Re: dealing with my teen daughter

[Guest guest]

Ok, I'm not a parent - so take this for what its worth and lets hope some

real parents chime in.

Teenagers developmentally HAVE to become less interested in family and more

interested in friends. Their friends become the world to them. It doesn't

last forever, but it happens to every single one of them. That said, you are

her mom. She might roll her eyes, but she truely is listening to you. I bet

deep down, disappointing you is one of her biggest fears. I work on

awareness campaigns to fight tobacco and other social issues. And we learn

that parents continue to be the authority. A parent expressing

disappointment or concern goes a hell of a long way. A lot of our campaigns

focus on trying to get parents to do just that.

And 2 - does she have other adults in her life? Another thing we learn is

that having a friend who is an adult and is a good influence can be the 2nd

most powerful factor in keeping kids from taking risky behavior. I don't

have kids of my own, but I am often that friend to my students and my

friend's kids. So if you can help facillitate a friendship with a cool,

responsible adult, you might be able to influence her from both sides - as

an parent and as a friend - by helping her pick good friends.

As for your own sense of abandonment, I would say it is totally totally

normal. I'd start by trying to reframe her behavior as a temporary aspect of

growing up, and a sign of the cool woman she is going to be in a few years.

I'd also do a lot of self care and invest in a hobby, a new friendship, an

interest - anything - that makes you feel good and soothes you.

I'd also reframe and focus on what an exciting time it is for your daughter.

That she needs her mom more than ever as she goes through the awkwardness of

early adolesence. I'd focus on how every year she becomes more of an

individual and you have a whole new experience of getting to know her as she

grows. That's one of the exciting things for me in working with kids. It is

so cool to see them get smarter and develop more individuality. Its also fun

to work with them as their skills and attention spans grow and they are able

to do more involved art projects. I am always so proud at that point. They

do seem to go through kind of a " dumb " phase in 8th/9th grade. Wow, I had

one teen boy stare at me for an hour with a toy duck in his mouth during a

training one time. And now, a few years later, he is graduating early and is

one of the most reliable kids I work with.

Did that help? I wish I were a real mom, I think they have better advice.

But that's my advice as an art teacher/pet therapy facillitator for 9 to 14

year old kids.

On Fri, Apr 15, 2011 at 7:36 AM, Fiona wrote:

>

>

> It's been hard for me lately to deal with my teen daughter. She's 13.

> She's really a great kid--very bright, funny, good at making and keeping

> friends (the reason I point that last one out is because I was and am not

> good at that).

>

> She's definitely going through that rolling the eyes/attitude thing. THAT

> part doesn't bother me so much. I get that. It's normal.

>

> The part that's hard for me is I feel like I'm losing her. I know part of

> adolescence is the whole individuation and separation thing, but it's easier

> to see it in black and white than it is to do it. You'd think I'd get this

> more easily b/c it's been my banner all my life... " I AM MY OWN PERSON. GIVE

> ME MY SPACE. BACK OFF. " But she and I have always been close, buddies. And

> now when I come home from work, she barely says hello, goes right into her

> room to text and aim and whatever.

>

> I just feel very rejected and insignificant in her life.

>

> The other part of it, that I feel very small about is, I feel jealous of

> her. The adolescent in me is jealous of how popular she is and how much more

> fun SHE'S having than I did at her age...and truth be told, than I'm having

> now. I suck. I just feel like crap being bitchy to her when she asks to go

> to a birthday party or a basketball game. I just feel my chest

> constricting... " she's leaving again. " And it feels like horrible BPD fleas

> of abandonment are crawling all over me. I need to get over this, I know

> that.

>

> I still do feel like there has to be a balance. She'd like nothing better

> than to do something with friends Fri nite/Sat nite/Sun nite. I'm insisting

> on family time, too. It's just too much, I feel. And then she's talking

> about how her friends are " dating " boys. At 13?? My fear is she expects this

> to be true for her as well. I just feel like a sentry trying to protect a

> castle.

>

> Again, thanks for listening. I'd ask a question but don't really know what

> I'm asking or if I'm asking anything.

>

> Fiona

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

You've done your Mama job well!

Exhale as you say the following:

THANK GOD SHE'S NORMAL!

Now inhale as you say the following:

THANK GOD I'M NORMAL!

She is doing exactlyf what she's supposed to be doing... finding her own

identity, pushing the boundaries, taking all of her 'life lessons' and making

choices for herself, deciding where she fits in the crowd, all of it. You have

raised her this way. She's not afraid to make friends, to live her 13 year old

life to the fullest... she's doing what she's supposed to do... fly!

You are also doing what you're supposed to do. Feel the sting a bit. Set

boundaries (boys, etc.) Keep a bit of family time intact (although I'd advise

against the Fri/Sat pm fight... how bout School Nights and one Fri OR Sat a

month)... you're still the parent and need to set boundaries (she'll hate them,

again NORMAL) but... you're still the parent ;o)

We went (are still going through) this in our house. It's all good. The reason

it feels so icky is that BPD parents act like adolescents. You're caught in the

middle and you don't know where to put your mixed feelings about what's normal

and what's BPD stuff. I've been there.

My therapist had me read up on adolescent development so that I could really

REALLY see what's what... it helped tremendously. Now I just notice that my

teen is moving through and out of these stages, and has long since left Nada in

the dust.

And yes, a bit of jealously is normal... but keep it to yourself ;o)

This will pass... let her fly (safely and within limits) and you will marvel at

what a healthy happy child you raised despite the icky of your childhood.

Redemption in their laughter. Release in their dancing.

Lynnette

>

> It's been hard for me lately to deal with my teen daughter. She's 13.

> She's really a great kid--very bright, funny, good at making and keeping

friends (the reason I point that last one out is because I was and am not good

at that).

>

> She's definitely going through that rolling the eyes/attitude thing. THAT part

doesn't bother me so much. I get that. It's normal.

>

> The part that's hard for me is I feel like I'm losing her. I know part of

adolescence is the whole individuation and separation thing, but it's easier to

see it in black and white than it is to do it. You'd think I'd get this more

easily b/c it's been my banner all my life... " I AM MY OWN PERSON. GIVE ME MY

SPACE. BACK OFF. " But she and I have always been close, buddies. And now when I

come home from work, she barely says hello, goes right into her room to text and

aim and whatever.

>

> I just feel very rejected and insignificant in her life.

>

> The other part of it, that I feel very small about is, I feel jealous of her.

The adolescent in me is jealous of how popular she is and how much more fun

SHE'S having than I did at her age...and truth be told, than I'm having now. I

suck. I just feel like crap being bitchy to her when she asks to go to a

birthday party or a basketball game. I just feel my chest constricting... " she's

leaving again. " And it feels like horrible BPD fleas of abandonment are crawling

all over me. I need to get over this, I know that.

>

> I still do feel like there has to be a balance. She'd like nothing better than

to do something with friends Fri nite/Sat nite/Sun nite. I'm insisting on

family time, too. It's just too much, I feel. And then she's talking about how

her friends are " dating " boys. At 13?? My fear is she expects this to be true

for her as well. I just feel like a sentry trying to protect a castle.

>

> Again, thanks for listening. I'd ask a question but don't really know what I'm

asking or if I'm asking anything.

>

> Fiona

>

[Guest guest]

Fiona,

I think what you're asking for is probably reassurance. I think

that much of what you're feeling is normal. From what I can

tell, most normal parents have feelings of loss when their

children reach the point of getting more independent. The

feeling of loss when children leave home gets called " empty nest

syndrome " but there are feelings of loss prior to that too as it

is clear that children are growing up and don't need their

parents as much. Feelings of rejection aren't uncommon either.

Remember, going through at least one period of separating

themselves from their parents is typical of teenagers. It is

part of growing up and learning to be independent. Naturally,

parents tend to feel rejected at that point. Her talk of dating

boys and wanting to go out on weekend nights also sounds

typical. Stand your ground and keep an age-appropriate set of

rules about what she can and can't do. Teenagers are known for

telling their parents that all their friends are allowed to do

various things that they aren't allowed to do. Being like a

sentry guarding a castle sounds to me like a good description of

what a parent should be. Sentries try to guard against attacks

while letting people who should be there into the castle. You

want to guard your daughter from danger while letting her grow

up and learn how to take care of herself.

Your jealousy is understandable too. Most of us were deprived in

various ways growing up and it can be hard to watch someone else

getting what you wanted and couldn't have. As long as you're

aware that it is an issue, you can work to minimize any negative

results. Parents aren't perfect. You're allowed to have a few

faults. It sounds like you're letting her do what it is

appropriate for her to do, even when you feel the fleas jumping

around as you do so. Keep up the good work!

At 09:36 AM 04/15/2011 Fiona wrote:

>It's been hard for me lately to deal with my teen daughter.

>She's 13.

>She's really a great kid--very bright, funny, good at making

>and keeping friends (the reason I point that last one out is

>because I was and am not good at that).

>

>She's definitely going through that rolling the eyes/attitude

>thing. THAT part doesn't bother me so much. I get that. It's

>normal.

>

>The part that's hard for me is I feel like I'm losing her. I

>know part of adolescence is the whole individuation and

>separation thing, but it's easier to see it in black and white

>than it is to do it. You'd think I'd get this more easily b/c

>it's been my banner all my life... " I AM MY OWN PERSON. GIVE ME

>MY SPACE. BACK OFF. " But she and I have always been close,

>buddies. And now when I come home from work, she barely says

>hello, goes right into her room to text and aim and whatever.

>-

>I just feel very rejected and insignificant in her life.

>

>The other part of it, that I feel very small about is, I feel

>jealous of her. The adolescent in me is jealous of how popular

>she is and how much more fun SHE'S having than I did at her

>age...and truth be told, than I'm having now. I suck. I just

>feel like crap being bitchy to her when she asks to go to a

>birthday party or a basketball game. I just feel my chest

>constricting... " she's leaving again. " And it feels like

>horrible BPD fleas of abandonment are crawling all over me. I

>need to get over this, I know that.

>

>I still do feel like there has to be a balance. She'd like

>nothing better than to do something with friends Fri nite/Sat

>nite/Sun nite. I'm insisting on family time, too. It's just

>too much, I feel. And then she's talking about how her friends

>are " dating " boys. At 13?? My fear is she expects this to be

>true for her as well. I just feel like a sentry trying to

>protect a castle.

>

>Again, thanks for listening. I'd ask a question but don't

>really know what I'm asking or if I'm asking anything.

--

Katrina