6 months after nada's death

[Guest guest]

It has been a little over 6 months since nada died. In many ways, it has

been so busy - my regular life plus I am executor and successor trustee,

cleaning out her house, etc. - that I feel like I am just now beginning to

breathe. It has been very up and down, but I've been surprised that I have a

little bit of space - things are winding down with her stuff and there is no

nada to call me etc - several times I have had these unbidden good memories

of nada come to my mind. My immediate reaction when it has happened is to

not want to think about it or remember anything good as if I admit or know

she had any good parts or times that I somehow negate all the abuse and bad

stuff.

But I am slowly realizing that part of what made it take me so long to even

recognize that there was something seriously wrong with me mom is that she

did have good and pleasant parts of her or at least times when these came

out and we did have some good times together. I know many here have nada's

that seem to be only negative and abusive. My nada was a mixed bag - you

just never knew which nada you were going to get on the other end of the

phone or when you opened the door - the reasonable semi-normal one or the

crazy queen and she might switch on you suddenly and unexpectedly. Hence,

the walking on eggshells never knowing what to expect.

I still don't know what to do with the good and bad memories that seem to

come to me without me consciously thinking or them or wanting to think of

them, but I do realize that I don't think I could even begin to process any

of this until I was/am no longer dealing with her day-to-day. Dealing with

the present and staying on my toes with her was enough when she was alive.

I'm not sure what path this healing will go or where it may lead, and it

actually scares me (even while I have tremendous relief) to have nothing to

take care of related to nada - not her or her stuff. I realized I have spent

my whole life taking care of her in one way or another and as I wind down

her estate and stuff, it will be the first time in 42 years that I don't

have anything to manage or deal with for or because of her. Wow. Who knows

what that might make space for.

[Guest guest]

Each of us deals with grief and processing trauma at our own pace and in our own

way. Its very individual. Perhaps now that you are no longer actively being

abused and manipulated by your nada, its *safe* for you to allow yourself to

remember the good parts of her.

I agree with you, I think its harder to process the whole experience or

relationship when our nada has both good and bad aspects to her instead of

simply being a cartoon super-villain who is All Bad.

My nada has goodness to her, she really tried sometimes to be a good mom. I

think that's what kept me so enmeshed with her, so bonded to her. I really think

that with my nada it was close to 50/50. The good parts were so intertwined

with physical abuse, emotional torture, and other negative behaviors that... my

memories of abuse mentally tend to corrode the good memories. Like tainting a

glass of milk with a little lighter fluid; the good parts of the milk are still

there but now just a little poison makes it undrinkable.

But, now its safe to let yourself remember the good parts, its safe to remember

her good side, without your love for her and your need for her love making you

vulnerable to more abuse.

So, go ahead and remember the good parts, and grieve for them. Its OK.

-Annie

>

> It has been a little over 6 months since nada died. In many ways, it has

> been so busy - my regular life plus I am executor and successor trustee,

> cleaning out her house, etc. - that I feel like I am just now beginning to

> breathe. It has been very up and down, but I've been surprised that I have a

> little bit of space - things are winding down with her stuff and there is no

> nada to call me etc - several times I have had these unbidden good memories

> of nada come to my mind. My immediate reaction when it has happened is to

> not want to think about it or remember anything good as if I admit or know

> she had any good parts or times that I somehow negate all the abuse and bad

> stuff.

>

> But I am slowly realizing that part of what made it take me so long to even

> recognize that there was something seriously wrong with me mom is that she

> did have good and pleasant parts of her or at least times when these came

> out and we did have some good times together. I know many here have nada's

> that seem to be only negative and abusive. My nada was a mixed bag - you

> just never knew which nada you were going to get on the other end of the

> phone or when you opened the door - the reasonable semi-normal one or the

> crazy queen and she might switch on you suddenly and unexpectedly. Hence,

> the walking on eggshells never knowing what to expect.

>

> I still don't know what to do with the good and bad memories that seem to

> come to me without me consciously thinking or them or wanting to think of

> them, but I do realize that I don't think I could even begin to process any

> of this until I was/am no longer dealing with her day-to-day. Dealing with

> the present and staying on my toes with her was enough when she was alive.

> I'm not sure what path this healing will go or where it may lead, and it

> actually scares me (even while I have tremendous relief) to have nothing to

> take care of related to nada - not her or her stuff. I realized I have spent

> my whole life taking care of her in one way or another and as I wind down

> her estate and stuff, it will be the first time in 42 years that I don't

> have anything to manage or deal with for or because of her. Wow. Who knows

> what that might make space for.

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I think all our nadas had good parts in them and we mourn the good parts as well

as the mother we'll never have - at least I did initially.

Mine has been only two weeks yesterday and it seems like an eon ago given how

much I've accomplished with all this mess she left me. To be fair though she

left me very well set and this was her way of showing me love.

[Guest guest]

Comments inserted below:

>

> I think all our nadas had good parts in them and we mourn the good parts as

well as the mother we'll never have - at least I did initially.

I respectfully disagree. Besides that I can hardly think of two good memories of

nada, the good deeds that she would do were to boost her ego. They were a show

to illustrate what a good person she is and get people to lavish her with praise

and thanks. Good people don't do good deeds to make others indebted to them.

Even when she wasn't enraged or in a bad mood and being directly abusive, her

" nice " behaviors were a form of manipulation and abuse that could be even worse.

If you asked me to tell you about her, I couldn't tell you much. She has no

hobbies, no likes, no interests, no interesting achievements, nothing. She

exists solely for the purpose of protecting her own survival. She has no

identity. How can I qualify someone who has no identity as good or bad? She, to

me, is just a wounded animal that you can't get near to help because it will

bite you. It makes me sad because there is no real joy or purpose in her

existence other than the most basic survival. She is miserable, and that does

make me sad for her. Life is too short to be miserable for all of it.

>

> Mine has been only two weeks yesterday and it seems like an eon ago given how

much I've accomplished with all this mess she left me. To be fair though she

left me very well set and this was her way of showing me love.

I am very sorry for your loss. It seems like you are finding peace with

everything, and I am very happy for you in that.

>

>

[Guest guest]

as I wind down

her estate and stuff, it will be the first time in 42 years that I don't

have anything to manage or deal with for or because of her. Wow. Who knows

what that might make space for.

Wow! That's exciting!

You must feel a bit tender and fragile. What a change for you, the whole thing.

I don't think it's healthy to deny or repress or resist any memories,facts or

truths, good or bad, if they are pushing themselves into your consciousness.

They are trying to tell you something, and wisdom will come of it, new

revelations. Now she's passed away you can gain a clean understanding and it

sounds like these memories are the beginning of that process for you. It is

scary but I say, go with it! See where it leads. You have innate intelligence

and an ordering system that will take you to resolution, with work.

My nada's niceness was ot of guilt and manipulation but funnily enough, it DID

teach me affection. I know another lady whose nada was never even slightly

affectionate and so that lady has huge issues now with hugging her own kids and

being touched. So I can be grateful that while the niceness was a head*beep* at

the time, it put me in good stead in many ways. I can honestly find positives to

my upbringing, along with the crippling scars. Nada's intent doesn't matter. The

only power I can cling to is what I make of it.

BPD's see in black and white, villain or goodie, and to call a spade a spade

BPDs are pretty damn villainous, but yours might not have been as black and

white as others. It seems that no two BPDs are exactly alike, just very similar.

So don't feel you have to cast your mum in the role of spawn of satan vs nice

good mother, if the reality was that you experienced both then the two can

coincide within your memory. It doesn't mean you forget the abuse. I have always

fought so hard to find the true truth and spent so much time compartmentalising

and agreeing with nada's demands that I forget and deny, that now I have trouble

with grey areas. I feel it will cost me. Maybe same for you. Just conditioning.

>

> It has been a little over 6 months since nada died. In many ways, it has

> been so busy - my regular life plus I am executor and successor trustee,

> cleaning out her house, etc. - that I feel like I am just now beginning to

> breathe. It has been very up and down, but I've been surprised that I have a

> little bit of space - things are winding down with her stuff and there is no

> nada to call me etc - several times I have had these unbidden good memories

> of nada come to my mind. My immediate reaction when it has happened is to

> not want to think about it or remember anything good as if I admit or know

> she had any good parts or times that I somehow negate all the abuse and bad

> stuff.

>

> But I am slowly realizing that part of what made it take me so long to even

> recognize that there was something seriously wrong with me mom is that she

> did have good and pleasant parts of her or at least times when these came

> out and we did have some good times together. I know many here have nada's

> that seem to be only negative and abusive. My nada was a mixed bag - you

> just never knew which nada you were going to get on the other end of the

> phone or when you opened the door - the reasonable semi-normal one or the

> crazy queen and she might switch on you suddenly and unexpectedly. Hence,

> the walking on eggshells never knowing what to expect.

>

> I still don't know what to do with the good and bad memories that seem to

> come to me without me consciously thinking or them or wanting to think of

> them, but I do realize that I don't think I could even begin to process any

> of this until I was/am no longer dealing with her day-to-day. Dealing with

> the present and staying on my toes with her was enough when she was alive.

> I'm not sure what path this healing will go or where it may lead, and it

> actually scares me (even while I have tremendous relief) to have nothing to

> take care of related to nada - not her or her stuff. I realized I have spent

> my whole life taking care of her in one way or another and as I wind down

> her estate and stuff, it will be the first time in 42 years that I don't

> have anything to manage or deal with for or because of her. Wow. Who knows

> what that might make space for.

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

It sounds as if you feel a little guilty for accepting that there was

some good, and for being mad at all the bad and crazy. If so, you are

not alone! That is a battle caused by our FOG programming. My nada

will have been gone 2 years in July. So I m a little further down that

path than you.

If I may offer some insights and reflections?

Once all the stuff of her death and estate ends, all the drama is behind

us, we expect a sense of overwhelming relief. And we do get that, but

surprisingly as well, there is a sense of " Well , what now? " So much

of our lives, and so many years , were devoted to managing the chaos,

that once it is gone, it feels like we have had an amputation. Hard

truth? We miss it just a bit. Even that which hurts , but is

familiar, has a certain degree of attraction to us.

Our grieving is sometimes delayed by all the stuff, and all the chaos,

and all the processing. Don t be too surprised to find grief coming to

call on you. Grief for the loss of the woman your mother was, and grief

for the finality of her death, and with it, your hope of someday,

somehow, having a real, normal mom.

Be gentle with yourself. What you feel is what you feel. Feelings are

not bad or evil. You are not a bad person if you feel relief at her

death, anger at what she was, and was not, sadness that she is gone,

anger at what you had to do after her death. Feelings are not good or

evil, they simply are. Denying them because of a sense that " I should

not feel that way " is FOG at work. If anyone else tells you you

should not feel a certain way, screw them! Who is anyone to determine

how your emotions will react to your life circumstances. Be gentle

with yourself, and be patient.

Grief is a very personal, individual experience. You will do it all

alone. No one else can assuage it or carry it for you. But friends

and loved ones can carry it with you. They can just be near you and let

you draw strength when you are weak, calm when you are troubled, comfort

when you are sad. Grieve alone then, but be alone with those who care

for you.

You will heal. Believe that. You are healing.

And we are here.

Doug

[Guest guest]

, I went through that at a certain point when my nada died six years

ago. I was so hurt and so angry on and off for everything she took from me and

did to me and the family that I did not even want the good memories to surface

but they do, what few we have and that is good that they do because after all

the grieving, and you do grieve, you grieve what never was versus what was, and

after you deal with what you need to deal with, you let go, you learn to forgive

but never forget and you choose to keep what few good memories you have of them

reguardless of their motives at the time of that memory.

Be thankful that God gives us that ability. The bpd does not have that but we

do. It is okay to love them even though they can not love us but that does not

mean we need to stay in an abusive relationship and destroy ourselves. I hated

many thing my nada did and said but there was a part that inner little girl

loved dearly and I choose to hold onto that part.

>

> It has been a little over 6 months since nada died. In many ways, it has

> been so busy - my regular life plus I am executor and successor trustee,

> cleaning out her house, etc. - that I feel like I am just now beginning to

> breathe. It has been very up and down, but I've been surprised that I have a

> little bit of space - things are winding down with her stuff and there is no

> nada to call me etc - several times I have had these unbidden good memories

> of nada come to my mind. My immediate reaction when it has happened is to

> not want to think about it or remember anything good as if I admit or know

> she had any good parts or times that I somehow negate all the abuse and bad

> stuff.

>

> But I am slowly realizing that part of what made it take me so long to even

> recognize that there was something seriously wrong with me mom is that she

> did have good and pleasant parts of her or at least times when these came

> out and we did have some good times together. I know many here have nada's

> that seem to be only negative and abusive. My nada was a mixed bag - you

> just never knew which nada you were going to get on the other end of the

> phone or when you opened the door - the reasonable semi-normal one or the

> crazy queen and she might switch on you suddenly and unexpectedly. Hence,

> the walking on eggshells never knowing what to expect.

>

> I still don't know what to do with the good and bad memories that seem to

> come to me without me consciously thinking or them or wanting to think of

> them, but I do realize that I don't think I could even begin to process any

> of this until I was/am no longer dealing with her day-to-day. Dealing with

> the present and staying on my toes with her was enough when she was alive.

> I'm not sure what path this healing will go or where it may lead, and it

> actually scares me (even while I have tremendous relief) to have nothing to

> take care of related to nada - not her or her stuff. I realized I have spent

> my whole life taking care of her in one way or another and as I wind down

> her estate and stuff, it will be the first time in 42 years that I don't

> have anything to manage or deal with for or because of her. Wow. Who knows

> what that might make space for.

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you all for your very kind and helpful responses. I am always so

encouraged that my experiences, responses and feelings are understood here

rather than having complete misses with folks who had relatively normal

parents.

I actually had not even logged in to the group hardly at all during the past

6 months without any conscious thought not to. And I suddenly had the urge

to log in the other day and read a bit. Perhaps I am ready and have some

space to deal with some of this now.

Thank you,

> It has been a little over 6 months since nada died. In many ways, it has

> been so busy - my regular life plus I am executor and successor trustee,

> cleaning out her house, etc. - that I feel like I am just now beginning to

> breathe. It has been very up and down, but I've been surprised that I have a

> little bit of space - things are winding down with her stuff and there is no

> nada to call me etc - several times I have had these unbidden good memories

> of nada come to my mind. My immediate reaction when it has happened is to

> not want to think about it or remember anything good as if I admit or know

> she had any good parts or times that I somehow negate all the abuse and bad

> stuff.

>

> But I am slowly realizing that part of what made it take me so long to even

> recognize that there was something seriously wrong with me mom is that she

> did have good and pleasant parts of her or at least times when these came

> out and we did have some good times together. I know many here have nada's

> that seem to be only negative and abusive. My nada was a mixed bag - you

> just never knew which nada you were going to get on the other end of the

> phone or when you opened the door - the reasonable semi-normal one or the

> crazy queen and she might switch on you suddenly and unexpectedly. Hence,

> the walking on eggshells never knowing what to expect.

>

> I still don't know what to do with the good and bad memories that seem to

> come to me without me consciously thinking or them or wanting to think of

> them, but I do realize that I don't think I could even begin to process any

> of this until I was/am no longer dealing with her day-to-day. Dealing with

> the present and staying on my toes with her was enough when she was alive.

> I'm not sure what path this healing will go or where it may lead, and it

> actually scares me (even while I have tremendous relief) to have nothing to

> take care of related to nada - not her or her stuff. I realized I have spent

> my whole life taking care of her in one way or another and as I wind down

> her estate and stuff, it will be the first time in 42 years that I don't

> have anything to manage or deal with for or because of her. Wow. Who knows

> what that might make space for.

>

>

>