you and me against the world

[Guest guest]

my mom and i used to sing " You and Me Against the World " ...when the others turn

and walk away, you can count on me to stay...

but my mom turned away from me when i started to become more independent of

her...she abandoned me at 17 and continued until i broke up with the guy i was

in love with for 7 years. she took it personally that i had a life, was jealous

of my relationship with my boyfriend, and envied my athletic competitions. she

wanted to strip me of my accomplishments.

she emotionally tortured me for all of my adult life...and now she is woman of

76...and she is so sickeningly sweet to me, brushing my hair when i walk by,

kissing my cheek when i'm not looking, telling me how deeply she loves me...but

i remember when i was " dead to her " . i remember her hanging up the phone on me

for years when i needed my mother, telling people she didn't have a daughter.

now,she's sweet and wants me, tells me she loves me more than anything in the

world...but when she didn't agree with me, she didn't love me and got rid of me.

very confusing now, when she just acts like a sweet old lady.

but my memory is clear and alive...and i remember when i was dead to her. that

was devastating.

my skin crawls when she oozes her syrup sweet love all over me. it's in direct

contrast with her past treatment of my fragile and loving heart.

amy

[Guest guest]

Hi Amy,

I think that is a good description of diagnostic criteria #2:

" A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by

alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. "

The person with bpd can't relate to you as an individual person who is separate

from her; she can't grasp that you have your own individual needs, feelings,

opinions, tastes, etc., *that may differ from hers.* This seems to kick into

high gear when the separate individual is the bpd's own child. Bpd seems to

manifest itself at its most extreme within close, intimate personal

relationships.

If you aren't mirroring her feelings and filling her emotional needs, you are

all-bad. As long as you are being exactly who she wants you to be, thinking

what she things, agreeing with her, putting her needs and feelings first... then

you are all-good.

This lack of ability to relate to her child in a normal way, accepting and even

nourishing her child's/children's individuality, is to me one of the main

reasons I think there needs to be a major sea-change of comprehension in the

general public and in the psychiatric community RE how massively damaging it is

to be raised by someone with this disorder.

Here's a weird analogy but I think it gets the point across.

Its as though the person with bpd/npd/aspd has bought a pet duckling because its

SO CUTE, but...

she dresses the duckling in human baby clothes (never mind that they don't fit

and impede the duckling from walking easily),

she force-feeds the duckling milk (never mind that the duck finds the milk

indigestible and gets sick), and then...

she *screams* at the duckling and *punishes* it for doing duck-things, like

wanting to be in the water a lot, flying, quacking, pooping all over the house,

maturing in 8 months (?) and seeking a mate.

That is insane behavior, AND its being cruel to the duck.

In a similar way, we KOs get screamed at, shamed, humiliated, punished, targeted

for abuse, exploited, or neglected, or rejected just for being... ourselves: an

individual human being who is NOT Nada.

Allowing those with undiagnosed, untreated Cluster B pds to raise kids with no

supervision is what is INSANE, in my opinion.

-Annie

>

> my mom and i used to sing " You and Me Against the World " ...when the others

turn and walk away, you can count on me to stay...

>

>

> but my mom turned away from me when i started to become more independent of

her...she abandoned me at 17 and continued until i broke up with the guy i was

in love with for 7 years. she took it personally that i had a life, was jealous

of my relationship with my boyfriend, and envied my athletic competitions. she

wanted to strip me of my accomplishments.

>

>

> she emotionally tortured me for all of my adult life...and now she is woman of

76...and she is so sickeningly sweet to me, brushing my hair when i walk by,

kissing my cheek when i'm not looking, telling me how deeply she loves me...but

i remember when i was " dead to her " . i remember her hanging up the phone on me

for years when i needed my mother, telling people she didn't have a daughter.

>

>

> now,she's sweet and wants me, tells me she loves me more than anything in the

world...but when she didn't agree with me, she didn't love me and got rid of me.

>

>

> very confusing now, when she just acts like a sweet old lady.

> but my memory is clear and alive...and i remember when i was dead to her. that

was devastating.

>

>

> my skin crawls when she oozes her syrup sweet love all over me. it's in direct

contrast with her past treatment of my fragile and loving heart.

>

>

> amy

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

That's a great analogy, Annie. I am *so* that duck!

> >

> > my mom and i used to sing " You and Me Against the World " ...when the others

turn and walk away, you can count on me to stay...

> >

> >

> > but my mom turned away from me when i started to become more independent of

her...she abandoned me at 17 and continued until i broke up with the guy i was

in love with for 7 years. she took it personally that i had a life, was jealous

of my relationship with my boyfriend, and envied my athletic competitions. she

wanted to strip me of my accomplishments.

> >

> >

> > she emotionally tortured me for all of my adult life...and now she is woman

of 76...and she is so sickeningly sweet to me, brushing my hair when i walk by,

kissing my cheek when i'm not looking, telling me how deeply she loves me...but

i remember when i was " dead to her " . i remember her hanging up the phone on me

for years when i needed my mother, telling people she didn't have a daughter.

> >

> >

> > now,she's sweet and wants me, tells me she loves me more than anything in

the world...but when she didn't agree with me, she didn't love me and got rid of

me.

> >

> >

> > very confusing now, when she just acts like a sweet old lady.

> > but my memory is clear and alive...and i remember when i was dead to her.

that was devastating.

> >

> >

> > my skin crawls when she oozes her syrup sweet love all over me. it's in

direct contrast with her past treatment of my fragile and loving heart.

> >

> >

> > amy

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Annie, as usual, you know what you're talking about.

Yesterday, all of my 5 kids volunteered at the Special Olympics.

I sat and watched my kids helping other kids from 7am-3pm.

I enjoyed watching their unique personalities in dealing with kids who were

challenged.

I also enjoyed seeing 2 of my kids not having any interest in helping at all.

They are individuals, and we " allow " them to have their feelings, likes and

dislikes.

What struck me right to my heart...was that I was watching the parents and

families of these kids cheering them on and supporting them on this day. I

silently cried to myself...that a healthy, strong, talented girl like myself

could not beg hard enough for support...it never worked. My mom did not want to

see what I excelled at.

I almost reached olympic level figure skating with my boyfriend...i only wonder

what could have been had i not been crushed by my mom and her force against us

as a couple and pair team.

Watching these parents, smiling big, enthusiastic that their kids were involved

in such a great event, made me feel so insignificant. I found myself actually

jealous of this one young man whose parents were beaming. He was mentally and

physically challenged...and i was jealous of his support. That's sad.

In the here and now, today, in 2011, I can rationalize that, of course, i am not

jealous of this teenager. But in my heart of hearts, I was abandoned for no

reason...only that I had a beautiful mind and body of my own...and I used to

respectfully and honorably...but it wasn't good enough...because I was different

from her...plain and simple.

Thank you Annie,

I need a big hug on this day.

Amy

[Guest guest]

(((((Amy)))))

Big virtual hug!

Every child deserves to be wanted and loved. Every child deserves to have his

or her individuality encouraged so that his or her unique contributions can make

the world a better place. We, the children of the mentally ill did not receive

normal parental nurturing, and you're right: its just not fair, and its very

sad.

Its OK to mourn what you, what we, didn't have. But in spite of this, you have

gone on to do some pretty remarkable parenting in your own right. You are

giving to your children what you didn't receive yourself, and that's pretty

damned remarkable. I hope you can appreciate this: that you transcended the

negative and instead have made a very positive contribution, five times over!

I think that's all any of us can hope for: to leave something good and positive

that we created as our legacy, when we're gone.

-Annie

>

> Annie, as usual, you know what you're talking about.

>

>

> Yesterday, all of my 5 kids volunteered at the Special Olympics.

> I sat and watched my kids helping other kids from 7am-3pm.

> I enjoyed watching their unique personalities in dealing with kids who were

challenged.

> I also enjoyed seeing 2 of my kids not having any interest in helping at all.

> They are individuals, and we " allow " them to have their feelings, likes and

dislikes.

>

>

> What struck me right to my heart...was that I was watching the parents and

families of these kids cheering them on and supporting them on this day. I

silently cried to myself...that a healthy, strong, talented girl like myself

could not beg hard enough for support...it never worked. My mom did not want to

see what I excelled at.

>

>

> I almost reached olympic level figure skating with my boyfriend...i only

wonder what could have been had i not been crushed by my mom and her force

against us as a couple and pair team.

>

>

> Watching these parents, smiling big, enthusiastic that their kids were

involved in such a great event, made me feel so insignificant. I found myself

actually jealous of this one young man whose parents were beaming. He was

mentally and physically challenged...and i was jealous of his support. That's

sad.

>

>

> In the here and now, today, in 2011, I can rationalize that, of course, i am

not jealous of this teenager. But in my heart of hearts, I was abandoned for no

reason...only that I had a beautiful mind and body of my own...and I used to

respectfully and honorably...but it wasn't good enough...because I was different

from her...plain and simple.

>

>

> Thank you Annie,

> I need a big hug on this day.

>

>

> Amy

>

>

>

>

>

>