Ready to Start Over

[Guest guest]

My parents never were ones who thought anything was wrong, but looking back on

all the things in my life that have made me upset, hurt, broken, triggered, etc,

often go back to them. After years of therapy, my therapist and I finally came

to the conclusion that my dad probably has borderline. Home has always been

stressful, and mom has never done anything to stop the hurt that has been

happening for years. She often denies it has happened.

I am moving out in a few months and going to get a job about 300 miles away. My

biggest fear is that I will feel guilty for making this move, and that difficult

phone calls from home will just continue...I never will know if what I say is

right or wrong, and the fact I am " leaving " them (though I am a grown adult now)

is going to be very painful to them. Even though I will be leaving home, I am

scared I will not be able to detach myself from my parents and their harmful

behaviors.

Does anyone have advice on leaving behind old patterns of guilt and feeling like

you need to serve the needs of your bp parents? I would like this move to my new

job to be a fresh start for me, but it will be hard to carry the weight of my

past along...and I don't want to lose this opportunity to start over. How should

I handle difficult phone calls? How do I handle the times they visit, that often

trigger old memories and patterns of behaviors for me? How do I still love them

while trying to go on and start my own, healthy life?

Thanks so much

[Guest guest]

I think the first steps to leaving behind the old patterns of

guilt are to identify what you feel guilty about and then to

accept that you don't have any reason to feel guilty about it.

Our parents with BPD can be very good at making us feel guilty

for not giving in to their every whim and for not making the

choices they'd like us to make. When broken down into pieces and

examined, it becomes much more obvious that the guilt is not

reasonable. There's nothing wrong with moving 300 miles away

from your parents. You're an adult which means you get to make

your own choices in life. You get to do what is best for you.

They're adults too. That means their needs are their

responsibility, not yours. You don't mention anything about them

being disabled or otherwise unable to take care of themselves,

so there's presumably no reason they can't do so. So why should

you feel guilty for moving away from them?

As for the phone calls, whether or not you answer calls from

them is up to you. If you do answer the calls, whether or not

you continue the conversation is also up to you. YOU are the one

who controls whether you talk to them on the phone or not. YOU

can choose not to answer, or to hang up at any time. Where

that's concerned, they only have as much power over you as you

let them have. You need to set some boundaries and stick to

them. Decide what you are and aren't willing to put up with.

Then come up with a plan for what to do when they do things you

aren't willing to put up with. The goal is to protect yourself

from them, not necessarily to punish them or to make them

change. I refuse to let my nada be nasty to me or to bad-mouth

various people I care about to me. When she calls and starts

doing those things, I tell her I'm not going to talk about that

subject, whatever it is, and if she keeps trying to continue

talking about it, I end the conversation. If I have to I hang up

on her to end it. Over years of doing this, she has become

trained to behave noticably better but you can't count on that

happening. You may or may not be able to train your parents to

have civil conversations on the phone, but if you can't, at

least you can prevent yourself from having to listen to the

harmful and painful stuff. You might also choose to set limits

on how often you'll talk to them or on what hours of the day

you'll take phone calls. My nada used to call me at whatever

hour of the day or night she felt like calling. Since she often

worked second shift, that could be quite late. I stopped

answering calls from her that were at hours when reasonable

people are asleep. If she has a real emergency, she can leave a

message and I'll call her back right away. Otherwise it can wait

until after I've had a chance to sleep, get dressed, and eat

breakfast in the morning.

If you choose to let them visit you in your new home, figure out

what the ground rules are before they come. You don't have to

let them stay with you, or even allow them into your home at

all. If you don't want them there, they have no right to be

there unless they're paying your rent for you. If you do choose

to let them visit you, you have the right to choose whether or

not any given day is a good day for visiting. If you have other

plans, you have the right to say things like " Mom, dad, this

weekend isn't a good time " or " I'm working too many hours this

week, so now is not a good time for a visit " . Think about the

kind of behaviors that you want to avoid, and what actions on

their part tend to trigger those behaviors and come up with a

plan in advance about what you're going to do if they take those

actions. If you have plans made in advance, it is easier to

follow those plans then it is to figure out what to do while

you're under stress at the time your parents are visiting. Try

to be firm about not letting them walk all over you or treat you

like a child.

If you fail at standing up for yourself to start with, don't be

too hard on yourself. Learning to deal with this stuff isn't

something that happens all at once. Your relationship with them

will probably get worse, at least for a while, when you start

standing up for yourself. Nadas and fadas do not usually react

well to any attempt to escape from their abuse or to any

limitations on how they can treat you. You may have to limit how

much contact you have with them in order to give yourself room

to start your own life in your new location.

At 04:38 PM 04/16/2011 newlife9871 wrote:

>My parents never were ones who thought anything was wrong, but

>looking back on all the things in my life that have made me

>upset, hurt, broken, triggered, etc, often go back to them.

>After years of therapy, my therapist and I finally came to the

>conclusion that my dad probably has borderline. Home has always

>been stressful, and mom has never done anything to stop the

>hurt that has been happening for years. She often denies it has

>happened.

>

>I am moving out in a few months and going to get a job about

>300 miles away. My biggest fear is that I will feel guilty for

>making this move, and that difficult phone calls from home will

>just continue...I never will know if what I say is right or

>wrong, and the fact I am " leaving " them (though I am a grown

>adult now) is going to be very painful to them. Even though I

>will be leaving home, I am scared I will not be able to detach

>myself from my parents and their harmful behaviors.

>

>Does anyone have advice on leaving behind old patterns of guilt

>and feeling like you need to serve the needs of your bp

>parents? I would like this move to my new job to be a fresh

>start for me, but it will be hard to carry the weight of my

>past along...and I don't want to lose this opportunity to start

>over. How should I handle difficult phone calls? How do I

>handle the times they visit, that often trigger old memories

>and patterns of behaviors for me? How do I still love them

>while trying to go on and start my own, healthy life?

>

>Thanks so much

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Hi Katrina,

To me it is about having good support and taking good care of yourself. For me,

a support group is very helpful and also reading good books on dealing with

toxic parents. There are at least a dozen.

It is so important to know you are not the crazy one and that you do not have to

do this alone. Allow yourself to get a counsler and a support group. This seems

very difficult but getting away from them is the first step and will require

support. My opinion but YUCK, staying in a relationship with my BPD parent got

worse over time and not better.

At 30, you are doing all the right things, I am 50 and have just now started the

process of getting back to health. Don't doubt yourself,

support yourself and trust you know what is best for you.

> >My parents never were ones who thought anything was wrong, but

> >looking back on all the things in my life that have made me

> >upset, hurt, broken, triggered, etc, often go back to them.

> >After years of therapy, my therapist and I finally came to the

> >conclusion that my dad probably has borderline. Home has always

> >been stressful, and mom has never done anything to stop the

> >hurt that has been happening for years. She often denies it has

> >happened.

> >

> >I am moving out in a few months and going to get a job about

> >300 miles away. My biggest fear is that I will feel guilty for

> >making this move, and that difficult phone calls from home will

> >just continue...I never will know if what I say is right or

> >wrong, and the fact I am " leaving " them (though I am a grown

> >adult now) is going to be very painful to them. Even though I

> >will be leaving home, I am scared I will not be able to detach

> >myself from my parents and their harmful behaviors.

> >

> >Does anyone have advice on leaving behind old patterns of guilt

> >and feeling like you need to serve the needs of your bp

> >parents? I would like this move to my new job to be a fresh

> >start for me, but it will be hard to carry the weight of my

> >past along...and I don't want to lose this opportunity to start

> >over. How should I handle difficult phone calls? How do I

> >handle the times they visit, that often trigger old memories

> >and patterns of behaviors for me? How do I still love them

> >while trying to go on and start my own, healthy life?

> >

> >Thanks so much

>

> --

> Katrina

>

[Guest guest]

Wow thanks so much!

You are all so supportive and wonderful here. I never knew there would be such a

large community dealing with similar things I am going through! I guess that's a

good and a bad thing...

Anyway, I really appreciate the advice. I'm going to start setting limits, and

making sure that I plan ahead and know what I will put up with and what I won't.

For so long I have just been tolerating EVERYTHING. Now that I have the chance

to choose what I can and what I won't tolerate, I'm going to take advantage of

that opportunity.

Does anyone know of a listing of support groups for KO's? How did you find the

right support group? I think they can be really important.

Hang in there everyone!

> > >My parents never were ones who thought anything was wrong, but

> > >looking back on all the things in my life that have made me

> > >upset, hurt, broken, triggered, etc, often go back to them.

> > >After years of therapy, my therapist and I finally came to the

> > >conclusion that my dad probably has borderline. Home has always

> > >been stressful, and mom has never done anything to stop the

> > >hurt that has been happening for years. She often denies it has

> > >happened.

> > >

> > >I am moving out in a few months and going to get a job about

> > >300 miles away. My biggest fear is that I will feel guilty for

> > >making this move, and that difficult phone calls from home will

> > >just continue...I never will know if what I say is right or

> > >wrong, and the fact I am " leaving " them (though I am a grown

> > >adult now) is going to be very painful to them. Even though I

> > >will be leaving home, I am scared I will not be able to detach

> > >myself from my parents and their harmful behaviors.

> > >

> > >Does anyone have advice on leaving behind old patterns of guilt

> > >and feeling like you need to serve the needs of your bp

> > >parents? I would like this move to my new job to be a fresh

> > >start for me, but it will be hard to carry the weight of my

> > >past along...and I don't want to lose this opportunity to start

> > >over. How should I handle difficult phone calls? How do I

> > >handle the times they visit, that often trigger old memories

> > >and patterns of behaviors for me? How do I still love them

> > >while trying to go on and start my own, healthy life?

> > >

> > >Thanks so much

> >

> > --

> > Katrina

> >

>