What to do about non BPD dad?

[Guest guest]

Hi

For the past couple of years while nada has gotten more difficult in her

behaviors/attitudes, I have been supporting my dad more and more. It is at the

point where pretty much every other conversation we have is about nada and how

my dad is caught up in her. He just cant let go of her and goes on and on about

her and how difficult it is to deal with her but he stays stuck waiting for the

day she changes. I've tried to encourage him to look at how he can change,

giving him SWOE and other reading material and persuaded him to try some

counseling. But he still clings on to an abusive relationship with her. It is

really sad to see.

I feel like I need to take a step back as sometimes I feel I am giving him

support the way a close friend would and I feel uncomfortable being his main

support system (he has become isolated).

I've just spoken to him and said if he chooses to put up with nada, he needs to

accept the consequences of that. Then he started crying how he is stuck and nada

will be the death of him. What can I do? I know if he chooses to to stay stuck

then that is up to him. But how do I extract myself? I've had to keep distance

from extended family due to nada. I'm LC with nada. My dad is the closet family

I got left. I just feel overwhelmed by all this loss. No mother, no father (he

is too obsessed with her, I'm just some character in the story who comes along

and plays a support role), a brother who is of the `just get over it' attitude.

I've just had a cry over all this but it still feel like so much to lose or

rather so much I never had.

Nav

x

[Guest guest]

I'm so sorry you are feeling so sad. BPD can really rip a family apart and

destroy lives. It's hell for the person with BPD, the people who have to live

with them, and anyone who has extended contact with them.

I understand what you're going through, although I don't have any advice. I feel

sorrow at the thought of losing my brothers, one whom is a flying monkey and has

a PD wife himself, and the other who is also of the " just move on/get over it "

mindset. I think the latter brother has quietly protected himself all these

years and kept his distance from nada all his life--but I know he wears the

scars just as much as I do, since he was the bad child for so long.

It's okay to feel sad. In a way, you are losing your family--the family you will

never have--and it's okay to grieve. I think maybe it's healthier to realize

that you will never have the healthily disfunctional family that we all would

give a limb for and to grieve for that loss, than to go on pretending like

someday it will be fine and all the while you are miserable.

It's okay to feel sad. I know it's hard, because we all grew up being taught

that we had to force away our own emotions and put on a happy face at all times.

-

[Guest guest]

Nav,

Oi. I deal with this exact issue. Often times, the men who marry BPs are certain

" types " that BPs gravitate towards because they don't stand up for themselves.

And if they have, they're hoovered and guilted back in again and again and don't

know how to make it stop. Sometimes I think the spouses who stay ( " Dishrags " as

they're sometimes called) have been in it so long that they don't know HOW to

get out. They forget that normal people don't act the way BPs do.

My Dad is practically the same way with me. It took him forever to realize that

my Nada's problems were because she was a BP (he read SWOE too). He took me and

my sister away while we were college--almost like a " better late then never "

situation. However, right after I graduated college and moved out, he moved

right back in with Nada!! I understand how frustrating it can be because he CAN

SEE that she is sick and he KNOWS he can't do anything... yet he stays. They

stay. I don't know why.

I have had a hard time dealing with it too. I'm NC with nada, but my Dad is my

WORLD so it's hard to deal with the fact that he lives with her!! It is very

heartbreaking.

Since this has been my primary issue throughout the time I've been on this

board, I've gotten some good advice. You're right: you're not supposed to be a

consoling " friend " to your dad. Abby told me my dad was " inappropriately

confiding " in me. Sounds like the same situation here. He needs to talk to

someone else about his situation with your nada; unless you both wish to discuss

it at that time. I have found it best not to discuss nada at all with my Dad...

but I do feel she's often " hovering " over our pleasant conversations.

I spent a lot of time trying to get him to move out again. To leave her, to make

a better life for himself and spend more time with my sister and I. He KNOWS

better, but can't do it. The board members here have told me it's not my job to

take care of him. He made his own decision, and you have no control over it.

That's probably the only thing getting me through it. I think I finally just had

to " give up " and let him do it. (He says he'll " move out " if it gets " bad " but

it IS bad. I don't know what he means by that. Agh.)

All I can say is that, sadly, there's not much you can do. I hated hearing that

too. Abby and Katrina taught me that. " Attempt to separate the relationship you

have with your nada with the relationship you have with your dad. " He needs to

do the same for you. Realizing that it is his choice, and there's nothing that

you can do... that's what I have taken away from it all.

Best of luck.

- Cvidzz

>

> Hi

> For the past couple of years while nada has gotten more difficult in her

behaviors/attitudes, I have been supporting my dad more and more. It is at the

point where pretty much every other conversation we have is about nada and how

my dad is caught up in her. He just cant let go of her and goes on and on about

her and how difficult it is to deal with her but he stays stuck waiting for the

day she changes. I've tried to encourage him to look at how he can change,

giving him SWOE and other reading material and persuaded him to try some

counseling. But he still clings on to an abusive relationship with her. It is

really sad to see.

> I feel like I need to take a step back as sometimes I feel I am giving him

support the way a close friend would and I feel uncomfortable being his main

support system (he has become isolated).

> I've just spoken to him and said if he chooses to put up with nada, he needs

to accept the consequences of that. Then he started crying how he is stuck and

nada will be the death of him. What can I do? I know if he chooses to to stay

stuck then that is up to him. But how do I extract myself? I've had to keep

distance from extended family due to nada. I'm LC with nada. My dad is the

closet family I got left. I just feel overwhelmed by all this loss. No mother,

no father (he is too obsessed with her, I'm just some character in the story who

comes along and plays a support role), a brother who is of the `just get over

it' attitude.

> I've just had a cry over all this but it still feel like so much to lose or

rather so much I never had.

>

> Nav

> x

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks

You're right, it is hard but I know I have to let him be. It is a grieving

process. I also feel angry cause I have been grieving about my mum but now am

seeing it is my whole family and my relationships with them that have been

affected by nada. How can PDs do so much damage! It is staggering.

With my 'get over it' brother, we rarely talk about nada but it she is hovering

there as well.

On days like today I wonder if there is anything in my life that nada hasn't

affected...

I think I have been triggered as it is a holiday weekend and at work, on the

radio and on facebook people are talking of meeting up with family and having

barbecues etc and to be honest I am feeling jealous. I've had times before where

it hasn't affected me and I've been able to make my own plans but not this time.

Nav

>

> Nav,

>

> Oi. I deal with this exact issue. Often times, the men who marry BPs are

certain " types " that BPs gravitate towards because they don't stand up for

themselves. And if they have, they're hoovered and guilted back in again and

again and don't know how to make it stop. Sometimes I think the spouses who stay

( " Dishrags " as they're sometimes called) have been in it so long that they don't

know HOW to get out. They forget that normal people don't act the way BPs do.

>

> My Dad is practically the same way with me. It took him forever to realize

that my Nada's problems were because she was a BP (he read SWOE too). He took me

and my sister away while we were college--almost like a " better late then never "

situation. However, right after I graduated college and moved out, he moved

right back in with Nada!! I understand how frustrating it can be because he CAN

SEE that she is sick and he KNOWS he can't do anything... yet he stays. They

stay. I don't know why.

>

> I have had a hard time dealing with it too. I'm NC with nada, but my Dad is my

WORLD so it's hard to deal with the fact that he lives with her!! It is very

heartbreaking.

>

> Since this has been my primary issue throughout the time I've been on this

board, I've gotten some good advice. You're right: you're not supposed to be a

consoling " friend " to your dad. Abby told me my dad was " inappropriately

confiding " in me. Sounds like the same situation here. He needs to talk to

someone else about his situation with your nada; unless you both wish to discuss

it at that time. I have found it best not to discuss nada at all with my Dad...

but I do feel she's often " hovering " over our pleasant conversations.

>

> I spent a lot of time trying to get him to move out again. To leave her, to

make a better life for himself and spend more time with my sister and I. He

KNOWS better, but can't do it. The board members here have told me it's not my

job to take care of him. He made his own decision, and you have no control over

it. That's probably the only thing getting me through it. I think I finally just

had to " give up " and let him do it. (He says he'll " move out " if it gets " bad "

but it IS bad. I don't know what he means by that. Agh.)

>

> All I can say is that, sadly, there's not much you can do. I hated hearing

that too. Abby and Katrina taught me that. " Attempt to separate the relationship

you have with your nada with the relationship you have with your dad. " He needs

to do the same for you. Realizing that it is his choice, and there's nothing

that you can do... that's what I have taken away from it all.

>

> Best of luck.

>

> - Cvidzz

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks

It is staggering the amount of damage that can be done by PDs.

And i think your right that it is healthier to grieve than keep holding on that

nada/dad will change.

Nav

>

> I'm so sorry you are feeling so sad. BPD can really rip a family apart and

destroy lives. It's hell for the person with BPD, the people who have to live

with them, and anyone who has extended contact with them.

>

> I understand what you're going through, although I don't have any advice. I

feel sorrow at the thought of losing my brothers, one whom is a flying monkey

and has a PD wife himself, and the other who is also of the " just move on/get

over it " mindset. I think the latter brother has quietly protected himself all

these years and kept his distance from nada all his life--but I know he wears

the scars just as much as I do, since he was the bad child for so long.

>

> It's okay to feel sad. In a way, you are losing your family--the family you

will never have--and it's okay to grieve. I think maybe it's healthier to

realize that you will never have the healthily disfunctional family that we all

would give a limb for and to grieve for that loss, than to go on pretending like

someday it will be fine and all the while you are miserable.

>

> It's okay to feel sad. I know it's hard, because we all grew up being taught

that we had to force away our own emotions and put on a happy face at all times.

>

> -

>