I feel very alone and lost

[Guest guest]

I am a middle aged woman who cut ties with my awful family. (3 years ago) My

mom, brother, step dad, and real dad were all abusive, most bpd and narcisstic.

I am so heartbroken. I broke off from them for 8 years, then a phone call from

my mom drew me back in for even more horrible abuse. It took me years to finally

leave again, but this time I'm done. There is NO love for me there. I am so mad

and sad that I can't have a family. No one in my family is healthy! I have a

great hubby, but we currently live in a very small town, so I've nothing to do

but ruminate over the past. I have begged him to move us, so I can 'begin' my

new life, but his career is very specialized, and the opportunities are slim at

best. I'm not sure if counseling would help. I am under a psych care. I had too,

the drugs are keeping me alive! Thank God! Any advice, support, or similar

stories to share? Thanks for reading.

[Guest guest]

Welcom - yes, look for a T, the drugs are not enough. I have much experience

with the drugs. Is your husband the only one that can " move you? " I'm

worried you are giving away your power.

On Mon, Mar 28, 2011 at 8:29 PM, imentitledtoovercome <

imentitledtoovercome@...> wrote:

>

>

> I am a middle aged woman who cut ties with my awful family. (3 years ago)

> My mom, brother, step dad, and real dad were all abusive, most bpd and

> narcisstic. I am so heartbroken. I broke off from them for 8 years, then a

> phone call from my mom drew me back in for even more horrible abuse. It took

> me years to finally leave again, but this time I'm done. There is NO love

> for me there. I am so mad and sad that I can't have a family. No one in my

> family is healthy! I have a great hubby, but we currently live in a very

> small town, so I've nothing to do but ruminate over the past. I have begged

> him to move us, so I can 'begin' my new life, but his career is very

> specialized, and the opportunities are slim at best. I'm not sure if

> counseling would help. I am under a psych care. I had too, the drugs are

> keeping me alive! Thank God! Any advice, support, or similar stories to

> share? Thanks for reading.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

It is very hard to cut all ties with the blood relatives and the other toxic

people in our lives. I applaud you. You have choosen to save yourself. I would

suggest a theropist who specializes in treating personality disorders and their

family members. I would call up the theropist and ask them if they treat bpd's

that way you know that the theropist is familiar with bpd and can help the

family memebers.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I cut out all the toxic people over the

past 6 years, blood relatives and a few friends. It is very hard for awhile but

once you go through the theropy it is SOoo much better on the other side without

them. We have to make our families. I would suggest maybe you volunteer or do

you work? anything to get you out of the house to keep your mind busy. You know

it is funny, people that haven't had a bad childhood do not understand that

there are some parents that are not capable of love. They think because they

gave birth to us or donated the sperm that they love us. The reason I post here

is because all of you out there know what it is like. You are not alone and your

not lost, your just finding your way and you are brave.

I have already been through all this pain that you are going through.

It is very rough but get the theropy and you will work through it and please

believe me when I say, if you get the help to work through all this, there will

come a day that it does not hurt and you will have peace and happiness in your

soul. You will still have a bad day once in awhile but not too often. Funny

thing, I am from Pittsburgh and everytime the Steelers make it to the playoffs,

I miss my sisters so bad. We grew up in Steelers Nation, big fans and we had fun

with it and I had to cut all 3 out. Two are borderlines and one is codependent

and refuses to get help. My bpd mom is dead and my dad is also passed. I lost

them all and my heart goes out to.

Smly

>

> I am a middle aged woman who cut ties with my awful family. (3 years ago) My

mom, brother, step dad, and real dad were all abusive, most bpd and narcisstic.

I am so heartbroken. I broke off from them for 8 years, then a phone call from

my mom drew me back in for even more horrible abuse. It took me years to finally

leave again, but this time I'm done. There is NO love for me there. I am so mad

and sad that I can't have a family. No one in my family is healthy! I have a

great hubby, but we currently live in a very small town, so I've nothing to do

but ruminate over the past. I have begged him to move us, so I can 'begin' my

new life, but his career is very specialized, and the opportunities are slim at

best. I'm not sure if counseling would help. I am under a psych care. I had too,

the drugs are keeping me alive! Thank God! Any advice, support, or similar

stories to share? Thanks for reading.

>

[Guest guest]

Welcome to the Group.

I found it true that once you decide that you don't want all that drama in your

life, and you won't tolerate all that abuse any more and you cut ties, it

becomes clear that a HELL of a lot of time and attention was taken up with

dealing with it: worrying about abuse and drama, dreading it, enduring it and

recovering from it.

My speculation is that right now, you are going through a mourning and grieving

period, as though an actual death has occurred. That's what it felt like to me,

in a way, when I went virtually No Contact with my bpd/npd mother. Its normal

to grieve, and it takes time. But sometimes we can get stuck in the grief

instead of passing through it. Perhaps your therapist can help you with this,

so you can grieve very deeply and thereby gain a sense of closure.

Then hope you can come to view this new thing in your life, this free time you

now have... as a gift.

Even very small towns usually have a jr. college or a community center that

offer adult ed classes in various subjects. Taking a class in something you

find interesting will not only give you a new skill to enjoy, you'll meet new

people. Volunteer work is good too, and is a wonderful gift you can give to

others.

You are right: too much time alone is conducive to ruminating which can make

feeling depressed worse. From what I've read, making yourself be active is the

antidote.

The gift of free time is rare and precious thing. Its almost magical. I hope

you will grow to use it to bring joy to yourself and to others.

-Annie

>

> I am a middle aged woman who cut ties with my awful family. (3 years ago) My

mom, brother, step dad, and real dad were all abusive, most bpd and narcisstic.

I am so heartbroken. I broke off from them for 8 years, then a phone call from

my mom drew me back in for even more horrible abuse. It took me years to finally

leave again, but this time I'm done. There is NO love for me there. I am so mad

and sad that I can't have a family. No one in my family is healthy! I have a

great hubby, but we currently live in a very small town, so I've nothing to do

but ruminate over the past. I have begged him to move us, so I can 'begin' my

new life, but his career is very specialized, and the opportunities are slim at

best. I'm not sure if counseling would help. I am under a psych care. I had too,

the drugs are keeping me alive! Thank God! Any advice, support, or similar

stories to share? Thanks for reading.

>

[Guest guest]

I have found a new family at church; I've also learned that " Honor your

mother & father " does not mean to tolerate abuse but to allow them to live

their life the way they want, and for you to live your life your way. You

can love them without having to be around them or have them place judgement

and/or conditions on you. First I had to learn how to say " no " , and then I

had to learn to make my boundaries clear. If they don't adhere to your

boundaries, then NC is probably necessary.

Laurie

In a message dated 3/29/2011 7:30:34 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

imentitledtoovercome@... writes:

I am a middle aged woman who cut ties with my awful family. (3 years ago)

My mom, brother, step dad, and real dad were all abusive, most bpd and

narcisstic. I am so heartbroken. I broke off from them for 8 years, then a

phone call from my mom drew me back in for even more horrible abuse. It took me

years to finally leave again, but this time I'm done. There is NO love for

me there. I am so mad and sad that I can't have a family. No one in my

family is healthy! I have a great hubby, but we currently live in a very small

town, so I've nothing to do but ruminate over the past. I have begged him

to move us, so I can 'begin' my new life, but his career is very

specialized, and the opportunities are slim at best. I'm not sure if counseling

would

help. I am under a psych care. I had too, the drugs are keeping me alive!

Thank God! Any advice, support, or similar stories to share? Thanks for

reading.

[Guest guest]

Annie, you're the bomb! Love the way you view things. I agree there is

a " grieving " period, BUT you must go thru it, then pass thru it.

Laurie

In a message dated 3/29/2011 11:48:56 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

anuria-67854@... writes:

Welcome to the Group.

I found it true that once you decide that you don't want all that drama in

your life, and you won't tolerate all that abuse any more and you cut

ties, it becomes clear that a HELL of a lot of time and attention was taken up

with dealing with it: worrying about abuse and drama, dreading it, enduring

it and recovering from it.

My speculation is that right now, you are going through a mourning and

grieving period, as though an actual death has occurred. That's what it felt

like to me, in a way, when I went virtually No Contact with my bpd/npd

mother. Its normal to grieve, and it takes time. But sometimes we can get stuck

in the grief instead of passing through it. Perhaps your therapist can help

you with this, so you can grieve very deeply and thereby gain a sense of

closure.

Then hope you can come to view this new thing in your life, this free time

you now have... as a gift.

Even very small towns usually have a jr. college or a community center

that offer adult ed classes in various subjects. Taking a class in something

you find interesting will not only give you a new skill to enjoy, you'll meet

new people. Volunteer work is good too, and is a wonderful gift you can

give to others.

You are right: too much time alone is conducive to ruminating which can

make feeling depressed worse. From what I've read, making yourself be active

is the antidote.

The gift of free time is rare and precious thing. Its almost magical. I

hope you will grow to use it to bring joy to yourself and to others.

-Annie

>

> I am a middle aged woman who cut ties with my awful family. (3 years

ago) My mom, brother, step dad, and real dad were all abusive, most bpd and

narcisstic. I am so heartbroken. I broke off from them for 8 years, then a

phone call from my mom drew me back in for even more horrible abuse. It took

me years to finally leave again, but this time I'm done. There is NO love

for me there. I am so mad and sad that I can't have a family. No one in my

family is healthy! I have a great hubby, but we currently live in a very

small town, so I've nothing to do but ruminate over the past. I have begged

him to move us, so I can 'begin' my new life, but his career is very

specialized, and the opportunities are slim at best. I'm not sure if counseling

would help. I am under a psych care. I had too, the drugs are keeping me

alive! Thank God! Any advice, support, or similar stories to share? Thanks for

reading.

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for all the wonderful support! I am still grieving. I have good and bad

days. I have thought about volunteering, but the social anxiety I have has kept

me a virtual hermit. I have had several instances lately that exacerbated the

problem.

I got ran off the road by a road rager. I had to lock myself in my car so she

wouldn't beat me up! (and no, I did NOTHING to cause this at all)The police did

NOTHING!

I asked a mom to please 'show some decorum' as her children were running into

my chair, screaming, throwing things, ect, in a restaurant, and the mom, dad,

and grandma all ganged up on me and called me horrible names, threatened me, and

the grandma actually parked her car across the street from the restaurant,

pacing back and forth like a wild animal, waiting for me to leave! Yes, the cops

were called and I pressed charges, but it terrified me! I am scared to ever go

anywhere now! I want to move so bad!

[Guest guest]

I can really relate to how you feel. If you have social anxiety, you would still

have it wherever you moved to. Best to bloom where you are planted, I think,

Healing is available anywhere.

As for the crazy situations you describe, I understand. Recently, I have also

had several situations where people did not act in polite ways, the police did

not act to protect me, and a store manager stole money from my refund. I don't

know why these types of situations seem to happen to people who are already

traumatized. I wonder if predators and crazy people see when someone is weak

and they pounce like animals of prey. There is also this idea that when we are

traumatized we get into more traumatizing situations until we can learn better

boundary skills. I don't know. Christians would say that when we move towards

God, the Devil gets active. Whether these explanations are right, suffice to

say that you are not alone in what you are experiencing.

I do feel your pain though. I am also going through this rough time where I

keep finding myself in really distressing situations, almost every day. What I

can control is how much I put myself out there. I am trying to do less, and take

care of myself, be gentle with myself. It's so overwhelming sometimes, I know.

Can you open up to your hubby about your feelings? how does he see the

situations you experienced?

It is hard to be weak with all kinds of predators around. Those people in the

restaurant are wierd, they are not modelling to their children how to be polite

at all. And the police not acting in a manner that is satisfactory to you; can

you complain to their supervisor about why you are not satisfied?

I think sometimes when we are faced with difficult people, we are called upon to

hold them accountable. I wish more people had held my nada accountable.

Hope this helps, I understand how hard this is.

WTH.

>

> I am a middle aged woman who cut ties with my awful family. (3 years ago) My

mom, brother, step dad, and real dad were all abusive, most bpd and narcisstic.

I am so heartbroken. I broke off from them for 8 years, then a phone call from

my mom drew me back in for even more horrible abuse. It took me years to finally

leave again, but this time I'm done. There is NO love for me there. I am so mad

and sad that I can't have a family. No one in my family is healthy! I have a

great hubby, but we currently live in a very small town, so I've nothing to do

but ruminate over the past. I have begged him to move us, so I can 'begin' my

new life, but his career is very specialized, and the opportunities are slim at

best. I'm not sure if counseling would help. I am under a psych care. I had too,

the drugs are keeping me alive! Thank God! Any advice, support, or similar

stories to share? Thanks for reading.

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, I can relate too. I have recently broke ties my family. It's hard. I

grew up believing that no matter how sick the family was, you had to stay no

matter what. I no longer believe this. Sometimes, we can't have the mom, dad

and sibilings that we need and sometimes we have to go somewhere else for that

support. I have found mine through my extended family, friends and church.Â

Sue

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Wed, March 30, 2011 10:11:35 AM

Subject: Re: I feel very alone and lost

Â

I can really relate to how you feel. If you have social anxiety, you would still

have it wherever you moved to. Best to bloom where you are planted, I think,

Healing is available anywhere.

As for the crazy situations you describe, I understand. Recently, I have also

had several situations where people did not act in polite ways, the police did

not act to protect me, and a store manager stole money from my refund. I don't

know why these types of situations seem to happen to people who are already

traumatized. I wonder if predators and crazy people see when someone is weak and

they pounce like animals of prey. There is also this idea that when we are

traumatized we get into more traumatizing situations until we can learn better

boundary skills. I don't know. Christians would say that when we move towards

God, the Devil gets active. Whether these explanations are right, suffice to say

that you are not alone in what you are experiencing.

I do feel your pain though. I am also going through this rough time where I keep

finding myself in really distressing situations, almost every day. What I can

control is how much I put myself out there. I am trying to do less, and take

care of myself, be gentle with myself. It's so overwhelming sometimes, I know.

Can you open up to your hubby about your feelings? how does he see the

situations you experienced?

It is hard to be weak with all kinds of predators around. Those people in the

restaurant are wierd, they are not modelling to their children how to be polite

at all. And the police not acting in a manner that is satisfactory to you; can

you complain to their supervisor about why you are not satisfied?

I think sometimes when we are faced with difficult people, we are called upon to

hold them accountable. I wish more people had held my nada accountable.

Hope this helps, I understand how hard this is.

WTH.

>

> I am a middle aged woman who cut ties with my awful family. (3 years ago) My

>mom, brother, step dad, and real dad were all abusive, most bpd and narcisstic.

>I am so heartbroken. I broke off from them for 8 years, then a phone call from

>my mom drew me back in for even more horrible abuse. It took me years to

finally

>leave again, but this time I'm done. There is NO love for me there. I am so mad

>and sad that I can't have a family. No one in my family is healthy! I have a

>great hubby, but we currently live in a very small town, so I've nothing to do

>but ruminate over the past. I have begged him to move us, so I can 'begin' my

>new life, but his career is very specialized, and the opportunities are slim at

>best. I'm not sure if counseling would help. I am under a psych care. I had

too,

>the drugs are keeping me alive! Thank God! Any advice, support, or similar

>stories to share? Thanks for reading.

>

[Guest guest]

Overcome,

I think your email " handle " is very beautiful, and prophetic: you WILL overcome.

You'll find support and understanding here on this board. I bet most of the

people here on this board would say they've had to surround themselves with a

new family, because their biological family is abusive and toxic.

Could you join a support or recovery group at a hospital or a church? (And I say

" recovery " because sometimes you'll find kindred spirits in groups like

Codependents Anonymous. Even though that my not exactly be your issue, you'll

find people there who don't feel " safe " in their own familiies.)

Hugs,

Fiona

>

> I am a middle aged woman who cut ties with my awful family. (3 years ago) My

mom, brother, step dad, and real dad were all abusive, most bpd and narcisstic.

I am so heartbroken. I broke off from them for 8 years, then a phone call from

my mom drew me back in for even more horrible abuse. It took me years to finally

leave again, but this time I'm done. There is NO love for me there. I am so mad

and sad that I can't have a family. No one in my family is healthy! I have a

great hubby, but we currently live in a very small town, so I've nothing to do

but ruminate over the past. I have begged him to move us, so I can 'begin' my

new life, but his career is very specialized, and the opportunities are slim at

best. I'm not sure if counseling would help. I am under a psych care. I had too,

the drugs are keeping me alive! Thank God! Any advice, support, or similar

stories to share? Thanks for reading.

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks! The name is a title to a new Creed song that really touched me. I am

trying to start some new hobbies. I am more peaceful these days. You guys are

all so wonderful! If the world was filled with just folks like you, we'd all be

healthy and happy! Gods blessings!

[Guest guest]

Sue,

I have recently been so desperate as to remove myself from communication with my

mother and sister, even though I live on an adjoining farmland with my mother,

brother, and sister. The family dynamic, orchestrated by my mother, has become

so toxic that it was impossible to survive any longer, and still be a calm

influence within my own household. But now that I have removed myself, everyone

has retaliated in amazingly cruel ways. How have you been managing with your

broken ties? Do you find yourself ruminating on the situation, having problems

with the hopelessness and sadness of it all, even though I am almost fifty and

should have figured out how to deal with the craziness by now.

> >

> > I am a middle aged woman who cut ties with my awful family. (3 years ago) My

> >mom, brother, step dad, and real dad were all abusive, most bpd and

narcisstic.

> >I am so heartbroken. I broke off from them for 8 years, then a phone call

from

> >my mom drew me back in for even more horrible abuse. It took me years to

finally

> >leave again, but this time I'm done. There is NO love for me there. I am so

mad

> >and sad that I can't have a family. No one in my family is healthy! I have a

> >great hubby, but we currently live in a very small town, so I've nothing to

do

> >but ruminate over the past. I have begged him to move us, so I can 'begin' my

> >new life, but his career is very specialized, and the opportunities are slim

at

> >best. I'm not sure if counseling would help. I am under a psych care. I had

too,

> >the drugs are keeping me alive! Thank God! Any advice, support, or similar

> >stories to share? Thanks for reading.

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>