Guest guest Posted April 5, 2011 Report Share Posted April 5, 2011 I am new here but I have a question, how many of you being children of bpds can't stand anyone yelling or screaming? I do not like fighting of any kind. that sends my anxiety of the charts. I do not think I ever will be okay with that. I keep my life simple and as peaceful as possible to keep the anxiety down. Balance in life is key but you can't control what the world throws at you. Funny, even one of my bpd sisters hates screaming and yelling. She loves drama but not fighting because of the constant fighting we were subjected to as children. She cringes as do I like scared kids. I remember my nada chasing my father around the dining room table with a butcher knife screaming and carring on and him then getting a knife and chasing her. Oh what fond memories??? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 5, 2011 Report Share Posted April 5, 2011 Yes, me. I tend to get overstimulated very easily. > > > I am new here but I have a question, how many of you being children of bpds > can't stand anyone yelling or screaming? I do not like fighting of any kind. > that sends my anxiety of the charts. I do not think I ever will be okay with > that. I keep my life simple and as peaceful as possible to keep the anxiety > down. Balance in life is key but you can't control what the world throws at > you. Funny, even one of my bpd sisters hates screaming and yelling. She > loves drama but not fighting because of the constant fighting we were > subjected to as children. She cringes as do I like scared kids. I remember > my nada chasing my father around the dining room table with a butcher knife > screaming and carring on and him then getting a knife and chasing her. Oh > what fond memories??? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 5, 2011 Report Share Posted April 5, 2011 My parents weren't quite that scary (thank God). I never remember them brandishing weapons at each other (I think I would have had a heart attack, even as a teen, if I saw them do that) but they could yell at each other at the top of their lungs, and nada could say some pretty ugly, cutting, hurtful things as she worked herself into a screaming, red-faced, spittle-flying rage. Dad would usually just leave the house at some point, I'm guessing at the point where he was feeling overwhelmed or feeling that if he stayed she might fly into him. Nada could get violent, but I never saw dad hit her back. But if dad wasn't available sometimes she'd redirect her urge to assault him on Sister or me. We learned to disappear if they started yelling at each other. I live alone; I need the serenity. I guess I'm drama-phobic or drama-avoidant. -Annie > > I am new here but I have a question, how many of you being children of bpds can't stand anyone yelling or screaming? I do not like fighting of any kind. that sends my anxiety of the charts. I do not think I ever will be okay with that. I keep my life simple and as peaceful as possible to keep the anxiety down. Balance in life is key but you can't control what the world throws at you. Funny, even one of my bpd sisters hates screaming and yelling. She loves drama but not fighting because of the constant fighting we were subjected to as children. She cringes as do I like scared kids. I remember my nada chasing my father around the dining room table with a butcher knife screaming and carring on and him then getting a knife and chasing her. Oh what fond memories??? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 5, 2011 Report Share Posted April 5, 2011 My mom took a butcher knife and tried to stab my dad. He had to wrestle it out of her hand. She would also wake us up in the middle of the night screaming at my poor father. This all happened in my formative years. Sigh! Annie 2 > > I am new here but I have a question, how many of you being children of bpds can't stand anyone yelling or screaming? I do not like fighting of any kind. that sends my anxiety of the charts. I do not think I ever will be okay with that. I keep my life simple and as peaceful as possible to keep the anxiety down. Balance in life is key but you can't control what the world throws at you. Funny, even one of my bpd sisters hates screaming and yelling. She loves drama but not fighting because of the constant fighting we were subjected to as children. She cringes as do I like scared kids. I remember my nada chasing my father around the dining room table with a butcher knife screaming and carring on and him then getting a knife and chasing her. Oh what fond memories??? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 5, 2011 Report Share Posted April 5, 2011 I was the youngest by far and saw all the abuse on everyone from early on and I remember nada pulling my one sister out of bed on a school night, many times, to make her clean because nada felt as though something wasn't clean enough. My nada was addicted to diet pills to keep her thin because she was all about looks so that made her even crazier. > > > > I am new here but I have a question, how many of you being children of bpds can't stand anyone yelling or screaming? I do not like fighting of any kind. that sends my anxiety of the charts. I do not think I ever will be okay with that. I keep my life simple and as peaceful as possible to keep the anxiety down. Balance in life is key but you can't control what the world throws at you. Funny, even one of my bpd sisters hates screaming and yelling. She loves drama but not fighting because of the constant fighting we were subjected to as children. She cringes as do I like scared kids. I remember my nada chasing my father around the dining room table with a butcher knife screaming and carring on and him then getting a knife and chasing her. Oh what fond memories??? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 5, 2011 Report Share Posted April 5, 2011 I too live alone, with my pets but I do want to try marriage one day but it is going to be hard. I need to marry an easy going, kind man. > > > > I am new here but I have a question, how many of you being children of bpds can't stand anyone yelling or screaming? I do not like fighting of any kind. that sends my anxiety of the charts. I do not think I ever will be okay with that. I keep my life simple and as peaceful as possible to keep the anxiety down. Balance in life is key but you can't control what the world throws at you. Funny, even one of my bpd sisters hates screaming and yelling. She loves drama but not fighting because of the constant fighting we were subjected to as children. She cringes as do I like scared kids. I remember my nada chasing my father around the dining room table with a butcher knife screaming and carring on and him then getting a knife and chasing her. Oh what fond memories??? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 6, 2011 Report Share Posted April 6, 2011 I am terrified of yelling, screaming and fighting. I live alone (with my five pet rats) and try my best to avoid stressful situations. I have isolated myself to a degree that I realize isn't healthy... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 6, 2011 Report Share Posted April 6, 2011 Yep, horrified of yelling and screaming, yet when it happens I go numb and move into a kind of persona who can deal with it. Horrified of minor signs of agitation in peoples body language, any slight hint that I may be annoying them, even if it is a person serving me coffee. It's irrational because it's not like the person serving coffee is going to grab me by the hair and slam my head on the bench at a moment's notice; it's not good customer service. Yet still, my hawk eyes persist. Gotta be ready for anything! Terrified if I sense someone may be disapproving of me or that I may accidentally be acting out some mysterious misdeed that I'm unaware of and can't control. Nervous that everyone can see what a defective person I am. If someone is upset I assume immediately it is my fault. I know this is because nada and fada would have sudden violent outbursts for mysterious reasons. It gave me the sense that I was perpetually bad but I could never trace the behaviour of mine that caused their rage, so I never had the power to change it. One day it would infuriate them so they'd need to abuse me, the next day the same thing would elicit praise. I'm on high alert for conflict and potential conflict. Worst, I have an expectation of conflict. Again, irrational. It is crazy but I only realized a few days ago that everyone in the entire world doesn't have BPD, and doesn't react like a BPD person. Treading on eggshells? I did it not only with BPD people but with EVERYONE. It was what I thought human nature was. It was all I knew, literally. I've been treating everyone in my life very carefully, as though they all have the same triggers my parents have. And yes, isolated myself to an extreme degree. Interested in changing that? Not particularly at this point. But now I know what BPD is I might warm up to the species. Actually nada got me to isolate myself and keep my life empty so I was available to clean up her messes and my world could happily revolve around her. That's how it began. > > I am terrified of yelling, screaming and fighting. I live alone (with my > five pet rats) and try my best to avoid stressful situations. I have > isolated myself to a degree that I realize isn't healthy... > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 6, 2011 Report Share Posted April 6, 2011 I'm married with three cats, but my husband is easygoing and he dislikes fights, too. Not to say we haven't disagreed strongly about things, but we do our best to kiss and makeup, instead of letting it devolve into namecalling and other unfair fight tactics. And yes, I HATE confrontations, I hate fights, I hate adults yelling, I hate any form of bullying, I hate the silent treatment.... yet I don't mind kids yelling and playing. That kind of thing doesn't trigger me. It's whenever adults start getting the edge of anger in their voices, even before the yelling begins, I start panicking and disassociating. > > > I too live alone, with my pets but I do want to try marriage one day but it > is going to be hard. I need to marry an easy going, kind man. > > > > > > > > > I am new here but I have a question, how many of you being children of > bpds can't stand anyone yelling or screaming? I do not like fighting of any > kind. that sends my anxiety of the charts. I do not think I ever will be > okay with that. I keep my life simple and as peaceful as possible to keep > the anxiety down. Balance in life is key but you can't control what the > world throws at you. Funny, even one of my bpd sisters hates screaming and > yelling. She loves drama but not fighting because of the constant fighting > we were subjected to as children. She cringes as do I like scared kids. I > remember my nada chasing my father around the dining room table with a > butcher knife screaming and carring on and him then getting a knife and > chasing her. Oh what fond memories??? > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 6, 2011 Report Share Posted April 6, 2011 phoenixrose, that's exactly how I feel-- " if someone is upset I assume immediately it is my fault. " I start thinking, " what did I do?? " and trace it back to anything that might have pissed off the person or made them disappointed in me. Also, when I disappoint people or mess up, I suddenly go on eggshells, because that's how I would set fada off. Or maybe I never set him off--he set himself off. Anyways, I always correlated disappointment with yelling 'cause that's often the case with fada. So even when I accidentally mess up at work, or misunderstood the directions (not often, but still...) I feel ashamed and am on eggshells waiting for the other shoe to drop....and it never does. They forgive me, and we all move on. My bosses are awesome. And yet it takes a day or two for myself to calm down and stop overanalyzing peoples' behavior. On Wed, Apr 6, 2011 at 7:46 AM, phoenixrose27 wrote: > > > > > Yep, horrified of yelling and screaming, yet when it happens I go numb and > move into a kind of persona who can deal with it. Horrified of minor signs > of agitation in peoples body language, any slight hint that I may be > annoying them, even if it is a person serving me coffee. > It's irrational because it's not like the person serving coffee is going to > grab me by the hair and slam my head on the bench at a moment's notice; it's > not good customer service. Yet still, my hawk eyes persist. Gotta be ready > for anything! > Terrified if I sense someone may be disapproving of me or that I may > accidentally be acting out some mysterious misdeed that I'm unaware of and > can't control. Nervous that everyone can see what a defective person I am. > If someone is upset I assume immediately it is my fault. > I know this is because nada and fada would have sudden violent outbursts > for mysterious reasons. It gave me the sense that I was perpetually bad but > I could never trace the behaviour of mine that caused their rage, so I never > had the power to change it. One day it would infuriate them so they'd need > to abuse me, the next day the same thing would elicit praise. > I'm on high alert for conflict and potential conflict. Worst, I have an > expectation of conflict. Again, irrational. > > It is crazy but I only realized a few days ago that everyone in the entire > world doesn't have BPD, and doesn't react like a BPD person. Treading on > eggshells? I did it not only with BPD people but with EVERYONE. It was what > I thought human nature was. It was all I knew, literally. I've been treating > everyone in my life very carefully, as though they all have the same > triggers my parents have. > > And yes, isolated myself to an extreme degree. Interested in changing that? > Not particularly at this point. But now I know what BPD is I might warm up > to the species. > > Actually nada got me to isolate myself and keep my life empty so I was > available to clean up her messes and my world could happily revolve around > her. That's how it began. > > > > > > > I am terrified of yelling, screaming and fighting. I live alone (with my > > five pet rats) and try my best to avoid stressful situations. I have > > isolated myself to a degree that I realize isn't healthy... > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 6, 2011 Report Share Posted April 6, 2011 I was thinking about this the other day. Someone asked me if my parents ever fought and i said yes, it used to COMFORT me. The person asking me was surprised I said that. When I thought about it on my own, I realized it was so commonplace, for me yelling and arguing and meanness were such a part of my daily life that hearing my parents argue was normal and comforting. Now, however, I'm with you, Smly, I cannot take it. It sets my nerves on edge and I feel in danger. My daughter was watching " Air Force One " , that movie from the 90s, and I had to leave the room. Not for me anymore. > > I am new here but I have a question, how many of you being children of bpds can't stand anyone yelling or screaming? I do not like fighting of any kind. that sends my anxiety of the charts. I do not think I ever will be okay with that. I keep my life simple and as peaceful as possible to keep the anxiety down. Balance in life is key but you can't control what the world throws at you. Funny, even one of my bpd sisters hates screaming and yelling. She loves drama but not fighting because of the constant fighting we were subjected to as children. She cringes as do I like scared kids. I remember my nada chasing my father around the dining room table with a butcher knife screaming and carring on and him then getting a knife and chasing her. Oh what fond memories??? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 6, 2011 Report Share Posted April 6, 2011 My nada and fada never had a calm discussion about anything. Even a discussion of the simplest issues that all couples face, such as paying bills or where to go on vacation, erupted into a violent screaming match. They would say the ugliest, most hateful things to each other. As a small girl, I would run and hide whenever the yelling started. I never felt safe or secure. My nada describes a time when, after one of my parents' legendary fights, she couldn't find me for a while. I think I was about 4 years old at the time. She searched the house frantically and finally found me crouched in the corner of my closet crying and surrounded by all of my stuffed animals and dolls. I was wide-eyed with fear and clutching a stuffed bunny to my chest in a death grip. She told me that story many times during my childhood as part of her campaign to alienate me from my fada. Their fights either ended with my fada leaving in a rage, or nada leaving with my younger brother and me in tow. We would spend a night or two at my grandparents' house, but we would always end up back home with fada and life would resume as if nothing had ever happened. Of course their issues would never be resolved either, so the cycle would begin all over again and again and again. That was my childhood in a nutshell. Needless to say, I have a very hard time handling conflict of any kind whatsoever. I have come a long way in therapy, but before I got help, my way of dealing with arguments was to always let the other person win, even if I didn't agree with them. I would just go along instead of risk getting into a disagreement. Thank God for an understanding spouse and a good therapist who is helping me to find my voice for the first time in my life. It's still hard though. Even the thought of having to confront nada sends my anxiety level off the chart. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 6, 2011 Report Share Posted April 6, 2011 Yes, you are describing yet another form of damage done to the children of bpd moms (and dads) who do nothing to self-monitor and control their inappropriate and extreme rage, and allow themselves to trigger into physical abuse of their children, or scream at them to relieve their own tension and make themselves feel better. Of course we're drama-avoidant, and sensitive to signs of displeasure and irritation in others. Those subtle signs could signal that we were about to be brutalized. What you describe is called hyper-vigilance. Its a survival technique left over from your/our childhood. I think hyper-vigilence is also a symptom of post-traumatic stress disorder, or in the case of abused kids, chronic ptsd (years of abuse vs one traumatic event.) There is therapy for ptsd and its supposed to be pretty effective, its just a matter of being able to afford it and being resolved to go through it, stick with it. Me, I have just gradually gotten somewhat better over the decades, on my own, but if you want to get better faster, I think therapy will help with that. -Annie > > > > I am terrified of yelling, screaming and fighting. I live alone (with my > > five pet rats) and try my best to avoid stressful situations. I have > > isolated myself to a degree that I realize isn't healthy... > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 6, 2011 Report Share Posted April 6, 2011 I absolutely am like that as well. I avoid drama like the plague. And I start to get anxiety attacks even just hearing yelling and screaming by adults that I have nothing to do with, but are just in the vicinity. I can't deal with it, I have to leave the area. I have a co-worker who is sometimes an asshole and he has yelled at me before and I've actually just left work when that happens. Better than everyone seeing me have an emotional breakdown. I have to say this has made relationships hard at times. My current bf is amazing and never ever yells, we argue in soft voices and don't ever insult each other. But I have had previous relationships where boyfriends have been mad at me and raise their voice and I completely shut down. I usually cry (I'm so sensitive, I cry too much...) and then they would say I was crying to manipulate them or " win " the argument! Really it was just because I couldn't deal with the yelling. I realized early on that I wanted a relationship NOTHING like my parents (who are still married so considered " successful " by societies standards!). With each person I dated it was progressively less drama. I found I like shy, quiet, logical-thinking guys. It's weird, because I am not shy or quiet at all. But I love logic (my nada thinks that's a bad word). Casey > > I am new here but I have a question, how many of you being children of bpds can't stand anyone yelling or screaming? I do not like fighting of any kind. that sends my anxiety of the charts. I do not think I ever will be okay with that. I keep my life simple and as peaceful as possible to keep the anxiety down. Balance in life is key but you can't control what the world throws at you. Funny, even one of my bpd sisters hates screaming and yelling. She loves drama but not fighting because of the constant fighting we were subjected to as children. She cringes as do I like scared kids. I remember my nada chasing my father around the dining room table with a butcher knife screaming and carring on and him then getting a knife and chasing her. Oh what fond memories??? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 6, 2011 Report Share Posted April 6, 2011 " And I start to get anxiety attacks even just hearing yelling and screaming by adults that I have nothing to do with, but are just in the vicinity " Me too. Plus I burst into tears. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 7, 2011 Report Share Posted April 7, 2011 Wow. I'm reading this thread and identifying with so many of your responses. I never knew there were words to describe how I feel around other people. Most people view me as a strong, confident woman that has no problem asserting herself but they have no idea the mess I am inside when there is even a hint of conflict anywhere. And I have and do sacrifice the well being of my self and sometimes even my daughter too, just to avoid conflict and avoid upsetting someone. *sigh* I really do need counseling. A college friend of mine recently told me her mom has BPD and shared with me the name of her counselor who uses a sliding scale pay rate and allows her to pay what she can afford and said he had helped her immensely. Think I'm gonna call him. > > " And I start to get anxiety attacks even just hearing yelling and screaming > by adults that I have nothing to do with, but are just in the vicinity " > > Me too. Plus I burst into tears. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 7, 2011 Report Share Posted April 7, 2011 My cousin comes from an abusive alcoholic father and she can't stand fighting or slamming doors. I remember once about 3 years ago I had a landscaper working on my back yard and I had a contract and he came to me and told me he was going to have to charge me more because he under estimated the amount of work, I told him no he had to honor the contract and he flipped out on me and I flipped out back because he was screaming in my face. this went on about 2 minutes and I told him to leave or I would call the cops and then I went inside and shook for hours and had to take a damn xanax to calm down and although I do have them I almost never take them cause they make me groggy the next day and I try to deal with it on my own. We all seem to seek peace and quiet.I love sitting on my front porch swing and looking at the garden I created and watching the birds and squirrels come to their feeders and the birdies bathe in the birdie bath and my windchimes piping away in the warm spring breeze. I could sit there for hours. I never thought I would be a gardener but I tell you it is so peaceful working in that garden and looking at all the pretty things you helped create. Like the other post do not mind kids yelling and playing and caring on but adults, I cringe. I am sad to say but I think we always will be like that. I have been in theropy for 6 years and do well on most things but I never think I will be okay with the screaming and yelling. > > > > " And I start to get anxiety attacks even just hearing yelling and screaming > > by adults that I have nothing to do with, but are just in the vicinity " > > > > Me too. Plus I burst into tears. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 7, 2011 Report Share Posted April 7, 2011 I struggle with it a lot. Once I was babysitting and my cousin started wailing because he got soap in his eye. I couldn't handle it and started yelling at him to stop. I felt so bad afterwards because he had every right to cry at 7 years old. The problem was it triggered a completely unmanageable anxiety response in me. I apologized later, but I am trying to not let something like that happen again. > > I am new here but I have a question, how many of you being children of bpds can't stand anyone yelling or screaming? I do not like fighting of any kind. that sends my anxiety of the charts. I do not think I ever will be okay with that. I keep my life simple and as peaceful as possible to keep the anxiety down. Balance in life is key but you can't control what the world throws at you. Funny, even one of my bpd sisters hates screaming and yelling. She loves drama but not fighting because of the constant fighting we were subjected to as children. She cringes as do I like scared kids. I remember my nada chasing my father around the dining room table with a butcher knife screaming and carring on and him then getting a knife and chasing her. Oh what fond memories??? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 7, 2011 Report Share Posted April 7, 2011 Double Dog Ditto! Annie 2 > > " And I start to get anxiety attacks even just hearing yelling and screaming > by adults that I have nothing to do with, but are just in the vicinity " > > Me too. Plus I burst into tears. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 7, 2011 Report Share Posted April 7, 2011 Lord how i hate conflict. My T is helping me figure it out. On Thu, Apr 7, 2011 at 2:21 PM, CA Annie wrote: > > > Double Dog Ditto! > > Annie 2 > > > > > > > " And I start to get anxiety attacks even just hearing yelling and > screaming > > by adults that I have nothing to do with, but are just in the vicinity " > > > > Me too. Plus I burst into tears. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 10, 2011 Report Share Posted April 10, 2011 It's great that you were able to apologize, hopefully asking him how he felt so that he could talk about his emotions and learn to feel safe doing so. The first step to stopping a behavior is to become conscious of it. That you are aware of triggers means a lot. Did you ever look into why " soap in the eye " would be a trigger for you? > > > > I am new here but I have a question, how many of you being children of bpds can't stand anyone yelling or screaming? I do not like fighting of any kind. that sends my anxiety of the charts. I do not think I ever will be okay with that. I keep my life simple and as peaceful as possible to keep the anxiety down. Balance in life is key but you can't control what the world throws at you. Funny, even one of my bpd sisters hates screaming and yelling. She loves drama but not fighting because of the constant fighting we were subjected to as children. She cringes as do I like scared kids. I remember my nada chasing my father around the dining room table with a butcher knife screaming and carring on and him then getting a knife and chasing her. Oh what fond memories??? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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