My birthday & Mother's Day

[Guest guest]

So a few things are happening, and I'm just curious how to deal with nada and

these things that may require contact even though I'm basically NC.

1. My birthday is later this month. I do not wish to have any contact with her

regarding my birthday. In fact, should I get a call from her, I feel like even

knowing she called me would piss me off. She probably will call, it will

definitely go to voicemail, but I have to work on ignoring it and not letting

her get to me. Not letting her control me.

2. Mother's Day is next month, and I don't give two shits about her having a

happy mother's day. But for some reason I'm feeling like I would be a bad

daughter if I don't call or send a card. I know that's the FOG speaking. I'm

pretty sure I don't love her. In fact, I really dislike her (you all know this).

3. I am very close to being offered a job in another part of the country (and

I'm totally stoked about it except that I will have to get a new T and I like

mine). My dad and stepmom have been great cheerleaders for me through the

process. And my grandma on my dad's side knows about the job, but I have not

mentioned it to my one brother who I do talk to occasionally, and of course not

to nada or estranged flying monkey brother. I will not tell either of them. I

don't want to. I will not give either of them my new information if I move. I do

not trust brother not to give it to nada, and I do not want nada to have it.

I guess I'm just feeling weird because I'm not doing the things that a " typical

good daughter " would do. Of course, I don't have a typical mother or even a good

mother or even a mother.

Here's something else: sometimes on this board, new people come on or even

people who have been here a while, and say that regardless of the BPD, their

mother is a good person. I cannot fathom saying that. I know that there are

things that nada has done that could seem like good deeds, but to me, I see all

the manipulation behind them. If someone is sick, she takes care of them to

prove she is a good person or better than other people or to get recognition for

it. When I help out a sick friend, I do it because I care about my friend and I

want to help them. I don't care if they thank me or not. I live in a car-free

community of friends, and I get heart sick if I think of a friend who is home

with the flu without soup or groceries. That is one thing that helps when you

own a car--if you are sick you don't feel like walking or cycling to the store.

So I might deliver soup or groceries to a sick friend, because I care, not for

some kind of ego boost.

People on this forum say they remember the good times and that help them through

the bad. I can't look at the good times and let that negate the bad times.

Because the good times were few and far between, and I don't trust them.

Basically it was bad all the time, and the good times were extreme anomalies. I

hear in my head family members saying things like: look at what she gave up for

you or look at how hard she worked to raise you or provide for you. But how

does any of that make up for the abuse and emotional damage she did to me? For

the time and years of my life that she stole from me?

I described for my T this week how angry I was and sad that I have always felt

like the first 25-27 years of my life (and I'm only approaching 31) were these

lost year that I had no control or choice over my own actions or choices. We got

into a discussion about, well, he said " you felt like you had no choice " and I

had to keep correcting him that " I had no choice " . And I had to explain to him

that while adult understands that maybe there was a choice, child

didn't understand the principles of a decision and a choice. To child ,

there was only this one way, and there was no other way to consider. Child

had no clue that there could be any other way. So while, yes, I felt like

I had no choice, I really didn't. Because I was a child, and there was no way to

know something that hadn't been taught to me. If you've never been given a

choice or shown any other way of being, you don't know that there is an option.

At first he thought I was arguing semantics but when I explained, he understood

the difference that was important to me. So the thing is, I realized that my

entire life, until this point, I was never allowed to changed my mind. And all

those years leading up to about 2 years ago, I feel like they are entirely lost,

in another dimension, like I didn't exist as an " I " , as a sentient being that

could have power over my own destiny. So I am finally learning how to change my

mind and decide that if something isn't making me happy or I want to try

something new, that I can do that.

Until 4 months ago, I had never missed a ballet class in my life. I decided not

to go one morning, and then didn't go again until this morning. And I only

really went this morning to catch up with a friend I haven't seen in a while.

I'm not sure I care to go back again. I'm not sure I want to dance ever again. I

mean, okay, a little history, I was a professional dancer. So that's a big

statement for me.

Okay, I'm just going on and on now. I'd really be interested in other people's

thoughts on all these things.

Total badass marathon runner

[Guest guest]

Hi

I'm in a similar position as today it is mother's day in the UK today and my

birthday is later this week. While I'm LC, I am planning no contact for today

and my bday. I would prefer NC altogether with nada but she has started coming

round to my dad's and I am seeing her about once a week there. I am not sure how

to handle that as I want to see my dad but not nada. I'm doing the whole medium

chill technique when I see her but that doesn't stop the rage I feel around her.

My nada was one of those who was able to do things like feed me nice meals,

clean the house etc. To me, this was done cause of her need/want to look good as

a mother rather than any mothering instinct within. All the `nice' stuff she did

(or rather the surface stuff that society looks at to judge if someone is a good

mother) was really about her showing to herself, others and especially her

children she was a good `mother'. 'Look at me, my child is feeling ill and I am

looking after them! Look at me!'

I've recently been reading about a child's emotional development process and

from that I can see that while my physical development needs were met by her,

emotionally there was nothing expect her emotional needs front and centre.

Everything was at the end of the day about her and getting her needs/wants met.

I describe it as there being only one show in town -HERS! Step right up and line

up for tickets now! lol!

I have been looking at this website today:

http://www.voicelessness.com/essay.html and somewhere there they mention that

dysfunctional parents don't engage in the child's world, they expect the child

to engage their world. This really described it for me. Since there is no

compromise with nada, to have any relationship with nada means entering her

world and leaving behind my world. No thanks!

As for loving nada, I don't think I do. I don't trust her, at all. How can there

be love when there is no trust? I care for her in a way as I do hope she is one

day able to help herself.

As for your point about `child ' vs `adult ' that is something that

really spoke to me. I feel like these past 4 or 5 years or so I have wasted

myself. All those chances I didn't take out of fear and `what would nada think'

and `I'm not able to' and `No I can't'. That does get me down. I started T about

6 months ago and T has got me started on some inner child work which at first I

was skeptical about (thought it was for spoiled hollywood celebrities) but now

hope it will help with these beliefs that hold me back.

I've gone a bit and don't even think I've addressed your points but this is

where I'm at at the moment. Has felt good to share.

Congratulations on your marathon!!

X

Nav

>

> So a few things are happening, and I'm just curious how to deal with nada and

these things that may require contact even though I'm basically NC.

>

> 1. My birthday is later this month. I do not wish to have any contact with her

regarding my birthday. In fact, should I get a call from her, I feel like even

knowing she called me would piss me off. She probably will call, it will

definitely go to voicemail, but I have to work on ignoring it and not letting

her get to me. Not letting her control me.

>

> 2. Mother's Day is next month, and I don't give two shits about her having a

happy mother's day. But for some reason I'm feeling like I would be a bad

daughter if I don't call or send a card. I know that's the FOG speaking. I'm

pretty sure I don't love her. In fact, I really dislike her (you all know this).

>

> 3. I am very close to being offered a job in another part of the country (and

I'm totally stoked about it except that I will have to get a new T and I like

mine). My dad and stepmom have been great cheerleaders for me through the

process. And my grandma on my dad's side knows about the job, but I have not

mentioned it to my one brother who I do talk to occasionally, and of course not

to nada or estranged flying monkey brother. I will not tell either of them. I

don't want to. I will not give either of them my new information if I move. I do

not trust brother not to give it to nada, and I do not want nada to have it.

>

> I guess I'm just feeling weird because I'm not doing the things that a

" typical good daughter " would do. Of course, I don't have a typical mother or

even a good mother or even a mother.

>

> Here's something else: sometimes on this board, new people come on or even

people who have been here a while, and say that regardless of the BPD, their

mother is a good person. I cannot fathom saying that. I know that there are

things that nada has done that could seem like good deeds, but to me, I see all

the manipulation behind them. If someone is sick, she takes care of them to

prove she is a good person or better than other people or to get recognition for

it. When I help out a sick friend, I do it because I care about my friend and I

want to help them. I don't care if they thank me or not. I live in a car-free

community of friends, and I get heart sick if I think of a friend who is home

with the flu without soup or groceries. That is one thing that helps when you

own a car--if you are sick you don't feel like walking or cycling to the store.

So I might deliver soup or groceries to a sick friend, because I care, not for

some kind of ego boost.

>

> People on this forum say they remember the good times and that help them

through the bad. I can't look at the good times and let that negate the bad

times. Because the good times were few and far between, and I don't trust them.

Basically it was bad all the time, and the good times were extreme anomalies. I

hear in my head family members saying things like: look at what she gave up for

you or look at how hard she worked to raise you or provide for you. But how

does any of that make up for the abuse and emotional damage she did to me? For

the time and years of my life that she stole from me?

>

> I described for my T this week how angry I was and sad that I have always felt

like the first 25-27 years of my life (and I'm only approaching 31) were these

lost year that I had no control or choice over my own actions or choices. We got

into a discussion about, well, he said " you felt like you had no choice " and I

had to keep correcting him that " I had no choice " . And I had to explain to him

that while adult understands that maybe there was a choice, child

didn't understand the principles of a decision and a choice. To child ,

there was only this one way, and there was no other way to consider. Child

had no clue that there could be any other way. So while, yes, I felt like

I had no choice, I really didn't. Because I was a child, and there was no way to

know something that hadn't been taught to me. If you've never been given a

choice or shown any other way of being, you don't know that there is an option.

>

> At first he thought I was arguing semantics but when I explained, he

understood the difference that was important to me. So the thing is, I realized

that my entire life, until this point, I was never allowed to changed my mind.

And all those years leading up to about 2 years ago, I feel like they are

entirely lost, in another dimension, like I didn't exist as an " I " , as a

sentient being that could have power over my own destiny. So I am finally

learning how to change my mind and decide that if something isn't making me

happy or I want to try something new, that I can do that.

>

> Until 4 months ago, I had never missed a ballet class in my life. I decided

not to go one morning, and then didn't go again until this morning. And I only

really went this morning to catch up with a friend I haven't seen in a while.

I'm not sure I care to go back again. I'm not sure I want to dance ever again. I

mean, okay, a little history, I was a professional dancer. So that's a big

statement for me.

>

> Okay, I'm just going on and on now. I'd really be interested in other people's

thoughts on all these things.

>

>

> Total badass marathon runner

>

[Guest guest]

" Typical good daughter " ; you're not a typical daughter with a typical mother. If

you were, you'd graciously celebrate the day with your mother. As it is, your

mother is a monster. It is sane to stay away.

And society's version of how things should be has always been crippling and

narrow minded, by nature it has to be generalised. Homosexuality, divorce, and

unwed mothers were vilified a short time ago. Society changes. Hurtful and

unecessary to base our sense of obligation of what 'they' tell us to do today

when it will be different as culture changes.

link about BPD mothers day:

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/710357/mothers_day_and_borderline_perso\

nality.html?cat=25 & com=2#comments

It's a good article.

There is a BPD down in the comments section raging about how unfair the

portrayal of them is. Just like them. Me me me.

Perhaps one of the strengths of growing up with BPD parents could be the ability

to detach from a society we perhaps never felt part of anyway, and think for

ourselves among it. Make our own choices. The absence of choice, of voice, and

of self trust, to the extent children of BPD parents experience, can perhaps

flip to an extent of the freedom of integrity. When we get our self respect and

assertion back in a healthy manner, won't we guard it? Don't we know its value?

Intense powerlessness can be willingly changed into empowerment. It is choice.

Our parents seemed to lack the ability to choose and discern and we must rebel

against that.

Why did you stop the ballet?

If it helps think of mothers day as a money making scheme, lol

And your birthday, your day if ever there was one. Change your phone number.

Zero tolerance, zero compassion, that's my view. I don't see why the rights of

our parents take such precedent over our sense of wellbeing right into

adulthood. That has got to be a sign of craziness in us. There need be no

conflict. Perhaps this is my mother coming out in me but it really is black and

white. Unless the BPD changes, genuinely, and can then ride their magical

unicorn to your house and with the swish of a wand, make a rainbow of jellybeans

appear in your kitchen for breakfast, forget it. You know exactly what to

expect. You don't keep putting your hand in a fire.

End rant.

You can tell *somebody's* a bit pissed off -whistles-

>

> So a few things are happening, and I'm just curious how to deal with nada and

these things that may require contact even though I'm basically NC.

>

> 1. My birthday is later this month. I do not wish to have any contact with her

regarding my birthday. In fact, should I get a call from her, I feel like even

knowing she called me would piss me off. She probably will call, it will

definitely go to voicemail, but I have to work on ignoring it and not letting

her get to me. Not letting her control me.

>

> 2. Mother's Day is next month, and I don't give two shits about her having a

happy mother's day. But for some reason I'm feeling like I would be a bad

daughter if I don't call or send a card. I know that's the FOG speaking. I'm

pretty sure I don't love her. In fact, I really dislike her (you all know this).

>

> 3. I am very close to being offered a job in another part of the country (and

I'm totally stoked about it except that I will have to get a new T and I like

mine). My dad and stepmom have been great cheerleaders for me through the

process. And my grandma on my dad's side knows about the job, but I have not

mentioned it to my one brother who I do talk to occasionally, and of course not

to nada or estranged flying monkey brother. I will not tell either of them. I

don't want to. I will not give either of them my new information if I move. I do

not trust brother not to give it to nada, and I do not want nada to have it.

>

> I guess I'm just feeling weird because I'm not doing the things that a

" typical good daughter " would do. Of course, I don't have a typical mother or

even a good mother or even a mother.

>

> Here's something else: sometimes on this board, new people come on or even

people who have been here a while, and say that regardless of the BPD, their

mother is a good person. I cannot fathom saying that. I know that there are

things that nada has done that could seem like good deeds, but to me, I see all

the manipulation behind them. If someone is sick, she takes care of them to

prove she is a good person or better than other people or to get recognition for

it. When I help out a sick friend, I do it because I care about my friend and I

want to help them. I don't care if they thank me or not. I live in a car-free

community of friends, and I get heart sick if I think of a friend who is home

with the flu without soup or groceries. That is one thing that helps when you

own a car--if you are sick you don't feel like walking or cycling to the store.

So I might deliver soup or groceries to a sick friend, because I care, not for

some kind of ego boost.

>

> People on this forum say they remember the good times and that help them

through the bad. I can't look at the good times and let that negate the bad

times. Because the good times were few and far between, and I don't trust them.

Basically it was bad all the time, and the good times were extreme anomalies. I

hear in my head family members saying things like: look at what she gave up for

you or look at how hard she worked to raise you or provide for you. But how

does any of that make up for the abuse and emotional damage she did to me? For

the time and years of my life that she stole from me?

>

> I described for my T this week how angry I was and sad that I have always felt

like the first 25-27 years of my life (and I'm only approaching 31) were these

lost year that I had no control or choice over my own actions or choices. We got

into a discussion about, well, he said " you felt like you had no choice " and I

had to keep correcting him that " I had no choice " . And I had to explain to him

that while adult understands that maybe there was a choice, child

didn't understand the principles of a decision and a choice. To child ,

there was only this one way, and there was no other way to consider. Child

had no clue that there could be any other way. So while, yes, I felt like

I had no choice, I really didn't. Because I was a child, and there was no way to

know something that hadn't been taught to me. If you've never been given a

choice or shown any other way of being, you don't know that there is an option.

>

> At first he thought I was arguing semantics but when I explained, he

understood the difference that was important to me. So the thing is, I realized

that my entire life, until this point, I was never allowed to changed my mind.

And all those years leading up to about 2 years ago, I feel like they are

entirely lost, in another dimension, like I didn't exist as an " I " , as a

sentient being that could have power over my own destiny. So I am finally

learning how to change my mind and decide that if something isn't making me

happy or I want to try something new, that I can do that.

>

> Until 4 months ago, I had never missed a ballet class in my life. I decided

not to go one morning, and then didn't go again until this morning. And I only

really went this morning to catch up with a friend I haven't seen in a while.

I'm not sure I care to go back again. I'm not sure I want to dance ever again. I

mean, okay, a little history, I was a professional dancer. So that's a big

statement for me.

>

> Okay, I'm just going on and on now. I'd really be interested in other people's

thoughts on all these things.

>

>

> Total badass marathon runner

>

[Guest guest]

Hey ,

I hereby grant you permission to ignore mother's day. Or even through a

tantrum and scream for an hour that morning. Anything you want. I have

ignored mother's day for lets see 8 years now. Nothings happened. When I was

little and did stuff like draw a picture for mother's day, my nada would go

on and on about how much she hated that holiday - she could have said thank

you. She could have done a lot of things. But no, she ranted.

And I like the idea of changing your number. that would be awesome.

As far as moving away from your T - you go YEAH - I have personally wondered

why I couldn't do a webcam with my T. I'm applying for jobs in other areas

of the country, and I know I can't take her with me - but hell, the power of

the internet. It might have some weaknesses - but it might have some

strengths too. Who knows. . . I think it could be kinda cool.

If anyone knows yes or no if that's possible, please let me know. XOXO

On Sun, Apr 3, 2011 at 6:31 AM, phoenixrose27 wrote:

>

>

> " Typical good daughter " ; you're not a typical daughter with a typical

> mother. If you were, you'd graciously celebrate the day with your mother. As

> it is, your mother is a monster. It is sane to stay away.

>

> And society's version of how things should be has always been crippling and

> narrow minded, by nature it has to be generalised. Homosexuality, divorce,

> and unwed mothers were vilified a short time ago. Society changes. Hurtful

> and unecessary to base our sense of obligation of what 'they' tell us to do

> today when it will be different as culture changes.

>

> link about BPD mothers day:

>

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/710357/mothers_day_and_borderline_perso\

nality.html?cat=25 & com=2#comments

>

> It's a good article.

>

> There is a BPD down in the comments section raging about how unfair the

> portrayal of them is. Just like them. Me me me.

>

> Perhaps one of the strengths of growing up with BPD parents could be the

> ability to detach from a society we perhaps never felt part of anyway, and

> think for ourselves among it. Make our own choices. The absence of choice,

> of voice, and of self trust, to the extent children of BPD parents

> experience, can perhaps flip to an extent of the freedom of integrity. When

> we get our self respect and assertion back in a healthy manner, won't we

> guard it? Don't we know its value? Intense powerlessness can be willingly

> changed into empowerment. It is choice. Our parents seemed to lack the

> ability to choose and discern and we must rebel against that.

>

> Why did you stop the ballet?

>

> If it helps think of mothers day as a money making scheme, lol

>

> And your birthday, your day if ever there was one. Change your phone

> number. Zero tolerance, zero compassion, that's my view. I don't see why the

> rights of our parents take such precedent over our sense of wellbeing right

> into adulthood. That has got to be a sign of craziness in us. There need be

> no conflict. Perhaps this is my mother coming out in me but it really is

> black and white. Unless the BPD changes, genuinely, and can then ride their

> magical unicorn to your house and with the swish of a wand, make a rainbow

> of jellybeans appear in your kitchen for breakfast, forget it. You know

> exactly what to expect. You don't keep putting your hand in a fire.

>

> End rant.

> You can tell *somebody's* a bit pissed off -whistles-

>

>

> >

> > So a few things are happening, and I'm just curious how to deal with nada

> and these things that may require contact even though I'm basically NC.

> >

> > 1. My birthday is later this month. I do not wish to have any contact

> with her regarding my birthday. In fact, should I get a call from her, I

> feel like even knowing she called me would piss me off. She probably will

> call, it will definitely go to voicemail, but I have to work on ignoring it

> and not letting her get to me. Not letting her control me.

> >

> > 2. Mother's Day is next month, and I don't give two shits about her

> having a happy mother's day. But for some reason I'm feeling like I would be

> a bad daughter if I don't call or send a card. I know that's the FOG

> speaking. I'm pretty sure I don't love her. In fact, I really dislike her

> (you all know this).

> >

> > 3. I am very close to being offered a job in another part of the country

> (and I'm totally stoked about it except that I will have to get a new T and

> I like mine). My dad and stepmom have been great cheerleaders for me through

> the process. And my grandma on my dad's side knows about the job, but I have

> not mentioned it to my one brother who I do talk to occasionally, and of

> course not to nada or estranged flying monkey brother. I will not tell

> either of them. I don't want to. I will not give either of them my new

> information if I move. I do not trust brother not to give it to nada, and I

> do not want nada to have it.

> >

> > I guess I'm just feeling weird because I'm not doing the things that a

> " typical good daughter " would do. Of course, I don't have a typical mother

> or even a good mother or even a mother.

> >

> > Here's something else: sometimes on this board, new people come on or

> even people who have been here a while, and say that regardless of the BPD,

> their mother is a good person. I cannot fathom saying that. I know that

> there are things that nada has done that could seem like good deeds, but to

> me, I see all the manipulation behind them. If someone is sick, she takes

> care of them to prove she is a good person or better than other people or to

> get recognition for it. When I help out a sick friend, I do it because I

> care about my friend and I want to help them. I don't care if they thank me

> or not. I live in a car-free community of friends, and I get heart sick if I

> think of a friend who is home with the flu without soup or groceries. That

> is one thing that helps when you own a car--if you are sick you don't feel

> like walking or cycling to the store. So I might deliver soup or groceries

> to a sick friend, because I care, not for some kind of ego boost.

> >

> > People on this forum say they remember the good times and that help them

> through the bad. I can't look at the good times and let that negate the bad

> times. Because the good times were few and far between, and I don't trust

> them. Basically it was bad all the time, and the good times were extreme

> anomalies. I hear in my head family members saying things like: look at what

> she gave up for you or look at how hard she worked to raise you or provide

> for you. But how does any of that make up for the abuse and emotional damage

> she did to me? For the time and years of my life that she stole from me?

> >

> > I described for my T this week how angry I was and sad that I have always

> felt like the first 25-27 years of my life (and I'm only approaching 31)

> were these lost year that I had no control or choice over my own actions or

> choices. We got into a discussion about, well, he said " you felt like you

> had no choice " and I had to keep correcting him that " I had no choice " . And

> I had to explain to him that while adult understands that maybe there

> was a choice, child didn't understand the principles of a decision

> and a choice. To child , there was only this one way, and there was no

> other way to consider. Child had no clue that there could be any

> other way. So while, yes, I felt like I had no choice, I really didn't.

> Because I was a child, and there was no way to know something that hadn't

> been taught to me. If you've never been given a choice or shown any other

> way of being, you don't know that there is an option.

> >

> > At first he thought I was arguing semantics but when I explained, he

> understood the difference that was important to me. So the thing is, I

> realized that my entire life, until this point, I was never allowed to

> changed my mind. And all those years leading up to about 2 years ago, I feel

> like they are entirely lost, in another dimension, like I didn't exist as an

> " I " , as a sentient being that could have power over my own destiny. So I am

> finally learning how to change my mind and decide that if something isn't

> making me happy or I want to try something new, that I can do that.

> >

> > Until 4 months ago, I had never missed a ballet class in my life. I

> decided not to go one morning, and then didn't go again until this morning.

> And I only really went this morning to catch up with a friend I haven't seen

> in a while. I'm not sure I care to go back again. I'm not sure I want to

> dance ever again. I mean, okay, a little history, I was a professional

> dancer. So that's a big statement for me.

> >

> > Okay, I'm just going on and on now. I'd really be interested in other

> people's thoughts on all these things.

> >

> >

> > Total badass marathon runner

> >

>

>

>