How do you end a relationship with a parent?

[Guest guest]

In reading about BPD, I beleive that my mother has this, though she has never

been diagnosed. Her therapist says that she has PTSD and that's all, and my mom

won't even entertain the thought that she could have BPD. She has, over the

past 4-5 years, become much more emotionally abusive, but she has mastered the

ability to be abusive only when no one else is around to hear it. I have

reached my limit with her, but I have 2 young children who love her and she is

very good with them. I have 2 siblings, both of which know what is going on,

but not to the extent that I do. They live much further away from her, whereas

I live 30 seconds away from her. She is extremely self-centered and controlling

and is starting to cause more and more damage every time I speak with her. My

question is, how do I end my relationship with her when so many other people who

I love dearly will be affected by my decision. Should I just accept that she's

sick and continue to live wih it until the day she dies? I don't know what to

do and I am at my wits end.

[Guest guest]

A few thoughts on your question.

1. I would see a therapist yourself. Whether your mom is BP or PTSD, her drama

is affecting you. You need some help too. And as you describe your observations

to your T, there may come an A Ha moment. Remember , a T only hears what the pt

tells them. It is unlikely your mom has been honest with her T, and of course

she would NEVER let you talk to her T.

2. You do not have to accept emotional abuse. Set boundaries in your life with

her. If she violates them as she likely will, enforce them with less contact,

less access, less access to your kids. Remember what you said about how she is

adept at being abusive to you only when no one else is around to hear it? Now

mirror against that your statement that your kids love her and she is great with

them. You don t know what manipulations or digs happen when you are not there.

Exercise great caution there.

3. I cannot tell you in honesty that there may not be consequences from other

people who are still caught up in her fog as you minimize contact. We often

lose relationships, or respect from her flying monkeys who are ready to tell us

how we ought to treat our mom. It enrages us, since they do not know the story.

But it is often true that a few very close to a BP see and experience it, and

they are charming to a layer just outside the center. This gives them cover to

say to them, see how mean they are to me. You can t change her. You can choose

healthy boundaries for you.

IE, Mom, you cannot talk to me about XYZ. Your phone bill is not my problem, and

I don t want to discuss it. Do not come to my house and run down my husband.

If you do thesethings, then I will

Ask you to leave.

Hang up.

Lock the door and not let you in.

If necessary, sell the house and leave the state.

It is not easy. She will resist it. And it is unlikely she will change.

Possible, but not likely, and never while you are still there for her to

assault.

Go see a therapist. Pick up a copy of Safe People, and Surviving the

Borderline Parent. And take your life back.

Doug

>

> In reading about BPD, I beleive that my mother has this, though she has never

been diagnosed. Her therapist says that she has PTSD and that's all, and my mom

won't even entertain the thought that she could have BPD. She has, over the

past 4-5 years, become much more emotionally abusive, but she has mastered the

ability to be abusive only when no one else is around to hear it. I have

reached my limit with her, but I have 2 young children who love her and she is

very good with them. I have 2 siblings, both of which know what is going on,

but not to the extent that I do. They live much further away from her, whereas

I live 30 seconds away from her. She is extremely self-centered and controlling

and is starting to cause more and more damage every time I speak with her. My

question is, how do I end my relationship with her when so many other people who

I love dearly will be affected by my decision. Should I just accept that she's

sick and continue to live wih it until the day she dies? I don't know what to

do and I am at my wits end.

>

[Guest guest]

Dear ,

I struggle with this daily. I cannot cut her off completely and I can't really

live with her abuse for any length of time.

So far what has saved me is being physically far from her and being able to

control the amount and type of contact I have with her. I picked up my family

and moved 1,800 miles to a different part of the country, not in small part due

to the fact that I needed to get away from her in order to survive. She still

tries to push the boundaries. (Like when she decided to come to my house this

February to live with me this semester because she wants to " help " me - she was

escalating until I asked her to leave. When that didn't work I threatened to

make her leave, and she has been acting much better although still insisting on

staying here until the end of my term (not in small part due to the fact that

she has tenants living in all of her houses back in her home state right now,

she even rented out her main residence). She has been very helpful since I

threatened to make her leave and the drama is fairly minimal (as minimal as it

can be with BPD) for now, so I am just grinning and bearing, knowing that she

has no choice but to leave because my lease is up and I am moving in May.)

The issue with the kids is tough. My mother adores my kids too and has done lots

of nice things for them. However, now that they are not little any more and

refuse to bend to her absolute will, there is quite a bit of conflict. My older

son who is now a teen hugged me tightly not too long ago and said, " Mom, it must

have been so hard to be you as a kid. " What I have realized is that parents with

BPD love having little children, because those children are helpless and 100%

dependent on the parent, cannot leave the parent, have to submit to the parent's

will completely, but as soon as the children start growing up, gaining their own

identity and want to assert any sort of independence in thought or action, the

BPDs start raging. At least that was my experience growing up and now I see it

in the way my mother has been interacting with my kids.

My opinion is that it's best to make sure that the kids are not so deeply

involved with the BPD grandmother that once they get older and she starts flying

off hinges they will sustain damage. Having a loving but distant relationship

with limited periods of contact is likely best.

I don't know if you can make a long distance move (especially in this economy),

but it's a great option if available to you.

Arianna

>

> In reading about BPD, I beleive that my mother has this, though she has never

been diagnosed. Her therapist says that she has PTSD and that's all, and my mom

won't even entertain the thought that she could have BPD. She has, over the

past 4-5 years, become much more emotionally abusive, but she has mastered the

ability to be abusive only when no one else is around to hear it. I have

reached my limit with her, but I have 2 young children who love her and she is

very good with them. I have 2 siblings, both of which know what is going on,

but not to the extent that I do. They live much further away from her, whereas

I live 30 seconds away from her. She is extremely self-centered and controlling

and is starting to cause more and more damage every time I speak with her. My

question is, how do I end my relationship with her when so many other people who

I love dearly will be affected by my decision. Should I just accept that she's

sick and continue to live wih it until the day she dies? I don't know what to

do and I am at my wits end.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi

My sister is no contact with our mother. It's not easy. She has 3 kids and I

used to think she was horrible to cut off their grandma. But then the teenager

ran away to our mothers (sis is uBPD and her partner is horrible) and it just

got my instincts in overdrive, to protect my neice from my mother. Yes she was

good with her, when she was little and her slave, didn't want anything, didn't

have her own mind. But as soon as you want space or anything it's as Arianna

said.

It is your decision when to start protecting your kids from their grandma. I

don't think that kind of relationship is healthy at any age (though in my neices

case it was in the past a healthier alternative to her home environment).

It can't be good for your kids to see you being treated badly or you being upset

from having contact.

I think her being 'sick' is a bit of an understatement, no? She's actively

messing with your head. Sick means something else I think.

> >

> > In reading about BPD, I beleive that my mother has this, though she has

never been diagnosed. Her therapist says that she has PTSD and that's all, and

my mom won't even entertain the thought that she could have BPD. She has, over

the past 4-5 years, become much more emotionally abusive, but she has mastered

the ability to be abusive only when no one else is around to hear it. I have

reached my limit with her, but I have 2 young children who love her and she is

very good with them. I have 2 siblings, both of which know what is going on,

but not to the extent that I do. They live much further away from her, whereas

I live 30 seconds away from her. She is extremely self-centered and controlling

and is starting to cause more and more damage every time I speak with her. My

question is, how do I end my relationship with her when so many other people who

I love dearly will be affected by my decision. Should I just accept that she's

sick and continue to live wih it until the day she dies? I don't know what to

do and I am at my wits end.

> >

>