Guest guest Posted April 13, 2011 Report Share Posted April 13, 2011 Hi What do you do when your child does something that reminds you of nada and triggers you? My just turned 8 year old likes to have me sit by her bed til she falls asleep..sometimes an hour or more. It could be relaxing close time for both of us at the end of a long day..but... Nada used to make me or my middle brother stand by her bedside freezing and rubbing her hair or feet til 3 or 4 am. She would flick aimlessly til all the stations went off the air, and we kids had to face the wall so we wouldnt be distracted. When we would think she was asleep and try to tiptoe out to lay down she would wake and force us back... My dd's bedtime triggers me badly, sometimes I flash back. I get tense or snappy at her and she tenses up and gets upset and cant sleep making it worse. I try not to show it but am boiling inside I bring a cozy blanket and soft music and sometimes can handle it..it has so much potential for a pleasant time but brings so much anger and pain in me. I have explained to her that its not her, just mommy gets tired and cranky HELP! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 14, 2011 Report Share Posted April 14, 2011 , This kind of thing happens to me alllllll the time. The one thing I have been trying really hard to do, is make new, better memories for those triggers so that when I feel triggered negatively by something, I can remind myself of the good memory I had with my daughter and eventually the hope is that it will stop being a trigger and instead be a happy memory. So, like for instance if your daughter's bedtime triggers you, make something good out of her bed time. I think bringing a cozy blanket and soft music is a great idea but what I hear is that it doesnt really always work for you. So shake things up a little. Maybe you could do a sleepy time game. Totally a game for the imagination, but it requires that she close her eyes.. Like lay next to her or sit beside her bed -- however you do it and say something funny or cute you did for the day that didn't really happen, because it's a pretend game and go back and forth -- kinda like this: Mom: Close your eyes and imagine this is what I did today....Today I took a walk in the park and found a million dollars laying right on the ground. I saw a purple elephant with big yellow spots and he gave me a ride all the way around the park for hours and hours. Then we went to an ice cream shop and bought every kind they had and ate ice cream until we were so giggly that we couldn't eat any more. We played in the fountain and ran around playing tag. Then I met a green giraffe with red stripes and we laid in the grass and described things we saw in the sky until it was time for you to come home from school. Now it's her turn to desecribe a pretend day. My daugher is so funny and has such a great imagination....usually hers involve Bieber giving her an autograph, lol. My kids LOVE TO DO THIS and it gives them a chance to relax and have you there with them. Maybe the light mood will help you forget the bad memories. They get sleepy closing their eyes and they get to imagine and pretend what they did all day. Use your imagination and turn bed time into something relaxing and special for the two of you. I think she will remember those times forever. The good things you can do are limitless. I hope I helped in some small way with our experience! Trigger question Hi What do you do when your child does something that reminds you of nada and triggers you? My just turned 8 year old likes to have me sit by her bed til she falls asleep..sometimes an hour or more. It could be relaxing close time for both of us at the end of a long day..but... Nada used to make me or my middle brother stand by her bedside freezing and rubbing her hair or feet til 3 or 4 am. She would flick aimlessly til all the stations went off the air, and we kids had to face the wall so we wouldnt be distracted. When we would think she was asleep and try to tiptoe out to lay down she would wake and force us back... My dd's bedtime triggers me badly, sometimes I flash back. I get tense or snappy at her and she tenses up and gets upset and cant sleep making it worse. I try not to show it but am boiling inside I bring a cozy blanket and soft music and sometimes can handle it..it has so much potential for a pleasant time but brings so much anger and pain in me. I have explained to her that its not her, just mommy gets tired and cranky HELP! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 14, 2011 Report Share Posted April 14, 2011 So sad that your nada robbed you on another thing that you are just now realizing. Tell yourself though, that what is normal for a child, wanting mommy close to comfort them at bedtime, was the twisted behavioir of your mom. She made you kids the parents, and herself the child, and demanded , rather than gave, comfort. It was so unfair. But what your child wants is normal, and , as a parent whose kids are all grown, believe me, to be cherished. You might try some creative visualization. Before you go to put your little one to bed, imagine yourself as the child, being comforted as you fall asleep. Remind yourself that this is the sort of comfort you needed, and wanted, and now truly want to give. Imagine mom coming to the door as you are being comforted by a " real " mom and demanding to be the child, and take your place. Tell her no, this is not for you. You have to be the adult. She gets to be the child. Then let you as a child become your daughter in your visualization. Then go and comfort her and enjoy that time with her. Every time the vision of Nada comes to haunt you, tell her again, No, you must be the adult. Little ( daughter s name) gets to be the child now. It is her time. Good luck. Doug > > > , This kind of thing happens to me alllllll the time. The one thing I have been trying really hard to do, is make new, better memories for those triggers so that when I feel triggered negatively by something, I can remind myself of the good memory I had with my daughter and eventually the hope is that it will stop being a trigger and instead be a happy memory. > > So, like for instance if your daughter's bedtime triggers you, make something good out of her bed time. I think bringing a cozy blanket and soft music is a great idea but what I hear is that it doesnt really always work for you. So shake things up a little. Maybe you could do a sleepy time game. Totally a game for the imagination, but it requires that she close her eyes.. Like lay next to her or sit beside her bed -- however you do it and say something funny or cute you did for the day that didn't really happen, because it's a pretend game and go back and forth -- kinda like this: > > Mom: Close your eyes and imagine this is what I did today....Today I took a walk in the park and found a million dollars laying right on the ground. I saw a purple elephant with big yellow spots and he gave me a ride all the way around the park for hours and hours. Then we went to an ice cream shop and bought every kind they had and ate ice cream until we were so giggly that we couldn't eat any more. We played in the fountain and ran around playing tag. Then I met a green giraffe with red stripes and we laid in the grass and described things we saw in the sky until it was time for you to come home from school. > > Now it's her turn to desecribe a pretend day. My daugher is so funny and has such a great imagination....usually hers involve Bieber giving her an autograph, lol. > My kids LOVE TO DO THIS and it gives them a chance to relax and have you there with them. Maybe the light mood will help you forget the bad memories. They get sleepy closing their eyes and they get to imagine and pretend what they did all day. Use your imagination and turn bed time into something relaxing and special for the two of you. I think she will remember those times forever. > > The good things you can do are limitless. I hope I helped in some small way with our experience! > > > > > > > > > Trigger question > > > > > Hi > > What do you do when your child does something that reminds you of nada and triggers you? > > My just turned 8 year old likes to have me sit by her bed til she falls asleep..sometimes an hour or more. It could be relaxing close time for both of us at the end of a long day..but... > > Nada used to make me or my middle brother stand by her bedside freezing and rubbing her hair or feet til 3 or 4 am. She would flick aimlessly til all the stations went off the air, and we kids had to face the wall so we wouldnt be distracted. When we would think she was asleep and try to tiptoe out to lay down she would wake and force us back... > > My dd's bedtime triggers me badly, sometimes I flash back. I get tense or snappy at her and she tenses up and gets upset and cant sleep making it worse. I try not to show it but am boiling inside > > I bring a cozy blanket and soft music and sometimes can handle it..it has so much potential for a pleasant time but brings so much anger and pain in me. I have explained to her that its not her, just mommy gets tired and cranky > > HELP! > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 14, 2011 Report Share Posted April 14, 2011 Hi , I have a 9 year old daughter and she triggers me constantly. So I really relate to you. She also wants me to cuddle her every night before falling asleep and it triggers me to feel she is controlling me as she cries if I don't. Sometimes I just want to kiss her and give her a cuddle outside of bed and not have to lay there until she settles. I also know this is a nice time of the day that I will not have forever as she gets older. As a little girl the whole world revolves around her and I know this is normal. Being an only child she demands so much of my attention and when I am giving it to her she is happy but then when I ask her to do anything of a trivial chore she complains and it is a full on drama. So this triggers me because that is Nada behaviour. Nada is a waife and I was the mother figure so parenting my daughter sets of alarm bells big time. I try to talk myself through it but I am also scared of not setting any boundries with her as even though she is young she needs to learn I need my space too and can't give at her demands. If I don't I feel like I will be setting myself up for a life time of misery when I just escaped one. For me it is hard to know when to give her the attention and when she is being demanding of me and it is ok to say NO. Nada was like my child so it is understandable that my daughter will trigger me. I am sorry I don't have any answers for you but just wanted you to know that I have similiar problems withe parenting my daughter. Kazam x > > > , This kind of thing happens to me alllllll the time. The one thing I have been trying really hard to do, is make new, better memories for those triggers so that when I feel triggered negatively by something, I can remind myself of the good memory I had with my daughter and eventually the hope is that it will stop being a trigger and instead be a happy memory. > > So, like for instance if your daughter's bedtime triggers you, make something good out of her bed time. I think bringing a cozy blanket and soft music is a great idea but what I hear is that it doesnt really always work for you. So shake things up a little. Maybe you could do a sleepy time game. Totally a game for the imagination, but it requires that she close her eyes.. Like lay next to her or sit beside her bed -- however you do it and say something funny or cute you did for the day that didn't really happen, because it's a pretend game and go back and forth -- kinda like this: > > Mom: Close your eyes and imagine this is what I did today....Today I took a walk in the park and found a million dollars laying right on the ground. I saw a purple elephant with big yellow spots and he gave me a ride all the way around the park for hours and hours. Then we went to an ice cream shop and bought every kind they had and ate ice cream until we were so giggly that we couldn't eat any more. We played in the fountain and ran around playing tag. Then I met a green giraffe with red stripes and we laid in the grass and described things we saw in the sky until it was time for you to come home from school. > > Now it's her turn to desecribe a pretend day. My daugher is so funny and has such a great imagination....usually hers involve Bieber giving her an autograph, lol. > My kids LOVE TO DO THIS and it gives them a chance to relax and have you there with them. Maybe the light mood will help you forget the bad memories. They get sleepy closing their eyes and they get to imagine and pretend what they did all day. Use your imagination and turn bed time into something relaxing and special for the two of you. I think she will remember those times forever. > > The good things you can do are limitless. I hope I helped in some small way with our experience! > > > > > > > > > Trigger question > > > > > Hi > > What do you do when your child does something that reminds you of nada and triggers you? > > My just turned 8 year old likes to have me sit by her bed til she falls asleep..sometimes an hour or more. It could be relaxing close time for both of us at the end of a long day..but... > > Nada used to make me or my middle brother stand by her bedside freezing and rubbing her hair or feet til 3 or 4 am. She would flick aimlessly til all the stations went off the air, and we kids had to face the wall so we wouldnt be distracted. When we would think she was asleep and try to tiptoe out to lay down she would wake and force us back... > > My dd's bedtime triggers me badly, sometimes I flash back. I get tense or snappy at her and she tenses up and gets upset and cant sleep making it worse. I try not to show it but am boiling inside > > I bring a cozy blanket and soft music and sometimes can handle it..it has so much potential for a pleasant time but brings so much anger and pain in me. I have explained to her that its not her, just mommy gets tired and cranky > > HELP! > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 14, 2011 Report Share Posted April 14, 2011 I think its awesome that you and other KO mothers here *realize* that you are being triggered by these behaviors, and that you realize that you are being triggered by *normal childhood behaviors* in your child. In young children, these pleas and demands for your attention, reassurance, soothing, and comforting and closeness ARE NORMAL. These very same behaviors were ABNORMAL coming from your own mother and directed at you; that was *backwards*, highly inappropriate and even abusive for your own mother to treat you, a dependent child, as *her* parent. But you are breaking the cycle of abuse by being aware, by being empathetic, by transcending the abuse done to you inappropriately, and by NOT punishing your child for *being a child*. You guys rock, in my book! Big thumbs up of encouragement from me! -Annie > > > > > > , This kind of thing happens to me alllllll the time. The one thing I have been trying really hard to do, is make new, better memories for those triggers so that when I feel triggered negatively by something, I can remind myself of the good memory I had with my daughter and eventually the hope is that it will stop being a trigger and instead be a happy memory. > > > > So, like for instance if your daughter's bedtime triggers you, make something good out of her bed time. I think bringing a cozy blanket and soft music is a great idea but what I hear is that it doesnt really always work for you. So shake things up a little. Maybe you could do a sleepy time game. Totally a game for the imagination, but it requires that she close her eyes.. Like lay next to her or sit beside her bed -- however you do it and say something funny or cute you did for the day that didn't really happen, because it's a pretend game and go back and forth -- kinda like this: > > > > Mom: Close your eyes and imagine this is what I did today....Today I took a walk in the park and found a million dollars laying right on the ground. I saw a purple elephant with big yellow spots and he gave me a ride all the way around the park for hours and hours. Then we went to an ice cream shop and bought every kind they had and ate ice cream until we were so giggly that we couldn't eat any more. We played in the fountain and ran around playing tag. Then I met a green giraffe with red stripes and we laid in the grass and described things we saw in the sky until it was time for you to come home from school. > > > > Now it's her turn to desecribe a pretend day. My daugher is so funny and has such a great imagination....usually hers involve Bieber giving her an autograph, lol. > > My kids LOVE TO DO THIS and it gives them a chance to relax and have you there with them. Maybe the light mood will help you forget the bad memories. They get sleepy closing their eyes and they get to imagine and pretend what they did all day. Use your imagination and turn bed time into something relaxing and special for the two of you. I think she will remember those times forever. > > > > The good things you can do are limitless. I hope I helped in some small way with our experience! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Trigger question > > > > > > > > > > Hi > > > > What do you do when your child does something that reminds you of nada and triggers you? > > > > My just turned 8 year old likes to have me sit by her bed til she falls asleep..sometimes an hour or more. It could be relaxing close time for both of us at the end of a long day..but... > > > > Nada used to make me or my middle brother stand by her bedside freezing and rubbing her hair or feet til 3 or 4 am. She would flick aimlessly til all the stations went off the air, and we kids had to face the wall so we wouldnt be distracted. When we would think she was asleep and try to tiptoe out to lay down she would wake and force us back... > > > > My dd's bedtime triggers me badly, sometimes I flash back. I get tense or snappy at her and she tenses up and gets upset and cant sleep making it worse. I try not to show it but am boiling inside > > > > I bring a cozy blanket and soft music and sometimes can handle it..it has so much potential for a pleasant time but brings so much anger and pain in me. I have explained to her that its not her, just mommy gets tired and cranky > > > > HELP! > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 15, 2011 Report Share Posted April 15, 2011 thanks Annie Kazam x > > > > > > > > > , This kind of thing happens to me alllllll the time. The one thing I have been trying really hard to do, is make new, better memories for those triggers so that when I feel triggered negatively by something, I can remind myself of the good memory I had with my daughter and eventually the hope is that it will stop being a trigger and instead be a happy memory. > > > > > > So, like for instance if your daughter's bedtime triggers you, make something good out of her bed time. I think bringing a cozy blanket and soft music is a great idea but what I hear is that it doesnt really always work for you. So shake things up a little. Maybe you could do a sleepy time game. Totally a game for the imagination, but it requires that she close her eyes.. Like lay next to her or sit beside her bed -- however you do it and say something funny or cute you did for the day that didn't really happen, because it's a pretend game and go back and forth -- kinda like this: > > > > > > Mom: Close your eyes and imagine this is what I did today....Today I took a walk in the park and found a million dollars laying right on the ground. I saw a purple elephant with big yellow spots and he gave me a ride all the way around the park for hours and hours. Then we went to an ice cream shop and bought every kind they had and ate ice cream until we were so giggly that we couldn't eat any more. We played in the fountain and ran around playing tag. Then I met a green giraffe with red stripes and we laid in the grass and described things we saw in the sky until it was time for you to come home from school. > > > > > > Now it's her turn to desecribe a pretend day. My daugher is so funny and has such a great imagination....usually hers involve Bieber giving her an autograph, lol. > > > My kids LOVE TO DO THIS and it gives them a chance to relax and have you there with them. Maybe the light mood will help you forget the bad memories. They get sleepy closing their eyes and they get to imagine and pretend what they did all day. Use your imagination and turn bed time into something relaxing and special for the two of you. I think she will remember those times forever. > > > > > > The good things you can do are limitless. I hope I helped in some small way with our experience! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Trigger question > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Hi > > > > > > What do you do when your child does something that reminds you of nada and triggers you? > > > > > > My just turned 8 year old likes to have me sit by her bed til she falls asleep..sometimes an hour or more. It could be relaxing close time for both of us at the end of a long day..but... > > > > > > Nada used to make me or my middle brother stand by her bedside freezing and rubbing her hair or feet til 3 or 4 am. She would flick aimlessly til all the stations went off the air, and we kids had to face the wall so we wouldnt be distracted. When we would think she was asleep and try to tiptoe out to lay down she would wake and force us back... > > > > > > My dd's bedtime triggers me badly, sometimes I flash back. I get tense or snappy at her and she tenses up and gets upset and cant sleep making it worse. I try not to show it but am boiling inside > > > > > > I bring a cozy blanket and soft music and sometimes can handle it..it has so much potential for a pleasant time but brings so much anger and pain in me. I have explained to her that its not her, just mommy gets tired and cranky > > > > > > HELP! > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 16, 2011 Report Share Posted April 16, 2011 " I think its awesome that you and other KO mothers here *realize* that you are being triggered by these behaviors, and that you realize that you are being triggered by *normal childhood behaviors* in your child. > " ^ What she said. *standing ovation over here* --. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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