Guest guest Posted April 6, 2011 Report Share Posted April 6, 2011 I'll try to keep this short... I have been NC with my mom since last August and although I love her very much, these last eight months have been such a relief for me. I've felt my own depression lift, I've been able to make some big life decisions of my own, and generally I'm feeling good. During this time, my husband and I decided to move to Florida from NYC to save some money and to be closer to his family. It just happens that my mom also lives about 2 hours from where we'll be moving. Also, we found out that I am pregnant with my first child and my mom's first grandchild. Up until now I haven't told anyone in my family about the move or the pregnancy, but it's honestly killing me. I'd like to share the news at least with my brother and aunt, but I'm worried about what might happen if/when my mom finds out. My question is: If you were going to tell your family about big news like this and were NC with your mom/dad who deals with BPD, how would you go about it? I am considering a letter to my mom, or just telling my brother and letting him tell her, or maybe just not telling anyone at all. I honestly don't know what to do and could sure use some advice! Thanks much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 6, 2011 Report Share Posted April 6, 2011 Congratulations on your pregnancy! My suggestion, to take or leave as it suits your situation (and you're the only one who can determine what will and won't work for you, personally) is to just live your life without worrying about what your bpd mom will hear or not hear. Go ahead and make your general announcements RE relocating and pregnancy to all your friends and all your family at the same time. If and when your mom tries to contact you, you deal with that issue if and when it happens. You can restate to her that your new situation does not mean that you want to resume contact. You can block your mother's phone number and e-mail. If family members try to pressure you to resume contact with your mom, let them know politely that that subject is not on the table for discussion. If they do not respect your boundaries, politely let them know that you're going to cut the call short if that's all they wish to discuss with you. You actually have all the power; your mother and her minions have none. Unless she is actually dangerous, you can just ignore her, and ignore attempts by the " flying monkeys " to pressure you. If she is truly dangerous (she has threatened to harm you, your spouse, herself, or made other threats) then you can deal with that too by collecting evidence and getting a lawyer to help you initiate a restraining order. I get the impression from what you wrote that your husband's family is sweet, normal, and supportive, so, I hope you will embrace them as your family of choice and let them help you have as easy a relocation as possible, and a blissful pregnancy and a joyous birthing. I hope that helps. -Annie > > I'll try to keep this short... > > I have been NC with my mom since last August and although I love her very much, these last eight months have been such a relief for me. I've felt my own depression lift, I've been able to make some big life decisions of my own, and generally I'm feeling good. > > During this time, my husband and I decided to move to Florida from NYC to save some money and to be closer to his family. It just happens that my mom also lives about 2 hours from where we'll be moving. Also, we found out that I am pregnant with my first child and my mom's first grandchild. > > Up until now I haven't told anyone in my family about the move or the pregnancy, but it's honestly killing me. I'd like to share the news at least with my brother and aunt, but I'm worried about what might happen if/when my mom finds out. > > My question is: If you were going to tell your family about big news like this and were NC with your mom/dad who deals with BPD, how would you go about it? I am considering a letter to my mom, or just telling my brother and letting him tell her, or maybe just not telling anyone at all. I honestly don't know what to do and could sure use some advice! > > Thanks much. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 6, 2011 Report Share Posted April 6, 2011 I agree with Annie. I, too, am facing a move pretty soon, and I'm NC with nada. I won't be moving closer to her though. She's on the East coast and I'm on the West coast, and I think, technically I'm moving further away. Anyhow, I'm not telling her anything. And I'm not giving my new address to my flying monkey brother either. It's possible she may get it through her ex-brother-in-law, my flying monkey Uncle, but I can't NOT give it to my grandmother (dad's mom), and uncle does all her mail and stuff for her, so the possibility that he might share it is there. And I can't really tell him not to give it to her, because I just don't feel like answering the questions, etc. (he's histrionic PD and a complete self-centered jackass) and it's just too much trauma. I can more easily ignore mom's mail. Actually, I might get a PO box and use it for them instead. Might be worth it. I say don't tell anyone you don't feel like telling. > > > > I'll try to keep this short... > > > > I have been NC with my mom since last August and although I love her very much, these last eight months have been such a relief for me. I've felt my own depression lift, I've been able to make some big life decisions of my own, and generally I'm feeling good. > > > > During this time, my husband and I decided to move to Florida from NYC to save some money and to be closer to his family. It just happens that my mom also lives about 2 hours from where we'll be moving. Also, we found out that I am pregnant with my first child and my mom's first grandchild. > > > > Up until now I haven't told anyone in my family about the move or the pregnancy, but it's honestly killing me. I'd like to share the news at least with my brother and aunt, but I'm worried about what might happen if/when my mom finds out. > > > > My question is: If you were going to tell your family about big news like this and were NC with your mom/dad who deals with BPD, how would you go about it? I am considering a letter to my mom, or just telling my brother and letting him tell her, or maybe just not telling anyone at all. I honestly don't know what to do and could sure use some advice! > > > > Thanks much. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 7, 2011 Report Share Posted April 7, 2011 This is such a tough situation. First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy! This is a lot on your plate: I mean some very potentially stressful situations: a move to another state, your first baby, and as well, dealing with the dynamics with your mother. That's super hard. It sounds, though, like you get along well with your husband's family and that might serve as a refuge of sorts for you. That's how it was for me with my 2nd pregnancy. I'll always be grateful to my husband's parents for being there for me. Anyway, here's my advice, based on how your situation sounds. It sounds like you care for your mother but she's toxic. I totally get that. That's my life. I would write her. I wouldn't ask another person like your brother or whomever to get involved, it just becomes an ugly triangulation and distortion of who said what. I would write her, so the power is in your court. Keep it very short. Say what you want to say. " I'm having my first child. If you want to be involved in his or her life.... " Whatever boundaries you want to set, set them now. I don't know if you want her back in your life at this point. That's why I think writing her would be best because once she hears you've moved in her area and are pregnant, she might assume contact will be resumed. Writing it all out puts it in your terms with no apologies. Doesn't it suck that such a wonderful life event is overshadowed by this kind of stuff? I hope you enjoy your pregnancy and that it's stress-free! Let us know how it goes! Fiona > > I'll try to keep this short... > > I have been NC with my mom since last August and although I love her very much, these last eight months have been such a relief for me. I've felt my own depression lift, I've been able to make some big life decisions of my own, and generally I'm feeling good. > > During this time, my husband and I decided to move to Florida from NYC to save some money and to be closer to his family. It just happens that my mom also lives about 2 hours from where we'll be moving. Also, we found out that I am pregnant with my first child and my mom's first grandchild. > > Up until now I haven't told anyone in my family about the move or the pregnancy, but it's honestly killing me. I'd like to share the news at least with my brother and aunt, but I'm worried about what might happen if/when my mom finds out. > > My question is: If you were going to tell your family about big news like this and were NC with your mom/dad who deals with BPD, how would you go about it? I am considering a letter to my mom, or just telling my brother and letting him tell her, or maybe just not telling anyone at all. I honestly don't know what to do and could sure use some advice! > > Thanks much. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 7, 2011 Report Share Posted April 7, 2011 Thank you all so much for your input - it is really helpful. I'm still not exactly sure what I will do. As much as a letter seems like the " right " thing to do, I am worried it will be misinterpreted as a goodwill offering and even if I say otherwise, an invitation to re-establish our relationship. And although I don't want to jump back on that particular roller coaster just now, I'm not sure I have it in me to say outright, " I don't want to speak to you, but hey, I'm pregnant and moving two hours away from you. " I do really love my mom, and she has actually been a best friend to me up until about 10 years ago. I hate that I might be hurtful to her, but then again, I do have to put my own needs into the equation, and, well, if I'm being honest, I'm not sure there's any way to avoid hurting her. That's just the nature of what we're dealing with with BPD. Anyway, thanks again for your advice. I really do appreciate it! Caitlin > > > > I'll try to keep this short... > > > > I have been NC with my mom since last August and although I love her very much, these last eight months have been such a relief for me. I've felt my own depression lift, I've been able to make some big life decisions of my own, and generally I'm feeling good. > > > > During this time, my husband and I decided to move to Florida from NYC to save some money and to be closer to his family. It just happens that my mom also lives about 2 hours from where we'll be moving. Also, we found out that I am pregnant with my first child and my mom's first grandchild. > > > > Up until now I haven't told anyone in my family about the move or the pregnancy, but it's honestly killing me. I'd like to share the news at least with my brother and aunt, but I'm worried about what might happen if/when my mom finds out. > > > > My question is: If you were going to tell your family about big news like this and were NC with your mom/dad who deals with BPD, how would you go about it? I am considering a letter to my mom, or just telling my brother and letting him tell her, or maybe just not telling anyone at all. I honestly don't know what to do and could sure use some advice! > > > > Thanks much. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 7, 2011 Report Share Posted April 7, 2011 I'm no expert, but I think if NC is working for you, you should keep it that way. It's likely she's going to find out some way or another, so you can choose how you want that to happen (via other family, letter, whatever). But before you do, I agree with whoever said to establish the boundaries now. Good luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 8, 2011 Report Share Posted April 8, 2011 Hi Caitlin! I think what needs to be looked at with a little more clarity is this move to Florida. You say you want to " be closer to family " but it seems like moving next to the hornet's nest. How is this supposed to work? Being closer to family when family is the problem doesn't quite add up. Can you clarify this a little more? AFB > > Thank you all so much for your input - it is really helpful. I'm still not exactly sure what I will do. As much as a letter seems like the " right " thing to do, I am worried it will be misinterpreted as a goodwill offering and even if I say otherwise, an invitation to re-establish our relationship. And although I don't want to jump back on that particular roller coaster just now, I'm not sure I have it in me to say outright, " I don't want to speak to you, but hey, I'm pregnant and moving two hours away from you. " I do really love my mom, and she has actually been a best friend to me up until about 10 years ago. I hate that I might be hurtful to her, but then again, I do have to put my own needs into the equation, and, well, if I'm being honest, I'm not sure there's any way to avoid hurting her. That's just the nature of what we're dealing with with BPD. > > Anyway, thanks again for your advice. I really do appreciate it! > Caitlin > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.