Are BP's ever dangerous (physically) to others?

April 7, 2011

I have a BP mom who has threatened in the past to hurt herself, but never anyone

else (she now gets tons of attention via illnesses so hasn't threatened to hurt

herself in years). When I was a kid, she slapped me a few times but once I was

as big as she was that stopped.

Anyway, my hubby and I have a new baby and before he came I was distancing

myself (after finding out about BP and starting counseling). This is creating a

TON of tension within the FOO as my NADA tries more and more stuff to manipulate

her way back into controlling my life and the baby's and has hampered my

relationship with my dad (spineless - won't stand up to her) and brother. She

hasn't made any threats at all... but I started wondering -- do BPs ever " go off

the deep end " and get violent at all (towards me to get to the baby)? Or try to

kidnap the baby or anything? Or am I worrying about this too much because I had

no security/stability growing up in that crazy household??

April 7, 2011

Yes, they do sometimes go off the deep end and get violent or

engage in other irrational behavior. And yes, you probably are

worrying about it more than you need to because you had no

security or stability growing up. In other words, it is probably

a good idea to worry, but don't make yourself crazy with worry.

My guess is that if she's never physically attacked you before,

she isn't going to start now. I think they prefer to attack

people who are relatively defenseless. Children make good

physical targets for their tantrums but able-bodied adults

generally don't. If she's getting increasingly upset at not

being allowed to see your baby, she might try to take the baby

without your permission. I doubt she'd view it as kidnapping

though. She'd probably see it as getting what is due to her. I'd

make sure that anyone who babysits for you knows that she isn't

allowed to be there. Telling lies in order to get someone to let

her take the baby seems like a more likely scenario for most

nadas than kidnapping with violence. Each one of them has their

own particular set of symptoms and behaviors though, often with

a mixture of other personality disorders mixed in with BPD, so

let yourself be guided by what you know about how she behaves.

At 12:40 PM 04/07/2011 emailmsmj wrote:

>I have a BP mom who has threatened in the past to hurt herself,

>but never anyone else (she now gets tons of attention via

>illnesses so hasn't threatened to hurt herself in years). When

>I was a kid, she slapped me a few times but once I was as big

>as she was that stopped.

>

>Anyway, my hubby and I have a new baby and before he came I was

>distancing myself (after finding out about BP and starting

>counseling). This is creating a TON of tension within the FOO

>as my NADA tries more and more stuff to manipulate her way back

>into controlling my life and the baby's and has hampered my

>relationship with my dad (spineless - won't stand up to her)

>and brother. She hasn't made any threats at all... but I

>started wondering -- do BPs ever " go off the deep end " and get

>violent at all (towards me to get to the baby)? Or try to

>kidnap the baby or anything? Or am I worrying about this too

>much because I had no security/stability growing up in that

>crazy household??

--

Katrina

April 7, 2011

Its hard to predict with 100% accuracy how any one individual is going to act

under a given circumstance, even when they're relatively mentally healthy. I

think its even harder to predict behavior when the person has the cognitive

distortion and emotional instability and impulsiveness of borderline pd.

I think the key thing to keep in mind is that your bpd mom can't " make " you do

anything you don't want to do, now. You have all the power. You get to decide

when, how often, for how long, or even IF you will allow contact with her. You

don't need anyone to back you up, really. Its nice, and its very validating to

have support from foo members, friends, or your spouse, but truly you do not

need anyone's help or permission or agreement to create boundaries RE bpd mom.

I think a lot of us have a hard time grasping that concept, that we have power

now. What we're fighting against is the brainwashing that commands us to defer

to bpd-mom, and we're up against our own yearning to have a normal

mother-daughter relationship. " One more time " , we think. " I'll just try harder

next time, maybe she will be kinder to me or not blow up at me, etc. Maybe next

time we will have a nice visit with no histrionics. "

But once we can accept that this is the way it is, mom really is genuinely

mentally ill and that doesn't just " go away, " and when we stop fighting that

reality we can relax and just " let it be " and just deal with it. Accept that:

yes, she is going to act out and yes, we do have to have boundaries and yes, we

will have to enforce them.

Or, we can go No Contact, either temporarily or permanently. We have the power

of choice, now.

-Annie

>

> I have a BP mom who has threatened in the past to hurt herself, but never

anyone else (she now gets tons of attention via illnesses so hasn't threatened

to hurt herself in years). When I was a kid, she slapped me a few times but once

I was as big as she was that stopped.

>

> Anyway, my hubby and I have a new baby and before he came I was distancing

myself (after finding out about BP and starting counseling). This is creating a

TON of tension within the FOO as my NADA tries more and more stuff to manipulate

her way back into controlling my life and the baby's and has hampered my

relationship with my dad (spineless - won't stand up to her) and brother. She

hasn't made any threats at all... but I started wondering -- do BPs ever " go off

the deep end " and get violent at all (towards me to get to the baby)? Or try to

kidnap the baby or anything? Or am I worrying about this too much because I had

no security/stability growing up in that crazy household??

>

April 7, 2011

My BP mum had hit me a lot until I was 15 and left home; as with you, when I was

as big as her it stopped.

She had never threatened to hurt anyone before, and was in a perfectly happy,

seemingly sane mood leading up to the birth of my first child. The night I gave

birth, she attempted suicide.

When I had my second child and was strictly NC, she killed an innocent man, then

severely damaged another woman's spine. She began physical attacks on strangers.

When I still wouldn't let her near myself or my children, she called child

protection and told them I was heavily addicted to amphetamines and should have

my children removed from my care and given to her.

She arrived at my house banging on windows and screaming to let her see her

grandchildren late at night. I lived in fear.

And she'd never displayed any of this extreme 'deep end' behaviour before.

Just go NC. I have no idea why anyone bothers with these relationships. And the

whole FOO gets sick and twisted, it's just how it is, there is no changing it.

You don't have to have prophetic powers to see that your own marriage and

childrens' lives will be adversely affected by your BPD Nada and BPD-mutilated

FOO. It actually comes down to a choice and a priority. Who is more important

now? You and your baby and self-created family, or your FOO? I honestly do not

see how you can have both, I'm sorry, as hard as it is. The BPD-foo comes in and

contaminates all efforts to create and sustain a normal happy life.

So yes, BPD's can go off the deep end and reach all new levels of violence and

insanity. I'm not saying yours will but who knows? Even if she doesn't, she is

still not a healthy presence in your life or your baby's. Your responsibility is

to this child now.