Guest guest Posted April 2, 2011 Report Share Posted April 2, 2011 Hugs and hugs and hugs, honey. Welcome to the afterlife. BPD yes, but based on your story, I'd also guess antisocial and narcissitic PD thrown in. I love the way you write and the way you tell your story. Welcome XOXO Oh yeah, now we all tell you our favorite books and to find a T (our word for therapist). My books to suggest are Understanding the BM (ha ha BM = Borderline Mother), The Family Crucible and Safe People, for a good start. On Sat, Apr 2, 2011 at 9:08 AM, phoenixrose27 wrote: > > > Hi everyone, I'm new here. > > I have been with my new 'partner' (hate that word, what, does he wear a > cowboy hat? 'howdy podner' - also despise the word boyfriend, seems so... > adolescent, so partner it is)for about 6 months now. I haven't managed to > sabotage the relationship but I am scared that I will, truth be told. It is > far too good to be true.I don't know what evil lurks in my subconscious > ready to strike unannounced landing me in unsuspected big trouble yet again. > > > He is a doctor and has training in psychology. Recently when I began to > tell him some stories of my mother, he said, " Sounds like she might have > BPD. " > > No, she's an alcoholic, was the snap response I made like the good little > trained monkey I am. THAT's why she did all those things. Alcoholism. So I > didn't research BPD. > > He sent me a link today and I clicked on it an hour or so ago to be polite. > So that if he asked me if I'd read it tomorrow I could say yes indeed I did > and it was very interesting, thank you. > > I was expecting interesting in the way a scientific article on creationism > vs evolution might be interesting. Or the article I read about baby rats who > are subjected to trauma in infancy, liking sugar more than other rats do, > was interesting. > > Instead I read the first two lines and felt like I'd been pummelled through > time and space. > > There on the page, in black and white, was my whole experience and my whole > self. > > Putting into words the elusive pains and fears and behaviours I get so > frustrated with myself about. No boundaries. No sense of self. Fear of > people in general. Etc. Etc. Etc. > > Then my first email is the one about sluts and what the mother did with the > aunts --- MY MOTHER DID THAT TO ME!! I didn't think ... I thought it was my > fault? Or at the very least that it had only happened to me. Goes to show > how secular I was. It didn't happen to my other brothers and sisters or > anyone else I ever met, so it mustn't have happened to anyone else. It > wasn't that I thought I was the most abused child in all of history with the > most evil mother ever, I knew there were people much worse off. But to have > my parents profiled like this, is extraordinary. > > I felt so isolated until right this very moment. I didn't ever know other > people had experienced this. You'd think it would make me happy and maybe > later it will, but it just evokes a large round ball of pain in my chest, my > mind is reeling, and I can't stop crying. Relief? Pain? Memory? Surprise? > Don't know. > > I guess having been put it touch with the reality of the consequences in my > own psyche and life, of having BPD parents (dad was one but rarely present > thanks be to jayzus... he only stopped by to start the occassional riot) I > am now wondering, with hope, and with trepidation, and with overwhelm at the > chasm before me, how do we start? What do we do? How can we recover? What > has worked for you? > > My mother is currently in jail for a hit and run. Her comments about the > death were so sociopathic they finally frightened me out of her life. But, > as oldest and as caretaker, I still went to the 12 day trial with her, to > support her. I've hated myself since for being so stupid, because as the > evidence came out in the court it was so clear that she had lied and lied > and lied. No remorse. I still spoke to her occassionally over the past 4 > years but cut off all contact a couple of months ago. She is due to be > released soon so I disappeared out of the town and now live in the forest, a > tiny village where no one will find me. I sobbed uncontrollably for the > first three weeks here, as repressed memories flooded forward from when I > was little. I had no one to talk to. Everyone told me to stop feeling sorry > for myself. To get up and move on. I was trying to. I am trying to. I don't > WANT to live in pain. The past is over but I carry it like an old dog. > > I'd better stop now. This is probably long for a first post. > > Thank you all for being here, it is a comfort. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 2, 2011 Report Share Posted April 2, 2011 Wow, what a beautiful, loving welcome. Thank you. 'welcome to the afterlife' - I love it. Antisocial and narcissistic PD? Quite possibly. The time she ran outside in a sudden outrage and physically/verbally assaulted Mr Whippy helpless in his ice cream truck could be termed as antisocial. Then she was able to avoid charges with her act, the helpless victim. In polite society, one does not arrive at family functions naked from the waist down, blood all over one's legs, because rather than walk the sidewalk, climbing over peoples fences and walking through their backyards seemed more appealing. It's just bad etiquette to steal cars, magazines and big bags of oranges. Antisocial, yes. Narcissitic? Oh yes. Her head is so far up her own arse, that it is like a universal vortex and everyone in a ten mile radius ends up with their heads up her arse, feeling sorry for her. Sorry. Random memories, like a bad acid trip flashback. I'm half wondering if I have some low level form of PTSD. Or maybe I'm dramatising. Now I have one diagnosis I'm on the bandwagon looking for more OK, T's. I'm a bit disillusioned. Finding a good one. In a stroke of genius (naaart) I moved to the aforementioned forest where 5 potatoes and a loaf of bread cost $58 and counselling sessions are usually held noisily at the local bar while men wave their penises around in the background - true story. One of the dads from the school is a real exhibitionist. Why am I even talking about this?! Oh yes, waffling. Trying to say that there aren't really great therapists round these parts. Our neighbours would hear all kinds of alarming noises that they could only imagine meant a mass murder was going on behind our walls, so they were constantly calling the police when I was little. The police ordered that I go to counselling and my first session was when I was 5. 5! I saw them on and off over the years til 15 when I left home, and none of them really seemed to get it. I felt like they were talking to me out of a textbook. And my mother! Ugh! Psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists, counsellors, AA meetings, rehabilitation centers, church retreats, as long as I've been alive she's been seeing therapists, not of her own free will but enforced in one court order or another. Not one of them ever diagnosed her. Over the last four years she's been mandated to see various prison psychologists and even they haven't diagnosed. I know how hard it would be to see through her act, I do know that. And I can't use my 'podner' for a therapist. Recipe for disaster or what? Hmmm. What to do what to do. I'll get the books I guess and find out about a therapist, maybe I'll be surprised. I just realized part of my nonchalence towards therapists might indeed come from her. She severely disapproved of my early life counselling sessions. Abot a year ago when I felt myself sinking into sudden, alarming, unaccounted for depression, I told her I might see a counsellor or join a self help group. She said those are for people who like to sit around feeling sorry for themselves. " She's the expert " - I thought. And dragged myself out my own way. Blabbing on again. Looks like you guys are my new stream-of-conscious sounding board! Lucky you! (joke) > > > > > > > Hi everyone, I'm new here. > > > > I have been with my new 'partner' (hate that word, what, does he wear a > > cowboy hat? 'howdy podner' - also despise the word boyfriend, seems so... > > adolescent, so partner it is)for about 6 months now. I haven't managed to > > sabotage the relationship but I am scared that I will, truth be told. It is > > far too good to be true.I don't know what evil lurks in my subconscious > > ready to strike unannounced landing me in unsuspected big trouble yet again. > > > > > > He is a doctor and has training in psychology. Recently when I began to > > tell him some stories of my mother, he said, " Sounds like she might have > > BPD. " > > > > No, she's an alcoholic, was the snap response I made like the good little > > trained monkey I am. THAT's why she did all those things. Alcoholism. So I > > didn't research BPD. > > > > He sent me a link today and I clicked on it an hour or so ago to be polite. > > So that if he asked me if I'd read it tomorrow I could say yes indeed I did > > and it was very interesting, thank you. > > > > I was expecting interesting in the way a scientific article on creationism > > vs evolution might be interesting. Or the article I read about baby rats who > > are subjected to trauma in infancy, liking sugar more than other rats do, > > was interesting. > > > > Instead I read the first two lines and felt like I'd been pummelled through > > time and space. > > > > There on the page, in black and white, was my whole experience and my whole > > self. > > > > Putting into words the elusive pains and fears and behaviours I get so > > frustrated with myself about. No boundaries. No sense of self. Fear of > > people in general. Etc. Etc. Etc. > > > > Then my first email is the one about sluts and what the mother did with the > > aunts --- MY MOTHER DID THAT TO ME!! I didn't think ... I thought it was my > > fault? Or at the very least that it had only happened to me. Goes to show > > how secular I was. It didn't happen to my other brothers and sisters or > > anyone else I ever met, so it mustn't have happened to anyone else. It > > wasn't that I thought I was the most abused child in all of history with the > > most evil mother ever, I knew there were people much worse off. But to have > > my parents profiled like this, is extraordinary. > > > > I felt so isolated until right this very moment. I didn't ever know other > > people had experienced this. You'd think it would make me happy and maybe > > later it will, but it just evokes a large round ball of pain in my chest, my > > mind is reeling, and I can't stop crying. Relief? Pain? Memory? Surprise? > > Don't know. > > > > I guess having been put it touch with the reality of the consequences in my > > own psyche and life, of having BPD parents (dad was one but rarely present > > thanks be to jayzus... he only stopped by to start the occassional riot) I > > am now wondering, with hope, and with trepidation, and with overwhelm at the > > chasm before me, how do we start? What do we do? How can we recover? What > > has worked for you? > > > > My mother is currently in jail for a hit and run. Her comments about the > > death were so sociopathic they finally frightened me out of her life. But, > > as oldest and as caretaker, I still went to the 12 day trial with her, to > > support her. I've hated myself since for being so stupid, because as the > > evidence came out in the court it was so clear that she had lied and lied > > and lied. No remorse. I still spoke to her occassionally over the past 4 > > years but cut off all contact a couple of months ago. She is due to be > > released soon so I disappeared out of the town and now live in the forest, a > > tiny village where no one will find me. I sobbed uncontrollably for the > > first three weeks here, as repressed memories flooded forward from when I > > was little. I had no one to talk to. Everyone told me to stop feeling sorry > > for myself. To get up and move on. I was trying to. I am trying to. I don't > > WANT to live in pain. The past is over but I carry it like an old dog. > > > > I'd better stop now. This is probably long for a first post. > > > > Thank you all for being here, it is a comfort. > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 2, 2011 Report Share Posted April 2, 2011 It's normal to wonder how we've been affected by our parents. I'm new to learning about BPD and I find myself wondering the same thing as I learn more. I second the Understanding Borderline Mothers book. I read it slowly because it was a lot to take in but it was very enlightening and helped me better understand what triggers specific responses (anger, rage, guilt, suicide, depression, etc.). My siblings and I also started seeing a T together which we found helpful. I started reading the recommended books, underlining the parts I thought applied to our family, and then passed them along to my siblings. It actually brought us closer and helped us to better understand our parent. The Family to Family class hosted by the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) is also a good resource. It's for family members whose loved ones have any mental illness, not just BPD. The class provides a huge amount of resources and a list of stages that we go through as family members. I think the BPDcentral website also has a link to help locate therapists. There may be other websites out there that I'm not aware of. Perhaps your partner can help you find someone who has experience with children of parents who suffer from BPD. > > > > > > > > > > > Hi everyone, I'm new here. > > > > > > I have been with my new 'partner' (hate that word, what, does he wear a > > > cowboy hat? 'howdy podner' - also despise the word boyfriend, seems so... > > > adolescent, so partner it is)for about 6 months now. I haven't managed to > > > sabotage the relationship but I am scared that I will, truth be told. It is > > > far too good to be true.I don't know what evil lurks in my subconscious > > > ready to strike unannounced landing me in unsuspected big trouble yet again. > > > > > > > > > He is a doctor and has training in psychology. Recently when I began to > > > tell him some stories of my mother, he said, " Sounds like she might have > > > BPD. " > > > > > > No, she's an alcoholic, was the snap response I made like the good little > > > trained monkey I am. THAT's why she did all those things. Alcoholism. So I > > > didn't research BPD. > > > > > > He sent me a link today and I clicked on it an hour or so ago to be polite. > > > So that if he asked me if I'd read it tomorrow I could say yes indeed I did > > > and it was very interesting, thank you. > > > > > > I was expecting interesting in the way a scientific article on creationism > > > vs evolution might be interesting. Or the article I read about baby rats who > > > are subjected to trauma in infancy, liking sugar more than other rats do, > > > was interesting. > > > > > > Instead I read the first two lines and felt like I'd been pummelled through > > > time and space. > > > > > > There on the page, in black and white, was my whole experience and my whole > > > self. > > > > > > Putting into words the elusive pains and fears and behaviours I get so > > > frustrated with myself about. No boundaries. No sense of self. Fear of > > > people in general. Etc. Etc. Etc. > > > > > > Then my first email is the one about sluts and what the mother did with the > > > aunts --- MY MOTHER DID THAT TO ME!! I didn't think ... I thought it was my > > > fault? Or at the very least that it had only happened to me. Goes to show > > > how secular I was. It didn't happen to my other brothers and sisters or > > > anyone else I ever met, so it mustn't have happened to anyone else. It > > > wasn't that I thought I was the most abused child in all of history with the > > > most evil mother ever, I knew there were people much worse off. But to have > > > my parents profiled like this, is extraordinary. > > > > > > I felt so isolated until right this very moment. I didn't ever know other > > > people had experienced this. You'd think it would make me happy and maybe > > > later it will, but it just evokes a large round ball of pain in my chest, my > > > mind is reeling, and I can't stop crying. Relief? Pain? Memory? Surprise? > > > Don't know. > > > > > > I guess having been put it touch with the reality of the consequences in my > > > own psyche and life, of having BPD parents (dad was one but rarely present > > > thanks be to jayzus... he only stopped by to start the occassional riot) I > > > am now wondering, with hope, and with trepidation, and with overwhelm at the > > > chasm before me, how do we start? What do we do? How can we recover? What > > > has worked for you? > > > > > > My mother is currently in jail for a hit and run. Her comments about the > > > death were so sociopathic they finally frightened me out of her life. But, > > > as oldest and as caretaker, I still went to the 12 day trial with her, to > > > support her. I've hated myself since for being so stupid, because as the > > > evidence came out in the court it was so clear that she had lied and lied > > > and lied. No remorse. I still spoke to her occassionally over the past 4 > > > years but cut off all contact a couple of months ago. She is due to be > > > released soon so I disappeared out of the town and now live in the forest, a > > > tiny village where no one will find me. I sobbed uncontrollably for the > > > first three weeks here, as repressed memories flooded forward from when I > > > was little. I had no one to talk to. Everyone told me to stop feeling sorry > > > for myself. To get up and move on. I was trying to. I am trying to. I don't > > > WANT to live in pain. The past is over but I carry it like an old dog. > > > > > > I'd better stop now. This is probably long for a first post. > > > > > > Thank you all for being here, it is a comfort. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 5, 2011 Report Share Posted April 5, 2011 Welcome! You've found the right place to vent, that's what we're here for! It sounds like you've been through quite a lot and I'm so sorry for the emotional upheaval you're currently experiencing! Many of us have been there; the awakening process can be quite brutal. I'll tell you now, though, it's worth it. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and it is possible to move past much of the trauma in your past. I grew up the only child of a single, BP nada (nada = " not a mother " ). I was 18 years old before I started realizing that my home life was by no means " normal. " I was in my early 20s when I started seeing a counselor, for seemingly unrelated issues, and found myself talking about my nada incessantly. That's when the T said " hey, it sounds like your mother might have BP. " And that was the beginning of it. I would absolutely recommend Surviving the Borderline Mother. Also Stop Walking on Eggshells, which quite literally saved my life. Read as much as you can. And comb this board as well, it's absolutely amazing what you'll find here. The sense of community and shared experience is very healing. It's also a lovely outlet to a bunch of people who want to listen and who really can empathize with your situation. A constant reminder that it's not you, it's her. We've been there, to one degree or another, and we understand. I would also, strongly, recommend finding a counselor of sorts, at least to help you process all this new information you're assimilating. And, like you said, your partner (lol, I hate that word too) is probably a bad choice. Conflict of interests, yada yada. If you cannot find a T, try keeping a journal. I'm not currently in therapy for financial reasons, but I've found that a journal has been a productive place for me to get out all those nasty memories and to vent all the crappy emotions that come with them. Helps to put it all down in a book, then close the book and set it aside. Once in awhile your subconscious may even chime in and you may surprise yourself with what you end up writing down. Good luck to you, and welcome! ((Hugs)) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 5, 2011 Report Share Posted April 5, 2011 Actually, there are two books with similar titles: both are good and get recommended here often: " Understanding The Borderline Mother " by Ann Lawson (This is the author who breaks down bpd mothers into sub-types: the Waif, the Hermit, the Queen, and the Witch) " Surviving A Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds, and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem " by Kimberlee Roth -Annie > > Welcome! You've found the right place to vent, that's what we're here for! It sounds like you've been through quite a lot and I'm so sorry for the emotional upheaval you're currently experiencing! Many of us have been there; the awakening process can be quite brutal. I'll tell you now, though, it's worth it. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and it is possible to move past much of the trauma in your past. > > I grew up the only child of a single, BP nada (nada = " not a mother " ). I was 18 years old before I started realizing that my home life was by no means " normal. " I was in my early 20s when I started seeing a counselor, for seemingly unrelated issues, and found myself talking about my nada incessantly. That's when the T said " hey, it sounds like your mother might have BP. " And that was the beginning of it. I would absolutely recommend Surviving the Borderline Mother. Also Stop Walking on Eggshells, which quite literally saved my life. Read as much as you can. And comb this board as well, it's absolutely amazing what you'll find here. The sense of community and shared experience is very healing. It's also a lovely outlet to a bunch of people who want to listen and who really can empathize with your situation. A constant reminder that it's not you, it's her. We've been there, to one degree or another, and we understand. > > I would also, strongly, recommend finding a counselor of sorts, at least to help you process all this new information you're assimilating. And, like you said, your partner (lol, I hate that word too) is probably a bad choice. Conflict of interests, yada yada. If you cannot find a T, try keeping a journal. I'm not currently in therapy for financial reasons, but I've found that a journal has been a productive place for me to get out all those nasty memories and to vent all the crappy emotions that come with them. Helps to put it all down in a book, then close the book and set it aside. Once in awhile your subconscious may even chime in and you may surprise yourself with what you end up writing down. > > Good luck to you, and welcome! > > ((Hugs)) > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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