Guest guest Posted April 9, 2011 Report Share Posted April 9, 2011 Does anyone else struggle with apologizing for things that aren't your fault, or apologizing for other people's behavior? I've just realized that this is a pattern for me, and I'm wondering it has anything to do with the fact that my FOO had/has poorly defined boundaries, if any at all. I feel like I was always being tricked into taking the blame for things that were really somebody else's fault. Somehow I just got caught up in situations and then found myself apologizing when I was really just an innocent bystander. I'm not sure if I explained that very well, but hopefully it makes sense. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 10, 2011 Report Share Posted April 10, 2011 Always. An unfortunate 'flea' from Nada. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 10, 2011 Report Share Posted April 10, 2011 YES YES YES ! I do the exact same thing and have been noticing it more lately. I also tend to apologize for things happening just to take the tension out of a situation and avoid conflict. Because as soon as someone takes the blame, everyone quits talking about it and goes about their business and confrontation is averted - right? I am trying to notice this behavior of mine more and stop taking the blame when its not my fault but not get so caught up with my boundaries that I neglect to take responsibility when I truly am at fault. I understand exactly what you mean. Fredia > > Does anyone else struggle with apologizing for things that aren't your fault, or apologizing for other people's behavior? I've just realized that this is a pattern for me, and I'm wondering it has anything to do with the fact that my FOO had/has poorly defined boundaries, if any at all. I feel like I was always being tricked into taking the blame for things that were really somebody else's fault. Somehow I just got caught up in situations and then found myself apologizing when I was really just an innocent bystander. I'm not sure if I explained that very well, but hopefully it makes sense. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 12, 2011 Report Share Posted April 12, 2011 Yes, I do this quite often. I was raised to always feel at fault for others unhappiness. So I often appologize whenever I perceive that someone else is upset. I also obsess about what I did to cause them to be upset. BB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 12, 2011 Report Share Posted April 12, 2011 I have a friend J who is like this; she apologizes for things she has absolutely no control over. She is aware that she does this, though. Every once in a while I'll gently tease her about it; for example, if its raining when we want to go out shopping together or something, I'll look at her and say, " This is your fault, you know. " I only do it when I know she'll take it as a tease. She teases me back about my stuff too, one of which is that I can't do math in my head (other than memorized multiplication tables from 3rd grade.) Ack! My guess is that the compulsion to apologize for everything, even things she has no control over is a left-over survival mechanism from her childhood. My poor friend was nearly neglected to death by her own mother. Although J's parents were middle class and financially stable, little J developed rickets from malnutrition. J's parents had several children (my friend J was a preschooler, there were 2 older brothers and a baby sister) and her mother brought yet another child, a " cousin " to live with them (who turned out to be J's illegitimate older half-sister) who not only tormented and bullied J, she took most of J's mother's attention (the child had been raised up to the age of about 8 by a distant relative who couldn't handle her any longer, because of the child's oppositional-defiant behaviors.) J, a preschooler, sort of went into shock/grieving over what amounted to bullying and the loss of her mother's attention, and virtually stopped eating... and her mother didn't notice. J's parents finally noticed there was a problem when J could no longer stand up, because she had developed rickets and had to be hospitalized for a while. So Jan became the " fixer " and " peace maker " in her home as she was growing up, the responsible one. I think that's where her feeling of " universal responsibility " and the automatic apologizing comes from. -Annie > > Yes, I do this quite often. I was raised to always feel at fault for others > unhappiness. So I often appologize whenever I perceive that someone else is > upset. I also obsess about what I did to cause them to be upset. > > BB > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 12, 2011 Report Share Posted April 12, 2011 I'm pretty sure my most annoying quality is that I apologize too often for any little thing. My partner teases me about it often. I don't know that I've ever linked it to living in a BPD environment...I don't remember being blamed for everything, but perhaps through my little kid internalization I felt that saying sorry was the only thing I had control over. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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