Tangled and a breakdown

April 13, 2011

I had a second breakdown in as many weeks, last night.

Also, last night I watched Tangled. It was a really good movie. And while the

nada in the movie was definitely BPD, it wasn't quite the BPD my dad has. Very

close, similar behaviors, but the nada sounds more like the nadas I hear about

on here, while my fada is more of an angry, yelling, belittling kind. But yes,

my fada always went on about how bad the world is out there. He used to threaten

me when I got in trouble about SOMETHING, anything, I-forget-what, and say if I

didn't like his rules, I could go live on the streets where men would rape me.

Or I could live at home and live under his rules. By gosh, that sounds just like

the nada in the movie...men with pointy teeth.

I thought of my siblings, and wondered if they watched " Tangled. " In some ways,

I hope so, and I imagine they would; it's a Disney Princess type movie. I hope

that they may eventually recognize the similarities, and break free when they

grow up.

I thought of my family--I wish I had parents like the King and the Queen. That

is, I wish that I could find out i was adopted or whisked away as a child, and

all I have to do is find my real parents. It hurt, because I don't have a mom

and a dad like that.

I thought of my husband. I'm sure fada would just love to have me divorce him or

come home crying that he was right all along and beg for forgiveness. He never

really liked DH. He liked him, but then when we got engaged, boy that probably

caused the disownment. Like how the nada in the movie feared losing Rapunzel

when she fell in love. Not because she's a daughter, not because she's growing

up, but because she didn't want to lose her posession. And geez, gives me new

perspective. Fada probably saw me as a sort of posession. And when he started

losing me, he cracked down, but that backfired 'cause I'm too stubborn to

apologize for something imaginary.

So, after the movie ended, I didn't recognize it at the time, but I must have

been on edge. Triggered, unknowingly. I knew from on here that Tangled is

triggering, so I thought I'd prepared myself accordingly. DH even knew, himself,

'cause I told him it was a triggering movie for so many of you on here.

Anyway, DH asked if we could make smoothies. I said, sorry, it's getting late, I

need to take a shower and go to bed, but he could make it himself. However, he

didn't really know how. So he was disappointed. Then I started reacting to that

disappointment, really sorry that I disappointed him....like how I would be on

edge and sad if I ever disappointed Fada. And I was bracing myself for verbal

retaliation/guilt-trips, and reacted, and then he reacted logically, but I

reacted even further like I was on eggshells. and it just mushroomed from there.

And I broke down crying because I felt so horrible, because he told me it felt

like he was having to walk on eggshells around me sometimes. Not all the time,

thank goodness, it's just when I'm like this--in a highly-triggerable

state--he's not sure what to do. Heck, I don't even know what to do.

DH deserves much better than to walk on eggshells. He shouldn't have to ever be

afraid of triggering me. And he felt bad because he said I shouldn't ever have

to be triggered, and that it was my fada that affected me so much that sometimes

I still react to people like I reacted to fada. even after I think it was 2

years of NC, I still act like I'm reacting to fada.

It's like the movie put me into a state I hadn't been in for a long time. And a

coworker is acting like a child at work, and I've been mildly triggered by it

but am managing to stay professional. Also, I think I was susceptible because my

parents disowned my grandma not long ago---so my siblings are up in that high

tower, not allowed to be free. Geez, what a perfect storm, right? (Not to

mention that my hormones are fluctuating, shall we say?)

DH, he's so wonderful--he said that he knew full well what he was getting into

when he married me--and wanted to marry me anyway. He also said that he's

insisting that I go back to counseling...but I'm afraid. A) I'm afraid that I

was only making up things, that the fault lies in me alone, and I'm afraid of

reliving memories. C) I'm afraid of recalling memories I've forgotten. I've

forgotten so much. I remember a fair bit, but I know there's more that I can't

remember.

When I recall memories, I can play it in my mind. But there are some memories

that I can't recall the specifics, but I can recall how I felt--the body memory,

if there is such thing. And it scares me. I don't want the memories coming up to

affect my job. And I'm afraid it will cause more breakdowns. But bottling things

up always leads to an explosion eventually, like last night. And it always leads

to nightmares or at least bad dreams.

thanks for reading, and thanks for being here. And if you have any practical

advice for handling counseling sessions, especially in case I start getting more

nightmares, so that it won't affect work, that would be awesome. I really don't

want to act triggered. I know things might get worse before it gets better with

counseling, and that scares me.

Holly

April 13, 2011

Hi

(((hugs))) for what you're feeling.

My main worrying with therapy is once the floodgates open I wont be able cope.

I'm just trying to trust the process will be worth it.

In the next few weeks I am going to put a request in if I can reduce my working

hours. I feel I need some more time and space to work thru this. Fingers crossed

it is accepted.

Hope you find whatever works for you

Nav

x

>

> I had a second breakdown in as many weeks, last night.

>

> Also, last night I watched Tangled. It was a really good movie. And while the

nada in the movie was definitely BPD, it wasn't quite the BPD my dad has. Very

close, similar behaviors, but the nada sounds more like the nadas I hear about

on here, while my fada is more of an angry, yelling, belittling kind. But yes,

my fada always went on about how bad the world is out there. He used to threaten

me when I got in trouble about SOMETHING, anything, I-forget-what, and say if I

didn't like his rules, I could go live on the streets where men would rape me.

Or I could live at home and live under his rules. By gosh, that sounds just like

the nada in the movie...men with pointy teeth.

>

> I thought of my siblings, and wondered if they watched " Tangled. " In some

ways, I hope so, and I imagine they would; it's a Disney Princess type movie. I

hope that they may eventually recognize the similarities, and break free when

they grow up.

>

> I thought of my family--I wish I had parents like the King and the Queen. That

is, I wish that I could find out i was adopted or whisked away as a child, and

all I have to do is find my real parents. It hurt, because I don't have a mom

and a dad like that.

>

> I thought of my husband. I'm sure fada would just love to have me divorce him

or come home crying that he was right all along and beg for forgiveness. He

never really liked DH. He liked him, but then when we got engaged, boy that

probably caused the disownment. Like how the nada in the movie feared losing

Rapunzel when she fell in love. Not because she's a daughter, not because she's

growing up, but because she didn't want to lose her posession. And geez, gives

me new perspective. Fada probably saw me as a sort of posession. And when he

started losing me, he cracked down, but that backfired 'cause I'm too stubborn

to apologize for something imaginary.

>

> So, after the movie ended, I didn't recognize it at the time, but I must have

been on edge. Triggered, unknowingly. I knew from on here that Tangled is

triggering, so I thought I'd prepared myself accordingly. DH even knew, himself,

'cause I told him it was a triggering movie for so many of you on here.

>

> Anyway, DH asked if we could make smoothies. I said, sorry, it's getting late,

I need to take a shower and go to bed, but he could make it himself. However, he