powerless over other people, master only of myself: putting out nada's fires

April 16, 2011

I see resentments as being like live coals, that, when presented with easily

burnt fuel, can burst into flame in an instant.

I had a phone conversation with my nada the other day, and got to witness how

she systematically revealed her resentments and I could sense her " coals " still

had plenty of heat in them. I said thank you no, to each of them as they came

up. I tried to give none of them fuel.

But during the process, I was not sure I would make it through unscathed.

First she could have triggered me when she asked (after I shared that I was on a

deadline), " Oh are you still writing? " I put out that potential fire by saying,

without sarcasm, but in a neutral tone, " Of course. " Not, DUH. Not, what are

you talking about MOM, of course I am still writing! But she proceeded ahead

towards more potential hurt. Do I make any money at it? Well, I was neutral

there, too ( " Of course, mom. " She is on this thing about our minority dominated

schools, When she pointedly said, " but not enough money to send your son to

private school? " I changed the topic to the advantages of public school: You

know, Mom, our son would not be able to take orchestra at most private schools,

much less go on the great field trip he went on last weekend. " Was I ever

grateful for my mindfulness practice and my way of being aware and accepting

reality...BEFORE I act, as my recovery program in Al-anon teaches me.

Then she wanted me to travel down memory lane while she told me that she did not

like the family of my dear friend M. (who by the way died almost 3 years ago

now...). I cut that one off directly. Painful ground that my nada was not going

to navigate with an iota of compassion. (That alone could have pissed me off!)

Instead, I calmly asked her, " You know, I wonder what purpose that serves you to

continue to bring up issues like this again and again? Do you find a benefit in

going over the past like this? " I did not tell her how I did not like that. Of

course, she already KNOWS I would not like to hear that, so I am only itching an

itch that will never heal if I confront her. Nada wanted to continue her line of

complaint, but I really won't listen to that any more. So, I also shared that

because I was on deadline, and did not need distraction, I would need to end the

conversation shortly.

When can we talk again? she asked. " After Friday, when my deadline is past. "

Silence at her end. A thoughtful silence.

We got back onto something more productive... but not for too long. Next topic

was telling me that she did not like the fact that I spoke to my uncle when he

was dying, the summer before I lost my friend, M. I was sensing a new hot spot,

and again told nadar I would be needing to go. Say hi to dad, etc. But she

said, " listen. " So I decided to be spontaneous and attempt a listen. But I did

not really want to listen, so THAT did not go anywheres. Fire was doused with

water, because I did not react from anger... and I set a boundary when I was

unable to listen to her get negative on me. I asked her, gently, if she had

actually called to bring up this issue. She said no. The boundary was set and

she stopped herself from complaining about something I could do nothing about.

Had I not been able to set a boundary I would have gently hung up after saying

good-bye for now.

Then, my nada brought up the issue of whether I had been in touch with my

favorite aunt and what news I had of her. I told her she needed to talk to that

aunt herself, and that made her go off for a minute or two. Boundary set there,

and a bit more conversation that actually cleared up a misperception on her

part.

But by this point, we both knew she'd outstayed her welcome, so she stopped

harping on the unchangeable or trying to gossip. In closing, she mentioned my

other uncle, whose health is not very good right now. My nada implied that he

was dying and I should not give him a call, but pray for him, And this was the

end of our conversation, for I did not argue with her. I kept quiet, and did

not object. The last thing I want is a fight about the appropriateness of that

advice. After all, my uncle's wife likes hearing from me....I listened, sent

regards to my dad and we mutually agreed to end the conversation on her

" cautionary " note. but I did email my closest aunt to get a sense if this were

true, that my uncle is " on his death bed. " She is cautiously optimistic.

Later I realized, that the real truth is that my ailing uncle told my nada that

he never wanted to hear from her by phone again. He asked that she send email or

write a letter. And today I suspect that my nada was advising me of the same,

so she would not be alone. My uncle had set a boundary because he was very angry

with her.

That last fire (between my mom and her last surviving full brother) is not

something I want to even admit in the presence of my nada. I did not draw any

attention to it for I think it is hers to handle, and not mine to extinguish.

Plus I suspect that there is meaning in the fact that all the people my nada

wanted to talk about died or are in poor health. I did not want to have any

kind of fight around stories that are about loss, or the pain of grieving. I

don't want anger (especially with nada) to distract me from the poignant

memories of those I hold dear.

I noticed I am a lot less angry when I hear my nada bring up old business...

because I am not trying to change her anymore. I see her need to rehash old

business as her old fires of resentment. Ouch. ALL I need to do is step back

when I sense her moving in my direction, or sometimes, step forward to meet her

with my hands ready to stop her fists from making any contact with me. Instead

of thinking " she should not be doing this... " I accept that I am the adult. In

fact, this time I felt like I was a parent to both of us. And that, right

there, is anger-prevention. If I have anger come up, I put it on hold to look at

closely... by myself, later.... in much the same way of this email. Looks like

it still helps me to write these conversations out to see the progress I have

made. I believe I am learning to keep my resentments in my focus and to look at

my emotional responses (awareness, acceptance) as clues for right action.

Thanks for listening

Best,

" Your vision will become clear, only when you can look into your own heart. "

Carl Jung

April 16, 2011

Wow!!! Reading your post was for me like watching an episode of one of those

wild animal shows where the expert is demonstrating how to capture, say, a

large, angry cobra without getting bitten and without injuring the snake. My

heart was actually pounding with anxiety while reading how your nada kept trying

again, and again, and again to say ugly, hurtful things to you but you

skillfully dodged every attempt and kept control over the encounter! Whew!

In exactly the same way that I admire the awesome skill of the expert snake

handler, I truly admire *your* skill without having the slightest desire to

enter the snake pit myself and give it a try.

You have developed a magnificent skill set, girl! I am both impressed and happy

for you.

There is a saying by Nietzche (I think) that goes something like, " That which

does not kill us makes us stronger " , but I have never agreed with that. There

are some injuries/diseases that leave one permanently crippled, and yet alive.

So you get by in spite of the injury as best you can, and try to be as happy and

productive and as positive a force as you can, as best you can.

I guess I've been bitten too many times; I have lost the desire to even try

learning how to be a good " snake handler. "

But I genuinely admire those who do develop these skills, like yourself!

Kudos to you, and again... Wow!!

-Annie

>

> I see resentments as being like live coals, that, when presented with easily

burnt fuel, can burst into flame in an instant.

>

> I had a phone conversation with my nada the other day, and got to witness how

she systematically revealed her resentments and I could sense her " coals " still

had plenty of heat in them. I said thank you no, to each of them as they came

up. I tried to give none of them fuel.

>

> But during the process, I was not sure I would make it through unscathed.

> First she could have triggered me when she asked (after I shared that I was on

a deadline), " Oh are you still writing? " I put out that potential fire by

saying, without sarcasm, but in a neutral tone, " Of course. " Not, DUH. Not,

what are you talking about MOM, of course I am still writing! But she proceeded

ahead towards more potential hurt. Do I make any money at it? Well, I was

neutral there, too ( " Of course, mom. " She is on this thing about our minority

dominated schools, When she pointedly said, " but not enough money to send your

son to private school? " I changed the topic to the advantages of public school:

You know, Mom, our son would not be able to take orchestra at most private

schools, much less go on the great field trip he went on last weekend. " Was I

ever grateful for my mindfulness practice and my way of being aware and

accepting reality...BEFORE I act, as my recovery program in Al-anon teaches me.

>

> Then she wanted me to travel down memory lane while she told me that she did

not like the family of my dear friend M. (who by the way died almost 3 years ago