Guest guest Posted April 15, 2011 Report Share Posted April 15, 2011 Just received another note from nada's friend through facebook. Apparently nada is harassing her ex-boyfriend from high school via phone to the point that he's contacted the police. He is reaching out to our family and asking for our help. I recommended he get a lawyer to write a letter (thanks to all who talked about option this earlier) Called dad and passed along ex's number so they can chat. What else can we do? I've thought of taking away phone privileges and hospitalizing her but I see that as my dad's role, not mine... Feelings: frustrated, headache just increased, upset that I can't have a normal life, dreading conversation with DH who hates mom's out of control behavior (not that we all love it) and is upset that I am spending so much time learning about BPD and getting support to deal with BPD and not enough time with him, dreading conversation with brother whose dr believes he has ulcer due to worrying about mom, feel bad for dad-what an uncomfortable conversation to have with nada's ex and really, what can do he do to stop it? I want a drink, lol, but I try not to drink when I'm upset so that's out. Tired of being the parent when I don't have any kids. Why do I have to be the oldest child and the only daughter? I'm supposed to go to work but I think I need more sleep. Considering calling mom and just outing her friend and asking her what in the world is going on but I know I'll get lies and nothing good will come out of it. It'll probably make the situation worse and I run a good chance of ruining my relationship with her friend. Nada will certainly start harassing her next. Grr! Blah! Stupid illness. Bad nada for not making the effort to get the help she needs. If she doesn't care, why should I? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 15, 2011 Report Share Posted April 15, 2011 As Doug pointed out in an earlier post, sometimes a person with a problem (like an alcoholic or drug addict or person with a mental illness) has to hit rock-bottom before they will get the help they need. If your nada refuses to listen to reason and continues her disturbingly negative (even illegal) behaviors, then she will probably find herself the subject of a restraining order and/or standing in front of a judge on harassment charges. These extreme consequences may be the wake-up call she needs to get herself into treatment voluntarily. Or, it may wind up with your nada receiving a psych evaluation and treatment under involuntary conditions. But that appears to be the direction her actions are taking her in. I feel for you that your family/your brothers are making you feel guilty for not " fixing this " situation, as though you even *have* that power (Yeah, right; and I can fly like Tinkerbell too, wanna see?) and I'm sorry if you are making yourself feel guilty and/or responsible for something you have no control over. So... I think all you *can* do, unfortunately, is just ride this through. If a restraining order or an arrest is what it takes to get your nada a psychiatic evaluation and into treatment, then, that's what it takes. -Annie > > Just received another note from nada's friend through facebook. Apparently nada is harassing her ex-boyfriend from high school via phone to the point that he's contacted the police. He is reaching out to our family and asking for our help. I recommended he get a lawyer to write a letter (thanks to all who talked about option this earlier) Called dad and passed along ex's number so they can chat. What else can we do? I've thought of taking away phone privileges and hospitalizing her but I see that as my dad's role, not mine... > > Feelings: frustrated, headache just increased, upset that I can't have a normal life, dreading conversation with DH who hates mom's out of control behavior (not that we all love it) and is upset that I am spending so much time learning about BPD and getting support to deal with BPD and not enough time with him, dreading conversation with brother whose dr believes he has ulcer due to worrying about mom, feel bad for dad-what an uncomfortable conversation to have with nada's ex and really, what can do he do to stop it? I want a drink, lol, but I try not to drink when I'm upset so that's out. Tired of being the parent when I don't have any kids. Why do I have to be the oldest child and the only daughter? I'm supposed to go to work but I think I need more sleep. Considering calling mom and just outing her friend and asking her what in the world is going on but I know I'll get lies and nothing good will come out of it. It'll probably make the situation worse and I run a good chance of ruining my relationship with her friend. Nada will certainly start harassing her next. > > Grr! Blah! Stupid illness. Bad nada for not making the effort to get the help she needs. If she doesn't care, why should I? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 15, 2011 Report Share Posted April 15, 2011 I think telling the ex-boyfriend to have a send her a letter telling her to cease and desist is the right thing to do. You could also suggest that he talk to his phone service provider about whether your nada's number can be blocked from calling him. If he's talked to the police about it, they've probably already made appropriate suggestions for what to do. You can't make her stop harassing him. You can't hospital her. If she doesn't want to be hosptialized, the only way she's going to be hospitalized is if she'd declared either incompetent or a danger to herself or others. You could try to start proceedings to do that if you have evidence that it is true. Simply harassing someone with phone calls probably isn't enough for an involuntary commitment. If she's making threats when she calls that might be enough. You can't even take away her phone privileges unless you're the one paying for the phone. Remember, you are not responsible for her behavior. You can't fix it. If people try to put you in the middle, I recommend explaining that you believe she's mentally ill and that you can't change her behavior then telling them to use the legal system to try to protect themselves. The legal system can punish her and put limits on what she does, which you can't effectively do. At 11:24 AM 04/15/2011 bpdhope4us wrote: >Just received another note from nada's friend through >facebook. Apparently nada is harassing her ex-boyfriend from >high school via phone to the point that he's contacted the >police. He is reaching out to our family and asking for our >help. I recommended he get a lawyer to write a letter (thanks >to all who talked about option this earlier) Called dad and >passed along ex's number so they can chat. What else can >we do? I've thought of taking away phone privileges and >hospitalizing her but I see that as my dad's role, not mine... > >Feelings: frustrated, headache just increased, upset that I >can't have a normal life, dreading conversation with DH who >hates mom's out of control behavior (not that we all love it) >and is upset that I am spending so much time learning about BPD >and getting support to deal with BPD and not enough time with >him, dreading conversation with brother whose dr believes he >has ulcer due to worrying about mom, feel bad for dad-what an >uncomfortable conversation to have with nada's ex and really, >what can do he do to stop it? I want a drink, lol, but I try >not to drink when I'm upset so that's out. Tired of being the >parent when I don't have any kids. Why do I have to be the >oldest child and the only daughter? I'm supposed to go to work >but I think I need more sleep. Considering calling mom and >just outing her friend and asking her what in the world is >going on but I know I'll get lies and nothing good will come >out of it. It'll probably make the situation worse and I run a >good chance of ruining my relationship with her friend. Nada >will certainly start harassing her next. > >Grr! Blah! Stupid illness. Bad nada for not making the >effort to get the help she needs. If she doesn't care, why >should I? -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 15, 2011 Report Share Posted April 15, 2011 Annie and Katrina, Thank you for your feedback and insights. It helps to be able to talk about it. I think the ex did talk to his service provider. I believe we are moving in the direction of the law and hopefully it'll be a good start to setting boundaries with nada. I think you're right, my guilt and stress is self-imposed. I have been taught that women are caregivers and therefore it makes it my job to " fix' things. This is something that I need to let go. Sounds like it's time to go back to the T again... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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