NC Advice

[Guest guest]

Hey all. Well, I'm supposed to be spending Easter with Nada, but I can't do it.

I'm going to let her know she's not welcome here. I can't fathom yet another

holiday with her snooping through my house, asking inappropriate questions,

making inappropriate and upsetting coments, etc.

Should I leave a message on her answering machine asking her not to come or send

her a note explaining that A)she's not welcome and why she's not welcome? (I

sometimes try to write things down for her because then she has no excuse for

muddling or contorting what I've said.)

[Guest guest]

Or, you could just say something like, " We've made some last-minute plan changes

for Easter weekend, mom. We're going out of town this year, kind of a

mini-vacation. We can talk about you and I getting together for a visit after

we get back. "

From my experience, being direct and honest with the bpd person is guaranteed to

result in histrionics. I basically had to lie to nada to avoid no-win battles

with her. I'm in virtually No Contact with her now, but back before I knew

about personality disorders I would visit her a couple of times a year, grimly

determined to be a " good daughter " even though the visits were always more

stressful and damaging to me than pleasant.

One strategy I finally discovered was... lying. I'd lie about exactly when I

was arriving in her part of the country for my vacation. I'd give myself two or

three days to do my own thing, visit the people and places I wanted to visit,

then I'd " arrive " at nada's place for my visit with her and she was none the

wiser.

Before, when I was honest with her and told her that I wanted to go visit this

person or that place during my vacation by myself, she'd make the *entire time I

was with her* miserable with her pouting and resentment, which could turn ugly.

As long as she believed that I was only there to visit her and be her " slave "

for my entire vacation, she was fine.

So, that's just one way to handle such a situation. Something else might work

better for you. Its a very individual choice, RE how to handle one's mentally

disordered parent.

-Annie

>

> Hey all. Well, I'm supposed to be spending Easter with Nada, but I can't do

it. I'm going to let her know she's not welcome here. I can't fathom yet another

holiday with her snooping through my house, asking inappropriate questions,

making inappropriate and upsetting coments, etc.

>

> Should I leave a message on her answering machine asking her not to come or

send her a note explaining that A)she's not welcome and why she's not

welcome? (I sometimes try to write things down for her because then she has no

excuse for muddling or contorting what I've said.)

>

[Guest guest]

p.s. I'm kind of leading toward the letter, but then I find myself getting mad

and hostile and maybe making the letter more angry than it needs to be. I don't

know. I'm just angry at her in general.

>

> Hey all. Well, I'm supposed to be spending Easter with Nada, but I can't do

it. I'm going to let her know she's not welcome here. I can't fathom yet another

holiday with her snooping through my house, asking inappropriate questions,

making inappropriate and upsetting coments, etc.

>

> Should I leave a message on her answering machine asking her not to come or

send her a note explaining that A)she's not welcome and why she's not

welcome? (I sometimes try to write things down for her because then she has no

excuse for muddling or contorting what I've said.)

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks, Annie. That's often how I deal with her, actually. I could tell her I'm

sick or my kid is sick. That would work. It's just that then I'll have to go

through the whole rigamarole again for Mother's Day.

Ha, Ha!

'As long as she believed that I was only there to visit her and be her " slave "

for my entire vacation, she was fine.'

That is sooooo my Nada.

Sigh. Yeah. I'll just have to figure it out.

Thanks!

> >

> > Hey all. Well, I'm supposed to be spending Easter with Nada, but I can't do

it. I'm going to let her know she's not welcome here. I can't fathom yet another

holiday with her snooping through my house, asking inappropriate questions,

making inappropriate and upsetting coments, etc.

> >

> > Should I leave a message on her answering machine asking her not to come or

send her a note explaining that A)she's not welcome and why she's not

welcome? (I sometimes try to write things down for her because then she has no

excuse for muddling or contorting what I've said.)

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I don't know your nada, so I don't want to say what you should

or shouldn't do, but I know how my nada would react to a letter

like that. There would be an explosion loud enough to here on

the other side of the country. She does not react well to

criticism under any circumstances nor does she react well to

written communication. Somehow writing instead of talking is an

insult in her mind, even if there's no criticism involved.

Putting things in writing definitely doesn't prevent my nada

from twisting what was said. She just conveniently forgets what

was actually written just like she changes everything else in

her memory. My nada even " forgets " what she herself has put in

writing.

I think you should ask yourself what you hope to accomplish by

writing an explanation to her. If you hope to change her

behavior, I wouldn't bother. If you feel you don't ever want her

in your house again, you could simply say " I think it is best

that you don't visit me at home " and leave it at that. Any

explanation, whether in writing or talking is likely to either

be ignored or to rile her up. An explanation of why you don't

want her is also an open invitation for her to argue about your

reasons and try to make you justify yourself or back down.

At 01:08 PM 04/18/2011 Ambertolina wrote:

>Hey all. Well, I'm supposed to be spending Easter with Nada,

>but I can't do it. I'm going to let her know she's not welcome

>here. I can't fathom yet another holiday with her snooping

>through my house, asking inappropriate questions, making

>inappropriate and upsetting coments, etc.

>

>Should I leave a message on her answering machine asking her

>not to come or send her a note explaining that A)she's not

>welcome and why she's not welcome? (I sometimes try to write

>things down for her because then she has no excuse for muddling

>or contorting what I've said.)

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

I'm with Annie on this one!!!

Being unavailable due to 'last minute plans' is the way to go here. Really...

as KO's we've grown up fully exposed to these people... and we feel naked and

vulnerable and raw to their expectations, demands, guilt trips. So just saying,

" We're not available " is the sanest way to go. Make your Easter about YOUR

family - and make it a happy one... if you have to " Doctor the Facts " of its

timeline, so be it.

Lynnette - who is now (after 40+ years of explanations and justifications and

feeling crummy) just saying, " No. We're not available. " AND IT FEELS GREAT!

> >

> > Hey all. Well, I'm supposed to be spending Easter with Nada, but I can't do

it. I'm going to let her know she's not welcome here. I can't fathom yet another

holiday with her snooping through my house, asking inappropriate questions,

making inappropriate and upsetting coments, etc.

> >

> > Should I leave a message on her answering machine asking her not to come or

send her a note explaining that A)she's not welcome and why she's not

welcome? (I sometimes try to write things down for her because then she has no

excuse for muddling or contorting what I've said.)

> >

>

[Guest guest]

This is a tough one. I finally ended the holiday get-togethers this past

Thanksgiving--by simply saying we were planning to do something completely

different and low key. I suggested she make other plans.

She responded by saying she had other plans herself, and was glad I 'understood

she couldn't give the day to me.' In other words, she decided to play it that

she rejected me first! I know for a fact she spent the last few holidays at

home, alone, but always lies to anyone who calls that she is being asked to

friends homes, etc.

Now that the precedent is set, I am not about to change it!

Holidays with her are miserable: she yells at DD constantly, she's pushy,

insulting and name calling. None of us ever live up to expectations of what she

expects the day to be like.

For several years I made the holiday meal for her so she wouldn't have to

bother. Then I found out she was making full-out meals for the holiday at home

anyway, so she could have them exactly as she wanted with leftovers (can you say

food addict?). So, why was I busting butt? Oh, just to be insulted in her home.

I'm done.

>

> Hey all. Well, I'm supposed to be spending Easter with Nada, but I can't do

it. I'm going to let her know she's not welcome here. I can't fathom yet another

holiday with her snooping through my house, asking inappropriate questions,

making inappropriate and upsetting coments, etc.

>

> Should I leave a message on her answering machine asking her not to come or

send her a note explaining that A)she's not welcome and why she's not

welcome? (I sometimes try to write things down for her because then she has no

excuse for muddling or contorting what I've said.)

>

[Guest guest]

You all are right, of course. I want to write her a letter because I'm pissed at

her. Also, I'd like to call off Easter today rather than going through the farce

of everything being AOK (she'll have to call tomorrow to confirm the menu) and

then calling it off at the last minute.

She bascially invited herself over. I just couldn't bear the thought of being at

her house; it's so depressing. She's a hoarder. But then her behavior tends to

be even more bizarre over here than at her place, and she's bitchy and rude to

the staff at restaurants. I just don't want to see her at all. I just don't.

> >Hey all. Well, I'm supposed to be spending Easter with Nada,

> >but I can't do it. I'm going to let her know she's not welcome

> >here. I can't fathom yet another holiday with her snooping

> >through my house, asking inappropriate questions, making

> >inappropriate and upsetting coments, etc.

> >

> >Should I leave a message on her answering machine asking her

> >not to come or send her a note explaining that A)she's not

> >welcome and why she's not welcome? (I sometimes try to write

> >things down for her because then she has no excuse for muddling

> >or contorting what I've said.)

>

> --

> Katrina

>

[Guest guest]

A couple things I should add, as I tip-toed around this issue for 20 years:

Being honest about why you don't want to spend the holiday with her will only

make her angry and start another war. She will never, ever accept your version

of events or her reaction to them.

One thing I tried was to say " Oh, we are busy that day. " When I told nada this

she just decided to make the meet on the OTHER day on the weekend, or Christmas

Eve as opposed to Christmas Day. If I said we were tired and needed to rest,

she'd say " Well, you have to eat anyway. Just stop over, eat and leave. " She had

a whole list of responses to overcome my refusals.

So, don't make excuses or come up with clever lies she'll try to pick apart and

use as ammunition against you later. Just say no.

>

> Hey all. Well, I'm supposed to be spending Easter with Nada, but I can't do

it. I'm going to let her know she's not welcome here. I can't fathom yet another

holiday with her snooping through my house, asking inappropriate questions,

making inappropriate and upsetting coments, etc.

>

> Should I leave a message on her answering machine asking her not to come or

send her a note explaining that A)she's not welcome and why she's not

welcome? (I sometimes try to write things down for her because then she has no

excuse for muddling or contorting what I've said.)

>

[Guest guest]

You're right, in the case with my nada anyway no matter how I chose to deal with

it, it was a no-win situation. But if I was honest with her, it turned out

worse for me, though. She made me " pay " for being honest with her.

Just saying " No " with no further explanation would result in histrionic

rage-tantrums as well.

So, for me, lying by omission (not telling nada exactly when I was actually

arriving) worked best for me.

We each have to figure out what works for us, what we can tolerate and handle

best, since each of situations is unique and we have been damaged in different

ways. We each have our own " weak " spots that are vulnerable, and we each have

different strengths.

-Annie

> >

> > Hey all. Well, I'm supposed to be spending Easter with Nada, but I can't do

it. I'm going to let her know she's not welcome here. I can't fathom yet another

holiday with her snooping through my house, asking inappropriate questions,

making inappropriate and upsetting coments, etc.

> >

> > Should I leave a message on her answering machine asking her not to come or

send her a note explaining that A)she's not welcome and why she's not

welcome? (I sometimes try to write things down for her because then she has no

excuse for muddling or contorting what I've said.)

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I guess I can go with my old standby: pretend to be " too sick " or " too tired " to

do Easter. That's something she can identify with, and it makes her feel better

about her lazy self if other people call things off because they're " too

exhausted. " She's very sympathetic to that. Any other reason and she'd be angry

with me.

I'm just tired of lying. My nada taught me that lying is the prefered way to get

through life, and I hate perpetuating that, especially in front of my kid. But I

guess perpetuating that with *Nada* and not under any other circumstances, is at

least somewhat okay. It's just something I'll have to explain to my kid at some

point.

Ugh. I hate having to be a different person around Nada. It's exhausting.

[Guest guest]

I have found (for my situation) that...

Writing a " draft " letter first always helps because I can say whatever I want to

(knowing Nada won't see it), and then my " final " letter is written more clearly

because I can be as objective as possible without angry or accusatory tones. :-)

However...

I have also found that, regardless of however objective and precise my language

is (refraining from " you... " statements and using " I feel... " ), that Nada is

still able to distort my meaning and quote out of context. (Maybe a funtion of

illness?)

It DOES feel better (for me) to have a " hard copy " to refer back to, but don't

be too disappointed if your Nada still twists some of the language around...

-K

> >

> > Hey all. Well, I'm supposed to be spending Easter with Nada, but I can't do

it. I'm going to let her know she's not welcome here. I can't fathom yet another

holiday with her snooping through my house, asking inappropriate questions,

making inappropriate and upsetting coments, etc.

> >

> > Should I leave a message on her answering machine asking her not to come or

send her a note explaining that A)she's not welcome and why she's not

welcome? (I sometimes try to write things down for her because then she has no

excuse for muddling or contorting what I've said.)

> >

>