Guest guest Posted April 4, 2011 Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 As a lot of you know, my nada passed March 21st and it's two weeks ago today. It was a VERY long time coming and nada suffered extremely badly over the last six months in particular. Before that it was a downhill slide by inches daily for about two years or so. I now look at her as the wounded child that she was. It wasn't her fault and my mental health therapist friend who diagnosed her for me two years ago November 1 after meeting nada told me that she believes BPD comes from severe traumatic consistent abuse/neglect/abandonment and/or betrayal by someone in THEIR life they should have been able to trust from a very young age. In my nada's case it would fit because she was incested regularly by alcoholic, abusive psychopath father and it makes perfect sense to me as her sister is also BPD and had also been incested by him. A very close neighbor of my nada's who had helped nada in what was to be her last days told me that it was MY picture on her end table where she sat in her recliner in front of the TV in the living room and not her husband's (my stepfather). It was ME that she spoke of in glowing terms showing such pride in my creative abilities 'Marilyn made me this' she would say 'My daughter is so talented!' She was proud of me and did love me but was incapable of showing it in a healthy way. Her way of showing love was giving me $ which was fine but I often felt it was to control me and sometimes it was (even though many times it was not). I feel very blessed that she left me everything she had and in the end there are no strings attached. Not that money can make up entirely for what I went through because it can't but the past is the past and I prefer to leave it there. Anyway her whole dying experience dragged on for a month in a hospice care center and the last three visits I had with my nada were particularly upsetting. I don't care how you feel about your nada but when you see another human being who is unable to respond to you in any way - isn't cognizant of the fact you are even there on a conscious level at least - weighs all of 80 lbs. if that and looks like a skeleton with skin on her - can't open her eyes - takes very labored breathes and then seems like she isn't breathing at all - is pale and wan to the point she looks like a ghost - you know she hasn't eaten in 14 days or drank anything in 11 and the only thing keeping her alive is her frail heart and all her other systems were shutting down one by one with sepsis poisoning, it tears at your heart and your heart breaks for her. You no longer think about your relationship with her - how she manipulated, abused or tortured you for years - all you think about in regard to her is how badly you feel for her flaws and all. They had her lifeless hand and arm around a little brown teddy bear which only seemed to emphasize the child she had become and always was really as I think about it. Does this excuse her for her behaviors towards me? No it does not but it explains it very well I feel. Now I feel elderly nadas should be pitied - not censured. To forgive them on some level is to give ourselves healing and freedom. In this way we give ourselves permission to get on with our lives and make the life for ourselves we were never granted permission to have or could have with our nadas still on this earth plane. We also begin to heal (though we can never forget what we've gone through with them nor should we). Even those of you who have gone n.c. are still struggling with the guilt of that from the sounds of many of your blogs so even if you are free of communicating with her or him, you are not free in the truest sense of the word and the only true freedom you will receive unfortunately is when your nada or fada passes as mine has. Thanks to all of you who have followed my blogs and given me such unending emotional support and comfort. May we all here feel/gain the freedom we so richly deserve and live the life of our dreams. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 5, 2011 Report Share Posted April 5, 2011 Hugs, Marilyn. Thanks for sharing and continuing to share. I know it's not easy but we're here for you. > > As a lot of you know, my nada passed March 21st and it's two weeks ago today. It was a VERY long time coming and nada suffered extremely badly over the last six months in particular. Before that it was a downhill slide by inches daily for about two years or so. > > I now look at her as the wounded child that she was. It wasn't her fault and my mental health therapist friend who diagnosed her for me two years ago November 1 after meeting nada told me that she believes BPD comes from severe traumatic consistent abuse/neglect/abandonment and/or betrayal by someone in THEIR life they should have been able to trust from a very young age. In my nada's case it would fit because she was incested regularly by alcoholic, abusive psychopath father and it makes perfect sense to me as her sister is also BPD and had also been incested by him. > > A very close neighbor of my nada's who had helped nada in what was to be her last days told me that it was MY picture on her end table where she sat in her recliner in front of the TV in the living room and not her husband's (my stepfather). It was ME that she spoke of in glowing terms showing such pride in my creative abilities 'Marilyn made me this' she would say 'My daughter is so talented!' She was proud of me and did love me but was incapable of showing it in a healthy way. Her way of showing love was giving me $ which was fine but I often felt it was to control me and sometimes it was (even though many times it was not). I feel very blessed that she left me everything she had and in the end there are no strings attached. Not that money can make up entirely for what I went through because it can't but the past is the past and I prefer to leave it there. > > Anyway her whole dying experience dragged on for a month in a hospice care center and the last three visits I had with my nada were particularly upsetting. I don't care how you feel about your nada but when you see another human being who is unable to respond to you in any way - isn't cognizant of the fact you are even there on a conscious level at least - weighs all of 80 lbs. if that and looks like a skeleton with skin on her - can't open her eyes - takes very labored breathes and then seems like she isn't breathing at all - is pale and wan to the point she looks like a ghost - you know she hasn't eaten in 14 days or drank anything in 11 and the only thing keeping her alive is her frail heart and all her other systems were shutting down one by one with sepsis poisoning, it tears at your heart and your heart breaks for her. You no longer think about your relationship with her - how she manipulated, abused or tortured you for years - all you think about in regard to her is how badly you feel for her flaws and all. They had her lifeless hand and arm around a little brown teddy bear which only seemed to emphasize the child she had become and always was really as I think about it. > > Does this excuse her for her behaviors towards me? No it does not but it explains it very well I feel. > > Now I feel elderly nadas should be pitied - not censured. To forgive them on some level is to give ourselves healing and freedom. In this way we give ourselves permission to get on with our lives and make the life for ourselves we were never granted permission to have or could have with our nadas still on this earth plane. We also begin to heal (though we can never forget what we've gone through with them nor should we). > > Even those of you who have gone n.c. are still struggling with the guilt of that from the sounds of many of your blogs so even if you are free of communicating with her or him, you are not free in the truest sense of the word and the only true freedom you will receive unfortunately is when your nada or fada passes as mine has. > > Thanks to all of you who have followed my blogs and given me such unending emotional support and comfort. > > May we all here feel/gain the freedom we so richly deserve and live the life of our dreams. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 6, 2011 Report Share Posted April 6, 2011 You've expressed it all so well. And part of your healing process is being able to understand and forgive. You're right - her treatment of you was not kind or right. But we all have to let it go at some point or it will continue to hurt us. Like constantly hugging a cactus. We don't have to do that. And I know my nada will never change and I can't change what's happened over the past 58 years of my life. But I don't want to be her and punish her. I'll protect myself but I don't want to hurt her. I completely understand how you're feeling. My nada is winding down physically and mentally. She's being nice sometimes which makes me nervous. LOL But she's wasting away and although I may not love her, I do feel sorry for her. What a wasted life of misery. You're doing very well and dealing with this. I'm proud of you. > > As a lot of you know, my nada passed March 21st and it's two weeks ago today. It was a VERY long time coming and nada suffered extremely badly over the last six months in particular. Before that it was a downhill slide by inches daily for about two years or so. > > I now look at her as the wounded child that she was. It wasn't her fault and my mental health therapist friend who diagnosed her for me two years ago November 1 after meeting nada told me that she believes BPD comes from severe traumatic consistent abuse/neglect/abandonment and/or betrayal by someone in THEIR life they should have been able to trust from a very young age. In my nada's case it would fit because she was incested regularly by alcoholic, abusive psychopath father and it makes perfect sense to me as her sister is also BPD and had also been incested by him. > > A very close neighbor of my nada's who had helped nada in what was to be her last days told me that it was MY picture on her end table where she sat in her recliner in front of the TV in the living room and not her husband's (my stepfather). It was ME that she spoke of in glowing terms showing such pride in my creative abilities 'Marilyn made me this' she would say 'My daughter is so talented!' She was proud of me and did love me but was incapable of showing it in a healthy way. Her way of showing love was giving me $ which was fine but I often felt it was to control me and sometimes it was (even though many times it was not). I feel very blessed that she left me everything she had and in the end there are no strings attached. Not that money can make up entirely for what I went through because it can't but the past is the past and I prefer to leave it there. > > Anyway her whole dying experience dragged on for a month in a hospice care center and the last three visits I had with my nada were particularly upsetting. I don't care how you feel about your nada but when you see another human being who is unable to respond to you in any way - isn't cognizant of the fact you are even there on a conscious level at least - weighs all of 80 lbs. if that and looks like a skeleton with skin on her - can't open her eyes - takes very labored breathes and then seems like she isn't breathing at all - is pale and wan to the point she looks like a ghost - you know she hasn't eaten in 14 days or drank anything in 11 and the only thing keeping her alive is her frail heart and all her other systems were shutting down one by one with sepsis poisoning, it tears at your heart and your heart breaks for her. You no longer think about your relationship with her - how she manipulated, abused or tortured you for years - all you think about in regard to her is how badly you feel for her flaws and all. They had her lifeless hand and arm around a little brown teddy bear which only seemed to emphasize the child she had become and always was really as I think about it. > > Does this excuse her for her behaviors towards me? No it does not but it explains it very well I feel. > > Now I feel elderly nadas should be pitied - not censured. To forgive them on some level is to give ourselves healing and freedom. In this way we give ourselves permission to get on with our lives and make the life for ourselves we were never granted permission to have or could have with our nadas still on this earth plane. We also begin to heal (though we can never forget what we've gone through with them nor should we). > > Even those of you who have gone n.c. are still struggling with the guilt of that from the sounds of many of your blogs so even if you are free of communicating with her or him, you are not free in the truest sense of the word and the only true freedom you will receive unfortunately is when your nada or fada passes as mine has. > > Thanks to all of you who have followed my blogs and given me such unending emotional support and comfort. > > May we all here feel/gain the freedom we so richly deserve and live the life of our dreams. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 6, 2011 Report Share Posted April 6, 2011 You know what I say. Do what you can live with no matter what anyone else thinks you should do. Sure there are things we are wish we could have done better but that is life but although my nada is gone and I had my battles with her, I choose not to be mean to her while she was alive. I choose to be better then she was and trust me wasn't easy I am glad I was descent with her. I can live with myself now. I know she chased everyone away created what she feared most and then clung to me for dear life and she was wrong but being kind is never a bad thing so do not beat yourself up over that,instead give yourself credit for being kind to someone who wasn't too kind to you. > > > > As a lot of you know, my nada passed March 21st and it's two weeks ago today. It was a VERY long time coming and nada suffered extremely badly over the last six months in particular. Before that it was a downhill slide by inches daily for about two years or so. > > > > I now look at her as the wounded child that she was. It wasn't her fault and my mental health therapist friend who diagnosed her for me two years ago November 1 after meeting nada told me that she believes BPD comes from severe traumatic consistent abuse/neglect/abandonment and/or betrayal by someone in THEIR life they should have been able to trust from a very young age. In my nada's case it would fit because she was incested regularly by alcoholic, abusive psychopath father and it makes perfect sense to me as her sister is also BPD and had also been incested by him. > > > > A very close neighbor of my nada's who had helped nada in what was to be her last days told me that it was MY picture on her end table where she sat in her recliner in front of the TV in the living room and not her husband's (my stepfather). It was ME that she spoke of in glowing terms showing such pride in my creative abilities 'Marilyn made me this' she would say 'My daughter is so talented!' She was proud of me and did love me but was incapable of showing it in a healthy way. Her way of showing love was giving me $ which was fine but I often felt it was to control me and sometimes it was (even though many times it was not). I feel very blessed that she left me everything she had and in the end there are no strings attached. Not that money can make up entirely for what I went through because it can't but the past is the past and I prefer to leave it there. > > > > Anyway her whole dying experience dragged on for a month in a hospice care center and the last three visits I had with my nada were particularly upsetting. I don't care how you feel about your nada but when you see another human being who is unable to respond to you in any way - isn't cognizant of the fact you are even there on a conscious level at least - weighs all of 80 lbs. if that and looks like a skeleton with skin on her - can't open her eyes - takes very labored breathes and then seems like she isn't breathing at all - is pale and wan to the point she looks like a ghost - you know she hasn't eaten in 14 days or drank anything in 11 and the only thing keeping her alive is her frail heart and all her other systems were shutting down one by one with sepsis poisoning, it tears at your heart and your heart breaks for her. You no longer think about your relationship with her - how she manipulated, abused or tortured you for years - all you think about in regard to her is how badly you feel for her flaws and all. They had her lifeless hand and arm around a little brown teddy bear which only seemed to emphasize the child she had become and always was really as I think about it. > > > > Does this excuse her for her behaviors towards me? No it does not but it explains it very well I feel. > > > > Now I feel elderly nadas should be pitied - not censured. To forgive them on some level is to give ourselves healing and freedom. In this way we give ourselves permission to get on with our lives and make the life for ourselves we were never granted permission to have or could have with our nadas still on this earth plane. We also begin to heal (though we can never forget what we've gone through with them nor should we). > > > > Even those of you who have gone n.c. are still struggling with the guilt of that from the sounds of many of your blogs so even if you are free of communicating with her or him, you are not free in the truest sense of the word and the only true freedom you will receive unfortunately is when your nada or fada passes as mine has. > > > > Thanks to all of you who have followed my blogs and given me such unending emotional support and comfort. > > > > May we all here feel/gain the freedom we so richly deserve and live the life of our dreams. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 6, 2011 Report Share Posted April 6, 2011 Each of us has to make our own decisions about whether to remain in contact with our bpd mom/dad or not, and I for one make no judgements about that one way or the other. Some bpd parents are more toxic and destructive than others, possibly because they have other mental illnesses as well (malignant narcissism, antisocial pd, etc.) And some of us have sustained more damage than others. Some pd parents actively seek to harm their adult children by making false claims against them with child protective services or elder protective services, attempting to kidnap their grandchildren, attempting identity theft, contacting their adult child's employers/neighbors and making false statements or begging for contact. That's just the tip of the iceberg, really. Sometimes choosing complete No Contact is the only real option available to the KO for self-preservation. We don't expect or encourage women who were sexually molested by their fathers, once or repeatedly, to remain in contact with their abuser. It is actually cruel, I think, to pressure an incest victim to do that. In a similar way, I think its totally up to the victims of parental emotional and physical abuse to decide whether they want to or can remain in contact or not, even if emotional abuse and physical abuse aren't as " shocking " as sexual abuse. Me personally, I don't view No Contact as being mean, hateful or cruel. Its simply not allowing yourself to be abused any longer, and its usually a kind of last resort when nothing else works, and its done out of self-preservation. So, if forgiveness and remaining in low contact works for you, that's great. I'm happy that you can do that. I can't. But I'm not going to beat myself up because I can't, and I'm choosing self-preservation instead. I tried for decades to be a good daughter and please my nada, but, it only resulted in actual emotional and physical damage for me; stress-related illnesses, mostly. I can't do it any more, even though I wish I could. The best I can do is very, very low contact; I send her a card now and then to let her know I'm OK and that I wish her well, but I can't speak with her or see her without there being some bad consequence for me (like an attack of Meniere's disease-like symptoms, or dissociating from my emotions, etc.) Anyway. I just wanted to point out that there is more than one path to healing and peace besides the path of forgiving the abuser and remaining in (some) contact, and each of us must choose the path that resonates with us. -Annie > > > > > > As a lot of you know, my nada passed March 21st and it's two weeks ago today. It was a VERY long time coming and nada suffered extremely badly over the last six months in particular. Before that it was a downhill slide by inches daily for about two years or so. > > > > > > I now look at her as the wounded child that she was. It wasn't her fault and my mental health therapist friend who diagnosed her for me two years ago November 1 after meeting nada told me that she believes BPD comes from severe traumatic consistent abuse/neglect/abandonment and/or betrayal by someone in THEIR life they should have been able to trust from a very young age. In my nada's case it would fit because she was incested regularly by alcoholic, abusive psychopath father and it makes perfect sense to me as her sister is also BPD and had also been incested by him. > > > > > > A very close neighbor of my nada's who had helped nada in what was to be her last days told me that it was MY picture on her end table where she sat in her recliner in front of the TV in the living room and not her husband's (my stepfather). It was ME that she spoke of in glowing terms showing such pride in my creative abilities 'Marilyn made me this' she would say 'My daughter is so talented!' She was proud of me and did love me but was incapable of showing it in a healthy way. Her way of showing love was giving me $ which was fine but I often felt it was to control me and sometimes it was (even though many times it was not). I feel very blessed that she left me everything she had and in the end there are no strings attached. Not that money can make up entirely for what I went through because it can't but the past is the past and I prefer to leave it there. > > > > > > Anyway her whole dying experience dragged on for a month in a hospice care center and the last three visits I had with my nada were particularly upsetting. I don't care how you feel about your nada but when you see another human being who is unable to respond to you in any way - isn't cognizant of the fact you are even there on a conscious level at least - weighs all of 80 lbs. if that and looks like a skeleton with skin on her - can't open her eyes - takes very labored breathes and then seems like she isn't breathing at all - is pale and wan to the point she looks like a ghost - you know she hasn't eaten in 14 days or drank anything in 11 and the only thing keeping her alive is her frail heart and all her other systems were shutting down one by one with sepsis poisoning, it tears at your heart and your heart breaks for her. You no longer think about your relationship with her - how she manipulated, abused or tortured you for years - all you think about in regard to her is how badly you feel for her flaws and all. They had her lifeless hand and arm around a little brown teddy bear which only seemed to emphasize the child she had become and always was really as I think about it. > > > > > > Does this excuse her for her behaviors towards me? No it does not but it explains it very well I feel. > > > > > > Now I feel elderly nadas should be pitied - not censured. To forgive them on some level is to give ourselves healing and freedom. In this way we give ourselves permission to get on with our lives and make the life for ourselves we were never granted permission to have or could have with our nadas still on this earth plane. We also begin to heal (though we can never forget what we've gone through with them nor should we). > > > > > > Even those of you who have gone n.c. are still struggling with the guilt of that from the sounds of many of your blogs so even if you are free of communicating with her or him, you are not free in the truest sense of the word and the only true freedom you will receive unfortunately is when your nada or fada passes as mine has. > > > > > > Thanks to all of you who have followed my blogs and given me such unending emotional support and comfort. > > > > > > May we all here feel/gain the freedom we so richly deserve and live the life of our dreams. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 6, 2011 Report Share Posted April 6, 2011 True everybody is different as is the situation. My nada is dead and I have peace. I went NC with all other toxic people but that was only after some theropy. When nada was alive, I was not in theropy. I was in need of it though. I am much healthier now and refuse to have the toxic people around me no matter who they are but back then, I was not ready to have NC and it was slowly destroying me and my life but I think people need to be ready for that change. Cutting our FO out completey is hard. I am past that now but I am sure there is alot of people out there that have not reached that point yet even though the fact is, it is you or the bpd. They are parasites looking for hosts not capable of love. Emotional, selfish vampires. I do believe that the mother/child bond is the hardest to break. After all they carry us for nine months and we are born dependent on them. Very hard for a child to let go of a mother. My nada was not diagnosed till soon before her death and then it all made sense. She was a very vain woman and was addicted to diet pills that made her worse but for most of my life I thought she was nuts because of her addiction and when she developed heart problems and stop taking the pills I though, " Oh I will finally get a good mom. " Suprise, she was still bad and I could not understand why? Then a few years after that she was diagnosed and soon passed away. I never heard of bpd till one month before she died. > > > > > > > > As a lot of you know, my nada passed March 21st and it's two weeks ago today. It was a VERY long time coming and nada suffered extremely badly over the last six months in particular. Before that it was a downhill slide by inches daily for about two years or so. > > > > > > > > I now look at her as the wounded child that she was. It wasn't her fault and my mental health therapist friend who diagnosed her for me two years ago November 1 after meeting nada told me that she believes BPD comes from severe traumatic consistent abuse/neglect/abandonment and/or betrayal by someone in THEIR life they should have been able to trust from a very young age. In my nada's case it would fit because she was incested regularly by alcoholic, abusive psychopath father and it makes perfect sense to me as her sister is also BPD and had also been incested by him. > > > > > > > > A very close neighbor of my nada's who had helped nada in what was to be her last days told me that it was MY picture on her end table where she sat in her recliner in front of the TV in the living room and not her husband's (my stepfather). It was ME that she spoke of in glowing terms showing such pride in my creative abilities 'Marilyn made me this' she would say 'My daughter is so talented!' She was proud of me and did love me but was incapable of showing it in a healthy way. Her way of showing love was giving me $ which was fine but I often felt it was to control me and sometimes it was (even though many times it was not). I feel very blessed that she left me everything she had and in the end there are no strings attached. Not that money can make up entirely for what I went through because it can't but the past is the past and I prefer to leave it there. > > > > > > > > Anyway her whole dying experience dragged on for a month in a hospice care center and the last three visits I had with my nada were particularly upsetting. I don't care how you feel about your nada but when you see another human being who is unable to respond to you in any way - isn't cognizant of the fact you are even there on a conscious level at least - weighs all of 80 lbs. if that and looks like a skeleton with skin on her - can't open her eyes - takes very labored breathes and then seems like she isn't breathing at all - is pale and wan to the point she looks like a ghost - you know she hasn't eaten in 14 days or drank anything in 11 and the only thing keeping her alive is her frail heart and all her other systems were shutting down one by one with sepsis poisoning, it tears at your heart and your heart breaks for her. You no longer think about your relationship with her - how she manipulated, abused or tortured you for years - all you think about in regard to her is how badly you feel for her flaws and all. They had her lifeless hand and arm around a little brown teddy bear which only seemed to emphasize the child she had become and always was really as I think about it. > > > > > > > > Does this excuse her for her behaviors towards me? No it does not but it explains it very well I feel. > > > > > > > > Now I feel elderly nadas should be pitied - not censured. To forgive them on some level is to give ourselves healing and freedom. In this way we give ourselves permission to get on with our lives and make the life for ourselves we were never granted permission to have or could have with our nadas still on this earth plane. We also begin to heal (though we can never forget what we've gone through with them nor should we). > > > > > > > > Even those of you who have gone n.c. are still struggling with the guilt of that from the sounds of many of your blogs so even if you are free of communicating with her or him, you are not free in the truest sense of the word and the only true freedom you will receive unfortunately is when your nada or fada passes as mine has. > > > > > > > > Thanks to all of you who have followed my blogs and given me such unending emotional support and comfort. > > > > > > > > May we all here feel/gain the freedom we so richly deserve and live the life of our dreams. > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 6, 2011 Report Share Posted April 6, 2011 Hi Marilyn, I'm glad to hear you are doing okay and that your nada's passing has brought you so much peace and resolution. What you bring up about them being so frail and like a child at the end is very true. My nada still has some years left, but there are times I look at her infirmity and how she suffers and I do feel compassion and let go of the pain. And then she'll turn around and manipulate or hit a button really hard, and I'll be reminded no matter how frail she is she'll never be a " safe person " for me. As another person posted, I hope to take the high road and keep taking it as long as she lives, but she's not going to make it easy. Thanks for sharing your experience that after they pass it's possible to shift perspective about them. I hope this question isn't too weird, but you know my interest in the paranormal. Have you felt your nada is at peace since she passed, any feel of her presence? Take care, > > As a lot of you know, my nada passed March 21st and it's two weeks ago today. It was a VERY long time coming and nada suffered extremely badly over the last six months in particular. Before that it was a downhill slide by inches daily for about two years or so. > > I now look at her as the wounded child that she was. It wasn't her fault and my mental health therapist friend who diagnosed her for me two years ago November 1 after meeting nada told me that she believes BPD comes from severe traumatic consistent abuse/neglect/abandonment and/or betrayal by someone in THEIR life they should have been able to trust from a very young age. In my nada's case it would fit because she was incested regularly by alcoholic, abusive psychopath father and it makes perfect sense to me as her sister is also BPD and had also been incested by him. > > A very close neighbor of my nada's who had helped nada in what was to be her last days told me that it was MY picture on her end table where she sat in her recliner in front of the TV in the living room and not her husband's (my stepfather). It was ME that she spoke of in glowing terms showing such pride in my creative abilities 'Marilyn made me this' she would say 'My daughter is so talented!' She was proud of me and did love me but was incapable of showing it in a healthy way. Her way of showing love was giving me $ which was fine but I often felt it was to control me and sometimes it was (even though many times it was not). I feel very blessed that she left me everything she had and in the end there are no strings attached. Not that money can make up entirely for what I went through because it can't but the past is the past and I prefer to leave it there. > > Anyway her whole dying experience dragged on for a month in a hospice care center and the last three visits I had with my nada were particularly upsetting. I don't care how you feel about your nada but when you see another human being who is unable to respond to you in any way - isn't cognizant of the fact you are even there on a conscious level at least - weighs all of 80 lbs. if that and looks like a skeleton with skin on her - can't open her eyes - takes very labored breathes and then seems like she isn't breathing at all - is pale and wan to the point she looks like a ghost - you know she hasn't eaten in 14 days or drank anything in 11 and the only thing keeping her alive is her frail heart and all her other systems were shutting down one by one with sepsis poisoning, it tears at your heart and your heart breaks for her. You no longer think about your relationship with her - how she manipulated, abused or tortured you for years - all you think about in regard to her is how badly you feel for her flaws and all. They had her lifeless hand and arm around a little brown teddy bear which only seemed to emphasize the child she had become and always was really as I think about it. > > Does this excuse her for her behaviors towards me? No it does not but it explains it very well I feel. > > Now I feel elderly nadas should be pitied - not censured. To forgive them on some level is to give ourselves healing and freedom. In this way we give ourselves permission to get on with our lives and make the life for ourselves we were never granted permission to have or could have with our nadas still on this earth plane. We also begin to heal (though we can never forget what we've gone through with them nor should we). > > Even those of you who have gone n.c. are still struggling with the guilt of that from the sounds of many of your blogs so even if you are free of communicating with her or him, you are not free in the truest sense of the word and the only true freedom you will receive unfortunately is when your nada or fada passes as mine has. > > Thanks to all of you who have followed my blogs and given me such unending emotional support and comfort. > > May we all here feel/gain the freedom we so richly deserve and live the life of our dreams. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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