Re: Issues being a mother (to girls)

[Guest guest]

I want to be completely honest here and say that I had the most problems in the

beginning parenting my daughter. We adopted her when she was 2. I had a 4 year

old biological son and we also adopted my 12 week old son at the same time. I

hope that wasn't confusing.

I was able to keep most of my " issues " within and not show her, but I know kids

pick up on emotion. When she did something wrong, I would get more upset with

her than I would if it were one of the boys. I worked endlessly with my

therapist and she even had my daughter come to therapy with me and helped me

work through the issues (she specializes in foster/adoption).

My daughter was 2, so it wasn't like she truly understood what was going on in

therapy, but my daughter is a very needy child (still is actually) and I'd get

aggravated sometimes because every time I moved, she wanted to be hanging on me,

rubbing my arms, telling me she loved me. My mother never really even touched me

in a loving way. It took me some time to overcome this and I'd say she was

close to 5 (she's 10 now) before I truly felt like I parented her well. In the

beginning I had to force myself to spend time with her, cuddle with her, and

make a conscious effort and choice not to differentiate between her and the

boys.

I'm going to be frank here....it took work. A lot of work, but as of today, my

daughter has no abnormal issues (I mean outside of normal girl pre-teen stuff)

and I feel like we're close as a mother and daughter should be and have a normal

relationship. She has turned into a beautiful girl with a very kind heart. I am

proud her for her accomplishments because she works really hard in school and

other areas. She is also very artistic so we're fostering that within her.

If I could go back now and feel the way I do now, I would love to send her back

to 2 years old and redo some things. But then again, not only did I grow in the

process and my therapist helped me (and still does) with parenting, but I also

realized how the abuse I experienced from my BPD mother truly damaged me and I

didn't want to carry on that cycle.

All this to say, I think it would be good to be in therapy before you have

children and discuss these issues. It's what saved me. My issues weren't that

I totally went ballistic on them, but that I would feel so much guilt if I

disciplined them so therefore there was no discipline at all. I found that

natural/positive parenting worked for me. They have discipline, but their

consequences are natural instead of punitive.

Issues being a mother

My husband and I have been trying to have children of our own for about 3 years.

I have read several books, taken basal body temperatures, quite drinking alcohol

and caffeine, taken folic acid pills, eat tons of spinach, have done

accupuncture and have even gone to a healer in Mexico. But nothing. As some of

you may know, it can be quite stressful.

Because of the stress, We have decided to take time off from trying for a while

and just enjoy each other. In the meantime, I am enjoying my two adorable

nieces, who are 3 and 1 (and a daily reminder of what I don't have). The other

day, my sister in law asked me to watch them overnight. As I tried to discipline

them and put them to sleep, i noticed severe anxiety over it. As a child, my

nada basically forced me to go to sleep in her bed (to create a codependency,

obviously). I hated it. So when my sis in law tells me that her kids cannot

sleep alone and have to sleep with me, I have a severe issues with it that is

makes me angry for a couple of days afterwards. Also, I hate disciplining them

because I was SEVERLY disciplined as a child, often humiliated. When my nieces

do normal kid stuff like write on walls or fail to share their toys, I go beserk

and get super angry. ANd I hate that. i have absolutely zero tolerance for

misbehaved children, but hate it that I am like tha t.

Anyone else have issues with being a mother? I never even knew that this existed

inside of me until it came out.

AJ

[Guest guest]

AJ, thanks for posting this.

I think this is the real reason why I want to have boys. This has actually been

on my mind lately. It's not because of all the other reasons I tell people.

It's really because the relationship between my mom and I was horrendous.

I also had feared that I would severely punish my children, like I had been. I

have watched my reactions around my nieces and nephews. I don't find that I

have been overly harsh, but about average in my discipline of them. I think my

view that kids are going to do some " kid stuff " probably mutes me a little. I

was not allowed to be a kid, AJ. It's important to me to let all the children I

have any influence over, be kids for as long as they can/should.

I agree that therapy will be good. I plan to follow that recommendation myself

when the time comes.

I wish you luck and wellness. This topic spoke to my recent feelings on having

girls......ewwww! :-D

Latasha

[Guest guest]

I, too, found it very easy to mother my son and very difficult to give to my

daughter. TG for therapy! I think it has something to do with feeling we deserve

love, empathy, comfort--we identify with our girls as a young version of

'ourselves'

I know there were times when I just missed the mark with my daughter, times I

had to turn away. I regret those more than anything. I am not perfect, I made

mistakes. I try to talk openly with my daughter about all those feelings now.

Hopefully in the talking she not only forgives me, but will further break the

chain when she has children.

>

> AJ, thanks for posting this.

>

> I think this is the real reason why I want to have boys. This has actually

been on my mind lately. It's not because of all the other reasons I tell

people. It's really because the relationship between my mom and I was

horrendous.

>

> I also had feared that I would severely punish my children, like I had been.

I have watched my reactions around my nieces and nephews. I don't find that I

have been overly harsh, but about average in my discipline of them. I think my

view that kids are going to do some " kid stuff " probably mutes me a little. I

was not allowed to be a kid, AJ. It's important to me to let all the children I

have any influence over, be kids for as long as they can/should.

>

> I agree that therapy will be good. I plan to follow that recommendation

myself when the time comes.

>

> I wish you luck and wellness. This topic spoke to my recent feelings on

having girls......ewwww! :-D

>

> Latasha

>

[Guest guest]

Me too. And mommy-guilt is the worst!! I have missed the mark many times in

the past with my daughter. Too many, I'm afraid, but I have chosen to get myself

into therapy and get my issues resolved so I can be sure I'm breaking the cycle.

My therapist always tells me I am too hard on myself when it comes to parenting,

but I really want to do the right thing. I always have an image in the back of

my mind of my daughter sitting in therapy as an adult because of something I did

or didn't do.

Re: Issues being a mother (to girls)

I, too, found it very easy to mother my son and very difficult to give to my

daughter. TG for therapy! I think it has something to do with feeling we deserve

love, empathy, comfort--we identify with our girls as a young version of

'ourselves'

I know there were times when I just missed the mark with my daughter, times I

had to turn away. I regret those more than anything. I am not perfect, I made

mistakes. I try to talk openly with my daughter about all those feelings now.

Hopefully in the talking she not only forgives me, but will further break the

chain when she has children.

>

> AJ, thanks for posting this.

>

> I think this is the real reason why I want to have boys. This has actually

been on my mind lately. It's not because of all the other reasons I tell people.

It's really because the relationship between my mom and I was horrendous.

>

> I also had feared that I would severely punish my children, like I had been. I

have watched my reactions around my nieces and nephews. I don't find that I have

been overly harsh, but about average in my discipline of them. I think my view

that kids are going to do some " kid stuff " probably mutes me a little. I was not

allowed to be a kid, AJ. It's important to me to let all the children I have any

influence over, be kids for as long as they can/should.

>

> I agree that therapy will be good. I plan to follow that recommendation myself

when the time comes.

>

> I wish you luck and wellness. This topic spoke to my recent feelings on having

girls......ewwww! :-D

>

> Latasha

>