Guest guest Posted April 24, 2011 Report Share Posted April 24, 2011 My mother and step-mother is a BPD, step monster is the Queen type with the added bonus of hypochondriac. I am NC with my mother. in 2009, I caught the step monster in several lies, I didn't " call " her on it, but I made it known to her that I knew. She then " developed " breast cancer - which destroyed christmas plans that had been set. My husband was deploying overseas, and my father wanted to come to have Christmas with us. She didn't. So, christmas was cancelled....the step monster determined that I was not supporting her in her " battle " (forgetting the care package, phone calls and e-mails that I had been sending) and instead felt that I was " nagging " them about their coming (I was left hanging for 2 months over if they were coming or not. My focus was not on HER, but on where my children would spend christmas while their father was on the other side of the world). I wanted a straight answer from them, and never got one. I just wanted to make sure my kids were with family at Christmas. Had " I " cancelled, you all know what would have happened " YOU ABANDONDED ME IN MY TIME OF NEEEEEEEDDDDD! " So I demanded that they give me a YES or NO, not this " I understand if you need to make other plans " crap. She sent me a nasty e-mail, telling me that she didn't get cancer to ruin my christmas. I sent her a firm reply, reminding her that the christmas was not about HER, but about my girls and that I thought given such a serious illness, she would want to spend it with family. She did, just not my family. Anyway, she then followed that up with a 3 page letter detailing my faults and her feelings towards me, how I'm a horrible person blah blah blah. I have only had EXTREMELY minimal contact with her (she e-mailed me about my dad retiring, I sent a polite reply thanking her for the information). Last thursday, her dog passed away and she sent out a mass e-mail. I sent my condolances along with the rainbow bridge poem, and she e-mails me back, saying that we " should mend our bridges " . As far as I am concerned " I " did nothing wrong and have no intention of being her friend, or mending any kind of bridge. She can leap off the said bridge for all I care. My dilema is that I know my father wants to come see the girls this summer and I've made it clear to him that she is not welcome in my home. I don't want HER anywhere near my girls. Which is also why I think that she is e-mailing now. They live 2 days away. I do need to respond to the e-mail, but I think I'm screwed no matter what I say. I think she is wanting some sort of apology - I hope she's holding her breath cause that will hurry her along to her eternal reward. In other words, she ain't gettin one. So. I want to thank her for contacting me, that at least deserves some credit. But, I want to say basically that, out of respect for my father I'll be polite to her, but that is as far as it goes. She detailed her feelings for me in that letter she sent, and frankly....I don't want the crazy to spill over to my girls. Which it will if I allow her " full " access again. The last time she was here, she was cold and reserved and judgemental. She actually insulted my girls and husband in my living room - I think she was shocked that I fired back - this was not surprisingly about a week before she got " sick " . Oh, and did I mention that her breast cancer was diagnosed, treated and CURED within 3 months! Unheard of. She made my then 3 year old cry, which is HARD to do. She then also ripped my father a new one for a good 30-40 minutes in the car. MOST uncomfortable ride ever! I was shocked and horrified at what she was saying to my father. I also spoke to my dad about that, telling him that no one who loves another person speaks to them like that. Anyway, I need the sage advice of you all. How to formulate a polite reply. I've been thinking, writing and deleting for the last two days and I always revert to snarky, rude or downright nasty replies. I need to play it smart. And cool. She needs to stay at arms length. Jen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 24, 2011 Report Share Posted April 24, 2011 HI Jen If it was me, I would first decide what is best for me and my family and go with that. It is your house and if you don't want stepnada there you are within your rights to say no. Maybe something like 'Thanks for emaling, Due to past circumstances myself and (husband's name) would prefer that you don't come. Regards, Jen' The speak to your dad directly about his plans to visit and say something like you would like him to be able to come and see grandkids but its best stepnada doesn't. He might even be grateful and want a break from her from the sounds of it! Short and sweet, your house, your rules. :-) Nav > > My mother and step-mother is a BPD, step monster is the Queen type with the added bonus of hypochondriac. I am NC with my mother. > > in 2009, I caught the step monster in several lies, I didn't " call " her on it, but I made it known to her that I knew. She then " developed " breast cancer - which destroyed christmas plans that had been set. My husband was deploying overseas, and my father wanted to come to have Christmas with us. She didn't. > > So, christmas was cancelled....the step monster determined that I was not supporting her in her " battle " (forgetting the care package, phone calls and e-mails that I had been sending) and instead felt that I was " nagging " them about their coming (I was left hanging for 2 months over if they were coming or not. My focus was not on HER, but on where my children would spend christmas while their father was on the other side of the world). I wanted a straight answer from them, and never got one. I just wanted to make sure my kids were with family at Christmas. Had " I " cancelled, you all know what would have happened " YOU ABANDONDED ME IN MY TIME OF NEEEEEEEDDDDD! " So I demanded that they give me a YES or NO, not this " I understand if you need to make other plans " crap. > > She sent me a nasty e-mail, telling me that she didn't get cancer to ruin my christmas. I sent her a firm reply, reminding her that the christmas was not about HER, but about my girls and that I thought given such a serious illness, she would want to spend it with family. > > She did, just not my family. > > Anyway, she then followed that up with a 3 page letter detailing my faults and her feelings towards me, how I'm a horrible person blah blah blah. > > I have only had EXTREMELY minimal contact with her (she e-mailed me about my dad retiring, I sent a polite reply thanking her for the information). Last thursday, her dog passed away and she sent out a mass e-mail. I sent my condolances along with the rainbow bridge poem, and she e-mails me back, saying that we " should mend our bridges " . > > As far as I am concerned " I " did nothing wrong and have no intention of being her friend, or mending any kind of bridge. She can leap off the said bridge for all I care. > > My dilema is that I know my father wants to come see the girls this summer and I've made it clear to him that she is not welcome in my home. I don't want HER anywhere near my girls. Which is also why I think that she is e-mailing now. They live 2 days away. > > I do need to respond to the e-mail, but I think I'm screwed no matter what I say. I think she is wanting some sort of apology - I hope she's holding her breath cause that will hurry her along to her eternal reward. In other words, she ain't gettin one. > > So. I want to thank her for contacting me, that at least deserves some credit. But, I want to say basically that, out of respect for my father I'll be polite to her, but that is as far as it goes. She detailed her feelings for me in that letter she sent, and frankly....I don't want the crazy to spill over to my girls. Which it will if I allow her " full " access again. > > The last time she was here, she was cold and reserved and judgemental. She actually insulted my girls and husband in my living room - I think she was shocked that I fired back - this was not surprisingly about a week before she got " sick " . Oh, and did I mention that her breast cancer was diagnosed, treated and CURED within 3 months! Unheard of. She made my then 3 year old cry, which is HARD to do. She then also ripped my father a new one for a good 30-40 minutes in the car. MOST uncomfortable ride ever! I was shocked and horrified at what she was saying to my father. I also spoke to my dad about that, telling him that no one who loves another person speaks to them like that. > > Anyway, I need the sage advice of you all. How to formulate a polite reply. I've been thinking, writing and deleting for the last two days and I always revert to snarky, rude or downright nasty replies. I need to play it smart. And cool. She needs to stay at arms length. > > Jen > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 24, 2011 Report Share Posted April 24, 2011 This is what I have so far: +++++++++++++++++++++ Thank you for your e-mail. I believe that you made your thoughts and feelings towards me rather clear in your letter. I do not think that there is anything else that can be said. For my fathers sake I will be polite, but I am not able to give you more than that. +++++++++++++++++++ Nav: She hasn't brought up coming to visit, so I'm not going to address that in her e-mail. She just said that she wants to " mend bridges " , whatever that means in her twisted brain. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 24, 2011 Report Share Posted April 24, 2011 I'm getting the impression that your dad is choosing to allow his wife to speak for him in this matter. He's not interested in pissing her off by seeing you and your family on his own; so its either the both of them or neither of them. I have a feeling that if you speak to your dad about this privately and offer for him to come alone for a visit, he won't take you up on it. That would cause too much friction between him and the Queen. So its your call whether you want to see them both or see neither of them, and under what conditions you would agree to see them, etc. If you try to make your dad choose between you and his wife, he's my guess is that he is likely to choose his wife because he is probably very emotionally dependent on her and needs to stay on good terms with her because she could make his life a living hell if he goes against her wishes. I could be wrong, but that's my take on this based on the fact that its the Queen communicating with you instead of your dad. -Annie > > My mother and step-mother is a BPD, step monster is the Queen type with the added bonus of hypochondriac. I am NC with my mother. > > in 2009, I caught the step monster in several lies, I didn't " call " her on it, but I made it known to her that I knew. She then " developed " breast cancer - which destroyed christmas plans that had been set. My husband was deploying overseas, and my father wanted to come to have Christmas with us. She didn't. > > So, christmas was cancelled....the step monster determined that I was not supporting her in her " battle " (forgetting the care package, phone calls and e-mails that I had been sending) and instead felt that I was " nagging " them about their coming (I was left hanging for 2 months over if they were coming or not. My focus was not on HER, but on where my children would spend christmas while their father was on the other side of the world). I wanted a straight answer from them, and never got one. I just wanted to make sure my kids were with family at Christmas. Had " I " cancelled, you all know what would have happened " YOU ABANDONDED ME IN MY TIME OF NEEEEEEEDDDDD! " So I demanded that they give me a YES or NO, not this " I understand if you need to make other plans " crap. > > She sent me a nasty e-mail, telling me that she didn't get cancer to ruin my christmas. I sent her a firm reply, reminding her that the christmas was not about HER, but about my girls and that I thought given such a serious illness, she would want to spend it with family. > > She did, just not my family. > > Anyway, she then followed that up with a 3 page letter detailing my faults and her feelings towards me, how I'm a horrible person blah blah blah. > > I have only had EXTREMELY minimal contact with her (she e-mailed me about my dad retiring, I sent a polite reply thanking her for the information). Last thursday, her dog passed away and she sent out a mass e-mail. I sent my condolances along with the rainbow bridge poem, and she e-mails me back, saying that we " should mend our bridges " . > > As far as I am concerned " I " did nothing wrong and have no intention of being her friend, or mending any kind of bridge. She can leap off the said bridge for all I care. > > My dilema is that I know my father wants to come see the girls this summer and I've made it clear to him that she is not welcome in my home. I don't want HER anywhere near my girls. Which is also why I think that she is e-mailing now. They live 2 days away. > > I do need to respond to the e-mail, but I think I'm screwed no matter what I say. I think she is wanting some sort of apology - I hope she's holding her breath cause that will hurry her along to her eternal reward. In other words, she ain't gettin one. > > So. I want to thank her for contacting me, that at least deserves some credit. But, I want to say basically that, out of respect for my father I'll be polite to her, but that is as far as it goes. She detailed her feelings for me in that letter she sent, and frankly....I don't want the crazy to spill over to my girls. Which it will if I allow her " full " access again. > > The last time she was here, she was cold and reserved and judgemental. She actually insulted my girls and husband in my living room - I think she was shocked that I fired back - this was not surprisingly about a week before she got " sick " . Oh, and did I mention that her breast cancer was diagnosed, treated and CURED within 3 months! Unheard of. She made my then 3 year old cry, which is HARD to do. She then also ripped my father a new one for a good 30-40 minutes in the car. MOST uncomfortable ride ever! I was shocked and horrified at what she was saying to my father. I also spoke to my dad about that, telling him that no one who loves another person speaks to them like that. > > Anyway, I need the sage advice of you all. How to formulate a polite reply. I've been thinking, writing and deleting for the last two days and I always revert to snarky, rude or downright nasty replies. I need to play it smart. And cool. She needs to stay at arms length. > > Jen > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 24, 2011 Report Share Posted April 24, 2011 Hi If she hasn't brought up the visit then I agree you don't want to mention it. From my experience dealing with my nada I have found that mentioning other people during conversations/texts/emails etc is an invitation for her to start going on how my actions affect that person. Therefore she then gets to play the role of someone showing concerns for another and it becomes about that rather than the boundary I'm setting with nada. I have learned now not to mention other people at all with nada. Therefore do you want to mention your dad at all? This is just my experience. Nav x > > This is what I have so far: > > +++++++++++++++++++++ > Thank you for your e-mail. > > I believe that you made your thoughts and feelings towards me rather clear in your letter. I do not think that there is anything else that can be said. > > For my fathers sake I will be polite, but I am not able to give you more than that. > +++++++++++++++++++ > > Nav: She hasn't brought up coming to visit, so I'm not going to address that in her e-mail. She just said that she wants to " mend bridges " , whatever that means in her twisted brain. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 24, 2011 Report Share Posted April 24, 2011 Annie, you are pretty much bang on with your assesment. It seems that you always " get " my situations, so I seem to think that our experiences were tragically simular. When I was 12, after my mother tried to kill me, I went to live with him - he had just started seeing this woman 8 months prior. He kicked me out 6 months later because I was " troubled " (ya think?), he told me at that time that one day I would make a decision between my child and my spouse, and he was making his. And yes, he frequently communicates through her. I honestly never know what is going on with them, unless I talk to her. These last 2 years have been very quiet - and drama free since I went NC with her. I've been talking to him on the phone at all the big events (birthdays, Christmas etc), but otherwise, nothin. Its been peaceful. She wrote that three page " dressing down " of me last year, and he knew full well what was in it because it was in an envelope with something that he was sending and it was not in a seperate envelope. Plus, he is very very co-dependant with her. He cooks, cleans, does all the errands - so the likely hood of HER sending it is about nil. As far as I am concerned, because he KNEW of what she was writing - he condonded her speaking to me that way. Which is why I've been very " cool " with even him on the phone. I haven't been asking " when are you coming to visit!? " I haven't sent pictures. I'm pretty much done trying to have him have a relationship with my girls. In fact, I find it ironic, that his prophetic words are coming true, only its kind of biting him in the ass, because I choose MY FAMILY over Him. I do suspect that she only sent that e-mail because she sees that he wants to come here. So she is half-heartedly trying. This way she can go " see, I tried....but shes a bitch and won't budge an inch and come kiss my ass and beg my forgiveness " . In all honesty, I'm ambivilant about his visiting and can forsee only stress, anxiety and drama if he/they do come. Jen > > > > My mother and step-mother is a BPD, step monster is the Queen type with the added bonus of hypochondriac. I am NC with my mother. > > > > in 2009, I caught the step monster in several lies, I didn't " call " her on it, but I made it known to her that I knew. She then " developed " breast cancer - which destroyed christmas plans that had been set. My husband was deploying overseas, and my father wanted to come to have Christmas with us. She didn't. > > > > So, christmas was cancelled....the step monster determined that I was not supporting her in her " battle " (forgetting the care package, phone calls and e-mails that I had been sending) and instead felt that I was " nagging " them about their coming (I was left hanging for 2 months over if they were coming or not. My focus was not on HER, but on where my children would spend christmas while their father was on the other side of the world). I wanted a straight answer from them, and never got one. I just wanted to make sure my kids were with family at Christmas. Had " I " cancelled, you all know what would have happened " YOU ABANDONDED ME IN MY TIME OF NEEEEEEEDDDDD! " So I demanded that they give me a YES or NO, not this " I understand if you need to make other plans " crap. > > > > She sent me a nasty e-mail, telling me that she didn't get cancer to ruin my christmas. I sent her a firm reply, reminding her that the christmas was not about HER, but about my girls and that I thought given such a serious illness, she would want to spend it with family. > > > > She did, just not my family. > > > > Anyway, she then followed that up with a 3 page letter detailing my faults and her feelings towards me, how I'm a horrible person blah blah blah. > > > > I have only had EXTREMELY minimal contact with her (she e-mailed me about my dad retiring, I sent a polite reply thanking her for the information). Last thursday, her dog passed away and she sent out a mass e-mail. I sent my condolances along with the rainbow bridge poem, and she e-mails me back, saying that we " should mend our bridges " . > > > > As far as I am concerned " I " did nothing wrong and have no intention of being her friend, or mending any kind of bridge. She can leap off the said bridge for all I care. > > > > My dilema is that I know my father wants to come see the girls this summer and I've made it clear to him that she is not welcome in my home. I don't want HER anywhere near my girls. Which is also why I think that she is e-mailing now. They live 2 days away. > > > > I do need to respond to the e-mail, but I think I'm screwed no matter what I say. I think she is wanting some sort of apology - I hope she's holding her breath cause that will hurry her along to her eternal reward. In other words, she ain't gettin one. > > > > So. I want to thank her for contacting me, that at least deserves some credit. But, I want to say basically that, out of respect for my father I'll be polite to her, but that is as far as it goes. She detailed her feelings for me in that letter she sent, and frankly....I don't want the crazy to spill over to my girls. Which it will if I allow her " full " access again. > > > > The last time she was here, she was cold and reserved and judgemental. She actually insulted my girls and husband in my living room - I think she was shocked that I fired back - this was not surprisingly about a week before she got " sick " . Oh, and did I mention that her breast cancer was diagnosed, treated and CURED within 3 months! Unheard of. She made my then 3 year old cry, which is HARD to do. She then also ripped my father a new one for a good 30-40 minutes in the car. MOST uncomfortable ride ever! I was shocked and horrified at what she was saying to my father. I also spoke to my dad about that, telling him that no one who loves another person speaks to them like that. > > > > Anyway, I need the sage advice of you all. How to formulate a polite reply. I've been thinking, writing and deleting for the last two days and I always revert to snarky, rude or downright nasty replies. I need to play it smart. And cool. She needs to stay at arms length. > > > > Jen > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 26, 2011 Report Share Posted April 26, 2011 Dear Jen, There are two issues I see: 1. Your response to her -- I think your first paragraph is great. Your second paragraph does not need to mention your father (because that gives her the impression that she can use him as a lever to control you to some degree, even if a small degree). I would simply say, " I choose to be a polite person and will be civil in my interactions. " 2. The fact that your father chose his wife over his 12-year-old child speaks volumes about him (not to mention the fact that he has been condoning her nasty behavior for so long). Does he even deserve to be in your children's lives? Can he be trusted not to hurt them at some point? Does he deserve to take away this much mental and emotional energy from your children's mother? Think of all the wonderful, happy things you could have done with your children instead of thinking about this situation over the last few days. In my humble opinion, neither he nor his wife deserve an ounce of your children's mother's emotional energy, and neither of them deserve the love and adoration of two grandchildren. As you stated, your children have one parent half-way around the world, possibly in harms way (I'm guessing that from the word " deployed " ), so you have to be a lioness protecting your cubs and giving them the best of yourself and the world. Any hyenas should be swatted out of the way. Best wishes, Arianna > > > > > > My mother and step-mother is a BPD, step monster is the Queen type with the added bonus of hypochondriac. I am NC with my mother. > > > > > > in 2009, I caught the step monster in several lies, I didn't " call " her on it, but I made it known to her that I knew. She then " developed " breast cancer - which destroyed christmas plans that had been set. My husband was deploying overseas, and my father wanted to come to have Christmas with us. She didn't. > > > > > > So, christmas was cancelled....the step monster determined that I was not supporting her in her " battle " (forgetting the care package, phone calls and e-mails that I had been sending) and instead felt that I was " nagging " them about their coming (I was left hanging for 2 months over if they were coming or not. My focus was not on HER, but on where my children would spend christmas while their father was on the other side of the world). I wanted a straight answer from them, and never got one. I just wanted to make sure my kids were with family at Christmas. Had " I " cancelled, you all know what would have happened " YOU ABANDONDED ME IN MY TIME OF NEEEEEEEDDDDD! " So I demanded that they give me a YES or NO, not this " I understand if you need to make other plans " crap. > > > > > > She sent me a nasty e-mail, telling me that she didn't get cancer to ruin my christmas. I sent her a firm reply, reminding her that the christmas was not about HER, but about my girls and that I thought given such a serious illness, she would want to spend it with family. > > > > > > She did, just not my family. > > > > > > Anyway, she then followed that up with a 3 page letter detailing my faults and her feelings towards me, how I'm a horrible person blah blah blah. > > > > > > I have only had EXTREMELY minimal contact with her (she e-mailed me about my dad retiring, I sent a polite reply thanking her for the information). Last thursday, her dog passed away and she sent out a mass e-mail. I sent my condolances along with the rainbow bridge poem, and she e-mails me back, saying that we " should mend our bridges " . > > > > > > As far as I am concerned " I " did nothing wrong and have no intention of being her friend, or mending any kind of bridge. She can leap off the said bridge for all I care. > > > > > > My dilema is that I know my father wants to come see the girls this summer and I've made it clear to him that she is not welcome in my home. I don't want HER anywhere near my girls. Which is also why I think that she is e-mailing now. They live 2 days away. > > > > > > I do need to respond to the e-mail, but I think I'm screwed no matter what I say. I think she is wanting some sort of apology - I hope she's holding her breath cause that will hurry her along to her eternal reward. In other words, she ain't gettin one. > > > > > > So. I want to thank her for contacting me, that at least deserves some credit. But, I want to say basically that, out of respect for my father I'll be polite to her, but that is as far as it goes. She detailed her feelings for me in that letter she sent, and frankly....I don't want the crazy to spill over to my girls. Which it will if I allow her " full " access again. > > > > > > The last time she was here, she was cold and reserved and judgemental. She actually insulted my girls and husband in my living room - I think she was shocked that I fired back - this was not surprisingly about a week before she got " sick " . Oh, and did I mention that her breast cancer was diagnosed, treated and CURED within 3 months! Unheard of. She made my then 3 year old cry, which is HARD to do. She then also ripped my father a new one for a good 30-40 minutes in the car. MOST uncomfortable ride ever! I was shocked and horrified at what she was saying to my father. I also spoke to my dad about that, telling him that no one who loves another person speaks to them like that. > > > > > > Anyway, I need the sage advice of you all. How to formulate a polite reply. I've been thinking, writing and deleting for the last two days and I always revert to snarky, rude or downright nasty replies. I need to play it smart. And cool. She needs to stay at arms length. > > > > > > Jen > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 27, 2011 Report Share Posted April 27, 2011 Arianna, Thank you so much for your thoughtfull reply! I really like your version better than mine. I have yet to respond, mostly because I keep forgetting, and frankly I wasn't 100% on that response I had put. There was something off about it. I also want to ensure that my reply does not set her off, or leave any openings for her to try and wiggle back into our lives. Its such a difference with how I would have handled this several years ago. Once upon a time I would have rushed to accept blame for anything just to be on better terms with them. Now? Not so much. I love your analogy in the 2nd part of your response, and its very true. I need to get it through my head that I will never have a normal relationship with him, and yes, do I even WANT him to pass along his dysfunction to my kids. Do I want them to wish and hope for a better, loving relationship with him, like I've done my whole life? No. > > > > > > > > My mother and step-mother is a BPD, step monster is the Queen type with the added bonus of hypochondriac. I am NC with my mother. > > > > > > > > in 2009, I caught the step monster in several lies, I didn't " call " her on it, but I made it known to her that I knew. She then " developed " breast cancer - which destroyed christmas plans that had been set. My husband was deploying overseas, and my father wanted to come to have Christmas with us. She didn't. > > > > > > > > So, christmas was cancelled....the step monster determined that I was not supporting her in her " battle " (forgetting the care package, phone calls and e-mails that I had been sending) and instead felt that I was " nagging " them about their coming (I was left hanging for 2 months over if they were coming or not. My focus was not on HER, but on where my children would spend christmas while their father was on the other side of the world). I wanted a straight answer from them, and never got one. I just wanted to make sure my kids were with family at Christmas. Had " I " cancelled, you all know what would have happened " YOU ABANDONDED ME IN MY TIME OF NEEEEEEEDDDDD! " So I demanded that they give me a YES or NO, not this " I understand if you need to make other plans " crap. > > > > > > > > She sent me a nasty e-mail, telling me that she didn't get cancer to ruin my christmas. I sent her a firm reply, reminding her that the christmas was not about HER, but about my girls and that I thought given such a serious illness, she would want to spend it with family. > > > > > > > > She did, just not my family. > > > > > > > > Anyway, she then followed that up with a 3 page letter detailing my faults and her feelings towards me, how I'm a horrible person blah blah blah. > > > > > > > > I have only had EXTREMELY minimal contact with her (she e-mailed me about my dad retiring, I sent a polite reply thanking her for the information). Last thursday, her dog passed away and she sent out a mass e-mail. I sent my condolances along with the rainbow bridge poem, and she e-mails me back, saying that we " should mend our bridges " . > > > > > > > > As far as I am concerned " I " did nothing wrong and have no intention of being her friend, or mending any kind of bridge. She can leap off the said bridge for all I care. > > > > > > > > My dilema is that I know my father wants to come see the girls this summer and I've made it clear to him that she is not welcome in my home. I don't want HER anywhere near my girls. Which is also why I think that she is e-mailing now. They live 2 days away. > > > > > > > > I do need to respond to the e-mail, but I think I'm screwed no matter what I say. I think she is wanting some sort of apology - I hope she's holding her breath cause that will hurry her along to her eternal reward. In other words, she ain't gettin one. > > > > > > > > So. I want to thank her for contacting me, that at least deserves some credit. But, I want to say basically that, out of respect for my father I'll be polite to her, but that is as far as it goes. She detailed her feelings for me in that letter she sent, and frankly....I don't want the crazy to spill over to my girls. Which it will if I allow her " full " access again. > > > > > > > > The last time she was here, she was cold and reserved and judgemental. She actually insulted my girls and husband in my living room - I think she was shocked that I fired back - this was not surprisingly about a week before she got " sick " . Oh, and did I mention that her breast cancer was diagnosed, treated and CURED within 3 months! Unheard of. She made my then 3 year old cry, which is HARD to do. She then also ripped my father a new one for a good 30-40 minutes in the car. MOST uncomfortable ride ever! I was shocked and horrified at what she was saying to my father. I also spoke to my dad about that, telling him that no one who loves another person speaks to them like that. > > > > > > > > Anyway, I need the sage advice of you all. How to formulate a polite reply. I've been thinking, writing and deleting for the last two days and I always revert to snarky, rude or downright nasty replies. I need to play it smart. And cool. She needs to stay at arms length. > > > > > > > > Jen > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 27, 2011 Report Share Posted April 27, 2011 Dear Jen, I am so glad that you are in a better and stronger place than you were a few years ago (I feel the same way when I look back at myself) and are resolved to not allow the Queen and her pawn to rob you of your peace. I wish you continued strength, courage, and most importantly, unadulterated happiness! And one thing I forgot in my previous message, if I understood correctly and your husband is deployed and serving our country - heartfelt thanks to him, to you and to your children, for the sacrifices you are all making each day. Arianna > > > > > > > > > > My mother and step-mother is a BPD, step monster is the Queen type with the added bonus of hypochondriac. I am NC with my mother. > > > > > > > > > > in 2009, I caught the step monster in several lies, I didn't " call " her on it, but I made it known to her that I knew. She then " developed " breast cancer - which destroyed christmas plans that had been set. My husband was deploying overseas, and my father wanted to come to have Christmas with us. She didn't. > > > > > > > > > > So, christmas was cancelled....the step monster determined that I was not supporting her in her " battle " (forgetting the care package, phone calls and e-mails that I had been sending) and instead felt that I was " nagging " them about their coming (I was left hanging for 2 months over if they were coming or not. My focus was not on HER, but on where my children would spend christmas while their father was on the other side of the world). I wanted a straight answer from them, and never got one. I just wanted to make sure my kids were with family at Christmas. Had " I " cancelled, you all know what would have happened " YOU ABANDONDED ME IN MY TIME OF NEEEEEEEDDDDD! " So I demanded that they give me a YES or NO, not this " I understand if you need to make other plans " crap. > > > > > > > > > > She sent me a nasty e-mail, telling me that she didn't get cancer to ruin my christmas. I sent her a firm reply, reminding her that the christmas was not about HER, but about my girls and that I thought given such a serious illness, she would want to spend it with family. > > > > > > > > > > She did, just not my family. > > > > > > > > > > Anyway, she then followed that up with a 3 page letter detailing my faults and her feelings towards me, how I'm a horrible person blah blah blah. > > > > > > > > > > I have only had EXTREMELY minimal contact with her (she e-mailed me about my dad retiring, I sent a polite reply thanking her for the information). Last thursday, her dog passed away and she sent out a mass e-mail. I sent my condolances along with the rainbow bridge poem, and she e-mails me back, saying that we " should mend our bridges " . > > > > > > > > > > As far as I am concerned " I " did nothing wrong and have no intention of being her friend, or mending any kind of bridge. She can leap off the said bridge for all I care. > > > > > > > > > > My dilema is that I know my father wants to come see the girls this summer and I've made it clear to him that she is not welcome in my home. I don't want HER anywhere near my girls. Which is also why I think that she is e-mailing now. They live 2 days away. > > > > > > > > > > I do need to respond to the e-mail, but I think I'm screwed no matter what I say. I think she is wanting some sort of apology - I hope she's holding her breath cause that will hurry her along to her eternal reward. In other words, she ain't gettin one. > > > > > > > > > > So. I want to thank her for contacting me, that at least deserves some credit. But, I want to say basically that, out of respect for my father I'll be polite to her, but that is as far as it goes. She detailed her feelings for me in that letter she sent, and frankly....I don't want the crazy to spill over to my girls. Which it will if I allow her " full " access again. > > > > > > > > > > The last time she was here, she was cold and reserved and judgemental. She actually insulted my girls and husband in my living room - I think she was shocked that I fired back - this was not surprisingly about a week before she got " sick " . Oh, and did I mention that her breast cancer was diagnosed, treated and CURED within 3 months! Unheard of. She made my then 3 year old cry, which is HARD to do. She then also ripped my father a new one for a good 30-40 minutes in the car. MOST uncomfortable ride ever! I was shocked and horrified at what she was saying to my father. I also spoke to my dad about that, telling him that no one who loves another person speaks to them like that. > > > > > > > > > > Anyway, I need the sage advice of you all. How to formulate a polite reply. I've been thinking, writing and deleting for the last two days and I always revert to snarky, rude or downright nasty replies. I need to play it smart. And cool. She needs to stay at arms length. > > > > > > > > > > Jen > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 29, 2011 Report Share Posted April 29, 2011 Hey you, good luck. A tough one. My advice is to keep messages very short and direct. The fewer words you use, the less likely they are to read things into it, play it over and over or hunt for subliminal meanings. When its a conflict situation, I tend to write 3 sentances at the very most. For instance, a middle manager refused to accept some work I did on a volunteer basis for her organization and asked me to redo it. My response was " No thank you, I don't wish to change my work, esp considering that I'm not getting paid. " And that was the end of it. I know its not as emotionally charged a situation, but its the same tactics. That's where I always go, I just share the conclusion that I've come to and then move on. Let their judgements fall where they may. On Wed, Apr 27, 2011 at 2:15 PM, Arianna wrote: > > > Dear Jen, > > I am so glad that you are in a better and stronger place than you were a > few years ago (I feel the same way when I look back at myself) and are > resolved to not allow the Queen and her pawn to rob you of your peace. I > wish you continued strength, courage, and most importantly, unadulterated > happiness! > > And one thing I forgot in my previous message, if I understood correctly > and your husband is deployed and serving our country - heartfelt thanks to > him, to you and to your children, for the sacrifices you are all making each > day. > > > Arianna > > > > > > > > > > > > > > My mother and step-mother is a BPD, step monster is the Queen > type with the added bonus of hypochondriac. I am NC with my mother. > > > > > > > > > > > > in 2009, I caught the step monster in several lies, I didn't > " call " her on it, but I made it known to her that I knew. She then > " developed " breast cancer - which destroyed christmas plans that had been > set. My husband was deploying overseas, and my father wanted to come to have > Christmas with us. She didn't. > > > > > > > > > > > > So, christmas was cancelled....the step monster determined that I > was not supporting her in her " battle " (forgetting the care package, phone > calls and e-mails that I had been sending) and instead felt that I was > " nagging " them about their coming (I was left hanging for 2 months over if > they were coming or not. My focus was not on HER, but on where my children > would spend christmas while their father was on the other side of the > world). I wanted a straight answer from them, and never got one. I just > wanted to make sure my kids were with family at Christmas. Had " I " > cancelled, you all know what would have happened " YOU ABANDONDED ME IN MY > TIME OF NEEEEEEEDDDDD! " So I demanded that they give me a YES or NO, not > this " I understand if you need to make other plans " crap. > > > > > > > > > > > > She sent me a nasty e-mail, telling me that she didn't get cancer > to ruin my christmas. I sent her a firm reply, reminding her that the > christmas was not about HER, but about my girls and that I thought given > such a serious illness, she would want to spend it with family. > > > > > > > > > > > > She did, just not my family. > > > > > > > > > > > > Anyway, she then followed that up with a 3 page letter detailing > my faults and her feelings towards me, how I'm a horrible person blah blah > blah. > > > > > > > > > > > > I have only had EXTREMELY minimal contact with her (she e-mailed > me about my dad retiring, I sent a polite reply thanking her for the > information). Last thursday, her dog passed away and she sent out a mass > e-mail. I sent my condolances along with the rainbow bridge poem, and she > e-mails me back, saying that we " should mend our bridges " . > > > > > > > > > > > > As far as I am concerned " I " did nothing wrong and have no > intention of being her friend, or mending any kind of bridge. She can leap > off the said bridge for all I care. > > > > > > > > > > > > My dilema is that I know my father wants to come see the girls > this summer and I've made it clear to him that she is not welcome in my > home. I don't want HER anywhere near my girls. Which is also why I think > that she is e-mailing now. They live 2 days away. > > > > > > > > > > > > I do need to respond to the e-mail, but I think I'm screwed no > matter what I say. I think she is wanting some sort of apology - I hope > she's holding her breath cause that will hurry her along to her eternal > reward. In other words, she ain't gettin one. > > > > > > > > > > > > So. I want to thank her for contacting me, that at least deserves > some credit. But, I want to say basically that, out of respect for my father > I'll be polite to her, but that is as far as it goes. She detailed her > feelings for me in that letter she sent, and frankly....I don't want the > crazy to spill over to my girls. Which it will if I allow her " full " access > again. > > > > > > > > > > > > The last time she was here, she was cold and reserved and > judgemental. She actually insulted my girls and husband in my living room - > I think she was shocked that I fired back - this was not surprisingly about > a week before she got " sick " . Oh, and did I mention that her breast cancer > was diagnosed, treated and CURED within 3 months! Unheard of. She made my > then 3 year old cry, which is HARD to do. She then also ripped my father a > new one for a good 30-40 minutes in the car. MOST uncomfortable ride ever! I > was shocked and horrified at what she was saying to my father. I also spoke > to my dad about that, telling him that no one who loves another person > speaks to them like that. > > > > > > > > > > > > Anyway, I need the sage advice of you all. How to formulate a > polite reply. I've been thinking, writing and deleting for the last two days > and I always revert to snarky, rude or downright nasty replies. I need to > play it smart. And cool. She needs to stay at arms length. > > > > > > > > > > > > Jen > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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