FOO cutting off contact with grandma

[Guest guest]

If you recall from my last email about my siblings, my grandma is a longtime

family friend who has become like a grandparent--a really really wonderful

grandma.

She and I keep in touch by email, and a few days ago she wrote me saying that my

parents have been avoiding her calls. She tried to call for Sister#2's birthday

twice, leaving a message, but they never replied. She sends periodic emails, and

she says they're not responding like they used to.

Now, my grandma never spoke with them about me unless they brought it up (which

to my knowledge they haven't--better to pretend I never existed.) She's been

walking on eggshells and playing the game--just so she could be there for my

siblings. She's followed their rules. She's been part of my mom's life longer

than my mom has known my dad. She's tried to help my mom, gently, move past the

fact that my mom's parents were crazy. She always calls on our birthdays and

major holidays, and sends cards. We see her every summer--if we didn't go to her

state, she came and visited us, staying in a hotel, playing according to Dad's

ever changing rules. And we've always, always answered her phone calls, or

called back as soon as we got home. So the fact that they are actually ignoring

her calls was disturbing--hence why my grandma emailed me about her worry.

And now it feels like they're starting the process of disowning her. Or at least

going LC. A week or so ago, she emailed my parents asking when would be a

convenient time for her to visit them this summer. Then last night she got an

email back, and forwarded it to me.

" Our schedule is very full and constantly changing as you can probably guess;

unfortunately we are just not able to accommodate any visits because of it. We

do hope you have a good, restful summer. "

That's how my mom ended the very superficial email. And knowing how things

always go, my dad probably raged and issued an ultimatum that grandma is never

to visit again, and left it up to my mom to be the messenger. She always is the

messenger.

As my husband said, " Poppycock and lies. " My grandma is smart and knows how to

read between the lines on what is seemingly an innocent email. She told me that

she cried ever since getting that email. " I think it is more than avoiding us.

I expect it pretty much means never. "

Man, it felt so painful--seeing my grandma going through the whole disowning

part, too. I cried so hard, and I wish I was with her now so we can cry

together.

So, that's one fewer sane relatives in contact with my siblings. I sent a FB

message to my cousin, telling her about my grandma and asking if her mom (my

dad's sister) was still in contact with them, and she said she'd find out.

And my grandma will be calling my mom's brother and his family to discuss fada.

My uncle lives only 3 hours away from my family, and visits several times a

year, so they're the ones with the best chance of making sure my siblings are

okay.

It just fucking hurts. And it's got to hurt worse for my grandma. It's been

what, 25, 30 years she's known my mom?

well, DH and I will be seeing her this summer if we can get travel plans

together, so I still have her and she still has us. At least there's that.

meh, thanks for listening to my venting. DH has been so supportive, he and the

inlaws. <3

Holly

[Guest guest]

((((HUGS)))) Holly. I am so so very sorry.

I can't imagine the pain you must be going through worrying about your siblings.

Sounds like you indeed have a sweetheart of a grandma. You will both be a great

comfort to each other.

Much love.

>

> If you recall from my last email about my siblings, my grandma is a longtime

family friend who has become like a grandparent--a really really wonderful

grandma.

>

> She and I keep in touch by email, and a few days ago she wrote me saying that

my parents have been avoiding her calls. She tried to call for Sister#2's

birthday twice, leaving a message, but they never replied. She sends periodic

emails, and she says they're not responding like they used to.

>

> Now, my grandma never spoke with them about me unless they brought it up

(which to my knowledge they haven't--better to pretend I never existed.) She's

been walking on eggshells and playing the game--just so she could be there for

my siblings. She's followed their rules. She's been part of my mom's life longer

than my mom has known my dad. She's tried to help my mom, gently, move past the

fact that my mom's parents were crazy. She always calls on our birthdays and

major holidays, and sends cards. We see her every summer--if we didn't go to her

state, she came and visited us, staying in a hotel, playing according to Dad's

ever changing rules. And we've always, always answered her phone calls, or

called back as soon as we got home. So the fact that they are actually ignoring

her calls was disturbing--hence why my grandma emailed me about her worry.

>

> And now it feels like they're starting the process of disowning her. Or at

least going LC. A week or so ago, she emailed my parents asking when would be a

convenient time for her to visit them this summer. Then last night she got an

email back, and forwarded it to me.

>

> " Our schedule is very full and constantly changing as you can probably guess;

unfortunately we are just not able to accommodate any visits because of it. We

do hope you have a good, restful summer. "

>

> That's how my mom ended the very superficial email. And knowing how things

always go, my dad probably raged and issued an ultimatum that grandma is never

to visit again, and left it up to my mom to be the messenger. She always is the

messenger.

>

> As my husband said, " Poppycock and lies. " My grandma is smart and knows how to

read between the lines on what is seemingly an innocent email. She told me that

she cried ever since getting that email. " I think it is more than avoiding us.

I expect it pretty much means never. "

>

> Man, it felt so painful--seeing my grandma going through the whole disowning

part, too. I cried so hard, and I wish I was with her now so we can cry

together.

>

> So, that's one fewer sane relatives in contact with my siblings. I sent a FB

message to my cousin, telling her about my grandma and asking if her mom (my

dad's sister) was still in contact with them, and she said she'd find out.

>

> And my grandma will be calling my mom's brother and his family to discuss

fada. My uncle lives only 3 hours away from my family, and visits several times

a year, so they're the ones with the best chance of making sure my siblings are

okay.

>

> It just fucking hurts. And it's got to hurt worse for my grandma. It's been

what, 25, 30 years she's known my mom?

>

> well, DH and I will be seeing her this summer if we can get travel plans

together, so I still have her and she still has us. At least there's that.

>

> meh, thanks for listening to my venting. DH has been so supportive, he and the

inlaws. <3

>

> Holly

>

[Guest guest]

Holly that's just awful! I'm so sorry for you and your grandma and your

siblings. Your posts about the siblings kinda reminds me of those documentaries

on TV about those crazy cults that keep all their women and children hidden in a

compound or something. That's what your fada comes across as in your posts- a

freaking cult leader.

Jeeze, makes me want to call the FBI and have them busted!

((Hugs))

[Guest guest]

That's a very accurate description--it's like a cult, with my fada as the

cult leader. That's why I'm so angry about the fact my siblings are being

homeschooled--it just compounds the whole matter.

I have an older brother who lives with his wife not far from home, but sadly

he's still brainwashed/drinking the Koolaid. So he's not of help. He'd also

disowned me, too, in a letter that sounds like it was written by fada.

I called CPS months ago, and I'm going to try to encourage my grandma to do

the same now. Maybe that's what's making my fada and nada restrict access to

the outside world, controlled by fada--maybe CPS had visited them and now

they're reacting like this.

All the more reason for CPS to stay involved.

I just feel like raging, and feeling like this just compounds a problem I'm

having at work with a coworker who's trying to gaslight and is acting

hostile toward me and the students we supervise. I upset her somehow, and

now she's giving me the silent treatment, and when I confronted her, she

denied it. I'm so freaking angry at her, at fada, at bada, at nada....so sad

and everything.

I need to go for a run to run this aggression out, because I just yelled our

kitten who has been meowing non-stop. ANd now I feel guilty about that too.

Thanks for all your support, everyone.

>

>

> Holly that's just awful! I'm so sorry for you and your grandma and your

> siblings. Your posts about the siblings kinda reminds me of those

> documentaries on TV about those crazy cults that keep all their women and

> children hidden in a compound or something. That's what your fada comes

> across as in your posts- a freaking cult leader.

>

> Jeeze, makes me want to call the FBI and have them busted!

>

> ((Hugs))

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Holly, I would encourage you to keep in constant contact with CPS.

Get the name of who you talk to and ask to speak with that person every time you

call.

They get so many calls daily and the squeaky wheel gets the oil. You may already

be doing this but keep a log, record when you call them and who you spoke to.

Any information you or your grandmother get about your fada or siblings, pass it

on to them. Try and get in contact with a social worker. When they hear from you

regularly, you will keep drawing attention to their file, and hopefully keep

them making regular unannounced visits to the house.

How old are your siblings?

Strength, love, and prayers for you.

>

> >

> >

> > Holly that's just awful! I'm so sorry for you and your grandma and your

> > siblings. Your posts about the siblings kinda reminds me of those

> > documentaries on TV about those crazy cults that keep all their women and

> > children hidden in a compound or something. That's what your fada comes

> > across as in your posts- a freaking cult leader.

> >

> > Jeeze, makes me want to call the FBI and have them busted!

> >

> > ((Hugs))

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Aw Holly, that is really sad. I'm so sorry to hear that your FOO is doing

this to your grandma. I'm glad you made it clear to her that you still want

to be part of her life and that you guys are going to try & go visit her. I

think that's wonderful & will do a lot to help heal both of your broken

hearts.

So sorry Holly. *HUGS*

Mia

[Guest guest]

Thanks, big sister--I've encouraged my grandma to call CPS, telling her that

it would hopefully help my siblings. I doubt the little ones would be

removed from the home, but maybe CPS will make mandatory counseling and make

it mandatory for hte kids to go to public or even parochial school (since

we're Catholic.) I think the state can withdraw the homeschool

certification. Or refuse to issue it for the fall. Great advice about the

CPS, though. I will have to call again soon--that's pretty much the only

recourse I have right now for my siblings.

I'm 23,

Brother #1 is 21, lives in an apt with his new wife. He's

brainwashed/drinking the koolaid. So as grandma said, he's of no help.

Sister #1 is 13 later this month. No chance of her getting FB, though,

'cause that's too big of a risk for fada, I'm sure.

Brother #2 is going to be 12 in June. He's hard of hearing, like me.

Sister #2 just turned 9.

Brother #3 is 7 1/2 years old. He'll be 8 in July.

I'll see what grandma thinks of calling CPS. If she's afraid, I will call

for her.

>

>

> Holly, I would encourage you to keep in constant contact with CPS.

>

> Get the name of who you talk to and ask to speak with that person every

> time you call.

> They get so many calls daily and the squeaky wheel gets the oil. You may

> already be doing this but keep a log, record when you call them and who you

> spoke to.

>

> Any information you or your grandmother get about your fada or siblings,

> pass it on to them. Try and get in contact with a social worker. When they

> hear from you regularly, you will keep drawing attention to their file, and

> hopefully keep them making regular unannounced visits to the house.

>

> How old are your siblings?

>

> Strength, love, and prayers for you.

>

>

>

> >

> > >

> > >

> > > Holly that's just awful! I'm so sorry for you and your grandma and your

> > > siblings. Your posts about the siblings kinda reminds me of those

> > > documentaries on TV about those crazy cults that keep all their women

> and

> > > children hidden in a compound or something. That's what your fada comes

> > > across as in your posts- a freaking cult leader.

> > >

> > > Jeeze, makes me want to call the FBI and have them busted!

> > >

> > > ((Hugs))

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

With all this crap from my family alone, I feel like I need to go to

counseling again. Of course the crap I'm getting at work with this one

coworker doesn't help. I haven't been to counseling in several months

because I wasn't feeling ready to relive the memories. But the raw emotions

are coming up again anyway, and it sucks.

I still feel afraid of reliving memories, but I do know I need to learn some

skills to put in my toolbox in order to handle life and work better. I know

it's like a shot. Painful, but necessary and will make me healthier in the

long run.

The memories don't always come up during the sessions I found, but I would

get nightmares. And I'm getting nightmares again anyway, so might as well

go.

Does anybody have any good suggestions or tips on how to make counseling,

well, less sucky? I hope it would get better in the long run, kind of like

getting in shape is easier as time goes on, but the initial sessions...blah.

I'm feeling such a weird mix of emotions right now and I hate it.

Holly

On Sat, Apr 2, 2011 at 9:28 AM, Holly Byers wrote:

> Thanks, big sister--I've encouraged my grandma to call CPS, telling her

> that it would hopefully help my siblings. I doubt the little ones would be

> removed from the home, but maybe CPS will make mandatory counseling and make

> it mandatory for hte kids to go to public or even parochial school (since

> we're Catholic.) I think the state can withdraw the homeschool

> certification. Or refuse to issue it for the fall. Great advice about the

> CPS, though. I will have to call again soon--that's pretty much the only

> recourse I have right now for my siblings.

>

> I'm 23,

> Brother #1 is 21, lives in an apt with his new wife. He's

> brainwashed/drinking the koolaid. So as grandma said, he's of no help.

>

> Sister #1 is 13 later this month. No chance of her getting FB, though,

> 'cause that's too big of a risk for fada, I'm sure.

> Brother #2 is going to be 12 in June. He's hard of hearing, like me.

> Sister #2 just turned 9.

> Brother #3 is 7 1/2 years old. He'll be 8 in July.

>

> I'll see what grandma thinks of calling CPS. If she's afraid, I will call

> for her.

>

>

>

>

>>

>>

>> Holly, I would encourage you to keep in constant contact with CPS.

>>

>> Get the name of who you talk to and ask to speak with that person every

>> time you call.

>> They get so many calls daily and the squeaky wheel gets the oil. You may

>> already be doing this but keep a log, record when you call them and who you

>> spoke to.

>>

>> Any information you or your grandmother get about your fada or siblings,

>> pass it on to them. Try and get in contact with a social worker. When they

>> hear from you regularly, you will keep drawing attention to their file, and

>> hopefully keep them making regular unannounced visits to the house.

>>

>> How old are your siblings?

>>

>> Strength, love, and prayers for you.

>>

>>

>>

>> >

>> > >

>> > >

>> > > Holly that's just awful! I'm so sorry for you and your grandma and

>> your

>> > > siblings. Your posts about the siblings kinda reminds me of those

>> > > documentaries on TV about those crazy cults that keep all their women

>> and

>> > > children hidden in a compound or something. That's what your fada

>> comes

>> > > across as in your posts- a freaking cult leader.

>> > >

>> > > Jeeze, makes me want to call the FBI and have them busted!

>> > >

>> > > ((Hugs))

>> > >

>> > >

>> > >

>> >

>> >

>> >