need advice on whether to buy childrens' books for & RESCUE nieces (rather long)

[Guest guest]

Hi friends,

I need some advice. I have a RC relationship with the FOO, and I did visit one

time in the last five years, mainly to see my nieces that I had not met

previously. My sibling, their parent, has a close, from what I can see,

enmeshed, relationship with nada and " father " , who are still married.

Of course, I was always the bad one. I have been growing in a lot of strength,

and I was able to visit for a few hours about half a year ago, and outwardly

maintain calmness and strength.

There have been a lot of inner struggles, and emotional battles within me around

all of this. One inner struggle I have is the wish to rescue the small,

innocent children, my nieces. I used to be really confrontatonal with " father "

in calls, and criticize my sibling's parenting whenever he would say anything

about that whole branch of the FOO. I know this was unpleasant for " Father " but

my thoughts and feelings were along the line of, oh my god! the abuse is being

repeated in another generation!!! I feel angry, frustrated, and I just want to

rush in and rescue. If I could, I would just go in and tell everyone how these

kids should be parented. From what I can tell, they are really messing up these

kids. My sibling is divorced, the ex is a mess, and my sibling is so enmeshed

she basically lives with nada. The children are there almost all the time. I

don't see how any of this can be any good. And I would spend a lot of my

precious time and energy getting angry and frustrated about it. And thinking of

strategies, how I could influence any of this (number one strategy was to talk

with " Father " who is grandfather to my nieces, on the phone and criticize and

yell and get upset etc).

When I talk with my friends, they have banal outsider suggestions like " oh

grandparents are always really different with grandchildren than they are with

their own children, it will be all right " . Does anyone know whether nadas are

as abusive as grandnadas? Or is this person right, will nada treat her

grandchildren differently than she treated her children? To me , it seems like

her grandchildren have replaced her children, which is where my concern comes

from!

Another comment a friend made was to send the kids greeting cards throughout the

year, just cards that say " I'm thinking of you " etc. I have been doing this,

and sometimes they are received with a flourish. I can tell it is at times that

nada has me split well: at those times, I will receive a really formal thank you

card from my sibling, thank you for the gifts, thank you for the cards.

(Nothing about how we haven't spoken in over twenty years, nothing normal

between us, but whatever.) I'm writing the cards for the innocent and dependent

children; I've given up on my sibling ever having a relationship with me because

I understand she is still so enmeshed that she doesn't exist. I have done a lot

of work over years to extricate myself, and I know she doesn't even have

awareness that anything is wrong at all. So I just let that part go, although

that took me years to achieve, to let go any hope or expectation of ever having

any meaningful relationship with my sibling.

Sometimes I send cards and I don't get a response, so I wonder if the children

receive them at all. In a BP FOO, who knows? One never knows what might

happen.... I suspect nada intercepted my mail when I was small, because someone

must have thrown away letters from people who were reaching to me from the

outside, because years later they told me about piles of letters... that I never

got. This would make sense in terms of nada's fear of abandonment...

So, I also am recognizing that criticizing my sibling's parenting is pointless,

this would be true in any family, even one without a resident BPD person. So, I

have let up on that. That took me a while to learn. I had to let go of some of

my anger and pain and expectations for change. That is really hard, it's like

radical acceptance of what is. And that's hard sometimes. It's actually still

painful for me to think and write that things will never be different. It

hurts. But, I understand this emotion is something for me to keep to myself,

and not unleash on the FOO, however worthy my criticism is. My poor " Father " is

also in the role of having everyone yell at him and he has no emotional

intelligence whatsoever. I don't want to add to his burden any more, he is old!

(Obviously, as you all know, this is within the framework of having completely

mixed feelings about someone who was both my saviour from abuse and complicit in

the abuse... ) So, I am accepting that there is little I can do to change their

style of parenting/grandparenting.

Another friend said that I should stop worrying about those kids, my nieces,

because they have their own path in life, and to want to rescue is this fantasy

I have because I wish someone had rescued me as a kid. I wonder if I need to

let something go here, along these lines. Some desire to change the world, to

rescue people, to be a do-gooder. People who have suffered abuse often spend

their time rescuing others, and I know I do my fair share of that each week!

So, all of this, because I want to send the girls some childrens' books that

discuss some of the emotional issues I see, including An Umbrella For which

is about BPD (I learned about it on here). Would this be completely

inappropriate and overstepping my boundaries? Or would the books be so

offensive they would throw them away? Or would it be a good move, that would

help the girls have their emotions acknowledged and give them a vocabulary to

speak about their experiences? I really really really want to send these books

to them, I have selected some books that exactly speak to the situation. I know

I would have loved those books as a child, because I would have been exposed to

the word " Borderline " at a much earlier age. In my fantasy world of sending

these books, my sibling would read them out loud to the children, and she too

would have some lightbulb moments and I could rescue and free her too! (This

hurts to write.) Do you think that in my FOO, since everything is so hectic and

everyone is so disconnected from reality, they would maybe not even notice that

the topics of the books are about the dynamics there?

So, given all that background, my main question is, do I buy and mail the books?

Thanks for reading all of that, and thanks for any insights and clarity as to

what might be my appropriate role/actions. etc.

Hugs,

Walkingto Happiness.

[Guest guest]

Just my two cents' worth, but, in my opinion the most you can do for your nieces

that will really make a difference in their lives is to spend as much time with

them as possible, hopefully away from their grandnada and nada. Get to really

know each of these nieces as individuals; learn what they think about, what they

feel. Let them know that you think they are good kids, and that you actually

like them and like being around them.

That will mean a great deal to them: that a sane, healthy adult actually thinks

they're pretty nice kids and likes them and wants to spend time with them and

TALK to them and LISTEN to them, and that their grown up cousin BELIEVES in

their value as human beings and believes in their potential.

That will have a greater impact than a book.

CAVEAT: However, if your nieces are being physically abused in *any* way, if

they're being neglected in any way, and/or if they're being exploited in any way

or if they're being sexually abused, etc., then its a different matter and you

need to get child protective services involved.

If they're being emotionally abused by any of the adults who are " caring " for

them, that's bad, but that's something you can counteract by spending time with

them and generally letting them know that you believe in them, you believe that

they are good kids and you think they are going to do just fine in life.

In other words, give them the nurturing, emotional support, validation and hope

that they're probably not getting at home.

IF you wind up alienating your sister and/or your nada then that will probably

result in them cutting off access to your nieces. That is counterproductive, in

my opinion.

The idea is to spend time with the children so you can be a good, positive

influence on them and on their self-esteem.

I've read that if a child has only ONE mentally healthy, rational, kind adult

take an interest in her/him enough to spend time with the child, that THAT can

have a big positive impact on the child's self-esteem, which can then boost the

child's resilience to emotional damage they're receiving at home.

-Annie

>

> Hi friends,

>

> I need some advice. I have a RC relationship with the FOO, and I did visit

one time in the last five years, mainly to see my nieces that I had not met

previously. My sibling, their parent, has a close, from what I can see,

enmeshed, relationship with nada and " father " , who are still married.

>

> Of course, I was always the bad one. I have been growing in a lot of

strength, and I was able to visit for a few hours about half a year ago, and

outwardly maintain calmness and strength.

>

> There have been a lot of inner struggles, and emotional battles within me

around all of this. One inner struggle I have is the wish to rescue the small,

innocent children, my nieces. I used to be really confrontatonal with " father "

in calls, and criticize my sibling's parenting whenever he would say anything

about that whole branch of the FOO. I know this was unpleasant for " Father " but

my thoughts and feelings were along the line of, oh my god! the abuse is being

repeated in another generation!!! I feel angry, frustrated, and I just want to

rush in and rescue. If I could, I would just go in and tell everyone how these

kids should be parented. From what I can tell, they are really messing up these

kids. My sibling is divorced, the ex is a mess, and my sibling is so enmeshed

she basically lives with nada. The children are there almost all the time. I

don't see how any of this can be any good. And I would spend a lot of my

precious time and energy getting angry and frustrated about it. And thinking of

strategies, how I could influence any of this (number one strategy was to talk

with " Father " who is grandfather to my nieces, on the phone and criticize and

yell and get upset etc).

>

> When I talk with my friends, they have banal outsider suggestions like " oh

grandparents are always really different with grandchildren than they are with

their own children, it will be all right " . Does anyone know whether nadas are

as abusive as grandnadas? Or is this person right, will nada treat her

grandchildren differently than she treated her children? To me , it seems like

her grandchildren have replaced her children, which is where my concern comes

from!

>

> Another comment a friend made was to send the kids greeting cards throughout

the year, just cards that say " I'm thinking of you " etc. I have been doing

this, and sometimes they are received with a flourish. I can tell it is at

times that nada has me split well: at those times, I will receive a really

formal thank you card from my sibling, thank you for the gifts, thank you for

the cards. (Nothing about how we haven't spoken in over twenty years, nothing

normal between us, but whatever.) I'm writing the cards for the innocent and

dependent children; I've given up on my sibling ever having a relationship with

me because I understand she is still so enmeshed that she doesn't exist. I have

done a lot of work over years to extricate myself, and I know she doesn't even

have awareness that anything is wrong at all. So I just let that part go,

although that took me years to achieve, to let go any hope or expectation of

ever having any meaningful relationship with my sibling.

>

> Sometimes I send cards and I don't get a response, so I wonder if the children

receive them at all. In a BP FOO, who knows? One never knows what might

happen.... I suspect nada intercepted my mail when I was small, because someone

must have thrown away letters from people who were reaching to me from the

outside, because years later they told me about piles of letters... that I never

got. This would make sense in terms of nada's fear of abandonment...

>

> So, I also am recognizing that criticizing my sibling's parenting is

pointless, this would be true in any family, even one without a resident BPD

person. So, I have let up on that. That took me a while to learn. I had to

let go of some of my anger and pain and expectations for change. That is really

hard, it's like radical acceptance of what is. And that's hard sometimes. It's

actually still painful for me to think and write that things will never be

different. It hurts. But, I understand this emotion is something for me to

keep to myself, and not unleash on the FOO, however worthy my criticism is. My

poor " Father " is also in the role of having everyone yell at him and he has no

emotional intelligence whatsoever. I don't want to add to his burden any more,

he is old! (Obviously, as you all know, this is within the framework of having

completely mixed feelings about someone who was both my saviour from abuse and

complicit in the abuse... ) So, I am accepting that there is little I can do to

change their style of parenting/grandparenting.

>

> Another friend said that I should stop worrying about those kids, my nieces,

because they have their own path in life, and to want to rescue is this fantasy

I have because I wish someone had rescued me as a kid. I wonder if I need to

let something go here, along these lines. Some desire to change the world, to

rescue people, to be a do-gooder. People who have suffered abuse often spend

their time rescuing others, and I know I do my fair share of that each week!

>

> So, all of this, because I want to send the girls some childrens' books that

discuss some of the emotional issues I see, including An Umbrella For which

is about BPD (I learned about it on here). Would this be completely

inappropriate and overstepping my boundaries? Or would the books be so

offensive they would throw them away? Or would it be a good move, that would

help the girls have their emotions acknowledged and give them a vocabulary to

speak about their experiences? I really really really want to send these books

to them, I have selected some books that exactly speak to the situation. I know

I would have loved those books as a child, because I would have been exposed to

the word " Borderline " at a much earlier age. In my fantasy world of sending

these books, my sibling would read them out loud to the children, and she too

would have some lightbulb moments and I could rescue and free her too! (This

hurts to write.) Do you think that in my FOO, since everything is so hectic and

everyone is so disconnected from reality, they would maybe not even notice that

the topics of the books are about the dynamics there?

>

> So, given all that background, my main question is, do I buy and mail the

books?

>

> Thanks for reading all of that, and thanks for any insights and clarity as to

what might be my appropriate role/actions. etc.

>

> Hugs,

> Walkingto Happiness.

>

[Guest guest]

One of those tough questions. Short answer is no, don t do it.

Longer answer, first, I agree with Annies comment. Second, until or

unless the " system " recognizes BP as a danger to children, nothing we

can do about it really. Sending books to a child to help them deal with

a problem that the FOO doesnt acknowledge will not be well received, and

in the long run perhaps loses you the ability to have a relationship

with them at all. Be part of their lives. Someday, perhaps, you ll be

helping them to cope with all the BS they ve lived with.

We KO s DO have the rescue gene, though, don t we.

Doug

>

> Hi friends,

>

> I need some advice. I have a RC relationship with the FOO, and I did

visit one time in the last five years, mainly to see my nieces that I

had not met previously. My sibling, their parent, has a close, from what

I can see, enmeshed, relationship with nada and " father " , who are still

married.

>

> Of course, I was always the bad one. I have been growing in a lot of

strength, and I was able to visit for a few hours about half a year ago,

and outwardly maintain calmness and strength.

>

> There have been a lot of inner struggles, and emotional battles within

me around all of this. One inner struggle I have is the wish to rescue

the small, innocent children, my nieces. I used to be really

confrontatonal with " father " in calls, and criticize my sibling's

parenting whenever he would say anything about that whole branch of the

FOO. I know this was unpleasant for " Father " but my thoughts and

feelings were along the line of, oh my god! the abuse is being repeated

in another generation!!! I feel angry, frustrated, and I just want to

rush in and rescue. If I could, I would just go in and tell everyone how

these kids should be parented. From what I can tell, they are really

messing up these kids. My sibling is divorced, the ex is a mess, and my

sibling is so enmeshed she basically lives with nada. The children are

there almost all the time. I don't see how any of this can be any good.

And I would spend a lot of my precious time and energy getting angry and

frustrated about it. And thinking of strategies, how I could influence

any of this (number one strategy was to talk with " Father " who is

grandfather to my nieces, on the phone and criticize and yell and get

upset etc).

>

> When I talk with my friends, they have banal outsider suggestions like

" oh grandparents are always really different with grandchildren than

they are with their own children, it will be all right " . Does anyone

know whether nadas are as abusive as grandnadas? Or is this person

right, will nada treat her grandchildren differently than she treated

her children? To me , it seems like her grandchildren have replaced her

children, which is where my concern comes from!

>

> Another comment a friend made was to send the kids greeting cards

throughout the year, just cards that say " I'm thinking of you " etc. I

have been doing this, and sometimes they are received with a flourish. I

can tell it is at times that nada has me split well: at those times, I

will receive a really formal thank you card from my sibling, thank you

for the gifts, thank you for the cards. (Nothing about how we haven't

spoken in over twenty years, nothing normal between us, but whatever.)

I'm writing the cards for the innocent and dependent children; I've

given up on my sibling ever having a relationship with me because I

understand she is still so enmeshed that she doesn't exist. I have done

a lot of work over years to extricate myself, and I know she doesn't

even have awareness that anything is wrong at all. So I just let that

part go, although that took me years to achieve, to let go any hope or

expectation of ever having any meaningful relationship with my sibling.

>

> Sometimes I send cards and I don't get a response, so I wonder if the

children receive them at all. In a BP FOO, who knows? One never knows

what might happen.... I suspect nada intercepted my mail when I was

small, because someone must have thrown away letters from people who

were reaching to me from the outside, because years later they told me

about piles of letters... that I never got. This would make sense in

terms of nada's fear of abandonment...

>

> So, I also am recognizing that criticizing my sibling's parenting is

pointless, this would be true in any family, even one without a resident

BPD person. So, I have let up on that. That took me a while to learn. I

had to let go of some of my anger and pain and expectations for change.

That is really hard, it's like radical acceptance of what is. And that's

hard sometimes. It's actually still painful for me to think and write

that things will never be different. It hurts. But, I understand this

emotion is something for me to keep to myself, and not unleash on the

FOO, however worthy my criticism is. My poor " Father " is also in the

role of having everyone yell at him and he has no emotional intelligence

whatsoever. I don't want to add to his burden any more, he is old!

(Obviously, as you all know, this is within the framework of having

completely mixed feelings about someone who was both my saviour from

abuse and complicit in the abuse... ) So, I am accepting that there is

little I can do to change their style of parenting/grandparenting.

>

> Another friend said that I should stop worrying about those kids, my

nieces, because they have their own path in life, and to want to rescue

is this fantasy I have because I wish someone had rescued me as a kid. I

wonder if I need to let something go here, along these lines. Some

desire to change the world, to rescue people, to be a do-gooder. People

who have suffered abuse often spend their time rescuing others, and I

know I do my fair share of that each week!

>

> So, all of this, because I want to send the girls some childrens'

books that discuss some of the emotional issues I see, including An

Umbrella For which is about BPD (I learned about it on here). Would

this be completely inappropriate and overstepping my boundaries? Or

would the books be so offensive they would throw them away? Or would it

be a good move, that would help the girls have their emotions

acknowledged and give them a vocabulary to speak about their

experiences? I really really really want to send these books to them, I

have selected some books that exactly speak to the situation. I know I

would have loved those books as a child, because I would have been

exposed to the word " Borderline " at a much earlier age. In my fantasy

world of sending these books, my sibling would read them out loud to the

children, and she too would have some lightbulb moments and I could

rescue and free her too! (This hurts to write.) Do you think that in my

FOO, since everything is so hectic and everyone is so disconnected from

reality, they would maybe not even notice that the topics of the books

are about the dynamics there?

>

> So, given all that background, my main question is, do I buy and mail

the books?

>

> Thanks for reading all of that, and thanks for any insights and

clarity as to what might be my appropriate role/actions. etc.

>

> Hugs,

> Walkingto Happiness.

>

[Guest guest]

I second that, what Annie said.

I had a couple of people growing up who were very important, and in the most

part probably didn't know that. At least you know how much those kids will

appreciate having had you around when they're older.

I'm pretty sure my aunties have no idea.

So there's plenty you can do imho, how are you going with it?

It's not easy having to deal with the family but it's worth it. Plus there's all

these skills in dealing with bpd's that we can learn to make it easier. Is your

sister, the mother, bpd too?

btw, i've considered that i may be over-identifying with my neices and nephew,

but i never really decided, because I look at in terms of this hedonistic

culture; advice to put yourself first is not always the right thing to do. Plus

if your sister was seriously physically sick on & off, everyone would accept

that you, as an auntie, are an important figure in the childrens lives.

> >

> > Hi friends,

> >

> > I need some advice. I have a RC relationship with the FOO, and I did visit

one time in the last five years, mainly to see my nieces that I had not met

previously. My sibling, their parent, has a close, from what I can see,

enmeshed, relationship with nada and " father " , who are still married.

> >

> > Of course, I was always the bad one. I have been growing in a lot of

strength, and I was able to visit for a few hours about half a year ago, and

outwardly maintain calmness and strength.

> >

> > There have been a lot of inner struggles, and emotional battles within me

around all of this. One inner struggle I have is the wish to rescue the small,

innocent children, my nieces. I used to be really confrontatonal with " father "

in calls, and criticize my sibling's parenting whenever he would say anything

about that whole branch of the FOO. I know this was unpleasant for " Father " but

my thoughts and feelings were along the line of, oh my god! the abuse is being

repeated in another generation!!! I feel angry, frustrated, and I just want to

rush in and rescue. If I could, I would just go in and tell everyone how these

kids should be parented. From what I can tell, they are really messing up these

kids. My sibling is divorced, the ex is a mess, and my sibling is so enmeshed

she basically lives with nada. The children are there almost all the time. I

don't see how any of this can be any good. And I would spend a lot of my

precious time and energy getting angry and frustrated about it. And thinking of

strategies, how I could influence any of this (number one strategy was to talk

with " Father " who is grandfather to my nieces, on the phone and criticize and

yell and get upset etc).

> >

> > When I talk with my friends, they have banal outsider suggestions like " oh

grandparents are always really different with grandchildren than they are with

their own children, it will be all right " . Does anyone know whether nadas are

as abusive as grandnadas? Or is this person right, will nada treat her

grandchildren differently than she treated her children? To me , it seems like

her grandchildren have replaced her children, which is where my concern comes

from!

> >

> > Another comment a friend made was to send the kids greeting cards throughout

the year, just cards that say " I'm thinking of you " etc. I have been doing

this, and sometimes they are received with a flourish. I can tell it is at

times that nada has me split well: at those times, I will receive a really

formal thank you card from my sibling, thank you for the gifts, thank you for

the cards. (Nothing about how we haven't spoken in over twenty years, nothing

normal between us, but whatever.) I'm writing the cards for the innocent and

dependent children; I've given up on my sibling ever having a relationship with

me because I understand she is still so enmeshed that she doesn't exist. I have

done a lot of work over years to extricate myself, and I know she doesn't even

have awareness that anything is wrong at all. So I just let that part go,

although that took me years to achieve, to let go any hope or expectation of

ever having any meaningful relationship with my sibling.

> >

> > Sometimes I send cards and I don't get a response, so I wonder if the

children receive them at all. In a BP FOO, who knows? One never knows what

might happen.... I suspect nada intercepted my mail when I was small, because

someone must have thrown away letters from people who were reaching to me from

the outside, because years later they told me about piles of letters... that I

never got. This would make sense in terms of nada's fear of abandonment...

> >

> > So, I also am recognizing that criticizing my sibling's parenting is

pointless, this would be true in any family, even one without a resident BPD

person. So, I have let up on that. That took me a while to learn. I had to

let go of some of my anger and pain and expectations for change. That is really

hard, it's like radical acceptance of what is. And that's hard sometimes. It's

actually still painful for me to think and write that things will never be

different. It hurts. But, I understand this emotion is something for me to

keep to myself, and not unleash on the FOO, however worthy my criticism is. My

poor " Father " is also in the role of having everyone yell at him and he has no

emotional intelligence whatsoever. I don't want to add to his burden any more,

he is old! (Obviously, as you all know, this is within the framework of having

completely mixed feelings about someone who was both my saviour from abuse and

complicit in the abuse... ) So, I am accepting that there is little I can do to

change their style of parenting/grandparenting.

> >

> > Another friend said that I should stop worrying about those kids, my nieces,

because they have their own path in life, and to want to rescue is this fantasy

I have because I wish someone had rescued me as a kid. I wonder if I need to

let something go here, along these lines. Some desire to change the world, to

rescue people, to be a do-gooder. People who have suffered abuse often spend

their time rescuing others, and I know I do my fair share of that each week!

> >

> > So, all of this, because I want to send the girls some childrens' books that

discuss some of the emotional issues I see, including An Umbrella For which

is about BPD (I learned about it on here). Would this be completely

inappropriate and overstepping my boundaries? Or would the books be so

offensive they would throw them away? Or would it be a good move, that would

help the girls have their emotions acknowledged and give them a vocabulary to

speak about their experiences? I really really really want to send these books

to them, I have selected some books that exactly speak to the situation. I know

I would have loved those books as a child, because I would have been exposed to

the word " Borderline " at a much earlier age. In my fantasy world of sending

these books, my sibling would read them out loud to the children, and she too

would have some lightbulb moments and I could rescue and free her too! (This

hurts to write.) Do you think that in my FOO, since everything is so hectic and

everyone is so disconnected from reality, they would maybe not even notice that

the topics of the books are about the dynamics there?

> >

> > So, given all that background, my main question is, do I buy and mail the

books?

> >

> > Thanks for reading all of that, and thanks for any insights and clarity as

to what might be my appropriate role/actions. etc.

> >

> > Hugs,

> > Walkingto Happiness.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Sorry...i'm tired... as an extra note;

I really love kids though, it's really rewarding for me, obviously it's up to

you. I'm good even with autistic kids. They talk to me straight off. Even if

they're not speaking in a language i actually understand lol. One of the

important people for me was a teacher, so there are other people who can be

there for them.

Also my aunties switched on me, when mum did (before that sis was the

'difficult' one). So watch to remain independant, don't get too involved. Is my

advice.

Cheers.

> > >

> > > Hi friends,

> > >

> > > I need some advice. I have a RC relationship with the FOO, and I did

visit one time in the last five years, mainly to see my nieces that I had not

met previously. My sibling, their parent, has a close, from what I can see,

enmeshed, relationship with nada and " father " , who are still married.

> > >

> > > Of course, I was always the bad one. I have been growing in a lot of

strength, and I was able to visit for a few hours about half a year ago, and

outwardly maintain calmness and strength.

> > >

> > > There have been a lot of inner struggles, and emotional battles within me

around all of this. One inner struggle I have is the wish to rescue the small,

innocent children, my nieces. I used to be really confrontatonal with " father "

in calls, and criticize my sibling's parenting whenever he would say anything

about that whole branch of the FOO. I know this was unpleasant for " Father " but

my thoughts and feelings were along the line of, oh my god! the abuse is being

repeated in another generation!!! I feel angry, frustrated, and I just want to

rush in and rescue. If I could, I would just go in and tell everyone how these

kids should be parented. From what I can tell, they are really messing up these

kids. My sibling is divorced, the ex is a mess, and my sibling is so enmeshed

she basically lives with nada. The children are there almost all the time. I

don't see how any of this can be any good. And I would spend a lot of my

precious time and energy getting angry and frustrated about it. And thinking of

strategies, how I could influence any of this (number one strategy was to talk

with " Father " who is grandfather to my nieces, on the phone and criticize and

yell and get upset etc).

> > >

> > > When I talk with my friends, they have banal outsider suggestions like " oh

grandparents are always really different with grandchildren than they are with

their own children, it will be all right " . Does anyone know whether nadas are

as abusive as grandnadas? Or is this person right, will nada treat her

grandchildren differently than she treated her children? To me , it seems like

her grandchildren have replaced her children, which is where my concern comes

from!

> > >

> > > Another comment a friend made was to send the kids greeting cards

throughout the year, just cards that say " I'm thinking of you " etc. I have been

doing this, and sometimes they are received with a flourish. I can tell it is

at times that nada has me split well: at those times, I will receive a really

formal thank you card from my sibling, thank you for the gifts, thank you for

the cards. (Nothing about how we haven't spoken in over twenty years, nothing

normal between us, but whatever.) I'm writing the cards for the innocent and

dependent children; I've given up on my sibling ever having a relationship with

me because I understand she is still so enmeshed that she doesn't exist. I have

done a lot of work over years to extricate myself, and I know she doesn't even

have awareness that anything is wrong at all. So I just let that part go,

although that took me years to achieve, to let go any hope or expectation of

ever having any meaningful relationship with my sibling.

> > >

> > > Sometimes I send cards and I don't get a response, so I wonder if the

children receive them at all. In a BP FOO, who knows? One never knows what

might happen.... I suspect nada intercepted my mail when I was small, because

someone must have thrown away letters from people who were reaching to me from

the outside, because years later they told me about piles of letters... that I

never got. This would make sense in terms of nada's fear of abandonment...

> > >

> > > So, I also am recognizing that criticizing my sibling's parenting is

pointless, this would be true in any family, even one without a resident BPD

person. So, I have let up on that. That took me a while to learn. I had to

let go of some of my anger and pain and expectations for change. That is really

hard, it's like radical acceptance of what is. And that's hard sometimes. It's

actually still painful for me to think and write that things will never be

different. It hurts. But, I understand this emotion is something for me to

keep to myself, and not unleash on the FOO, however worthy my criticism is. My

poor " Father " is also in the role of having everyone yell at him and he has no

emotional intelligence whatsoever. I don't want to add to his burden any more,

he is old! (Obviously, as you all know, this is within the framework of having

completely mixed feelings about someone who was both my saviour from abuse and

complicit in the abuse... ) So, I am accepting that there is little I can do to

change their style of parenting/grandparenting.

> > >

> > > Another friend said that I should stop worrying about those kids, my

nieces, because they have their own path in life, and to want to rescue is this

fantasy I have because I wish someone had rescued me as a kid. I wonder if I

need to let something go here, along these lines. Some desire to change the

world, to rescue people, to be a do-gooder. People who have suffered abuse

often spend their time rescuing others, and I know I do my fair share of that

each week!

> > >

> > > So, all of this, because I want to send the girls some childrens' books

that discuss some of the emotional issues I see, including An Umbrella For

which is about BPD (I learned about it on here). Would this be completely

inappropriate and overstepping my boundaries? Or would the books be so

offensive they would throw them away? Or would it be a good move, that would

help the girls have their emotions acknowledged and give them a vocabulary to

speak about their experiences? I really really really want to send these books

to them, I have selected some books that exactly speak to the situation. I know

I would have loved those books as a child, because I would have been exposed to

the word " Borderline " at a much earlier age. In my fantasy world of sending

these books, my sibling would read them out loud to the children, and she too

would have some lightbulb moments and I could rescue and free her too! (This

hurts to write.) Do you think that in my FOO, since everything is so hectic and

everyone is so disconnected from reality, they would maybe not even notice that

the topics of the books are about the dynamics there?

> > >

> > > So, given all that background, my main question is, do I buy and mail the

books?

> > >

> > > Thanks for reading all of that, and thanks for any insights and clarity as

to what might be my appropriate role/actions. etc.

> > >

> > > Hugs,

> > > Walkingto Happiness.

> > >

> >

>