Daughter-In-Law of suspected BP

[Guest guest]

I am brand new to this group and to the whole concept of BP. I went to see a

therapist last week to try and understand why I always seem to create and be the

center of conflict in my husband's family. I've known for quite some time that

there is some serious dysfunction in that family but thought I should be more

understanding and tolerant. I expected the therapist to give me some tools for

dealing with conflict and tolerance. Instead, after I laid out the scenario and

some basic examples of how things work in that family (and have in the ten years

that I have been a part of it) she said that I was in a toxic situation and

recommended that I read " Stop Walking on Eggshells " .

Wow! What an eye opener. It all fits. Just a week in of realization, reading

and researching I am starting to understand the dynamics of this family and how

what i once thought was a 'close' family (even though no one seemed to like each

other much) is actually an enmeshed family. I see now that the whole family

dynamic is based on trying to placate a clearly BP Mother (my Mother In Law). I

see why my sister-in-Law is so needy and controlling and why my husband is such

a conflict avoider.

There seems to be two major rules in this family: 1. Follow all the rules (rules

that have been subconsciously designed to not upset the MIL) or there will be

conflict. 2. Conflict should be avoided at all costs. This is obviously an

impossible scenario for anyone who has not spent a lifetime perfecting it. As

an outsider, I have found it incredibly difficult. When my husband and I were

dating and early in our marriage I tried very hard to play the game. But a

couple of factors have led me to want to quit the game completely. Now that we

have 2 small children, my energy and patience, very understandably, goes to my

immediate family. Also, my In-laws recently divorced after a ten year long very

unhealthy, very co-dependent separation, which sent my MIL into a tailspin and

my SIL into overactive control / protection mode. Then came the holidays and a

cluster of family birthdays and the game became harder and harder to play. I

finally, vocally denied a guilt trip by my MIL at Christmas dinner, which

created an uproar and then soon after confronted my SIL for crossing some

obvious boundaries I set in regards to my own children. I was accused of

'attacking' them and 'kicking them while they're down'. Which is fine. I

really don't care what they think of me anymore.

I do, however, care very much about my marriage and am very upset about my

husband thinking that I am a trouble maker for speaking up. In his experience,

that is just not done and he doesn't see the necessity for speaking your mind

when being guilted or having your personal boundaries trampled. I am tired of

feeling like the instigator in all of this. I am sick of my husband accusing me

of being intolerant to his family. He knows that his mother is ill in some way

but just accepts that as being how things are. He does not see the issues his

sister has and the effects she has suffered from his mother and how difficult

she is as a result.

So, the question is - where do I go from here? I've talked with my husband a

bit about what the therapist told me, about the book I'm reading and what I

think might really be going on here but he is not convinced and says that 'all

families have their problems'. Ideally, I would love it if eventually the whole

family would acknowledge what's happening. I would love it if his mother could

get the help she really needs. I would love it if the whole family attended

some counseling to understand how living with BP has severely affected all of

them. And, yes, I would love it if they would acknowledge that I am not the

problem and I could cease being the scapegoat. But I know that if (big if) this

were all to ever happen, it would happen very slowly and be a very difficult and

painful process. How do I start with just simple steps - like getting my

husband to acknowledge that his family has issues that go way beyond what most

families face and that I cannot / will not play the game any longer? I won't

any longer allow my MIL to threaten suicide at my daughter's birthday parties.

I will no longer allow my MIL to cry and rage because we have to decided to

spend New Year's with friends out of town. I will no longer allow my SIL to go

behind my back and throw a birthday party for my son when he has already had two

of them (one of which she attended). I will no longer take the passive

aggressive silent treatment I receive when I don't do exactly what his family

wants.

If anyone has taken the time to read this and has experienced this situation

from a daughter or son-in-law point of view, I welcome any insight and / or

advice! My hearts go out to anyone who has experience with BP directly, either

as a child or a partner. As frustrated as I am with my husband and his

siblings, I now have more compassion for why and who they are.

Thanks to anyone who has listened! This has felt like a huge weight off my

chest and even if no one reads all of this, it has been a big relief just to

write!!

N.S.

[Guest guest]

Hello,

I have a nada myself (nada=not a mom) but I can tell you how my husband

handled the situation before we went NC (no contact).

Background: I knew that something was wrong and that my mother should not

treat me the way she did. I still felt responsible for trying to make her

happy and felt obligated to have a relationship with her. When I married my

husband and we later began to have children my nada's behavior became

increasingly worse. I should also mention that hubby and I have some BIG

issues we are workin gon but that this is a situation where I support his

handling of it 110%.

As nada's behavior became worse I had numerous talks with hubby about what

he thought we should do about her behaviors. He took the position that it

is my relationship with her and that he cannot tell me what to do. However,

he refused to accept her abuse if it was directed at him and he drew the

line at any harm coming to our daughter.

I tried to set boundaries and compromise for several years (both before and

after the birth of our daughter). It became clear that nada was not going

to respect our boundaries for the children or my boundaries for myself (she

never treated hubby poorly probably because she knew she would not get away

with it). My nada eventually resorted to threatening me that she would sue

for custody of my children (the younger daughter nada had never met). That

was when I decided that no amount of contact was safe for me or my

daughters.

I cannot say if this will work for you or what will happen. The safety

(both physical and emotional) of you and your children must come first

though. Hope this helps.

BB