It ends here. I cut off email contact. I feel so DRAINED

[Guest guest]

I know I have posted a lot the last week and I appreciate everyone who has read

and also those who have responded. This has been a very hard week.

I have prayed and read the SWOE a lot and really stood firm this week against my

waif/queen mom's demands. I know she has brought the daggers in the past and I

was so focused on helping her and in the FOG I didn't notice. I have refused to

go to counseling with her. She continues pressing that " we need to work on our

relationship " .

But I have to say I got to see BPD in full swing today. I should not have

engaged with her in email regarding this confrontation she wanted to have. But

we ended up emailing back and forth.

Long story short - I was to the point, very short 1 paragraph or shorter emails.

" I will meet with you if you can tell me what you hope to accomplish from this

meeting or your goals " . It pissed her off. She says " We are mother and daughter,

I just want a good relationship with you and that should be enough " . I wouldn't

accept it. I kept emphasizing I would not meet with her unless there was a point

to the meeting.

Finally, at the end of the day, her fangs and venom came out and she sent me a

scathing email, daggers practically flying out of my computer screen. Hitting my

emotional triggers all over the place. And of course, copying and pasting random

sentences from my previous emails and twisting my words to make me look like I

am a lunatic control freak.

Surprised? I shouldn't be. But its the first time I've recognized it for what it

is.

I called and left her a VM and told her I would no longer communicate with her

via email and to please call me. She is of course ignoring me and would not

return my phone call.

I. Am. So. Drained.

I just needed to vent so that I can go to sleep and not waste my sleep hours

over this LUNACY!

I keep thinking of something quirky my sweet 3 year old daughter says - " Mama, I

love you for the best that you are! " I have no idea where she got that, I think

she made it up. haha

But it kept ruminating in my head today. " The best that you are " . My mom is

sucking the best from me. " The best " that I should be giving my daughter and my

husband.

My mom doesn't get to have " the best " of me - the only ones that deserve that

are MY family.

If by some random chance she does call me back, I do plan on telling her that

while her relationship is important to me, the " requirements " she has of me to

go to counseling and have constant discussions over who is right/wrong, good/bad

and bringing up the past so we can " work out our differences " are taking more

emotional energy than I have to give to her. My first - the " best that I am " -

goes to my first priority and that's my daughter and my husband.

Therefore, I will no longer have any such discussions. If they are brought up,

she will be asked to leave my house or I will hang up the phone.

She's gonna tell me I don't love her. She's gonna pull out all the stops. But

the buck stops here.

I. AM. DONE. I need to live my life.

[Guest guest]

Amen, Big Sis! You have seen the light, and now you're mad as hell and you're

not taking it anymore. Good for you. You are right. You have to live YOUR life,

and your family does deserve all your best. I'm so proud of you. Stay strong.

((((HUGS))))

>

> I know I have posted a lot the last week and I appreciate everyone who has

read and also those who have responded. This has been a very hard week.

>

>

> I have prayed and read the SWOE a lot and really stood firm this week against

my waif/queen mom's demands. I know she has brought the daggers in the past and

I was so focused on helping her and in the FOG I didn't notice. I have refused

to go to counseling with her. She continues pressing that " we need to work on

our relationship " .

>

> But I have to say I got to see BPD in full swing today. I should not have

engaged with her in email regarding this confrontation she wanted to have. But

we ended up emailing back and forth.

>

> Long story short - I was to the point, very short 1 paragraph or shorter

emails. " I will meet with you if you can tell me what you hope to accomplish

from this meeting or your goals " . It pissed her off. She says " We are mother and

daughter, I just want a good relationship with you and that should be enough " . I

wouldn't accept it. I kept emphasizing I would not meet with her unless there

was a point to the meeting.

> Finally, at the end of the day, her fangs and venom came out and she sent me a

scathing email, daggers practically flying out of my computer screen. Hitting my

emotional triggers all over the place. And of course, copying and pasting random

sentences from my previous emails and twisting my words to make me look like I

am a lunatic control freak.

>

> Surprised? I shouldn't be. But its the first time I've recognized it for what

it is.

>

> I called and left her a VM and told her I would no longer communicate with her

via email and to please call me. She is of course ignoring me and would not

return my phone call.

>

> I. Am. So. Drained.

>

> I just needed to vent so that I can go to sleep and not waste my sleep hours

over this LUNACY!

>

> I keep thinking of something quirky my sweet 3 year old daughter says - " Mama,

I love you for the best that you are! " I have no idea where she got that, I

think she made it up. haha

> But it kept ruminating in my head today. " The best that you are " . My mom is

sucking the best from me. " The best " that I should be giving my daughter and my

husband.

>

> My mom doesn't get to have " the best " of me - the only ones that deserve that

are MY family.

>

> If by some random chance she does call me back, I do plan on telling her that

while her relationship is important to me, the " requirements " she has of me to

go to counseling and have constant discussions over who is right/wrong, good/bad

and bringing up the past so we can " work out our differences " are taking more

emotional energy than I have to give to her. My first - the " best that I am " -

goes to my first priority and that's my daughter and my husband.

>

> Therefore, I will no longer have any such discussions. If they are brought up,

she will be asked to leave my house or I will hang up the phone.

>

> She's gonna tell me I don't love her. She's gonna pull out all the stops. But

the buck stops here.

>

> I. AM. DONE. I need to live my life.

>

[Guest guest]

Good for you! I'm encouraged for you, heartened for you, and also with you in

this grief. This is never easy. But this is a HUGE step!! And you should be

very proud of yourself, if not a little amazed by your strength and courage

during this awful time.

One word of caution from someone who's been there, if I may. As long as you

leave the door open for ANY kind of communication, she will exploit it into

crazy-making and abuse. She will not only call you back when she learns you are

serious, she will use the phone just like she used the email. She will use

ANYTHING that can be turned into a weapon if she has an opportunity to hook you

in.

Sadly, you just won't get satisfaction from that " one last " converstaion that

brings you closure. She's not interested in resolving things--she's only

interested in keeping you dangling on her hook.

That's for your discernment, of course. Just be wary that she will continue to

act BPD, no matter what the form of communication.

Also, as a caution, remember all of the BPD tricks: she may soon present you

with gifts, the exact conversation you've been longing for all this time, etc.

I would expect hoovering, and prepare for it.

Overall, I can't believe you've come this far so quickly. It took me MUCH

longer to put my stake in the ground and say " no more. " You're really doing

exceptionally well.

And, you are understandably drained. This stuff is exhausting, and you are wise

to take all of your beautiful energy and give it to those who can love you back.

Including YOURSELF!

Good work! You are definitely among friends who understand.

Blessings,

Karla

>

> I know I have posted a lot the last week and I appreciate everyone who has

read and also those who have responded. This has been a very hard week.

>

>

> I have prayed and read the SWOE a lot and really stood firm this week against

my waif/queen mom's demands. I know she has brought the daggers in the past and

I was so focused on helping her and in the FOG I didn't notice. I have refused

to go to counseling with her. She continues pressing that " we need to work on

our relationship " .

>

> But I have to say I got to see BPD in full swing today. I should not have

engaged with her in email regarding this confrontation she wanted to have. But

we ended up emailing back and forth.

>

> Long story short - I was to the point, very short 1 paragraph or shorter

emails. " I will meet with you if you can tell me what you hope to accomplish

from this meeting or your goals " . It pissed her off. She says " We are mother and

daughter, I just want a good relationship with you and that should be enough " . I

wouldn't accept it. I kept emphasizing I would not meet with her unless there

was a point to the meeting.

> Finally, at the end of the day, her fangs and venom came out and she sent me a

scathing email, daggers practically flying out of my computer screen. Hitting my

emotional triggers all over the place. And of course, copying and pasting random

sentences from my previous emails and twisting my words to make me look like I

am a lunatic control freak.

>

> Surprised? I shouldn't be. But its the first time I've recognized it for what

it is.

>

> I called and left her a VM and told her I would no longer communicate with her

via email and to please call me. She is of course ignoring me and would not

return my phone call.

>

> I. Am. So. Drained.

>

> I just needed to vent so that I can go to sleep and not waste my sleep hours

over this LUNACY!

>

> I keep thinking of something quirky my sweet 3 year old daughter says - " Mama,

I love you for the best that you are! " I have no idea where she got that, I

think she made it up. haha

> But it kept ruminating in my head today. " The best that you are " . My mom is

sucking the best from me. " The best " that I should be giving my daughter and my

husband.

>

> My mom doesn't get to have " the best " of me - the only ones that deserve that

are MY family.

>

> If by some random chance she does call me back, I do plan on telling her that

while her relationship is important to me, the " requirements " she has of me to

go to counseling and have constant discussions over who is right/wrong, good/bad

and bringing up the past so we can " work out our differences " are taking more

emotional energy than I have to give to her. My first - the " best that I am " -

goes to my first priority and that's my daughter and my husband.

>

> Therefore, I will no longer have any such discussions. If they are brought up,

she will be asked to leave my house or I will hang up the phone.

>

> She's gonna tell me I don't love her. She's gonna pull out all the stops. But

the buck stops here.

>

> I. AM. DONE. I need to live my life.

>

[Guest guest]

(((((Big Sister 03)))))

I am just imagining how difficult that was for you, and how very draining. I

understand how frustrating and pointless the circular arguments are, I've had

those with my nada. It felt like... I was trying to play tennis with her, but

she kept changing the rules and it wasn't tennis anymore but maybe football.

Very bewildering, very frustrating, and as you point out, energy-draining.

Firm and very consistent boundaries and consequences for boundary violation does

seem to be one of the few options that work.

Again, its so very like trying to have an adult-level conversation with a

preschooler about, say, morals and ethics; for example, reinforcing to said

preschooler that she is not allowed to bite others. The preschooler Just Does

Not Get It, feels unjustly accused and punished (in spite of clear evidence to

the contrary) claims that you are hateful and she does not love you, and will

end up having a melt-down tantrum, virtually guaranteed.

I wish you continued courage and endurance, and peace and healing, and I am

inspired by your attempt to even try to have a logical conversation with your

nada.

-Annie

>

> I know I have posted a lot the last week and I appreciate everyone who has

read and also those who have responded. This has been a very hard week.

>

>

> I have prayed and read the SWOE a lot and really stood firm this week against

my waif/queen mom's demands. I know she has brought the daggers in the past and

I was so focused on helping her and in the FOG I didn't notice. I have refused

to go to counseling with her. She continues pressing that " we need to work on

our relationship " .

>

> But I have to say I got to see BPD in full swing today. I should not have

engaged with her in email regarding this confrontation she wanted to have. But

we ended up emailing back and forth.

>

> Long story short - I was to the point, very short 1 paragraph or shorter

emails. " I will meet with you if you can tell me what you hope to accomplish

from this meeting or your goals " . It pissed her off. She says " We are mother and

daughter, I just want a good relationship with you and that should be enough " . I

wouldn't accept it. I kept emphasizing I would not meet with her unless there

was a point to the meeting.

> Finally, at the end of the day, her fangs and venom came out and she sent me a

scathing email, daggers practically flying out of my computer screen. Hitting my

emotional triggers all over the place. And of course, copying and pasting random

sentences from my previous emails and twisting my words to make me look like I

am a lunatic control freak.

>

> Surprised? I shouldn't be. But its the first time I've recognized it for what

it is.

>

> I called and left her a VM and told her I would no longer communicate with her

via email and to please call me. She is of course ignoring me and would not

return my phone call.

>

> I. Am. So. Drained.

>

> I just needed to vent so that I can go to sleep and not waste my sleep hours

over this LUNACY!

>

> I keep thinking of something quirky my sweet 3 year old daughter says - " Mama,

I love you for the best that you are! " I have no idea where she got that, I

think she made it up. haha

> But it kept ruminating in my head today. " The best that you are " . My mom is

sucking the best from me. " The best " that I should be giving my daughter and my

husband.

>

> My mom doesn't get to have " the best " of me - the only ones that deserve that

are MY family.

>

> If by some random chance she does call me back, I do plan on telling her that

while her relationship is important to me, the " requirements " she has of me to

go to counseling and have constant discussions over who is right/wrong, good/bad

and bringing up the past so we can " work out our differences " are taking more

emotional energy than I have to give to her. My first - the " best that I am " -

goes to my first priority and that's my daughter and my husband.

>

> Therefore, I will no longer have any such discussions. If they are brought up,

she will be asked to leave my house or I will hang up the phone.

>

> She's gonna tell me I don't love her. She's gonna pull out all the stops. But

the buck stops here.

>

> I. AM. DONE. I need to live my life.

>

[Guest guest]

You are my hero today! Such an inspiration! It's a rough road, and bless you

for standing your ground.

((Hugs))

[Guest guest]

I can really relate to your situation. Well done for putting up a boundary.

My nada tried recently to get me to a joint counselling session and after a back

and forth via email I simply said 'no'. No other explanation, just no and I'll

review in four months.

Sometimes I forget I can just say no!

x

Nav

>

> I know I have posted a lot the last week and I appreciate everyone who has

read and also those who have responded. This has been a very hard week.

>

>

> I have prayed and read the SWOE a lot and really stood firm this week against

my waif/queen mom's demands. I know she has brought the daggers in the past and

I was so focused on helping her and in the FOG I didn't notice. I have refused

to go to counseling with her. She continues pressing that " we need to work on

our relationship " .

>

> But I have to say I got to see BPD in full swing today. I should not have

engaged with her in email regarding this confrontation she wanted to have. But

we ended up emailing back and forth.

>

> Long story short - I was to the point, very short 1 paragraph or shorter

emails. " I will meet with you if you can tell me what you hope to accomplish

from this meeting or your goals " . It pissed her off. She says " We are mother and

daughter, I just want a good relationship with you and that should be enough " . I

wouldn't accept it. I kept emphasizing I would not meet with her unless there

was a point to the meeting.

> Finally, at the end of the day, her fangs and venom came out and she sent me a

scathing email, daggers practically flying out of my computer screen. Hitting my

emotional triggers all over the place. And of course, copying and pasting random

sentences from my previous emails and twisting my words to make me look like I

am a lunatic control freak.

>

> Surprised? I shouldn't be. But its the first time I've recognized it for what

it is.

>

> I called and left her a VM and told her I would no longer communicate with her

via email and to please call me. She is of course ignoring me and would not

return my phone call.

>

> I. Am. So. Drained.

>

> I just needed to vent so that I can go to sleep and not waste my sleep hours

over this LUNACY!

>

> I keep thinking of something quirky my sweet 3 year old daughter says - " Mama,

I love you for the best that you are! " I have no idea where she got that, I

think she made it up. haha

> But it kept ruminating in my head today. " The best that you are " . My mom is

sucking the best from me. " The best " that I should be giving my daughter and my

husband.

>

> My mom doesn't get to have " the best " of me - the only ones that deserve that

are MY family.

>

> If by some random chance she does call me back, I do plan on telling her that

while her relationship is important to me, the " requirements " she has of me to

go to counseling and have constant discussions over who is right/wrong, good/bad

and bringing up the past so we can " work out our differences " are taking more

emotional energy than I have to give to her. My first - the " best that I am " -

goes to my first priority and that's my daughter and my husband.

>

> Therefore, I will no longer have any such discussions. If they are brought up,

she will be asked to leave my house or I will hang up the phone.

>

> She's gonna tell me I don't love her. She's gonna pull out all the stops. But

the buck stops here.

>

> I. AM. DONE. I need to live my life.

>

[Guest guest]

How do you feel about it all now, Big Sister?

Agree with the others, applauding you on the way you handled this and the

refusal to continue with the emails fiasco. You saw it for yourself with the new

information that it is BPD. So now you will go through a similar destructive

cycle on the phone and the next chop-off point will have to be phone calls.

Loved the thoughts on your daughter and who deserves your energy and beauty.

Your daughter will never exploit you like this and she needs you a lot more than

your 'nada' does.

All the best, sweet heart.

> >

> > I know I have posted a lot the last week and I appreciate everyone who has

read and also those who have responded. This has been a very hard week.

> >

> >

> > I have prayed and read the SWOE a lot and really stood firm this week

against my waif/queen mom's demands. I know she has brought the daggers in the

past and I was so focused on helping her and in the FOG I didn't notice. I have

refused to go to counseling with her. She continues pressing that " we need to

work on our relationship " .

> >

> > But I have to say I got to see BPD in full swing today. I should not have

engaged with her in email regarding this confrontation she wanted to have. But

we ended up emailing back and forth.

> >

> > Long story short - I was to the point, very short 1 paragraph or shorter

emails. " I will meet with you if you can tell me what you hope to accomplish

from this meeting or your goals " . It pissed her off. She says " We are mother and

daughter, I just want a good relationship with you and that should be enough " . I

wouldn't accept it. I kept emphasizing I would not meet with her unless there

was a point to the meeting.

> > Finally, at the end of the day, her fangs and venom came out and she sent me

a scathing email, daggers practically flying out of my computer screen. Hitting

my emotional triggers all over the place. And of course, copying and pasting

random sentences from my previous emails and twisting my words to make me look

like I am a lunatic control freak.

> >

> > Surprised? I shouldn't be. But its the first time I've recognized it for

what it is.

> >

> > I called and left her a VM and told her I would no longer communicate with

her via email and to please call me. She is of course ignoring me and would not

return my phone call.

> >

> > I. Am. So. Drained.

> >

> > I just needed to vent so that I can go to sleep and not waste my sleep hours

over this LUNACY!

> >

> > I keep thinking of something quirky my sweet 3 year old daughter says -

" Mama, I love you for the best that you are! " I have no idea where she got that,

I think she made it up. haha

> > But it kept ruminating in my head today. " The best that you are " . My mom is

sucking the best from me. " The best " that I should be giving my daughter and my

husband.

> >

> > My mom doesn't get to have " the best " of me - the only ones that deserve

that are MY family.

> >

> > If by some random chance she does call me back, I do plan on telling her

that while her relationship is important to me, the " requirements " she has of me

to go to counseling and have constant discussions over who is right/wrong,

good/bad and bringing up the past so we can " work out our differences " are

taking more emotional energy than I have to give to her. My first - the " best

that I am " - goes to my first priority and that's my daughter and my husband.

> >

> > Therefore, I will no longer have any such discussions. If they are brought

up, she will be asked to leave my house or I will hang up the phone.

> >

> > She's gonna tell me I don't love her. She's gonna pull out all the stops.

But the buck stops here.

> >

> > I. AM. DONE. I need to live my life.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hooray jfnelms! It's amazing how when we see those around us being hurt by BPD

that it's the final straw. You are so right that your young daughter deserves

your very best, and it's being sucked out of you by nada. Congratulations on

seeing the light, and I hope your resolve remains strong.

When i was going through this kind of s***, the question that echoed in my mind

was, " How can I turn the volume down on this? " Until your last post, it seems

like the nada in your life was allowed to operate at full volume, screaming,

ranting and dominating the room, your house, your life. The answer is to take

full control of the channels of communication, tightening them, narrowing them,

putting up buffers and baffles, until the volume is lowered to a safe,

comfortable volume or even blessed silence.

Wishing you the best,

AFB

> >

> > I know I have posted a lot the last week and I appreciate everyone who has

read and also those who have responded. This has been a very hard week.

> >

> >

> > I have prayed and read the SWOE a lot and really stood firm this week

against my waif/queen mom's demands. I know she has brought the daggers in the

past and I was so focused on helping her and in the FOG I didn't notice. I have

refused to go to counseling with her. She continues pressing that " we need to

work on our relationship " .

> >

> > But I have to say I got to see BPD in full swing today. I should not have

engaged with her in email regarding this confrontation she wanted to have. But

we ended up emailing back and forth.

> >

> > Long story short - I was to the point, very short 1 paragraph or shorter

emails. " I will meet with you if you can tell me what you hope to accomplish

from this meeting or your goals " . It pissed her off. She says " We are mother and

daughter, I just want a good relationship with you and that should be enough " . I

wouldn't accept it. I kept emphasizing I would not meet with her unless there

was a point to the meeting.

> > Finally, at the end of the day, her fangs and venom came out and she sent me

a scathing email, daggers practically flying out of my computer screen. Hitting

my emotional triggers all over the place. And of course, copying and pasting

random sentences from my previous emails and twisting my words to make me look

like I am a lunatic control freak.

> >

> > Surprised? I shouldn't be. But its the first time I've recognized it for

what it is.

> >

> > I called and left her a VM and told her I would no longer communicate with

her via email and to please call me. She is of course ignoring me and would not

return my phone call.

> >

> > I. Am. So. Drained.

> >

> > I just needed to vent so that I can go to sleep and not waste my sleep hours

over this LUNACY!

> >

> > I keep thinking of something quirky my sweet 3 year old daughter says -

" Mama, I love you for the best that you are! " I have no idea where she got that,

I think she made it up. haha

> > But it kept ruminating in my head today. " The best that you are " . My mom is

sucking the best from me. " The best " that I should be giving my daughter and my

husband.

> >

> > My mom doesn't get to have " the best " of me - the only ones that deserve

that are MY family.

> >

> > If by some random chance she does call me back, I do plan on telling her

that while her relationship is important to me, the " requirements " she has of me

to go to counseling and have constant discussions over who is right/wrong,

good/bad and bringing up the past so we can " work out our differences " are

taking more emotional energy than I have to give to her. My first - the " best

that I am " - goes to my first priority and that's my daughter and my husband.

> >

> > Therefore, I will no longer have any such discussions. If they are brought

up, she will be asked to leave my house or I will hang up the phone.

> >

> > She's gonna tell me I don't love her. She's gonna pull out all the stops.

But the buck stops here.

> >

> > I. AM. DONE. I need to live my life.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much to everyone for such encouraging words!

I read someone saying how strong I was for doing this so quickly and I have to

clarify that this really hasn't happened quickly!

My mom divorced my dad almost 8 years ago. My dad was where she projected her

hurt and blame on my whole life for the most part. So when he was gone, she

projected on me. I didn't recognize it at first and it has been a LONG 8 years

of discovery. While I only recently learned about BPD, my wonderful husband who

is an absolute rock, has been the one to recognize my mom's abuse and

manipulation along the way and encourage me to set up boundaries.

With my amazing husband by my side, it has been a slow process of putting up

walls.

Since finding out about BPD and seeing the truth behind my mom's manipulation

and finally getting past the " I feel sorry for her " thinking, I am getting angry

for the first time in my life.

So I guess all that to say - I'm not that strong. Just have a wonderful support

with my husband. His parents have shown me more what a true mom and dad is like

than my mom and dad ever did and between them and him, have helped me put a lot

into perspective over the last 8 years.

This is painful. This is hard. And Nav, God bless you for saying that! I CAN

" Just Say No! " Amen!

And by the way, my name is Fredia. (free-da). I've always been afraid to give my

name in here for fear my mom would find this group but I don't freakin care

anymore!

So Hello everybody! HAHA

> >

> > I know I have posted a lot the last week and I appreciate everyone who has

read and also those who have responded. This has been a very hard week.

> >

> >

> > I have prayed and read the SWOE a lot and really stood firm this week

against my waif/queen mom's demands. I know she has brought the daggers in the

past and I was so focused on helping her and in the FOG I didn't notice. I have

refused to go to counseling with her. She continues pressing that " we need to

work on our relationship " .

> >

> > But I have to say I got to see BPD in full swing today. I should not have

engaged with her in email regarding this confrontation she wanted to have. But

we ended up emailing back and forth.

> >

> > Long story short - I was to the point, very short 1 paragraph or shorter

emails. " I will meet with you if you can tell me what you hope to accomplish

from this meeting or your goals " . It pissed her off. She says " We are mother and

daughter, I just want a good relationship with you and that should be enough " . I

wouldn't accept it. I kept emphasizing I would not meet with her unless there

was a point to the meeting.

> > Finally, at the end of the day, her fangs and venom came out and she sent me

a scathing email, daggers practically flying out of my computer screen. Hitting

my emotional triggers all over the place. And of course, copying and pasting

random sentences from my previous emails and twisting my words to make me look

like I am a lunatic control freak.

> >

> > Surprised? I shouldn't be. But its the first time I've recognized it for

what it is.

> >

> > I called and left her a VM and told her I would no longer communicate with

her via email and to please call me. She is of course ignoring me and would not

return my phone call.

> >

> > I. Am. So. Drained.

> >

> > I just needed to vent so that I can go to sleep and not waste my sleep hours

over this LUNACY!

> >

> > I keep thinking of something quirky my sweet 3 year old daughter says -

" Mama, I love you for the best that you are! " I have no idea where she got that,

I think she made it up. haha

> > But it kept ruminating in my head today. " The best that you are " . My mom is

sucking the best from me. " The best " that I should be giving my daughter and my

husband.

> >

> > My mom doesn't get to have " the best " of me - the only ones that deserve

that are MY family.

> >

> > If by some random chance she does call me back, I do plan on telling her

that while her relationship is important to me, the " requirements " she has of me

to go to counseling and have constant discussions over who is right/wrong,

good/bad and bringing up the past so we can " work out our differences " are

taking more emotional energy than I have to give to her. My first - the " best

that I am " - goes to my first priority and that's my daughter and my husband.

> >

> > Therefore, I will no longer have any such discussions. If they are brought

up, she will be asked to leave my house or I will hang up the phone.

> >

> > She's gonna tell me I don't love her. She's gonna pull out all the stops.

But the buck stops here.

> >

> > I. AM. DONE. I need to live my life.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Fredia!

I can attest how much help a supportive husband and functional in-laws are

toward our own development and healing. My husband has been incredibly

supportive after the latest painful news about my grandma, and his parents

are great in modeling what healthy relationships are supposed to look like.

I sometimes stop and wonder--how did I get so lucky to have a husband like

him? I could have easily fallen for a different guy, someone abusive,

someone like my fada. I could have become like my dishrag mom all too

easily.

How blessed we both are for great husbands and inlaws!

Holly

>

>

> Thank you so much to everyone for such encouraging words!

>

> I read someone saying how strong I was for doing this so quickly and I have

> to clarify that this really hasn't happened quickly!

>

> My mom divorced my dad almost 8 years ago. My dad was where she projected

> her hurt and blame on my whole life for the most part. So when he was gone,

> she projected on me. I didn't recognize it at first and it has been a LONG 8

> years of discovery. While I only recently learned about BPD, my wonderful

> husband who is an absolute rock, has been the one to recognize my mom's

> abuse and manipulation along the way and encourage me to set up boundaries.

>

> With my amazing husband by my side, it has been a slow process of putting

> up walls.

>

> Since finding out about BPD and seeing the truth behind my mom's

> manipulation and finally getting past the " I feel sorry for her " thinking, I

> am getting angry for the first time in my life.

>

> So I guess all that to say - I'm not that strong. Just have a wonderful

> support with my husband. His parents have shown me more what a true mom and

> dad is like than my mom and dad ever did and between them and him, have

> helped me put a lot into perspective over the last 8 years.

>

> This is painful. This is hard. And Nav, God bless you for saying that! I

> CAN " Just Say No! " Amen!

>

> And by the way, my name is Fredia. (free-da). I've always been afraid to

> give my name in here for fear my mom would find this group but I don't

> freakin care anymore!

>

> So Hello everybody! HAHA

>

>

> > >

> > > I know I have posted a lot the last week and I appreciate everyone who

> has read and also those who have responded. This has been a very hard week.

> > >

> > >

> > > I have prayed and read the SWOE a lot and really stood firm this week

> against my waif/queen mom's demands. I know she has brought the daggers in

> the past and I was so focused on helping her and in the FOG I didn't notice.

> I have refused to go to counseling with her. She continues pressing that " we

> need to work on our relationship " .

> > >

> > > But I have to say I got to see BPD in full swing today. I should not

> have engaged with her in email regarding this confrontation she wanted to

> have. But we ended up emailing back and forth.

> > >

> > > Long story short - I was to the point, very short 1 paragraph or

> shorter emails. " I will meet with you if you can tell me what you hope to

> accomplish from this meeting or your goals " . It pissed her off. She says " We

> are mother and daughter, I just want a good relationship with you and that

> should be enough " . I wouldn't accept it. I kept emphasizing I would not meet

> with her unless there was a point to the meeting.

> > > Finally, at the end of the day, her fangs and venom came out and she

> sent me a scathing email, daggers practically flying out of my computer

> screen. Hitting my emotional triggers all over the place. And of course,

> copying and pasting random sentences from my previous emails and twisting my

> words to make me look like I am a lunatic control freak.

> > >

> > > Surprised? I shouldn't be. But its the first time I've recognized it

> for what it is.

> > >

> > > I called and left her a VM and told her I would no longer communicate

> with her via email and to please call me. She is of course ignoring me and

> would not return my phone call.

> > >

> > > I. Am. So. Drained.

> > >

> > > I just needed to vent so that I can go to sleep and not waste my sleep

> hours over this LUNACY!

> > >

> > > I keep thinking of something quirky my sweet 3 year old daughter says -

> " Mama, I love you for the best that you are! " I have no idea where she got

> that, I think she made it up. haha

> > > But it kept ruminating in my head today. " The best that you are " . My

> mom is sucking the best from me. " The best " that I should be giving my

> daughter and my husband.

> > >

> > > My mom doesn't get to have " the best " of me - the only ones that

> deserve that are MY family.

> > >

> > > If by some random chance she does call me back, I do plan on telling

> her that while her relationship is important to me, the " requirements " she

> has of me to go to counseling and have constant discussions over who is

> right/wrong, good/bad and bringing up the past so we can " work out our

> differences " are taking more emotional energy than I have to give to her. My

> first - the " best that I am " - goes to my first priority and that's my

> daughter and my husband.

> > >

> > > Therefore, I will no longer have any such discussions. If they are

> brought up, she will be asked to leave my house or I will hang up the phone.

>

> > >

> > > She's gonna tell me I don't love her. She's gonna pull out all the

> stops. But the buck stops here.

> > >

> > > I. AM. DONE. I need to live my life.

> > >

> >

>

>

>