illogical concern over boundaries

April 3, 2011

So last week my boss asked me to go to lunch or breakfast with a former

co-worker and her new baby. I didn't want to. The backstory - there was no

love lost between waif boss and this coworker. I wonder if waif boss didn't

realize how much coworker disliked her. Anyway, I wasn't really in love with

coworker either, I thought she was lazy, and she did things like expecting

me to give her a wedding gift when i wasn't even welcome to attend her

wedding. She had mega boundaries, so high that she would turn down

assignements that needed to be done. And guess who ended up doing them - me

of course.

So anyway, coworker basically got let go in a very nice way. They said she

was going to freelance. She hasn't done even one project that I know of as a

freelancer, our office manager wouldn't let us use her because her rate was

too high (again the boundary - she knows what we can afford and if she were

interested she wouldn't have priced us out). So then she got knocked up and

had a kid.

In January waif boss said " being a better friend " was her New Year's

resolution. I SNORTED because she really is a horrible friend, but I didn't

think she would even know where to start. She set her sites on being a

better friend to now laid off/fired coworker. I'm like what the hell, why

would you choose this person, who is almost 30 years younger than you, and

doesn't really like you.

So waif boss decides to throw a baby shower for coworker. We had a date set,

I went and got a present and I was all ready to go. Well coworker canceled

it. I'm like oh ok, I didn't really want to go anyway. A couple months go

by. Waif boss sends an e-mail at the end of last week with new dates and

wants to know when I can go. My problems with it are this:

1) I have no interest in investing in a friendship with coworker. If I want

to talk to her I will just call, e-mail or text her. I would rather have a

one on one relationship rather than be the buffer between her and waif boss.

I believe this is why waif boss wants me to go - to be the buffer. And then

after she can feel good about having acted like a better friend.

2) If waif boss is trying to be a better friend - then that is great. Why do

I have to be there for it?

3) If coworker wanted to have lunch with me, she would have kept our

appointment. Since she didn't, i can only assume it isn't a big priority for

her.

4) I just don't want to go next week. I have a lot to do and a lot on my

mind. Its my busy season at my job and I am also curating an art show and

planning another event in my private time. I don't want to take time away

from my priorities right now.

So I decided to use my voice. I sent waif boss an email and said I am busy

and next week isn't ideal for me. I asked her to take the baby my gift and

to go without me.

Now, can you guess what waif boss would do in response???????

Of course, she refused to take no for an answer. She came out of her office

and said " well, can't you go this day at this time (the time that works for

her)? " and I said no, I'm really busy at the office and all my free time is

tied up in my show. So she presses and she presses. And she says " Oh are you

sure its okay if I go and take your gift? That's not okay for you. " And I'm

like " No, I'm good, it'd be great if you would give her my gift. " So then

waif boss is trying to get coworker and baby to come to our office - - - on

the inside I'm like " what the hell why is it so important to you that I see

this person? "

I don't get it - it's her new year's resolution, not mine. I'm a great

friend to people I care about. Why should I invest in someone I don't really

care about? Who has proven herself unsafe time and time again? Why is

setting this boundary so difficult???

I feel like waif boss is going to totally freak out at me over it. Now that

I think about it, coworker hasn't even e-mailed me any pictures of the baby.

DUh, we are just not that close. . . I have other things to do! So does she!

But I'm scared to death that waif boss won't let me keep this boundary. She

has been battering on it with her waify battering ram. What next? What

should I do? Should I just tell her the truth? If it were important to

co-worker she would have kept the first appointment?

April 3, 2011

In my opinion its inappropriate for your boss to pressure you to do personal

favors for her that involve your free time, which includes your lunch hour. You

have the right to say, " No, thanks " in a polite but firm way.

If your boss chooses to bring this former co-worker into the office for a social

visit with her staff (you) during working hours/on company time, then, that is

*bizarre* but that is her business. If she does that, then she will have to

account for that decision to *her* boss RE improper use of company time and

resources.

However, and this is an important " however " , if you very, very badly need this

job and taking a polite but firm & reasonable stand with your boss RE this

former co-worker issue will get you fired or make her feel antagonistic toward

you (and perhaps motivate her to hound/harass you into quitting) then, you have

to think carefully about this and assess how important this issue is to you vs

keeping on good terms with this boss.

NO job, no boss, no family, no lover, no home... *nothing* is perfect and ideal

all of the time. That's just... reality.

Only you know whether this issue is worth possibly risking your job over, or

not.

-Annie

>

> So last week my boss asked me to go to lunch or breakfast with a former

> co-worker and her new baby. I didn't want to. The backstory - there was no

> love lost between waif boss and this coworker. I wonder if waif boss didn't

> realize how much coworker disliked her. Anyway, I wasn't really in love with

> coworker either, I thought she was lazy, and she did things like expecting

> me to give her a wedding gift when i wasn't even welcome to attend her

> wedding. She had mega boundaries, so high that she would turn down

> assignements that needed to be done. And guess who ended up doing them - me

> of course.

>

> So anyway, coworker basically got let go in a very nice way. They said she

> was going to freelance. She hasn't done even one project that I know of as a

> freelancer, our office manager wouldn't let us use her because her rate was

> too high (again the boundary - she knows what we can afford and if she were

> interested she wouldn't have priced us out). So then she got knocked up and

> had a kid.

>

> In January waif boss said " being a better friend " was her New Year's

> resolution. I SNORTED because she really is a horrible friend, but I didn't

> think she would even know where to start. She set her sites on being a

> better friend to now laid off/fired coworker. I'm like what the hell, why

> would you choose this person, who is almost 30 years younger than you, and

> doesn't really like you.

>

> So waif boss decides to throw a baby shower for coworker. We had a date set,

> I went and got a present and I was all ready to go. Well coworker canceled

> it. I'm like oh ok, I didn't really want to go anyway. A couple months go

> by. Waif boss sends an e-mail at the end of last week with new dates and

> wants to know when I can go. My problems with it are this:

> 1) I have no interest in investing in a friendship with coworker. If I want

> to talk to her I will just call, e-mail or text her. I would rather have a

> one on one relationship rather than be the buffer between her and waif boss.

> I believe this is why waif boss wants me to go - to be the buffer. And then

> after she can feel good about having acted like a better friend.

> 2) If waif boss is trying to be a better friend - then that is great. Why do

> I have to be there for it?

> 3) If coworker wanted to have lunch with me, she would have kept our

> appointment. Since she didn't, i can only assume it isn't a big priority for

> her.

> 4) I just don't want to go next week. I have a lot to do and a lot on my

> mind. Its my busy season at my job and I am also curating an art show and

> planning another event in my private time. I don't want to take time away

> from my priorities right now.

>

> So I decided to use my voice. I sent waif boss an email and said I am busy

> and next week isn't ideal for me. I asked her to take the baby my gift and

> to go without me.

>

> Now, can you guess what waif boss would do in response???????

>

> Of course, she refused to take no for an answer. She came out of her office

> and said " well, can't you go this day at this time (the time that works for

> her)? " and I said no, I'm really busy at the office and all my free time is

> tied up in my show. So she presses and she presses. And she says " Oh are you

> sure its okay if I go and take your gift? That's not okay for you. " And I'm

> like " No, I'm good, it'd be great if you would give her my gift. " So then

> waif boss is trying to get coworker and baby to come to our office - - - on

> the inside I'm like " what the hell why is it so important to you that I see

> this person? "

>

> I don't get it - it's her new year's resolution, not mine. I'm a great

> friend to people I care about. Why should I invest in someone I don't really

> care about? Who has proven herself unsafe time and time again? Why is

> setting this boundary so difficult???

> I feel like waif boss is going to totally freak out at me over it. Now that

> I think about it, coworker hasn't even e-mailed me any pictures of the baby.

> DUh, we are just not that close. . . I have other things to do! So does she!

>

> But I'm scared to death that waif boss won't let me keep this boundary. She

> has been battering on it with her waify battering ram. What next? What

> should I do? Should I just tell her the truth? If it were important to

> co-worker she would have kept the first appointment?

>

April 3, 2011

Annie you are right! I'm sure that if I say no it won't risk my job. BUT I

do worry that the sum total of asserting boundaries over time could affect

her assessment of me. However, I feel I have a 50/50 chance that it will

make me better liked and more valued as an employee vs. hated. After all,

one of the things that started me on the therapy journey was learning that

co-dependents never get promoted. . .

thank you xoxo

On Sun, Apr 3, 2011 at 11:17 AM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

> In my opinion its inappropriate for your boss to pressure you to do

> personal favors for her that involve your free time, which includes your

> lunch hour. You have the right to say, " No, thanks " in a polite but firm

> way.

>

> If your boss chooses to bring this former co-worker into the office for a

> social visit with her staff (you) during working hours/on company time,

> then, that is *bizarre* but that is her business. If she does that, then she

> will have to account for that decision to *her* boss RE improper use of

> company time and resources.

>

> However, and this is an important " however " , if you very, very badly need

> this job and taking a polite but firm & reasonable stand with your boss RE

> this former co-worker issue will get you fired or make her feel antagonistic

> toward you (and perhaps motivate her to hound/harass you into quitting)

> then, you have to think carefully about this and assess how important this

> issue is to you vs keeping on good terms with this boss.

>

> NO job, no boss, no family, no lover, no home... *nothing* is perfect and

> ideal all of the time. That's just... reality.

>

> Only you know whether this issue is worth possibly risking your job over,

> or not.

>

> -Annie

>

> >

> > So last week my boss asked me to go to lunch or breakfast with a former

> > co-worker and her new baby. I didn't want to. The backstory - there was

> no

> > love lost between waif boss and this coworker. I wonder if waif boss

> didn't

> > realize how much coworker disliked her. Anyway, I wasn't really in love

> with

> > coworker either, I thought she was lazy, and she did things like

> expecting

> > me to give her a wedding gift when i wasn't even welcome to attend her

> > wedding. She had mega boundaries, so high that she would turn down

> > assignements that needed to be done. And guess who ended up doing them -

> me

> > of course.

> >

> > So anyway, coworker basically got let go in a very nice way. They said

> she

> > was going to freelance. She hasn't done even one project that I know of

> as a

> > freelancer, our office manager wouldn't let us use her because her rate

> was

> > too high (again the boundary - she knows what we can afford and if she

> were

> > interested she wouldn't have priced us out). So then she got knocked up

> and

> > had a kid.

> >

> > In January waif boss said " being a better friend " was her New Year's

> > resolution. I SNORTED because she really is a horrible friend, but I

> didn't

> > think she would even know where to start. She set her sites on being a

> > better friend to now laid off/fired coworker. I'm like what the hell, why

> > would you choose this person, who is almost 30 years younger than you,

> and

> > doesn't really like you.

> >

> > So waif boss decides to throw a baby shower for coworker. We had a date

> set,

> > I went and got a present and I was all ready to go. Well coworker

> canceled

> > it. I'm like oh ok, I didn't really want to go anyway. A couple months go

> > by. Waif boss sends an e-mail at the end of last week with new dates and

> > wants to know when I can go. My problems with it are this:

> > 1) I have no interest in investing in a friendship with coworker. If I

> want

> > to talk to her I will just call, e-mail or text her. I would rather have

> a

> > one on one relationship rather than be the buffer between her and waif

> boss.

> > I believe this is why waif boss wants me to go - to be the buffer. And

> then

> > after she can feel good about having acted like a better friend.

> > 2) If waif boss is trying to be a better friend - then that is great. Why

> do

> > I have to be there for it?

> > 3) If coworker wanted to have lunch with me, she would have kept our

> > appointment. Since she didn't, i can only assume it isn't a big priority

> for

> > her.

> > 4) I just don't want to go next week. I have a lot to do and a lot on my

> > mind. Its my busy season at my job and I am also curating an art show and

> > planning another event in my private time. I don't want to take time away

> > from my priorities right now.

> >

> > So I decided to use my voice. I sent waif boss an email and said I am

> busy

> > and next week isn't ideal for me. I asked her to take the baby my gift

> and

> > to go without me.

> >

> > Now, can you guess what waif boss would do in response???????

> >

> > Of course, she refused to take no for an answer. She came out of her

> office

> > and said " well, can't you go this day at this time (the time that works

> for

> > her)? " and I said no, I'm really busy at the office and all my free time

> is

> > tied up in my show. So she presses and she presses. And she says " Oh are

> you

> > sure its okay if I go and take your gift? That's not okay for you. " And

> I'm

> > like " No, I'm good, it'd be great if you would give her my gift. " So then

> > waif boss is trying to get coworker and baby to come to our office - - -

> on

> > the inside I'm like " what the hell why is it so important to you that I

> see

> > this person? "

> >

> > I don't get it - it's her new year's resolution, not mine. I'm a great

> > friend to people I care about. Why should I invest in someone I don't

> really

> > care about? Who has proven herself unsafe time and time again? Why is

> > setting this boundary so difficult???

> > I feel like waif boss is going to totally freak out at me over it. Now

> that

> > I think about it, coworker hasn't even e-mailed me any pictures of the

> baby.

> > DUh, we are just not that close. . . I have other things to do! So does

> she!

> >

> > But I'm scared to death that waif boss won't let me keep this boundary.

> She

> > has been battering on it with her waify battering ram. What next? What

> > should I do? Should I just tell her the truth? If it were important to

> > co-worker she would have kept the first appointment?

> >

April 3, 2011

OMG! Girlscout! I am having similar co-dependency issues with my boss. I thought

we were just close, but after beginning therapy and everything, I realized that

she is co-dependent on her job, and me in a way. So she resists anything that

would allow me to move up or away from her because she is so co-dependent on it.

I feel bad because she is a good person, she's been a great mentor, etc., but

over the past 2 years, as I really began to excel in my job and show leadership,

she has been doing things, like saying things to me, etc., to try and keep me

down. Just sort of little snide remarks or backhanded compliments or passive

aggressive stuff that I can tell clearly comes from a place that she is

threatened and also jealous that I am clearly going to move up and be executive

management some day soon.

She has total co-dependency issues on her job. Just listening to some of the

things she says in regards to work and getting the job done and never speaking

up when something is wrong, etc. We have butted heads definitely on things that

happen in the workplace that I think are wrong. And I can't even go to her about

it because she will do NOTHING about it. I usually have to go directly to HR.

For example, a while back our chief of security requested that we all give him

our social security #s and birth dates. She reamed me out in front of everyone

for refusing and not being a team player. I took the matter to HR and they were

livid that the Chief of Security had done something so stupid and put the

company in so much liability. HR said I did not ever have to provide that

information to anyone and that it was just fine for me to tell the Chief to go

request that info from HR.

I told my boss about my conversation with HR, and she was immediately upset that

she had given him her info and that she hadn't spoken up but she was afraid to.

Because if she ever disagrees with something, she thinks she'll get in trouble.

That's just the tip of the iceberg with her co-dependency issues. It's funny

though, because we are friends and she knows about nada and has been VERY

supportive of the stuff I've been going through. And I once was telling her

about some things about personality disorders and she got all wide-eyed and

started talking about her father, who she had a " bad relationship " with for her

whole life until he had a stroke. She brought up how she hated him for the

things he said or did, and I could totally see that she is a KO too, and is just

too scared to confront her current reality that she could have a different life.

She sort of thinks because he had this stroke and is different, I guess, that

it's all better. Of course, I could never tell her that I think she has

co-dependency issues, because she's my superior and boy would that be a mistake.

But sometimes I try to share information in a way that maybe will make her think

about her own actions/reactions.

Anyways, I totally understand the co-dependent boss situation. I am hoping to

get out of it soon. Honestly though, she's not totally to blame. We have worked

very closely together and become good friends, and I didn't realize that would

be an issue, until I got to the point where I can do her job. She sort of

doesn't want to admit that I am experienced enough to do her job or move up.

Blah, I've gone on too much..

April 3, 2011

- do I ever hear you woman!!!! And yes, I could TOTALLY do my boss'

job easy peasy. I really think I'd do it better than her because I know

when and how to say no. She has all those issues that you describe.

The poor woman (I do feel bad for her - who doesn't feel bad for a waif)

can't even enjoy a break from work. After 2 or 3 days she starts calling me

and wanting to go back to the office. I can only assume that her home life

isn't that stimulating, fun, loving or supportive - because I DO NOT miss my

job when I'm not there. I was away for about 10 days straight in Feb, and

yes I was ready to go back to my routine at the end of it, but I think for

totally different reasons. When I have time off over Christmas and stuff she

usually tries to come by my house to see me. She calls texts, and pays a

little too much attention on facebook to what i'm doing - not so much

interacting and having fun together, as just noticing so she can say oh

where did you get those earrings or whatever when I see her at work again.

The whole thing weirds me out.

She's even to the point that she is in total dissociation from real life.

She has this male opera singer she just loves and she talks about him non

stop and has his photo where her husbands photo should go etc. So anyway,

she rarely posts to facebook but this weekend she has posted 2 different

news stories about him.

I'm like aaaaahhhh errrrr creep alert!

I don't know what to do with her. Just boundaries boundaries boundaries. I'm

always nice to her. And respectful. But I'm also very careful to be true to

myself.

Yeah, I've outgrown my job in so many ways. She'll never promote me though,

because she would be too threatened. PLEASE BABY JESUS LET ME FIND ANOTHER

JOB!!!!!!

I actually think it'll be a lot of the same issues in my future job but

hopefully knowing now what I didn't know then will allow me to set

boundaries at the outset. And I'm bored with my level of responsability and

ready to be excited and challenged. I know things are going to change for me

but I don't know exactly how - or when - or where. I want to move, change my

name, get a new job everything and just take my little family with me. I

don't know why I feel this need for change. I just do.

>

> OMG! Girlscout! I am having similar co-dependency issues with my boss. I

> thought we were just close, but after beginning therapy and everything, I

> realized that she is co-dependent on her job, and me in a way. So she

> resists anything that would allow me to move up or away from her because she

> is so co-dependent on it. I feel bad because she is a good person, she's

> been a great mentor, etc., but over the past 2 years, as I really began to

> excel in my job and show leadership, she has been doing things, like saying

> things to me, etc., to try and keep me down. Just sort of little snide

> remarks or backhanded compliments or passive aggressive stuff that I can

> tell clearly comes from a place that she is threatened and also jealous that

> I am clearly going to move up and be executive management some day soon.

>

> She has total co-dependency issues on her job. Just listening to some of

> the things she says in regards to work and getting the job done and never

> speaking up when something is wrong, etc. We have butted heads definitely on

> things that happen in the workplace that I think are wrong. And I can't even

> go to her about it because she will do NOTHING about it. I usually have to

> go directly to HR. For example, a while back our chief of security requested

> that we all give him our social security #s and birth dates. She reamed me

> out in front of everyone for refusing and not being a team player. I took

> the matter to HR and they were livid that the Chief of Security had done

> something so stupid and put the company in so much liability. HR said I did

> not ever have to provide that information to anyone and that it was just

> fine for me to tell the Chief to go request that info from HR.

>

> I told my boss about my conversation with HR, and she was immediately upset

> that she had given him her info and that she hadn't spoken up but she was

> afraid to. Because if she ever disagrees with something, she thinks she'll

> get in trouble.

>

> That's just the tip of the iceberg with her co-dependency issues. It's

> funny though, because we are friends and she knows about nada and has been

> VERY supportive of the stuff I've been going through. And I once was telling

> her about some things about personality disorders and she got all wide-eyed

> and started talking about her father, who she had a " bad relationship " with

> for her whole life until he had a stroke. She brought up how she hated him

> for the things he said or did, and I could totally see that she is a KO too,

> and is just too scared to confront her current reality that she could have a

> different life. She sort of thinks because he had this stroke and is

> different, I guess, that it's all better. Of course, I could never tell her

> that I think she has co-dependency issues, because she's my superior and boy

> would that be a mistake. But sometimes I try to share information in a way

> that maybe will make her think about her own actions/reactions.

>

> Anyways, I totally understand the co-dependent boss situation. I am hoping

> to get out of it soon. Honestly though, she's not totally to blame. We have

> worked very closely together and become good friends, and I didn't realize

> that would be an issue, until I got to the point where I can do her job. She

> sort of doesn't want to admit that I am experienced enough to do her job or

> move up.

>

> Blah, I've gone on too much..

>

April 3, 2011

Girlscout, it's just F***ing insane that what you wrote sounds like something I

could've written! My boss isn't so bad with boundaries, but definitely her

personal life doesn't exist. She has a boyfriend she's also co-dependent on and

she wants more commitment and, I guess, marriage, and she's very frustrated that

after 5 years he still won't get his own place and has a roommate. She complains

that he never makes plans with her, she has to do all the planning, and that he

always invites his roommate. And she just doesn't get that if he's not moving to

the next level after 5 years, well, he probably won't. And she's too afraid to

move on, because just like her job, she's too afraid. So she stays in a bad

situation because she's afraid to ask for something better.

>

> >

> > OMG! Girlscout! I am having similar co-dependency issues with my boss. I

> > thought we were just close, but after beginning therapy and everything, I

> > realized that she is co-dependent on her job, and me in a way. So she

> > resists anything that would allow me to move up or away from her because she

> > is so co-dependent on it. I feel bad because she is a good person, she's

> > been a great mentor, etc., but over the past 2 years, as I really began to

> > excel in my job and show leadership, she has been doing things, like saying

> > things to me, etc., to try and keep me down. Just sort of little snide

> > remarks or backhanded compliments or passive aggressive stuff that I can

> > tell clearly comes from a place that she is threatened and also jealous that

> > I am clearly going to move up and be executive management some day soon.

> >

> > She has total co-dependency issues on her job. Just listening to some of

> > the things she says in regards to work and getting the job done and never

> > speaking up when something is wrong, etc. We have butted heads definitely on

> > things that happen in the workplace that I think are wrong. And I can't even

> > go to her about it because she will do NOTHING about it. I usually have to

> > go directly to HR. For example, a while back our chief of security requested

> > that we all give him our social security #s and birth dates. She reamed me

> > out in front of everyone for refusing and not being a team player. I took

> > the matter to HR and they were livid that the Chief of Security had done

> > something so stupid and put the company in so much liability. HR said I did

> > not ever have to provide that information to anyone and that it was just

> > fine for me to tell the Chief to go request that info from HR.

> >

> > I told my boss about my conversation with HR, and she was immediately upset

> > that she had given him her info and that she hadn't spoken up but she was

> > afraid to. Because if she ever disagrees with something, she thinks she'll

> > get in trouble.

> >

> > That's just the tip of the iceberg with her co-dependency issues. It's

> > funny though, because we are friends and she knows about nada and has been

> > VERY supportive of the stuff I've been going through. And I once was telling

> > her about some things about personality disorders and she got all wide-eyed

> > and started talking about her father, who she had a " bad relationship " with

> > for her whole life until he had a stroke. She brought up how she hated him

> > for the things he said or did, and I could totally see that she is a KO too,

> > and is just too scared to confront her current reality that she could have a

> > different life. She sort of thinks because he had this stroke and is

> > different, I guess, that it's all better. Of course, I could never tell her

> > that I think she has co-dependency issues, because she's my superior and boy

> > would that be a mistake. But sometimes I try to share information in a way

> > that maybe will make her think about her own actions/reactions.

> >

> > Anyways, I totally understand the co-dependent boss situation. I am hoping

> > to get out of it soon. Honestly though, she's not totally to blame. We have

> > worked very closely together and become good friends, and I didn't realize

> > that would be an issue, until I got to the point where I can do her job. She

> > sort of doesn't want to admit that I am experienced enough to do her job or

> > move up.

> >

> > Blah, I've gone on too much..

> >

>

April 3, 2011

Oh boy, sounds like the boyfriend is trying to drop a hint!

Waif boss has been married for like 35 years. I don't think she has much in

common with her husband after all those years. He likes the outdoors and she

likes to shop. . .for instance. And i also think that emotionally the

husband is married to his mother still. And the waif boss has 2 daughters -

1 has her own biz and I think uses it as an excuse to avoid W.B. and

daughter 2 has a TON of emotional problems and moved back in with her

parents and is doing all sorts of weird alternative medicine - when really

she probably just needs anti-depressants and therapy.

W.B. can't sleep half the time and has anxiety problems. I over heard a

coworker suggest she take meds for the anxiety and W.B. said " I don't DO

meds. "

My nada always used to use that exact phrase " I don't DO vegetables. " " I

don't DO yardwork. " " I don't DO horses. " I don't DO camping. "

I'm not saying meds are the answer, but I def think they can be a PART of

the answer and maybe help you get started on your way to the whole answer.

But that would require enough humility to accept that you have a problem,

that if you change you can recieve help etc. W.B. wants to whine and be the

victim, but she doesn't actually want help.

>

> Girlscout, it's just F***ing insane that what you wrote sounds like

> something I could've written! My boss isn't so bad with boundaries, but

> definitely her personal life doesn't exist. She has a boyfriend she's also

> co-dependent on and she wants more commitment and, I guess, marriage, and

> she's very frustrated that after 5 years he still won't get his own place

> and has a roommate. She complains that he never makes plans with her, she

> has to do all the planning, and that he always invites his roommate. And she

> just doesn't get that if he's not moving to the next level after 5 years,

> well, he probably won't. And she's too afraid to move on, because just like

> her job, she's too afraid. So she stays in a bad situation because she's

> afraid to ask for something better.

>

> >

> > >

> > > OMG! Girlscout! I am having similar co-dependency issues with my boss.

> I

> > > thought we were just close, but after beginning therapy and everything,

> I

> > > realized that she is co-dependent on her job, and me in a way. So she

> > > resists anything that would allow me to move up or away from her

> because she

> > > is so co-dependent on it. I feel bad because she is a good person,

> she's

> > > been a great mentor, etc., but over the past 2 years, as I really began

> to

> > > excel in my job and show leadership, she has been doing things, like

> saying

> > > things to me, etc., to try and keep me down. Just sort of little snide

> > > remarks or backhanded compliments or passive aggressive stuff that I

> can

> > > tell clearly comes from a place that she is threatened and also jealous

> that

> > > I am clearly going to move up and be executive management some day

> soon.

> > >

> > > She has total co-dependency issues on her job. Just listening to some

> of

> > > the things she says in regards to work and getting the job done and

> never

> > > speaking up when something is wrong, etc. We have butted heads

> definitely on

> > > things that happen in the workplace that I think are wrong. And I can't

> even

> > > go to her about it because she will do NOTHING about it. I usually have

> to

> > > go directly to HR. For example, a while back our chief of security

> requested

> > > that we all give him our social security #s and birth dates. She reamed

> me

> > > out in front of everyone for refusing and not being a team player. I

> took

> > > the matter to HR and they were livid that the Chief of Security had

> done

> > > something so stupid and put the company in so much liability. HR said I

> did

> > > not ever have to provide that information to anyone and that it was

> just

> > > fine for me to tell the Chief to go request that info from HR.

> > >

> > > I told my boss about my conversation with HR, and she was immediately

> upset

> > > that she had given him her info and that she hadn't spoken up but she

> was

> > > afraid to. Because if she ever disagrees with something, she thinks

> she'll

> > > get in trouble.

> > >

> > > That's just the tip of the iceberg with her co-dependency issues. It's

> > > funny though, because we are friends and she knows about nada and has

> been

> > > VERY supportive of the stuff I've been going through. And I once was

> telling

> > > her about some things about personality disorders and she got all

> wide-eyed

> > > and started talking about her father, who she had a " bad relationship "

> with

> > > for her whole life until he had a stroke. She brought up how she hated

> him

> > > for the things he said or did, and I could totally see that she is a KO

> too,

> > > and is just too scared to confront her current reality that she could

> have a

> > > different life. She sort of thinks because he had this stroke and is

> > > different, I guess, that it's all better. Of course, I could never tell

> her

> > > that I think she has co-dependency issues, because she's my superior

> and boy

> > > would that be a mistake. But sometimes I try to share information in a

> way

> > > that maybe will make her think about her own actions/reactions.

> > >

> > > Anyways, I totally understand the co-dependent boss situation. I am

> hoping

> > > to get out of it soon. Honestly though, she's not totally to blame. We

> have

> > > worked very closely together and become good friends, and I didn't

> realize

> > > that would be an issue, until I got to the point where I can do her

> job. She

> > > sort of doesn't want to admit that I am experienced enough to do her

> job or

> > > move up.

> > >

> > > Blah, I've gone on too much..

> > >

> >

April 4, 2011

Girlscount - I second what Annie said. I read your post right after you posted

it but didn't have a chance to respond this weekend.

I too was wondering how much asserting yourself would jeopardize your job.

It sounds like your boss is going to corner you into it regardless of how to you

try to " excuse " your way out and you will have to give a firm, but polite - " No

thanks, I would rather not " or end up going.

Another thing I was thinking. You said she was a horrible friend and her NY

resolution was to be a better friend. And don't you find it ironic that she

chose the most unlikely person to be a " better friend " to?? Subconsciously,

don't you think she did that because she knows this person is self-centered, has

no desire to reciprocate a friendship, it would flop miserably, and she could

say " I tried to be a better friend!! I don't know what happened! " so she is the

martyr? Maybe my waif mom's tactics are influencing my interpretation of this

but this was my first thought.

I also second that she is using you as a buffer, you nailed it on the head.

If you don't think it would jeopardize your job to give a nice, but firm " No " I

say do what your gut says!

Fredia

> > >

> > > >

> > > > OMG! Girlscout! I am having similar co-dependency issues with my boss.

> > I

> > > > thought we were just close, but after beginning therapy and everything,

> > I

> > > > realized that she is co-dependent on her job, and me in a way. So she

> > > > resists anything that would allow me to move up or away from her

> > because she

> > > > is so co-dependent on it. I feel bad because she is a good person,

> > she's

> > > > been a great mentor, etc., but over the past 2 years, as I really began

> > to

> > > > excel in my job and show leadership, she has been doing things, like

> > saying

> > > > things to me, etc., to try and keep me down. Just sort of little snide

> > > > remarks or backhanded compliments or passive aggressive stuff that I

> > can

> > > > tell clearly comes from a place that she is threatened and also jealous

> > that

> > > > I am clearly going to move up and be executive management some day

> > soon.

> > > >

> > > > She has total co-dependency issues on her job. Just listening to some

> > of

> > > > the things she says in regards to work and getting the job done and

> > never

> > > > speaking up when something is wrong, etc. We have butted heads

> > definitely on

> > > > things that happen in the workplace that I think are wrong. And I can't

> > even

> > > > go to her about it because she will do NOTHING about it. I usually have

> > to

> > > > go directly to HR. For example, a while back our chief of security

> > requested

> > > > that we all give him our social security #s and birth dates. She reamed

> > me

> > > > out in front of everyone for refusing and not being a team player. I

> > took

> > > > the matter to HR and they were livid that the Chief of Security had

> > done

> > > > something so stupid and put the company in so much liability. HR said I

> > did

> > > > not ever have to provide that information to anyone and that it was

> > just

> > > > fine for me to tell the Chief to go request that info from HR.

> > > >

> > > > I told my boss about my conversation with HR, and she was immediately

> > upset

> > > > that she had given him her info and that she hadn't spoken up but she

> > was

> > > > afraid to. Because if she ever disagrees with something, she thinks

> > she'll

> > > > get in trouble.

> > > >

> > > > That's just the tip of the iceberg with her co-dependency issues. It's

> > > > funny though, because we are friends and she knows about nada and has

> > been

> > > > VERY supportive of the stuff I've been going through. And I once was

> > telling

> > > > her about some things about personality disorders and she got all

> > wide-eyed

> > > > and started talking about her father, who she had a " bad relationship "

> > with

> > > > for her whole life until he had a stroke. She brought up how she hated

> > him

> > > > for the things he said or did, and I could totally see that she is a KO

> > too,

> > > > and is just too scared to confront her current reality that she could

> > have a

> > > > different life. She sort of thinks because he had this stroke and is

> > > > different, I guess, that it's all better. Of course, I could never tell

> > her

> > > > that I think she has co-dependency issues, because she's my superior

> > and boy

> > > > would that be a mistake. But sometimes I try to share information in a

> > way

> > > > that maybe will make her think about her own actions/reactions.

> > > >

> > > > Anyways, I totally understand the co-dependent boss situation. I am

> > hoping

> > > > to get out of it soon. Honestly though, she's not totally to blame. We

> > have

> > > > worked very closely together and become good friends, and I didn't

> > realize

> > > > that would be an issue, until I got to the point where I can do her

> > job. She

> > > > sort of doesn't want to admit that I am experienced enough to do her

> > job or

> > > > move up.

> > > >

> > > > Blah, I've gone on too much..

> > > >

> > >

April 4, 2011

" Another thing I was thinking. You said she was a horrible friend and her NY

resolution was to be a better friend. And don't you find it ironic that she

chose the most unlikely person to be a " better friend " to?? Subconsciously,

don't you think she did that because she knows this person is self-centered,

has no desire to reciprocate a friendship, it would flop miserably, and she

could say " I tried to be a better friend!! I don't know what happened! " so

she is the martyr? Maybe my waif mom's tactics are influencing my

interpretation of this but this was my first thought. "

YES EXACTLY!!!!!!!

>

> Girlscount - I second what Annie said. I read your post right after you

> posted it but didn't have a chance to respond this weekend.

>

> I too was wondering how much asserting yourself would jeopardize your job.

>

> It sounds like your boss is going to corner you into it regardless of how

> to you try to " excuse " your way out and you will have to give a firm, but

> polite - " No thanks, I would rather not " or end up going.

>

> Another thing I was thinking. You said she was a horrible friend and her NY

> resolution was to be a better friend. And don't you find it ironic that she

> chose the most unlikely person to be a " better friend " to?? Subconsciously,

> don't you think she did that because she knows this person is self-centered,

> has no desire to reciprocate a friendship, it would flop miserably, and she

> could say " I tried to be a better friend!! I don't know what happened! " so

> she is the martyr? Maybe my waif mom's tactics are influencing my

> interpretation of this but this was my first thought.

>

> I also second that she is using you as a buffer, you nailed it on the head.

>

> If you don't think it would jeopardize your job to give a nice, but firm

> " No " I say do what your gut says!

>

> Fredia

>

> > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > OMG! Girlscout! I am having similar co-dependency issues with my

> boss.

> > > I

> > > > > thought we were just close, but after beginning therapy and

> everything,

> > > I

> > > > > realized that she is co-dependent on her job, and me in a way. So

> she

> > > > > resists anything that would allow me to move up or away from her

> > > because she

> > > > > is so co-dependent on it. I feel bad because she is a good person,

> > > she's

> > > > > been a great mentor, etc., but over the past 2 years, as I really

> began

> > > to

> > > > > excel in my job and show leadership, she has been doing things,

> like

> > > saying

> > > > > things to me, etc., to try and keep me down. Just sort of little

> snide

> > > > > remarks or backhanded compliments or passive aggressive stuff that

> I

> > > can

> > > > > tell clearly comes from a place that she is threatened and also

> jealous

> > > that

> > > > > I am clearly going to move up and be executive management some day

> > > soon.

> > > > >

> > > > > She has total co-dependency issues on her job. Just listening to

> some

> > > of

> > > > > the things she says in regards to work and getting the job done and

> > > never

> > > > > speaking up when something is wrong, etc. We have butted heads

> > > definitely on

> > > > > things that happen in the workplace that I think are wrong. And I

> can't

> > > even

> > > > > go to her about it because she will do NOTHING about it. I usually

> have

> > > to

> > > > > go directly to HR. For example, a while back our chief of security

> > > requested

> > > > > that we all give him our social security #s and birth dates. She

> reamed

> > > me

> > > > > out in front of everyone for refusing and not being a team player.

> I

> > > took

> > > > > the matter to HR and they were livid that the Chief of Security had

> > > done

> > > > > something so stupid and put the company in so much liability. HR

> said I

> > > did

> > > > > not ever have to provide that information to anyone and that it was

> > > just

> > > > > fine for me to tell the Chief to go request that info from HR.

> > > > >

> > > > > I told my boss about my conversation with HR, and she was

> immediately

> > > upset

> > > > > that she had given him her info and that she hadn't spoken up but

> she

> > > was

> > > > > afraid to. Because if she ever disagrees with something, she thinks

> > > she'll

> > > > > get in trouble.

> > > > >

> > > > > That's just the tip of the iceberg with her co-dependency issues.

> It's

> > > > > funny though, because we are friends and she knows about nada and

> has

> > > been

> > > > > VERY supportive of the stuff I've been going through. And I once

> was

> > > telling

> > > > > her about some things about personality disorders and she got all

> > > wide-eyed

> > > > > and started talking about her father, who she had a " bad

> relationship "

> > > with

> > > > > for her whole life until he had a stroke. She brought up how she

> hated

> > > him

> > > > > for the things he said or did, and I could totally see that she is

> a KO

> > > too,

> > > > > and is just too scared to confront her current reality that she

> could

> > > have a

> > > > > different life. She sort of thinks because he had this stroke and

> is

> > > > > different, I guess, that it's all better. Of course, I could never

> tell

> > > her

> > > > > that I think she has co-dependency issues, because she's my

> superior

> > > and boy

> > > > > would that be a mistake. But sometimes I try to share information

> in a

> > > way

> > > > > that maybe will make her think about her own actions/reactions.

> > > > >

> > > > > Anyways, I totally understand the co-dependent boss situation. I am

> > > hoping

> > > > > to get out of it soon. Honestly though, she's not totally to blame.

> We

> > > have

> > > > > worked very closely together and become good friends, and I didn't

> > > realize

> > > > > that would be an issue, until I got to the point where I can do her

> > > job. She

> > > > > sort of doesn't want to admit that I am experienced enough to do

> her

> > > job or

> > > > > move up.

> > > > >

> > > > > Blah, I've gone on too much..

> > > > >

> > > >

April 5, 2011

Your boss reminds me of my mother in that, when she does something like make a

change or decide to reach out to somebody, EVERYone must know about it AND

EVERYone must participate.

It almost sounds like your boss is afraid to just reach out to this coworker on

her own, like she needs a team of people behind her. Is she afraid to do stuff

on her own, do you know?

Maybe you should just tell boss the truth. Is your fear that she'll freak on you

or hold it against you later? Whatever your reason, I get your hesitation: it's

hard to say no to a boss.

This is a bizarre situation; I really hate when bosses tell me to take part in

obligatory " fun " events like picnics, happy hour, etc. And it usually puts me on

their bad list. But I take the passive aggressive way out and just leave before

it's time for the event or I'll take the day off or something.

Let us know what happens, GS! Good luck!!

Fiona