Elderly BPD mom living with Terminally Ill dad

[Guest guest]

Hello Everyone,

I am the eldest child of four, living two blocks away from my elderly parents.

Mom is diagnosed BPD (has walked out on four therapists) and 77 years old; Dad

is 84 (non-BPD). I really appreciate my ability to share with you my situation,

and I am wondering if anyone else is experiencing something similar.

Mom has displayed all the typical characteristics of BPD while her children were

growing up. We were alternately angels or devils; there were constant bouts of

hysteria and demands, as well as threats to throw herself out of the car if she

didn't get her way, etc. I ended up with a degree in psychology and work as a

Guidance Counselor in a high school; married, two children.

Currently, my Dad is terminally ill with advanced stage prostate cancer (in his

bones), and " end-stage " emphysema (24-hour oxygen). It pains me greatly that my

mom is still criticizing him, accusing him of " affairs " he never had, and

expressing extreme jealousy if he talks with anyone from his family on the

phone. Here he is, dying, and instead of showing compassion, it's still all

about HER. They are going to " celebrate " 50 years of marriage this Saturday,

and neither of them wants to " celebrate " it. Mom says she had a miserable

marriage because he did not give her what she wanted during the marriage

(constant attention), and he is angry that he did not divorce her earlier,

considering all the difficulties/challenges and " damage " done (one sister has

severe anxiety and an eating disorder, brother has OCD, another sister moved

away from home at a young age).

I have been listening to my dad as his " confidant " since I was about four years

old (my first memory of this). I have also taken over a mothering type role to

my brother and sisters, moving them in and out of college, etc., and trying to

placate and understand my mom. Basically, I felt like an adult at about 8 years

old. My 7th grade teacher wrote my parents, telling them she was very worried

about my serious nature. From junior-high on, I worked in my dad's

" meat-market " , waiting on customers until closing. I even commuted daily to

UCLA, earned a degree in psychology and post-bacc units in psych, all the while

working in the family business.

My mom was oblivious the whole time to all my efforts. Daily, she slept in,

went to the gym, bought clothes, etc. Then, she screamed at us.

When I got married, I had twin sons, born prematurely. I knew mom wouldn't be

there for me. She wasn't. She liked being the grandmother of twins, and

showing them off, but forget helping me.

This all hurts so much, I cannot even express it.

Currently, I go to my parents' home daily after work (I work as a Guidance

Counselor in a high school). I try to " stabilize " things as best I can. Mom

won't do anything to help care for my dad. It seems she is angry at him for

being sick, and she whines daily about the perfect marriage she never had. She

is continually saying, " send him to a nursing home " , even though he is not ready

for this. Dad is miserably depressed. I also try to pick up the spirits of my

brother,, who has OCD, and lives with them. I am really worried that this

environment is going to push him over the edge, as it has done in the past (he

is seeing a psychologist currently, and this is helping some).

I basically feel like I have been keeping the pieces of the family together for

years. I am sure I have done my share of enabling, but I don't know what else

to do at this point.

Thanks for listening. . .I am open to all wisdom.

teacher62 mama

[Guest guest]

Hi

Welcome. This sounds like an infernal situation. I would look into " emotional

incest " if I were you. Maybe some things will ring a bell. I feel so bad that

you have taken on such a burden. I hope that this will get easier for you!

----------

Please excuse any typos or terseness, this message was sent from a mobile

device.

Elderly BPD mom living with Terminally Ill dad

Hello Everyone,

I am the eldest child of four, living two blocks away from my elderly parents.

Mom is diagnosed BPD (has walked out on four therapists) and 77 years old; Dad

is 84 (non-BPD). I really appreciate my ability to share with you my situation,

and I am wondering if anyone else is experiencing something similar.

Mom has displayed all the typical characteristics of BPD while her children were

growing up. We were alternately angels or devils; there were constant bouts of

hysteria and demands, as well as threats to throw herself out of the car if she

didn't get her way, etc. I ended up with a degree in psychology and work as a

Guidance Counselor in a high school; married, two children.

Currently, my Dad is terminally ill with advanced stage prostate cancer (in his

bones), and " end-stage " emphysema (24-hour oxygen). It pains me greatly that my

mom is still criticizing him, accusing him of " affairs " he never had, and

expressing extreme jealousy if he talks with anyone from his family on the

phone. Here he is, dying, and instead of showing compassion, it's still all

about HER. They are going to " celebrate " 50 years of marriage this Saturday,

and neither of them wants to " celebrate " it. Mom says she had a miserable

marriage because he did not give her what she wanted during the marriage

(constant attention), and he is angry that he did not divorce her earlier,

considering all the difficulties/challenges and " damage " done (one sister has

severe anxiety and an eating disorder, brother has OCD, another sister moved

away from home at a young age).

I have been listening to my dad as his " confidant " since I was about four years

old (my first memory of this). I have also taken over a mothering type role to

my brother and sisters, moving them in and out of college, etc., and trying to

placate and understand my mom. Basically, I felt like an adult at about 8 years

old. My 7th grade teacher wrote my parents, telling them she was very worried

about my serious nature. From junior-high on, I worked in my dad's

" meat-market " , waiting on customers until closing. I even commuted daily to

UCLA, earned a degree in psychology and post-bacc units in psych, all the while

working in the family business.

My mom was oblivious the whole time to all my efforts. Daily, she slept in,

went to the gym, bought clothes, etc. Then, she screamed at us.

When I got married, I had twin sons, born prematurely. I knew mom wouldn't be

there for me. She wasn't. She liked being the grandmother of twins, and

showing them off, but forget helping me.

This all hurts so much, I cannot even express it.

Currently, I go to my parents' home daily after work (I work as a Guidance

Counselor in a high school). I try to " stabilize " things as best I can. Mom

won't do anything to help care for my dad. It seems she is angry at him for

being sick, and she whines daily about the perfect marriage she never had. She

is continually saying, " send him to a nursing home " , even though he is not ready

for this. Dad is miserably depressed. I also try to pick up the spirits of my

brother,, who has OCD, and lives with them. I am really worried that this

environment is going to push him over the edge, as it has done in the past (he

is seeing a psychologist currently, and this is helping some).

I basically feel like I have been keeping the pieces of the family together for

years. I am sure I have done my share of enabling, but I don't know what else

to do at this point.

Thanks for listening. . .I am open to all wisdom.

teacher62 mama

[Guest guest]

I was in your position just 2 1/2 years ago. My step-dad, the only man in my

nada's life that even came close to being a dad to me, had been through 4 heart

attacks, had congestive heart failure and finally diagnosed with lung cancer

that had spread through his body. There he was, a small man, too weak to do much

of anything, slowly wasting away. And my nada kept complaining about how he just

sat there expecting her to wait on him hand and foot as if he was a king. There

were so many times she was mad at him and refused to even bring him food. He

would shuffle to the fridge to get a bite to eat and then she would scream at

him if he didn't offer to fix something for her too.

During the last few months of his life my husband would sit with him (ah, peace)

while I took my nada out of the house to do errands. It gave my dad a break from

her attacks. I had to listen to her say how evil he was but this was before I

knew anything about BPD.

We eventually moved in with them (except we'd go home to shower) to care for my

dad 24 hours a day since he had no bowel control, couldn't eat and couldn't be

left at the mercy of her meanness. At least we gave him that assurance and

support. My nada carried on, even acted like she was the one suffering and one

night I even had to take her to ER so she could be the victim.

It was such a heart breaking way for him to spend his last weeks. It was only

after a year or more after his death that I found out about BPD and was finally

set free emotionally (for the most part) from my nada. I finally understood what

all her bizarre behavior meant. It explained my whole warped childhood and the

fear and control she had over me was done.

I'm an only child, just had my husband to be there with me through it all but I

don't regret a single moment we spent with him. It meant listening to my nada's

poison but at least my dad felt loved during those last months of his life.

That's what you have to focus on. Screw nada and her drama (another drama mama).

Let her rant but do all you can to bring some moments of joy to your dad. You'll

be thankful for those memories when he's gone.

>

>

>

> Currently, my Dad is terminally ill with advanced stage prostate cancer (in

his bones), and " end-stage " emphysema (24-hour oxygen). It pains me greatly

that my mom is still criticizing him, accusing him of " affairs " he never had,

and expressing extreme jealousy if he talks with anyone from his family on the

phone. Here he is, dying, and instead of showing compassion, it's still all

about HER. They are going to " celebrate " 50 years of marriage this Saturday,

and neither of them wants to " celebrate " it. Mom says she had a miserable

marriage because he did not give her what she wanted during the marriage

(constant attention), and he is angry that he did not divorce her earlier,

considering all the difficulties/challenges and " damage " done (one sister has

severe anxiety and an eating disorder, brother has OCD, another sister moved

away from home at a young age).

> teacher62 mama

>

[Guest guest]

>

> Irene, thank you immensely for taking the time to respond to my post. You

> have reaffirmed my commitment to be there for my dad, despite my nada¹s

> demands. It¹s so hard to believe that he is dying, and she is jealous for the

> attention he receives! If nada won¹t be there for him during his last days, I

> must. If it wasn¹t for him, I would have been even more messed up. He

> deserves to feel love as he dies.

>

> teacher62mama

>

>

>

> I was in your position just 2 1/2 years ago. My step-dad, the only man in my

> nada's life that even came close to being a dad to me, had been through 4

> heart attacks, had congestive heart failure and finally diagnosed with lung

> cancer that had spread through his body. There he was, a small man, too weak

> to do much of anything, slowly wasting away. And my nada kept complaining

> about how he just sat there expecting her to wait on him hand and foot as if

> he was a king. There were so many times she was mad at him and refused to even

> bring him food. He would shuffle to the fridge to get a bite to eat and then

> she would scream at him if he didn't offer to fix something for her too.

>

> During the last few months of his life my husband would sit with him (ah,

> peace) while I took my nada out of the house to do errands. It gave my dad a

> break from her attacks. I had to listen to her say how evil he was but this

> was before I knew anything about BPD.

>

> We eventually moved in with them (except we'd go home to shower) to care for

> my dad 24 hours a day since he had no bowel control, couldn't eat and couldn't

> be left at the mercy of her meanness. At least we gave him that assurance and

> support. My nada carried on, even acted like she was the one suffering and one

> night I even had to take her to ER so she could be the victim.

>

> It was such a heart breaking way for him to spend his last weeks. It was only

> after a year or more after his death that I found out about BPD and was

> finally set free emotionally (for the most part) from my nada. I finally

> understood what all her bizarre behavior meant. It explained my whole warped

> childhood and the fear and control she had over me was done.

>

> I'm an only child, just had my husband to be there with me through it all but

> I don't regret a single moment we spent with him. It meant listening to my

> nada's poison but at least my dad felt loved during those last months of his

> life. That's what you have to focus on. Screw nada and her drama (another

> drama mama). Let her rant but do all you can to bring some moments of joy to

> your dad. You'll be thankful for those memories when he's gone.

>

>

>> >

>> >

>> >

>> > Currently, my Dad is terminally ill with advanced stage prostate cancer (in

>> his bones), and " end-stage " emphysema (24-hour oxygen). It pains me greatly

>> that my mom is still criticizing him, accusing him of " affairs " he never had,

>> and expressing extreme jealousy if he talks with anyone from his family on

>> the phone. Here he is, dying, and instead of showing compassion, it's still

>> all about HER. They are going to " celebrate " 50 years of marriage this

>> Saturday, and neither of them wants to " celebrate " it. Mom says she had a

>> miserable marriage because he did not give her what she wanted during the

>> marriage (constant attention), and he is angry that he did not divorce her

>> earlier, considering all the difficulties/challenges and " damage " done (one

>> sister has severe anxiety and an eating disorder, brother has OCD, another

>> sister moved away from home at a young age).

>

>> > teacher62 mama

>> >

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

It will be a very difficult time for you so find ways to destress. You have the

sorrow of watching your Dad die plus the toxic atmosphere of nada doing her

thing. But when it's all over, you'll treasure those times with your Dad, when

you could make him smile or have a silent understanding between you.

>

> >

> > Irene, thank you immensely for taking the time to respond to my post. You

> > have reaffirmed my commitment to be there for my dad, despite my nada¹s

> > demands. It¹s so hard to believe that he is dying, and she is jealous for

the

> > attention he receives! If nada won¹t be there for him during his last days,

I

> > must. If it wasn¹t for him, I would have been even more messed up. He

> > deserves to feel love as he dies.

> >

> > teacher62mama

> >

> >

> >

> >