Guest guest Posted April 3, 2011 Report Share Posted April 3, 2011 Hello, I just found this group after searching for the " Welcome to Oz " page that I read about in Stop Walking on Eggshells. I believe that my mother has BPD, but I'm sure it will never be diagnosed. Last weekend I was home visiting for Spring Break and had the biggest and most dramatic fight with my mother I have ever had in my life. She kept telling me I was the one with the problem, I was the most judgemental person in the world, I don't care about her, etc etc. She screamed and screamed and I cried and cried. When she told me I was just like my father (who has practically disowned me and neither one of us respects him), I made my mistake and snapped and yelled back. This of course made her angrier and she ultimately yelled at me to leave her room. I proceeded to gather my things and was going to drive back to my college home 2.5 hours away, when she threatened to call the police on me and report my car as stolen so I would be arrested and couldn't leave. She then snatched my purse from the couch and went to hide it in her room so that I wouldn't be able to leave, and if I did, when she had me arrested, I would also get fined for driving without a license. Needless to say, I stayed put. About an hour later she called me into her bedroom to talk and said that I had ruined her life and she had nothing to live for anymore because I wanted to leave her. My grandfather committed suicide, so this is not something that my family takes lightly. Anyway, I am starting therapy tomorrow morning, and I really hope that it helps me cope with this relationship and learn how to handle it in a healthier manner.I am getting married this summer, and my fiance is terrified of my mom and absolutely does not want to ever bring our future kids around her. I completely understand his feelings, and if I didn't love her, I would cut her out of my life in an instant to quit feeling this turmoil and pain. But it's just not that easy. She is my family.... How have you all coped with having a BPD parent? Any experienced a similar situation with marrying someone that doesn't want any contact with the person at all? How do you deal? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 4, 2011 Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 Welcome - oh boy that fight sounds like the classic " I hate you, don't leave me " They fear engulfment so they push you away and yet they also fear abandonment so they pull you back at the same time. As far as a future with nada, most of us have found the best years of our lives in going either NC (no contact) or LC (limited contact with strict boundaries). Since you can't change your parent, you can only change yourself, its important to find boundaries and limits that work for you. In addition to therapy, you might want to check out some books like Stop Walking on Eggshells, The Family Crucible and Understanding the Borderline Mother. Welcome! > > > Hello, > I just found this group after searching for the " Welcome to Oz " page that I > read about in Stop Walking on Eggshells. I believe that my mother has BPD, > but I'm sure it will never be diagnosed. > > Last weekend I was home visiting for Spring Break and had the biggest and > most dramatic fight with my mother I have ever had in my life. She kept > telling me I was the one with the problem, I was the most judgemental person > in the world, I don't care about her, etc etc. She screamed and screamed and > I cried and cried. When she told me I was just like my father (who has > practically disowned me and neither one of us respects him), I made my > mistake and snapped and yelled back. This of course made her angrier and she > ultimately yelled at me to leave her room. I proceeded to gather my things > and was going to drive back to my college home 2.5 hours away, when she > threatened to call the police on me and report my car as stolen so I would > be arrested and couldn't leave. She then snatched my purse from the couch > and went to hide it in her room so that I wouldn't be able to leave, and if > I did, when she had me arrested, I would also get fined for driving without > a license. Needless to say, I stayed put. About an hour later > she called me into her bedroom to talk and said that I had ruined her life > and she had nothing to live for anymore because I wanted to leave her. My > grandfather committed suicide, so this is not something that my family takes > lightly. > > Anyway, I am starting therapy tomorrow morning, and I really hope that it > helps me cope with this relationship and learn how to handle it in a > healthier manner.I am getting married this summer, and my fiance is > terrified of my mom and absolutely does not want to ever bring our future > kids around her. I completely understand his feelings, and if I didn't love > her, I would cut her out of my life in an instant to quit feeling this > turmoil and pain. But it's just not that easy. She is my family.... > > How have you all coped with having a BPD parent? Any experienced a similar > situation with marrying someone that doesn't want any contact with the > person at all? How do you deal? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 4, 2011 Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 Hi there! I too just found this group after reading Stop Walking On Eggshells. My therapist recommended it to me, what an awesome book! It sounds like you and I have exact same situation going on. My mom has episodes similar to that quite often. I guess an advantage I have is that she lives about 1,000 miles away from me, so the majority of our contact is done via telephone. One weeks she's telling me I'm the most unappreciative, selfish, ungrateful child ever, I'm the one that has the problems, along with many other hurtful things and the next week she's so proud of me. Often I end up hanging up on her and then I feel guilty about doing it and call her back. I notice I say " OMG I'm never talking to her again! " Of course, a day later were talking again and often, I'm apologizing. I just don't know what the right thing to do is. I want her to know that I'm here for her if she needs me, but I don't know how to do that I guess. She will be nice for 2 weeks or so and then I get my hopes up that maybe she's getting help or something. My boyfriend thinks I should stop talking to her all together, because at times she can cause strain on our relationship (My boyfriend and I) And we too have the future children issue and how he wants them never around her. I don't know if that's the right thing to do either. Personally I don't think she'll ever get help, she a HF BP and most people think she's great which is hard because no one believes me when I tell my close friends some of the things she's done. Anyway, any advice anyone has would be great. What seems to work best? Hope everyone has a good day! > > Hello, > I just found this group after searching for the " Welcome to Oz " page that I read about in Stop Walking on Eggshells. I believe that my mother has BPD, but I'm sure it will never be diagnosed. > > Last weekend I was home visiting for Spring Break and had the biggest and most dramatic fight with my mother I have ever had in my life. She kept telling me I was the one with the problem, I was the most judgemental person in the world, I don't care about her, etc etc. She screamed and screamed and I cried and cried. When she told me I was just like my father (who has practically disowned me and neither one of us respects him), I made my mistake and snapped and yelled back. This of course made her angrier and she ultimately yelled at me to leave her room. I proceeded to gather my things and was going to drive back to my college home 2.5 hours away, when she threatened to call the police on me and report my car as stolen so I would be arrested and couldn't leave. She then snatched my purse from the couch and went to hide it in her room so that I wouldn't be able to leave, and if I did, when she had me arrested, I would also get fined for driving without a license. Needless to say, I stayed put. About an hour later > she called me into her bedroom to talk and said that I had ruined her life and she had nothing to live for anymore because I wanted to leave her. My grandfather committed suicide, so this is not something that my family takes lightly. > > Anyway, I am starting therapy tomorrow morning, and I really hope that it helps me cope with this relationship and learn how to handle it in a healthier manner.I am getting married this summer, and my fiance is terrified of my mom and absolutely does not want to ever bring our future kids around her. I completely understand his feelings, and if I didn't love her, I would cut her out of my life in an instant to quit feeling this turmoil and pain. But it's just not that easy. She is my family.... > > How have you all coped with having a BPD parent? Any experienced a similar situation with marrying someone that doesn't want any contact with the person at all? How do you deal? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 5, 2011 Report Share Posted April 5, 2011 I'm with boyfriend - I wouldn't let my children near a nada! On Mon, Apr 4, 2011 at 10:03 AM, lacey.elizabeth@... < laceyelizabeth@...> wrote: > > > > > Hi there! > > I too just found this group after reading Stop Walking On Eggshells. My > therapist recommended it to me, what an awesome book! > > It sounds like you and I have exact same situation going on. My mom has > episodes similar to that quite often. I guess an advantage I have is that > she lives about 1,000 miles away from me, so the majority of our contact is > done via telephone. One weeks she's telling me I'm the most unappreciative, > selfish, ungrateful child ever, I'm the one that has the problems, along > with many other hurtful things and the next week she's so proud of me. Often > I end up hanging up on her and then I feel guilty about doing it and call > her back. I notice I say " OMG I'm never talking to her again! " Of course, a > day later were talking again and often, I'm apologizing. I just don't know > what the right thing to do is. I want her to know that I'm here for her if > she needs me, but I don't know how to do that I guess. She will be nice for > 2 weeks or so and then I get my hopes up that maybe she's getting help or > something. My boyfriend thinks I should stop talking to her all together, > because at times she can cause strain on our relationship (My boyfriend and > I) And we too have the future children issue and how he wants them never > around her. I don't know if that's the right thing to do either. Personally > I don't think she'll ever get help, she a HF BP and most people think she's > great which is hard because no one believes me when I tell my close friends > some of the things she's done. > > Anyway, any advice anyone has would be great. What seems to work best? Hope > everyone has a good day! > > > > > > > Hello, > > I just found this group after searching for the " Welcome to Oz " page that > I read about in Stop Walking on Eggshells. I believe that my mother has BPD, > but I'm sure it will never be diagnosed. > > > > Last weekend I was home visiting for Spring Break and had the biggest and > most dramatic fight with my mother I have ever had in my life. She kept > telling me I was the one with the problem, I was the most judgemental person > in the world, I don't care about her, etc etc. She screamed and screamed and > I cried and cried. When she told me I was just like my father (who has > practically disowned me and neither one of us respects him), I made my > mistake and snapped and yelled back. This of course made her angrier and she > ultimately yelled at me to leave her room. I proceeded to gather my things > and was going to drive back to my college home 2.5 hours away, when she > threatened to call the police on me and report my car as stolen so I would > be arrested and couldn't leave. She then snatched my purse from the couch > and went to hide it in her room so that I wouldn't be able to leave, and if > I did, when she had me arrested, I would also get fined for driving without > a license. Needless to say, I stayed put. About an hour later > > she called me into her bedroom to talk and said that I had ruined her > life and she had nothing to live for anymore because I wanted to leave her. > My grandfather committed suicide, so this is not something that my family > takes lightly. > > > > Anyway, I am starting therapy tomorrow morning, and I really hope that it > helps me cope with this relationship and learn how to handle it in a > healthier manner.I am getting married this summer, and my fiance is > terrified of my mom and absolutely does not want to ever bring our future > kids around her. I completely understand his feelings, and if I didn't love > her, I would cut her out of my life in an instant to quit feeling this > turmoil and pain. But it's just not that easy. She is my family.... > > > > How have you all coped with having a BPD parent? Any experienced a > similar situation with marrying someone that doesn't want any contact with > the person at all? How do you deal? > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 6, 2011 Report Share Posted April 6, 2011 Hi there, What a terrible situation to be in! I am so sorry to hear that you had to go through this. My siblings and I have been in similar unfortunate situations. If your mom is anything like my mom, it'll get worse as you get closer to the wedding. I'm the oldest and the first to get married. My mom had her first major break down when I got engaged. I think it was related to the fact that she no longer had control over my life, decisions, or wedding. She had another break down when my brother got married. Her role changed and we didn't need her as much and that was hard for her. Plus she couldn't pull her tricks with our spouses because she had to keep a good image, they were too new to the family. My engagement was a nightmare that I won't take the time to explain right now. After we established that I was in fact getting married she seemed to come around. It also helped to let her take control of the wedding decorations. It gave her something to do and was a way for her to contribute to the wedding (and keep her busy). I just made sure that I gave her positive feedback about the decorations regardless of whether or not I liked them and encouraged her to continue. Quite frankly, after the ordeal we went through during the engagement, I could have cared less about the decorations. After reading up on BPD, I now know that her reactions were because she was feeling out of control and she was afraid of being abandoned. I could have deflated the situation using the communication techniques in SWOE if I knew then what I know now. We paid for our own wedding because mom would have made it her wedding, and in fact she did when she threw us a huge open house 2 weeks later to make up for our small wedding. We allowed her to give us money for our first house, but only the same amount as my spouse's family so that we could split the house down the middle if we ever decided to separate and not fight about my spouse paying her back her money. My husband and mom made a really good connection and learned to really like each other prior to our engagement so that has been extremely helpful. It also helps that my mom has some really great qualities when she's doing well. She also connected with him when he lost his mom to cancer. I find it really hard to remember mom's endearing qualities when she's in the middle of a crisis/rage but when it's a long one, it helps to focus on those qualities and remember that things won't always/haven't always been like this. My husband isn't too keen on my mom anymore but he's not afraid of her when it comes to her interfering in our life. He'll tell her how it is and won't back down. He'll still visit her but after her most recent break down, he's scared to be around her when she's not doing well. The more my husband sees my mom during a breakdown or raging moment, the less he wants to spend time with her. We sometimes disagree about visiting my parents and how much time we'll spend when we do visit. I feel the pressure to please both my husband and my mom and keep the peace between the two. When things are bad, I sometimes find myself feeling guilty for marrying at all and apologizing to him for bringing him into my family. He doesn't regret our marriage though and neither do I. He is also affected by my mom's changes in mood. He was physically sick for about 2 weeks during our engagement, after mom got tired of screaming at me on the phone and decided she should just call him. We both didn't sleep well when mom had a crisis and stayed with us for a week last summer, nor did we get any real quality time together. We were on edge for the first three days. Also, my husband doesn't have an interest in learning about BPD-although who could blame him. Meanwhile I'm actively learning everything I can. I find this frustrating because I want to learn together and we need to support each other. Right now I can't bounce ideas off of him. He's not supportive of my attending therapy and he doesn't want to hear any excuse for why my mom acts the way she does. His family holds a grudge against my mom because she didn't want us to get married (she was convinced his family was in the mob and talked to someone about hiring a hit man to kill him), which makes it difficult when we have a party that includes both sides of our family-imagine that! They don't really understand BPD or MH which means I avoid talking about my parents with them as much as possible. My brother and sister-in-law don't let my mom watch their kids without someone else present and my sister-in-law doesn't visit with my mom without someone else present. We've found this is good. She has yelled in front of my 2 year old nephew. Occasionally my brother threatens to not let my mom see his children. This kept her from trying to build a relationship with the kids for awhile because she didn't want to get attached. As for me, we'll discuss mom visiting our kids when we have kids. I will admit that I'm afraid of passing BPD on to one of my kids but I'm optimistic. In terms of decisions we make as a couple, my brother and I both take the blame for all the big decisions we make with our spouses that affect mom (e.g., we don't want to get together this weekend) in order to protect our spouses and maintain their relationships with mom. We avoid saying negative things about our spouses to our mom as she can twist and exaggerate anything. I also pick my battles and try to stay out of the middle when she and my spouse get into a minor disagreement, when possible. Mom doesn't forgive easily but she will forgive me easier than she will my husband and she has to " love " me, I'm her blood. My spouse doesn't need my mom's love or approval and vice versa therefore, they can sever their relationship pretty easily. I, however, need my mom in my life currently and probably long-term. I will say that she treats my spouse differently because he married into our family. When we were engaged she tried to leave him out of family get togethers. At our wedding she insisted on a family photo without him, in addition to the one with him. It hurts him because in his family, you're a true family member as soon as you marry in. I know I didn't provide suggestions but hopefully you can use my experiences to think about how you want to handle different situations as a couple and what each of you need in order to be happy in your relationship. I would encourage you to look for and remember the good qualities and experiences with your mom. Your fiance only knows what he sees and what you tell him. Try to show him the good side of your mom as much as possible. Best of luck! On Tue, Apr 5, 2011 at 9:51 AM, Girlscout Cowboy <girlscout.cowboy@... > wrote: > I'm with boyfriend - I wouldn't let my children near a nada! > > On Mon, Apr 4, 2011 at 10:03 AM, lacey.elizabeth@... < > laceyelizabeth@...> wrote: > > > > > > > > > > > Hi there! > > > > I too just found this group after reading Stop Walking On Eggshells. My > > therapist recommended it to me, what an awesome book! > > > > It sounds like you and I have exact same situation going on. My mom has > > episodes similar to that quite often. I guess an advantage I have is that > > she lives about 1,000 miles away from me, so the majority of our contact > is > > done via telephone. One weeks she's telling me I'm the most > unappreciative, > > selfish, ungrateful child ever, I'm the one that has the problems, along > > with many other hurtful things and the next week she's so proud of me. > Often > > I end up hanging up on her and then I feel guilty about doing it and call > > her back. I notice I say " OMG I'm never talking to her again! " Of course, > a > > day later were talking again and often, I'm apologizing. I just don't > know > > what the right thing to do is. I want her to know that I'm here for her > if > > she needs me, but I don't know how to do that I guess. She will be nice > for > > 2 weeks or so and then I get my hopes up that maybe she's getting help or > > something. My boyfriend thinks I should stop talking to her all together, > > because at times she can cause strain on our relationship (My boyfriend > and > > I) And we too have the future children issue and how he wants them never > > around her. I don't know if that's the right thing to do either. > Personally > > I don't think she'll ever get help, she a HF BP and most people think > she's > > great which is hard because no one believes me when I tell my close > friends > > some of the things she's done. > > > > Anyway, any advice anyone has would be great. What seems to work best? > Hope > > everyone has a good day! > > > > > > > > > > > > Hello, > > > I just found this group after searching for the " Welcome to Oz " page > that > > I read about in Stop Walking on Eggshells. I believe that my mother has > BPD, > > but I'm sure it will never be diagnosed. > > > > > > Last weekend I was home visiting for Spring Break and had the biggest > and > > most dramatic fight with my mother I have ever had in my life. She kept > > telling me I was the one with the problem, I was the most judgemental > person > > in the world, I don't care about her, etc etc. She screamed and screamed > and > > I cried and cried. When she told me I was just like my father (who has > > practically disowned me and neither one of us respects him), I made my > > mistake and snapped and yelled back. This of course made her angrier and > she > > ultimately yelled at me to leave her room. I proceeded to gather my > things > > and was going to drive back to my college home 2.5 hours away, when she > > threatened to call the police on me and report my car as stolen so I > would > > be arrested and couldn't leave. She then snatched my purse from the couch > > and went to hide it in her room so that I wouldn't be able to leave, and > if > > I did, when she had me arrested, I would also get fined for driving > without > > a license. Needless to say, I stayed put. About an hour later > > > she called me into her bedroom to talk and said that I had ruined her > > life and she had nothing to live for anymore because I wanted to leave > her. > > My grandfather committed suicide, so this is not something that my family > > takes lightly. > > > > > > Anyway, I am starting therapy tomorrow morning, and I really hope that > it > > helps me cope with this relationship and learn how to handle it in a > > healthier manner.I am getting married this summer, and my fiance is > > terrified of my mom and absolutely does not want to ever bring our future > > kids around her. I completely understand his feelings, and if I didn't > love > > her, I would cut her out of my life in an instant to quit feeling this > > turmoil and pain. But it's just not that easy. She is my family.... > > > > > > How have you all coped with having a BPD parent? Any experienced a > > similar situation with marrying someone that doesn't want any contact > with > > the person at all? How do you deal? > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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