How do I know when I am Right?!

April 19, 2011

I set a limit with my parents for the first time yesterday. They wanted to

celebrate my son's birthday with me this weekend, but I have so much work that

it just won't be possible. I let them know, and after I kept on setting my

limit, they gave up.

I was really happy about my accomplishment of setting a limit for the first

time. Until...a little while ago I got an email from them, saying how

disappointed they are in me for not being able to find the time for them this

weekend. How this is such an important weekend to spend together and I'm just

blowing it off...how I'm going to be moving soon and it's going to be really

hard to see me. Then they start talking about how they don't know how often

they're going to get to see me soon, and how they're really upset about me not

setting this weekend aside for them because of that.

Part of me feels like I should have...somehow...set SOME time aside for them. I

really could have if I wanted to, but after a long week of work, having them

over is EMOTIONALLY draining...and it's just something I can't handle now. Is it

terribly selfish of me to shut them out for a weekend? I AM their only child, so

if I were in their position maybe I'd be feeling a little hurt too. I just don't

know if I did the right thing by setting a limit and telling them I couldn't see

them. The guilt is settling in and I feel like I did something wrong and

selfish...

How do you separate the " real " hurt that a BP feels from the blowed-up and

exploded emotions they throw on us? I want to be able to treat my parents as

humans and feel bad when I hurt them, but I don't know when the hurt would seem

painful to another non-BP!

April 19, 2011

Nooooooo!!!!! Stay away from the FOG!!!!

Fear

Obligation

Guilt

Do those three emotions sound familiar to you? Yes, you are allowed to time out.

They should understand that your life is about you. Doesn't matter if you're

their only child. Your life does not revolve around them.

I can imagine they want to celebrate with you and their grandchild. That is

perfectly natural, but it's on your time, not theirs. And considering the BPD,

it should be in a controlled situation. At the most, I would just call them and

say that it is unfortunate that you cannot all be together, and you are

disappointed too but that's just how it is. You could then say that you hope

that you can all get together at X alternate time at X alternate place to

celebrate.

You did good. Stay strong.

>

> I set a limit with my parents for the first time yesterday. They wanted to

celebrate my son's birthday with me this weekend, but I have so much work that

it just won't be possible. I let them know, and after I kept on setting my

limit, they gave up.

>

> I was really happy about my accomplishment of setting a limit for the first

time. Until...a little while ago I got an email from them, saying how

disappointed they are in me for not being able to find the time for them this

weekend. How this is such an important weekend to spend together and I'm just

blowing it off...how I'm going to be moving soon and it's going to be really

hard to see me. Then they start talking about how they don't know how often

they're going to get to see me soon, and how they're really upset about me not

setting this weekend aside for them because of that.

>

> Part of me feels like I should have...somehow...set SOME time aside for them.

I really could have if I wanted to, but after a long week of work, having them

over is EMOTIONALLY draining...and it's just something I can't handle now. Is it

terribly selfish of me to shut them out for a weekend? I AM their only child, so

if I were in their position maybe I'd be feeling a little hurt too. I just don't

know if I did the right thing by setting a limit and telling them I couldn't see

them. The guilt is settling in and I feel like I did something wrong and

selfish...

>

> How do you separate the " real " hurt that a BP feels from the blowed-up and

exploded emotions they throw on us? I want to be able to treat my parents as

humans and feel bad when I hurt them, but I don't know when the hurt would seem

painful to another non-BP!

>

April 19, 2011

I don't think you can separate the " real " hurt from anything

else where BPD is concerned. A big part of the problem with BPD

is that they feel hurt when no normal person would feel hurt.

For them, it is real. Their brains just don't work right where

emotions are concerned. Emotionally, they're a lot like toddlers

who haven't learned that the world isn't all about them.

Toddlers cry and throw tantrums when they don't get what they

want. They don't understand that other people's needs have to be

considered and that sometimes you can't have what you want.

Nadas and fadas have tantrums when they don't get what they want

and lack understanding that other people have their own needs.

Their tantrums look a little different, but the idea is still

the same. The big difference is that toddlers eventually learn

to stop doing that but our nadas and fadas don't.

Normal parents would want you to have a life of your own. Normal

parents would be happy for you if you got a good job, whether it

was in another city or not. They might be sad that you'd be

moving away, but they'd be happy for you too. There's a

difference between " sad " and " hurt " . Normal parents wouldn't be

making everything about how guilty you should feel for moving.

Normal parents would not use a child's birthday as an excuse to

make you feel bad.

When dealing with a parent with BPD, you need to stop worrying

about what is going to hurt your nada or fada because the

reality of it is that almost everything is going to hurt them

unless you do exactly what they want and allow yourself to be

their puppet. Even that isn't likely to make them satisfied with

you. My advice is to stop stop thinking in those terms and think

about what is right for you and your son. Making the choices

that are right for you and your son is not being selfish. It is

not wrong. You have the right to your own life. You don't have

to be, and shouldn't be, an extension of your parents desires.

At 09:53 PM 04/19/2011 newlife9871 wrote:

>I set a limit with my parents for the first time yesterday.

>They wanted to celebrate my son's birthday with me this

>weekend, but I have so much work that it just won't be

>possible. I let them know, and after I kept on setting my

>limit, they gave up.

>

>I was really happy about my accomplishment of setting a limit

>for the first time. Until...a little while ago I got an email

>from them, saying how disappointed they are in me for not being

>able to find the time for them this weekend. How this is such

>an important weekend to spend together and I'm just blowing it

>off...how I'm going to be moving soon and it's going to be

>really hard to see me. Then they start talking about how they

>don't know how often they're going to get to see me soon, and

>how they're really upset about me not setting this weekend

>aside for them because of that.

>

>Part of me feels like I should have...somehow...set SOME time

>aside for them. I really could have if I wanted to, but after a

>long week of work, having them over is EMOTIONALLY

>draining...and it's just something I can't handle now. Is it

>terribly selfish of me to shut them out for a weekend? I AM

>their only child, so if I were in their position maybe I'd be

>feeling a little hurt too. I just don't know if I did the right

>thing by setting a limit and telling them I couldn't see them.

>The guilt is settling in and I feel like I did something wrong

>and selfish...

>

>How do you separate the " real " hurt that a BP feels from the

>blowed-up and exploded emotions they throw on us? I want to be

>able to treat my parents as humans and feel bad when I hurt

>them, but I don't know when the hurt would seem painful to

>another non-BP!

>

--

Katrina

April 19, 2011

Well put! I totally agree. Example: my nada actually got her feelings hurt and

started pouting *because I didn't agree with her opinion that it was too cool

outdoors.*

I thought it was just perfect, I love it on the cool side. I said, " Its OK mom,

I don't want a sweater, but bring your sweater if you want to, or your jacket,

and let's get to the store. " In a little, small voice like a wounded bunny, she

replied, " No. I don't need my sweater, don't bother. Never mind. "

It's just freaking maddening, Jeez Louise. I swear; this stuff is too bizarre

to make up. It happened about, oh, 12 years ago when I was still very enmeshed

with nada.

When I was a kid/teen this very same response from me ( " I feel fine, mom; I like

it cool and would rather not wear a sweater. " ) might trigger her into actual

anger and she'd *scream* at me to get a coat or sweater and call me names like

" stupid " or " lazy " or she'd threaten me ( " smart-mouth me and I'll belt you " )

while I was complying, but as she's aged she is more likely to turn Waifish and

do a great imitation of the Little Match Girl or something equally pitiful.

So, just do what you need to do, be firm, and let them own their own feelings

about it. Good for you for setting some reasonable adult boundaries.

-Annie

> >I set a limit with my parents for the first time yesterday.

> >They wanted to celebrate my son's birthday with me this

> >weekend, but I have so much work that it just won't be

> >possible. I let them know, and after I kept on setting my

> >limit, they gave up.

> >

> >I was really happy about my accomplishment of setting a limit

> >for the first time. Until...a little while ago I got an email

> >from them, saying how disappointed they are in me for not being

> >able to find the time for them this weekend. How this is such

> >an important weekend to spend together and I'm just blowing it

> >off...how I'm going to be moving soon and it's going to be

> >really hard to see me. Then they start talking about how they

> >don't know how often they're going to get to see me soon, and

> >how they're really upset about me not setting this weekend

> >aside for them because of that.

> >

> >Part of me feels like I should have...somehow...set SOME time

> >aside for them. I really could have if I wanted to, but after a

> >long week of work, having them over is EMOTIONALLY

> >draining...and it's just something I can't handle now. Is it

> >terribly selfish of me to shut them out for a weekend? I AM

> >their only child, so if I were in their position maybe I'd be

> >feeling a little hurt too. I just don't know if I did the right

> >thing by setting a limit and telling them I couldn't see them.

> >The guilt is settling in and I feel like I did something wrong

> >and selfish...

> >

> >How do you separate the " real " hurt that a BP feels from the

> >blowed-up and exploded emotions they throw on us? I want to be

> >able to treat my parents as humans and feel bad when I hurt

> >them, but I don't know when the hurt would seem painful to

> >another non-BP!

> >

>

> --

> Katrina

>

April 20, 2011

Thanks so much!

Everything you all said made so so much sense.

I guess my biggest issue now is...following through with/being okay with the

limits I set. I feel like I need to reply to this email eventually or else I'll

just seem passive-aggressive. I want to still be the mature one in the

situation. How do I reply to the email, recognizing that I read it, but also

seem not too affected by it & still be okay with the limit I sent??