help, my daughter's friend is getting hoovered

April 22, 2011

> I want to preface this message with the statement that I am in no way

> homophobic or anti-gay.

>

> So, my daughter goes to school with a girl that is a lesbian. There are

> many people who choose this lifestyle and my daughter is aware of them and

> doesn’t really think about it one way or another. But there is this one

> girl that is a lesbian that targets all the empathetic people in the

> school. she sucks all these girls into her drama and mesmerizes them. They

> become consumed with her and her drama. She always targets straight girls.

> Nothing so far has happened with her and these girls because eventually

> these girls figure it out or my daughter will run over to them and say,

> “You’re getting hoovered, walk away.”

>

> Well, my daughter would love to try to explain to this current girl that is

> getting Hoovered what is taking place. She doubts it would work but she

> isn’t getting what she means by “hoovered”. She wondered if there was a

> letter or a passage from a book or something that she could print out for

> the girl and let her read if maybe THEN the girl who is getting sucked in

> would understand. The issue is too close to my daughter because of her

> sister most likely being BPD for her to explain without getting her emotions

> tangled up in her delivery of what she wants to say to her. My daughter is

> willing to drop it and let her good friend get sucked in by this girl who is

> very predatory. But she just has felt that she hasn’t been able to

> articulate herself the way she wants to. She does not feel that the girl

> getting sucked in is a lesbian and feels that she is changing everything

> about herself and her gpa (grade point average) is even lowering as we speak

> because of this BPDish girl. (I don’t know if this girl really has BPD or

> not… but it sure looks suspicious from everything we’ve observed). My

> daughter can’t save anyone. But she just wanted to inform her of what lies

> ahead. She just wants her friend to be informed. My daughter has a lot of

> friends that are gay and feels it’s authentic. She just doesn’t see that

> this fits this girl.

>

> I personally have had this happen to me as well. There was a woman I knew

> that tried to convince me that I am gay. Which is funny because I have been

> chasing guys since I was old enough to walk. It’s something that had never

> occurred to me. I listened to her but disagreed with her and let her know

> that I don’t have those kinds of feelings for her. She harassed me and

> stalked me for quite some time. A year ago she found me on Facebook and

> wrote to me. She wanted to apologize to me for what she put me through.

> She told me that I was just another victim of her BPD antics. I chuckled to

> myself and thought, “I’M SO NOT SURPRISED!!” She has been through treatment

> (DBT) for it. I think she is doing well. I haven’t heard from her again

> for about a year and don’t know if she really will contact me again. I

> think she just wanted to apologize to me for trying to take over my life and

> control me and suck me up into her agenda. Apology accepted. Still don’t

> want to hang out with her because I don’t trust her and we have nothing in

> common. I have a lot of friends that are lesbian or gay, so it’s not an

> issue of their sexuality, just someone I don’t click with.

>

> I don’t want to share my situation with my daughter my situation because I

> think it’s just too much information to be sharing with my daughter and if

> she recycles the information, I don’t want her getting the details out of

> order and mixing up my story. That has already happened to me once with a

> friend. She took creative license and told my story her own way for her own

> manipulative intentions. I guess you live and learn. I wish I had never

> told her.

>

> So, I was thinking… does anyone want to write a letter to this girl? If

> it’s a letter that might work, I’ll take email address off and the list name

> and print it out for my daughter to give her. The Hooverer is J and the

> person being Hoovered is K.

>

> Again, I want to end this message with a statement that I am in no way

> homophobic or anti-gay.

>

> Thanks so much,

>

> BpdingNoMore

>

April 23, 2011

A letter out of the blue from a total stranger, who has heard her story 5th

hand, may not be well accepted.

I could suggest a book your daughter could read, and perhaps her friend would

read as well. It is very eye opening, and if the friend reads it , she really

won t need to say much more.

The book is Safe People, by Cloud and Townsend.

She will see her predatory acquintance on its pages, and perhaps, realize what

is what.

Doug

April 23, 2011

Dear BPDingNoMore,

I realize that you may not have done this on purpose, but by writing " There are

many people who choose this lifestyle... " you have communicated a significant

amount of bias. Vegetarianism is a lifestyle, unless you have a health condition

or allergies to animal protein, it is a choice you consciously make and can stop

at any time. However, being gay or lesbian is not a lifestyle. The first time

you had a crush, did you consciously make a " lifestyle choice " to fall for a

boy? Just like you can't explain why or how you happened to have your first

crush, a gay or lesbian person cannot explain why they first felt an attraction

to a person of the same gender.

I am also failing to understand what your intention is and what your goals are

here. I am not a person who advocates for standing by idly when there is real

potential for harm to a child. Some of the wonderful people here, who gave me

excellent advice, will remember that a year ago I was very concerned when my son

came home telling us of a classmate who he suspected was being abused in some

way. We intervened and brought the matter to the attention of the school

officials. The boy has really thrived since then - his school performance

skyrocketed, his parents have been a lot more watchful and involved with the

school, they have enrolled him in excellent extracurricular activities,

behavioral problems have completely disappeared and this child seems truly

happy. (We never found out the full details, but apparently it was either a

relative or family friend who was being inappropriate with this child.)

However, from what you have written, all I am picking up is that there is a

lesbian girl in your daughter's circle and every time this girl attempts to

interact with other girls your daughter attempts to run interference. I realize

that you may be 100% correct in your assessment that this girl has BPD and can

potentially harm other girls. On the other hand, you have presented no evidence

whatsoever - no facts, no specific issues, nothing for us to go on. (In the case

of the boy in my son's class, he was using inappropriate language, being

disruptive, making sexually charged comments that were way above his age and

development level, etc.... all of which I tried to report to the group here so I

could get meaningful input, and I got it in spades. I am forever thankful for

this fantastic support community.)

It also appears that some of your concern may be based on your own previous

personal experiences with a lesbian former friend. This could potentially be

coloring your assessment of and your response to the situation, and may be

unintentionally biasing your daughter.

I applaud you for your concern for these girls, but please give us a little more

information, and I am sure I will not be the only one who would be more than

happy to help you figure out a way to deal with a potentially very difficult

situation. All children deserve a happy childhood, and have a right not to be

abused, be it by adults or their peers.

Arianna

>

> > I want to preface this message with the statement that I am in no way

> > homophobic or anti-gay.

> >

>

> > So, my daughter goes to school with a girl that is a lesbian. There are

> > many people who choose this lifestyle and my daughter is aware of them and

> > doesn't really think about it one way or another. But there is this one

> > girl that is a lesbian that targets all the empathetic people in the

> > school. she sucks all these girls into her drama and mesmerizes them. They

> > become consumed with her and her drama. She always targets straight girls.

> > Nothing so far has happened with her and these girls because eventually

> > these girls figure it out or my daughter will run over to them and say,

> > " You're getting hoovered, walk away. "

> >

> > Well, my daughter would love to try to explain to this current girl that is

> > getting Hoovered what is taking place. She doubts it would work but she

> > isn't getting what she means by " hoovered " . She wondered if there was a

> > letter or a passage from a book or something that she could print out for

> > the girl and let her read if maybe THEN the girl who is getting sucked in

> > would understand. The issue is too close to my daughter because of her

> > sister most likely being BPD for her to explain without getting her emotions

> > tangled up in her delivery of what she wants to say to her. My daughter is

> > willing to drop it and let her good friend get sucked in by this girl who is

> > very predatory. But she just has felt that she hasn't been able to

> > articulate herself the way she wants to. She does not feel that the girl

> > getting sucked in is a lesbian and feels that she is changing everything

> > about herself and her gpa (grade point average) is even lowering as we speak

> > because of this BPDish girl. (I don't know if this girl really has BPD or

> > not… but it sure looks suspicious from everything we've observed). My

> > daughter can't save anyone. But she just wanted to inform her of what lies

> > ahead. She just wants her friend to be informed. My daughter has a lot of

> > friends that are gay and feels it's authentic. She just doesn't see that

> > this fits this girl.

> >

> > I personally have had this happen to me as well. There was a woman I knew

> > that tried to convince me that I am gay. Which is funny because I have been

> > chasing guys since I was old enough to walk. It's something that had never

> > occurred to me. I listened to her but disagreed with her and let her know

> > that I don't have those kinds of feelings for her. She harassed me and

> > stalked me for quite some time. A year ago she found me on Facebook and

> > wrote to me. She wanted to apologize to me for what she put me through.

> > She told me that I was just another victim of her BPD antics. I chuckled to

> > myself and thought, " I'M SO NOT SURPRISED!! " She has been through treatment

> > (DBT) for it. I think she is doing well. I haven't heard from her again

> > for about a year and don't know if she really will contact me again. I

> > think she just wanted to apologize to me for trying to take over my life and

> > control me and suck me up into her agenda. Apology accepted. Still don't

> > want to hang out with her because I don't trust her and we have nothing in

> > common. I have a lot of friends that are lesbian or gay, so it's not an

> > issue of their sexuality, just someone I don't click with.

> >

> > I don't want to share my situation with my daughter my situation because I

> > think it's just too much information to be sharing with my daughter and if

> > she recycles the information, I don't want her getting the details out of

> > order and mixing up my story. That has already happened to me once with a

> > friend. She took creative license and told my story her own way for her own

> > manipulative intentions. I guess you live and learn. I wish I had never

> > told her.

> >

> > So, I was thinking… does anyone want to write a letter to this girl? If

> > it's a letter that might work, I'll take email address off and the list name

> > and print it out for my daughter to give her. The Hooverer is J and the

> > person being Hoovered is K.

> >

> > Again, I want to end this message with a statement that I am in no way

> > homophobic or anti-gay.

> >

> > Thanks so much,

> >

> > BpdingNoMore

> >

>

April 23, 2011

didn't mean to write that. I do believe that most are born that way. I can

see why you would take issue with those words. I just misspoke.

BPDingNoMore

On Sat, Apr 23, 2011 at 9:32 AM, Arianna wrote:

>

> Dear BPDingNoMore,

>

> I realize that you may not have done this on purpose, but by writing " There

> are many people who choose this lifestyle... " you have communicated a

> significant amount of bias. Vegetarianism is a lifestyle, unless you have a

> health condition or allergies to animal protein, it is a choice you

> consciously make and can stop at any time. However, being gay or lesbian is

> not a lifestyle. The first time you had a crush, did you consciously make a

> " lifestyle choice " to fall for a boy? Just like you can't explain why or how

> you happened to have your first crush, a gay or lesbian person cannot

> explain why they first felt an attraction to a person of the same gender.

>

> I am also failing to understand what your intention is and what your goals

> are here. I am not a person who advocates for standing by idly when there is

> real potential for harm to a child. Some of the wonderful people here, who

> gave me excellent advice, will remember that a year ago I was very concerned

> when my son came home telling us of a classmate who he suspected was being

> abused in some way. We intervened and brought the matter to the attention of

> the school officials. The boy has really thrived since then - his school

> performance skyrocketed, his parents have been a lot more watchful and

> involved with the school, they have enrolled him in excellent

> extracurricular activities, behavioral problems have completely disappeared

> and this child seems truly happy. (We never found out the full details, but

> apparently it was either a relative or family friend who was being

> inappropriate with this child.)

>

> However, from what you have written, all I am picking up is that there is a

> lesbian girl in your daughter's circle and every time this girl attempts to

> interact with other girls your daughter attempts to run interference. I

> realize that you may be 100% correct in your assessment that this girl has

> BPD and can potentially harm other girls. On the other hand, you have

> presented no evidence whatsoever - no facts, no specific issues, nothing for

> us to go on. (In the case of the boy in my son's class, he was using

> inappropriate language, being disruptive, making sexually charged comments

> that were way above his age and development level, etc.... all of which I

> tried to report to the group here so I could get meaningful input, and I got

> it in spades. I am forever thankful for this fantastic support community.)

>

> It also appears that some of your concern may be based on your own previous

> personal experiences with a lesbian former friend. This could potentially be

> coloring your assessment of and your response to the situation, and may be

> unintentionally biasing your daughter.

>

> I applaud you for your concern for these girls, but please give us a little

> more information, and I am sure I will not be the only one who would be more

> than happy to help you figure out a way to deal with a potentially very

> difficult situation. All children deserve a happy childhood, and have a

> right not to be abused, be it by adults or their peers.

>

> Arianna

>

> >

> > > I want to preface this message with the statement that I am in no way

> > > homophobic or anti-gay.

> > >

> >

> > > So, my daughter goes to school with a girl that is a lesbian. There are

> > > many people who choose this lifestyle and my daughter is aware of them

> and

> > > doesn't really think about it one way or another. But there is this one

> > > girl that is a lesbian that targets all the empathetic people in the

> > > school. she sucks all these girls into her drama and mesmerizes them.

> They

> > > become consumed with her and her drama. She always targets straight

> girls.

> > > Nothing so far has happened with her and these girls because eventually

> > > these girls figure it out or my daughter will run over to them and say,

> > > " You're getting hoovered, walk away. "

> > >

> > > Well, my daughter would love to try to explain to this current girl

> that is

> > > getting Hoovered what is taking place. She doubts it would work but she

> > > isn't getting what she means by " hoovered " . She wondered if there was a

> > > letter or a passage from a book or something that she could print out

> for

> > > the girl and let her read if maybe THEN the girl who is getting sucked

> in

> > > would understand. The issue is too close to my daughter because of her

> > > sister most likely being BPD for her to explain without getting her

> emotions

> > > tangled up in her delivery of what she wants to say to her. My daughter

> is

> > > willing to drop it and let her good friend get sucked in by this girl

> who is

> > > very predatory. But she just has felt that she hasn't been able to

> > > articulate herself the way she wants to. She does not feel that the

> girl

> > > getting sucked in is a lesbian and feels that she is changing

> everything

> > > about herself and her gpa (grade point average) is even lowering as we

> speak

> > > because of this BPDish girl. (I don't know if this girl really has BPD

> or

> > > not… but it sure looks suspicious from everything we've observed). My

> > > daughter can't save anyone. But she just wanted to inform her of what

> lies

> > > ahead. She just wants her friend to be informed. My daughter has a lot

> of

> > > friends that are gay and feels it's authentic. She just doesn't see

> that

> > > this fits this girl.

> > >

> > > I personally have had this happen to me as well. There was a woman I

> knew

> > > that tried to convince me that I am gay. Which is funny because I have

> been

> > > chasing guys since I was old enough to walk. It's something that had

> never

> > > occurred to me. I listened to her but disagreed with her and let her

> know

> > > that I don't have those kinds of feelings for her. She harassed me and

> > > stalked me for quite some time. A year ago she found me on Facebook and

> > > wrote to me. She wanted to apologize to me for what she put me through.

> > > She told me that I was just another victim of her BPD antics. I

> chuckled to

> > > myself and thought, " I'M SO NOT SURPRISED!! " She has been through

> treatment

> > > (DBT) for it. I think she is doing well. I haven't heard from her again

> > > for about a year and don't know if she really will contact me again. I

> > > think she just wanted to apologize to me for trying to take over my

> life and

> > > control me and suck me up into her agenda. Apology accepted. Still

> don't

> > > want to hang out with her because I don't trust her and we have nothing

> in

> > > common. I have a lot of friends that are lesbian or gay, so it's not an

> > > issue of their sexuality, just someone I don't click with.

> > >

> > > I don't want to share my situation with my daughter my situation

> because I

> > > think it's just too much information to be sharing with my daughter and

> if

> > > she recycles the information, I don't want her getting the details out

> of

> > > order and mixing up my story. That has already happened to me once with

> a

> > > friend. She took creative license and told my story her own way for her

> own

> > > manipulative intentions. I guess you live and learn. I wish I had never

> > > told her.

> > >

> > > So, I was thinking… does anyone want to write a letter to this girl? If

> > > it's a letter that might work, I'll take email address off and the list

> name

> > > and print it out for my daughter to give her. The Hooverer is J and the

> > > person being Hoovered is K.

> > >

> > > Again, I want to end this message with a statement that I am in no way

> > > homophobic or anti-gay.

> > >

> > > Thanks so much,

> > >

> > > BpdingNoMore

> > >

> >

April 23, 2011

My daughter has only " run interference " with THIS girl because she feels

that she has changed everything about her lately. She's redefining

everything she is suddenly.

What i see in your post is that you are spending more time focusing on the

one little thing i misspoke about instead of the issue. My daughter just

really wants to know what she can say to the girl and then move on. That's

how my daughter is... she wants to say something and the she's out. If the

girl truly wants to be a lesbian and the 20 other things that she's changing

all the sudden, then she should live without regret and go forget it. But I

highly doubt that she wants her grades to go down, have panic attacks, be

completely consumed with this person, give up all her other friends,

isolate, be irritatble, etc... etc...

I have a lot of friends that are Gay and Lesbian and I don't have an issue

with it. My oldest daughter's first babysitters were a lesbian couple.

That was in 1990. I think I " m pretty comfortable.

So now that you know I'm not anti-Gay and Lesbian, can you offer me some

advice?