What Do We Do?

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone, I'm new here.

I have been with my new 'partner' (hate that word, what, does he wear a cowboy

hat? 'howdy podner' - also despise the word boyfriend, seems so... adolescent,

so partner it is)for about 6 months now. I haven't managed to sabotage the

relationship but I am scared that I will, truth be told. It is far too good to

be true.I don't know what evil lurks in my subconscious ready to strike

unannounced landing me in unsuspected big trouble yet again.

He is a doctor and has training in psychology. Recently when I began to tell him

some stories of my mother, he said, " Sounds like she might have BPD. "

No, she's an alcoholic, was the snap response I made like the good little

trained monkey I am. THAT's why she did all those things. Alcoholism. So I

didn't research BPD.

He sent me a link today and I clicked on it an hour or so ago to be polite. So

that if he asked me if I'd read it tomorrow I could say yes indeed I did and it

was very interesting, thank you.

I was expecting interesting in the way a scientific article on creationism vs

evolution might be interesting. Or the article I read about baby rats who are

subjected to trauma in infancy, liking sugar more than other rats do, was

interesting.

Instead I read the first two lines and felt like I'd been pummelled through time

and space.

There on the page, in black and white, was my whole experience and my whole

self.

Putting into words the elusive pains and fears and behaviours I get so

frustrated with myself about. No boundaries. No sense of self. Fear of people in

general. Etc. Etc. Etc.

Then my first email is the one about sluts and what the mother did with the

aunts --- MY MOTHER DID THAT TO ME!! I didn't think ... I thought it was my

fault? Or at the very least that it had only happened to me. Goes to show how

secular I was. It didn't happen to my other brothers and sisters or anyone else

I ever met, so it mustn't have happened to anyone else. It wasn't that I thought

I was the most abused child in all of history with the most evil mother ever, I

knew there were people much worse off. But to have my parents profiled like

this, is extraordinary.

I felt so isolated until right this very moment. I didn't ever know other people

had experienced this. You'd think it would make me happy and maybe later it

will, but it just evokes a large round ball of pain in my chest, my mind is

reeling, and I can't stop crying. Relief? Pain? Memory? Surprise? Don't know.

I guess having been put it touch with the reality of the consequences in my own

psyche and life, of having BPD parents (dad was one but rarely present thanks be

to jayzus... he only stopped by to start the occassional riot) I am now

wondering, with hope, and with trepidation, and with overwhelm at the chasm

before me, how do we start? What do we do? How can we recover? What has worked

for you?

My mother is currently in jail for a hit and run. Her comments about the death

were so sociopathic they finally frightened me out of her life. But, as oldest

and as caretaker, I still went to the 12 day trial with her, to support her.

I've hated myself since for being so stupid, because as the evidence came out in

the court it was so clear that she had lied and lied and lied. No remorse. I

still spoke to her occassionally over the past 4 years but cut off all contact a

couple of months ago. She is due to be released soon so I disappeared out of the

town and now live in the forest, a tiny village where no one will find me. I

sobbed uncontrollably for the first three weeks here, as repressed memories

flooded forward from when I was little. I had no one to talk to. Everyone told

me to stop feeling sorry for myself. To get up and move on. I was trying to. I

am trying to. I don't WANT to live in pain. The past is over but I carry it like

an old dog.

I'd better stop now. This is probably long for a first post.

Thank you all for being here, it is a comfort.