need guidance

[Guest guest]

My mom appears to be a borderline, has calmed down alot since my childhood but

still very difficult to be around. We live in 2 different countries and I still

have a hard time.

However I developed cancer in Sept and have been successful in keeping her away,

but I need surgery soon and she is threatening to come and " help me " which she

really doesn't know how to do. I've had nightmares about this, her not hearing

me or listening etc. basically doing wha's right for her. I no longer have the

time or will to deal with this. I also don't want to be cruel, but she really

doesn't see our problems and has not indicated that she's noticed any. Any

suggestions? thanks

[Guest guest]

I'm so sorry you have cancer, but I hope the operation will take care of it and

you'll regain your health ASAP.

If you are not accustomed to setting clear, hard, firm boundaries with your bpd

mom, if your way of dealing with her is to meekly state your wishes and then

just passively hope that she will honor them... then this may be the time for

you to be very clear and very firm.

The last thing you need at this point in time is more stress. You'll need to

concentrate on you, and reserve your strength to help you recover quicker.

If the idea of just saying... " No thanks, mom. I've already got everything all

taken care of, all my arrangements are fine, and I would prefer to recover

quietly alone at my home. No, I prefer for you not to come until after I am

fully recovered. I'll let you know when I'll be recovered enough for a visit. "

....is horribly stressful for you, then, perhaps you can ask your doctor to say

it for you: that peace and quiet are in your best interest for a quick recovery.

And do make all your plans and arrangements ahead of time, make sure that your

care-giver(s) know that your mother is not to be admitted to your room at the

hospital or at home, and that you do not want to speak with her on the phone, or

whatever.

You need everyone to be on the same page with you on this ahead of time.

Just my two cent's worth, to take or leave.

-Annie

>

> My mom appears to be a borderline, has calmed down alot since my childhood but

still very difficult to be around. We live in 2 different countries and I still

have a hard time.

> However I developed cancer in Sept and have been successful in keeping her

away, but I need surgery soon and she is threatening to come and " help me " which

she really doesn't know how to do. I've had nightmares about this, her not

hearing me or listening etc. basically doing wha's right for her. I no longer

have the time or will to deal with this. I also don't want to be cruel, but she

really doesn't see our problems and has not indicated that she's noticed any.

Any suggestions? thanks

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Kim,

I am so sorry you have been diagnosed with cancer and I send you best wishes for

complete and lasting remission following your surgery.

Annie's suggestion about setting a firm boundary is excellent, if you can do it

and follow through. In case this is not something that you think will work I

have an additional suggestion. (If your mother is anything like mine, who loves

to " help " , so that she can later hold it over your head and shout it from the

rooftops to the world (how she swooped in and rescued you and if it weren't for

her you would be destroyed, blah, blah, blah), this is a time when your

boundaries, no matter how firm, may not withstand her.)

I know this sounds deceptive and may bother you a bit as a truthful and

honorable person, but under these circumstances it may be a small price to pay.

You can tell her the surgery is a few months after the real date of your surgery

- so if you are having surgery next month, tell her it's scheduled for

September. Don't give her a specific date yet, just say September and you'll

know the specifics when it gets closer, so she cannot buy airline tickets, etc.

This way you can focus on taking good care of yourself and being mentally and

emotionally strong so your body to go through surgery. There is a correlation

between patient attitudes, psychosocial stress and cancer outcomes - so the

better you feel, the more positive you are, and the less stressed you are, the

better everything will turn out physically.

After the surgery, whenever you feel like you can deal with her, you can tell

her you just had the surgery. When she asks why it was so early and why you

didn't tell her, you can say that you weren't feeling well, went to the doctor,

they sent you to the hospital right away and then you were rushed to surgery

before you had a chance to contact anyone. If she asks why you didn't call her

immediately after the surgery you can tell her that you were in and out of

consciousness due to medications for a little while, and you didn't have a phone

other than the hospital phone (no international calls). If she asks why you

didn't ask anyone else to call, you can say everything was too hectic.

I know, it's terrible that I have actually thought of this very elaborate lie

with prepared answers for all her questions. Unfortunately, I had a small cancer

scare in early January (thankfully it was nothing malignant), and had to come up

with this sorts of contingency plans because I could not fathom dealing with my

mother*** on top of everything else.

Best wishes for good health,

Arianna

***The last time my mother was involved in anything health related with me was

the birth of my first child and she would have killed both me and the baby, not

intentionally, but because she was completely out of control and wouldn't allow

me to make any medical decisions or sign any forms for lifesaving intervention

(she literally yanked pen and papers from my hands repeatedly). The doctor

walked in to witness the madness and he threatened to have security escort her

out of the hospital and/or call the police. She behaved through the rest of the

birth, but he ended up having to call security afterward anyways because she

blocked the door and wouldn't let my husband into my room then started screaming

and throwing things, including a large glass vase full of water and flowers.

>

> My mom appears to be a borderline, has calmed down alot since my childhood but

still very difficult to be around. We live in 2 different countries and I still

have a hard time.

> However I developed cancer in Sept and have been successful in keeping her

away, but I need surgery soon and she is threatening to come and " help me " which

she really doesn't know how to do. I've had nightmares about this, her not

hearing me or listening etc. basically doing wha's right for her. I no longer

have the time or will to deal with this. I also don't want to be cruel, but she

really doesn't see our problems and has not indicated that she's noticed any.

Any suggestions? thanks

>