It's Mother Day in the UK tomorrow

April 2, 2011

Hi everybody, its Mother's day tomorrow here in the UK. I've sent nada some

flowers and just phoned the care home where she lives to check they've arrived.

The carer who answered the phone asked if i'd like to speak to her. I didn't

want to as i'm gearing myself up for seeing her tomorrow, but thought i better

had. Just as predicted, nada got on the phone and said in an angry tone " we're

eating out dinner " . I told her that the carer had said they'd finished eating

and she then said " oh yes, we have, i'm just drinking my tea that's all " . I

told her to go back to her tea and that i'd see her tomorrow. She then said no

and that there's things she wants to talk to me about.

It turns out that she's suffering from constipation and getting stressed out

about it. (Something i'm slightly sceptical about as she's always suffered from

constipation and its never worried her before!) She then said in her blaming

voice " i haven't seen you for a long time " and i repeated that i didn't want to

interrupt her meal, but the carer told me she had finished. Nada then said

about the carer " oh yes, she's very nice " , to which i replied " yes Mum, i'm nice

too - i'm phoning you up and i don't appreciate you saying you're eating your

dinner and don't want to speak to me " . She backtracked a little when i said

that and said in a pathetic voice " the flowers are lovely darlin " . I said

goodbye and put the phone down quickly.

I'm really not looking forward to having to eat a meal in a restaurant with her

for Mother's Day tomorrow

April 2, 2011

(((((Jeanie)))))

I sympathize. Its no fun to spend time with your bpd mother ( " nada " ) knowing

that you're going to have to endure emotional abuse throughout the visit.

The " medium chill " tactic can perhaps help you with this. Its really just

allowing yourself to become emotionally distant from the situation and the

individual, being polite without being truly engaging, not sharing any personal

information, just minimally responsive, bland or neutral. Its a mind-set that

allows you to not take the negative things she says personally.

I was similarly filled with anxiety and dread last year because I had no choice

but to attend an event that meant I would see my nada in person for the first

time in about 2 years.

I believe I went beyond " medium chill " ; I suppose I partially dissociated. I

was completely detached from all emotions the entire time I was in my mother's

presence. (This was my usual childhood method of coping. I call it being a

" robot-zombie " kid.)

It worked because she indeed did try to needle me by bringing up a subject I'd

asked her many times to not mention again; nada also made several snarky,

critical, provocative remarks on other topics, whined a bit, complained about

how we were ignoring her, etc... but being completely emotionally detached I

was able to let these manipulations slide off me without responding. I did not

argue with her, correct her, or defend myself.

I was able to make myself just stop caring about what she said or how she said

it or how she felt, or how she acted, at least during that short visit. I

didn't attack her, and I didn't let her attacks on me " get to me. " Sort of

like, she was this stranger. Just an elderly lady who happened to be at this

event, and she was annoying but it didn't affect me. I was polite to her the

way I'd be polite to any stranger and then it was over!

So, however you choose to handle the visit, know that we here understand what

you're going to be enduring and we are giving you our empathy and emotional

support.

-Annie

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> Hi everybody, its Mother's day tomorrow here in the UK. I've sent nada some