16. I grieve the number of people I have hurt or confused just by being a

damaged person, without meaning to, without understanding.

> 17. I grieve the children I haven't had, out of fear of becoming a toxic

parent like my parents.

> 18. I grieve the youthful slim figure that my nada made me feel like a fat

ugly worthless freak.

> 19. I grieve the vast years of feeling like an outsider, a freak, a grey

person.

> 20. I grieve that I have no relationships hardly with my brothers, one was so

young when I left home I abandoned him as I had to get away from them and still

feel guilty about that.

> 21. I grieve that I have so little emotional capacity to offer my DH and

gorgeous son who deserve so much more than I have to offer.

> yet it's all I have to offer them,

> and its a thousand percent more capacity that I walked away from nada and fada

with, 25 years ago.

> 22. I grieve all the lost years.

> 23. I grieve all the losses that I am still not even aware of yet but will be

revealed to me as i continue to heal.

>

[Guest guest]

Rgbargy,

I second what Annie said.

And also,

Definitely always feel comfortable to come to the board and post and take

comfort in the fact that you are not alone! It's amazing to think how many of us

(children of BPs) have to deal with these losses. You're right--it really is

grief that we feel over the loss of parts of our childhood that continue to

affect us into adulthood.

The people who love you, really love you, (not the horrid, suffocating,

torturous, toxic " love " that is given by nadas and fadas) are there for you.

Blood is not thicker than water. That is truth.

- Cvidzz

>

> Hi everyone

> I've been off the board for a while as it was again getting too much.

> I am going into the descent of grieving after (anyone who recalls) my fada

sent a letter saying there was a physical/emotional chill of separation that was

now between us...etc etc and he wondered how I felt about it....

> I probably should not have taken the bait to repond but hope springs eternal

so I did respond...and since I responded there has now been utter silence from

him for 3 weeks. Which basically means he has cut me off permanently.

>

> So BOOM! that's it.

> the measly shreds of hope pinned onto Fada for being the tiny pinpricks of

positivity in my childhood are now extinguished. he has chosen Nada over me.

>

> " Let the grieving commence " :

> 1.I have no parents.

> 2. I have never had any parents.

> 3. The people that were supposed to parent me never loved me.

> 4. They don't love me now, no matter what I do, am, be,...

> 5. They actively rejected me, my husband and my child.

> 6. I realise now that my childhood was utterly abnormal and miserable which I

survived, but only now I am able to see it as the abnormal abusive suffocating

cult-like poisonous emotionally bankrupt environment that it was.

> 7. My son will never have any grandparents and will have to learn for himself

what grandparents are like only if I can stay alive long enough to be a good

grandparent to his children.

> 8. My son has learnt early that blood is not thicker than water and that grown

ups can be evil and hurtful.

> 9. I grieve a future with no relationship with my parents or bada.

> 10. A future where any contact or news of the parents will be sickness and

death and funerals will all be torturous and nauseous and filled with FOG.

> 11. I grieve the loss of my true person that would have grown up differently

in a loving environment.

> 12. I grieve the lost opportunities that I walked away from as i was too numb,

scared, underconfident, unworthy, to take those chances.

> 13.I grieve the lost relationships that were sabotaged by the parents.

> 14. i grieve the lost interests that I was forbidden / disallowed to engage

in, and not develop my true potential.

> 15. I grieve the years spent in fear and panic.

> 16. I grieve the number of people I have hurt or confused just by being a

damaged person, without meaning to, without understanding.

> 17. I grieve the children I haven't had, out of fear of becoming a toxic

parent like my parents.

> 18. I grieve the youthful slim figure that my nada made me feel like a fat

ugly worthless freak.

> 19. I grieve the vast years of feeling like an outsider, a freak, a grey

person.

> 20. I grieve that I have no relationships hardly with my brothers, one was so

young when I left home I abandoned him as I had to get away from them and still

feel guilty about that.

> 21. I grieve that I have so little emotional capacity to offer my DH and

gorgeous son who deserve so much more than I have to offer.

> yet it's all I have to offer them,

> and its a thousand percent more capacity that I walked away from nada and fada

with, 25 years ago.

> 22. I grieve all the lost years.

> 23. I grieve all the losses that I am still not even aware of yet but will be

revealed to me as i continue to heal.

>

[Guest guest]

Maybe I can help put a caboose on this train.

Since posting last time, I have been NC for

about a week. Already got the phonecall about

how useless I am to her. Ok. Did'nt bite though.

I deleted instead.

And amazing clarity comes with separation. Does

anyone else experience this?

Clarity that says ...even if I'm only with one

man, have no kids, no in laws, no friends these

days.... even if....

IT " S MY LIFE. and I CAN DO SOMETHING ELSE.

Fellow Ozians, the clarity helps me realize just

how many good things are in this life, and

opportunities to make life better.

I know it sounds cheezie if you are experiencing

grief and sadness...but in time when the bpd

cloud passes...you too can have that clarity

of mind. I'm nobody special. Just another

Ozian. And if you have God in your Oz,....

what a difference it makes.

> >

> > Hi everyone

> > I've been off the board for a while as it was again getting too much.

> > I am going into the descent of grieving after (anyone who recalls) my fada

sent a letter saying there was a physical/emotional chill of separation that was

now between us...etc etc and he wondered how I felt about it....

> > I probably should not have taken the bait to repond but hope springs eternal

so I did respond...and since I responded there has now been utter silence from

him for 3 weeks. Which basically means he has cut me off permanently.

> >

> > So BOOM! that's it.

> > the measly shreds of hope pinned onto Fada for being the tiny pinpricks of

positivity in my childhood are now extinguished. he has chosen Nada over me.

> >

> > " Let the grieving commence " :

> > 1.I have no parents.

> > 2. I have never had any parents.

> > 3. The people that were supposed to parent me never loved me.

> > 4. They don't love me now, no matter what I do, am, be,...

> > 5. They actively rejected me, my husband and my child.

> > 6. I realise now that my childhood was utterly abnormal and miserable which

I survived, but only now I am able to see it as the abnormal abusive suffocating

cult-like poisonous emotionally bankrupt environment that it was.

> > 7. My son will never have any grandparents and will have to learn for

himself what grandparents are like only if I can stay alive long enough to be a

good grandparent to his children.

> > 8. My son has learnt early that blood is not thicker than water and that

grown ups can be evil and hurtful.

> > 9. I grieve a future with no relationship with my parents or bada.

> > 10. A future where any contact or news of the parents will be sickness and

death and funerals will all be torturous and nauseous and filled with FOG.

> > 11. I grieve the loss of my true person that would have grown up differently

in a loving environment.

> > 12. I grieve the lost opportunities that I walked away from as i was too

numb, scared, underconfident, unworthy, to take those chances.

> > 13.I grieve the lost relationships that were sabotaged by the parents.

> > 14. i grieve the lost interests that I was forbidden / disallowed to engage

in, and not develop my true potential.

> > 15. I grieve the years spent in fear and panic.

> > 16. I grieve the number of people I have hurt or confused just by being a

damaged person, without meaning to, without understanding.

> > 17. I grieve the children I haven't had, out of fear of becoming a toxic

parent like my parents.

> > 18. I grieve the youthful slim figure that my nada made me feel like a fat

ugly worthless freak.

> > 19. I grieve the vast years of feeling like an outsider, a freak, a grey

person.

> > 20. I grieve that I have no relationships hardly with my brothers, one was

so young when I left home I abandoned him as I had to get away from them and

still feel guilty about that.

> > 21. I grieve that I have so little emotional capacity to offer my DH and

gorgeous son who deserve so much more than I have to offer.

> > yet it's all I have to offer them,

> > and its a thousand percent more capacity that I walked away from nada and

fada with, 25 years ago.

> > 22. I grieve all the lost years.

> > 23. I grieve all the losses that I am still not even aware of yet but will

be revealed to me as i continue to heal.

> >

>