Guest guest Posted April 24, 2011 Report Share Posted April 24, 2011 Sometimes I feel guilty because the BP in my life has not officially been diagnosed with BP, but I think he meets the traits pretty well. When he starts making me feel guilty, sometimes I feel that I have the RIGHT to feel that way because he was never officially diagnosed...that my belief that he is in fact borderline is just a speculation, and that I can excuse his past emotional abuse because it wasn't " as bad " as other people have had it. I'm being selfish by setting limits and distancing myself from behavior that might just be not-too-abusive. I haven't had to get a restraining order, the BP has never been hospitalized or made any suicide threats. But, the emotional scars I've had from him are beyond imaginable, and there are times that he can fit the criteria for the PD. Maybe I am just in denial and I want to hide from the reality that there is someone with BP in my life, and I HAVE been affected. Has anyone else had a tough time with guilt and distancing yourself from the BP, ESPECIALLY if the BP has not been officially diagnosed? How do you work around this? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 24, 2011 Report Share Posted April 24, 2011 You're not alone!!! I myself am dealing with this very same thing right now as we speak, except my nada is threatening to kill herself and it's all my fault. My opinion...you gotta do what's best for you to maintain your own sanity and protect your own family. People say not to feel guilty, but I know that's easier said than done. I wish you luck and all the strength in the world to get through this. > > Sometimes I feel guilty because the BP in my life has not officially been diagnosed with BP, but I think he meets the traits pretty well. When he starts making me feel guilty, sometimes I feel that I have the RIGHT to feel that way because he was never officially diagnosed...that my belief that he is in fact borderline is just a speculation, and that I can excuse his past emotional abuse because it wasn't " as bad " as other people have had it. I'm being selfish by setting limits and distancing myself from behavior that might just be not-too-abusive. I haven't had to get a restraining order, the BP has never been hospitalized or made any suicide threats. But, the emotional scars I've had from him are beyond imaginable, and there are times that he can fit the criteria for the PD. Maybe I am just in denial and I want to hide from the reality that there is someone with BP in my life, and I HAVE been affected. > > Has anyone else had a tough time with guilt and distancing yourself from the BP, ESPECIALLY if the BP has not been officially diagnosed? How do you work around this? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 24, 2011 Report Share Posted April 24, 2011 My mother was never officially diagnosed with BPD. I've read a few books and she fits the bill from what I understand and my childhood fits the bill of a KO, or a child of a BPD parent. If I am wrong, and I very well might be, as I am not qualified to diagnose BPD, the pain she has caused me does not change. Whether she is BPD or not, the lies, manipulation, rages, and laundry list of reasons that I went no contact do not need an official diagnoses for me to feel at peace with my decision to no longer have her in my life. Before going no contact, my last ditch effort was to ask my nada if she would be willing to go to mother daughter therapy to help us iron out our long standing issues. She refused. I went no contact and left the door open that if she was ever willing to go to joint therapy, then I will consider talking to her again. She wrote me rageful letters, harassing phone calls, packages, and stalked everyone I'd ever known that she could track down, including old high school friends of mine...but never agreed to therapy. Guess she's afraid I might be right? (I've told her I think she has BPD) > > Sometimes I feel guilty because the BP in my life has not officially been diagnosed with BP, but I think he meets the traits pretty well. When he starts making me feel guilty, sometimes I feel that I have the RIGHT to feel that way because he was never officially diagnosed...that my belief that he is in fact borderline is just a speculation, and that I can excuse his past emotional abuse because it wasn't " as bad " as other people have had it. I'm being selfish by setting limits and distancing myself from behavior that might just be not-too-abusive. I haven't had to get a restraining order, the BP has never been hospitalized or made any suicide threats. But, the emotional scars I've had from him are beyond imaginable, and there are times that he can fit the criteria for the PD. Maybe I am just in denial and I want to hide from the reality that there is someone with BP in my life, and I HAVE been affected. > > Has anyone else had a tough time with guilt and distancing yourself from the BP, ESPECIALLY if the BP has not been officially diagnosed? How do you work around this? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 24, 2011 Report Share Posted April 24, 2011 Its a different relationship dynamic/ power dynamic when you're talking about distancing yourself from a chosen relationship with a bpd lover (or spouse or friend) as opposed to an unchosen relationship with a bpd parent or a bpd child. Is it your father who is the bpd person in your life? -Annie > > Sometimes I feel guilty because the BP in my life has not officially been diagnosed with BP, but I think he meets the traits pretty well. When he starts making me feel guilty, sometimes I feel that I have the RIGHT to feel that way because he was never officially diagnosed...that my belief that he is in fact borderline is just a speculation, and that I can excuse his past emotional abuse because it wasn't " as bad " as other people have had it. I'm being selfish by setting limits and distancing myself from behavior that might just be not-too-abusive. I haven't had to get a restraining order, the BP has never been hospitalized or made any suicide threats. But, the emotional scars I've had from him are beyond imaginable, and there are times that he can fit the criteria for the PD. Maybe I am just in denial and I want to hide from the reality that there is someone with BP in my life, and I HAVE been affected. > > Has anyone else had a tough time with guilt and distancing yourself from the BP, ESPECIALLY if the BP has not been officially diagnosed? How do you work around this? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 25, 2011 Report Share Posted April 25, 2011 Yeah, it's my father/ > > > > Sometimes I feel guilty because the BP in my life has not officially been diagnosed with BP, but I think he meets the traits pretty well. When he starts making me feel guilty, sometimes I feel that I have the RIGHT to feel that way because he was never officially diagnosed...that my belief that he is in fact borderline is just a speculation, and that I can excuse his past emotional abuse because it wasn't " as bad " as other people have had it. I'm being selfish by setting limits and distancing myself from behavior that might just be not-too-abusive. I haven't had to get a restraining order, the BP has never been hospitalized or made any suicide threats. But, the emotional scars I've had from him are beyond imaginable, and there are times that he can fit the criteria for the PD. Maybe I am just in denial and I want to hide from the reality that there is someone with BP in my life, and I HAVE been affected. > > > > Has anyone else had a tough time with guilt and distancing yourself from the BP, ESPECIALLY if the BP has not been officially diagnosed? How do you work around this? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 25, 2011 Report Share Posted April 25, 2011 Welcome to the Group, Newlife, and all other new or newish members here. I think the majority of the Group members have a parent who has NOT been formally diagnosed. The lack of a formal diagnosis does not change the fact that the very real negative, hurtful behaviors you've experienced/experience from your father are actually emotional abuse. Its not easy to overcome misplaced guilt and inappropriate feelings of responsibility for a personality-disordered parent because our parent has trained us from birth to feel that their moods and their well-being ARE our responsibility. I grew up thinking that there must be something deeply and fundamentally wrong with me that " made " my mother so angry at me so often. Hardly anything about me was ever good enough for her, so I understand being burdened with misplaced, inappropriate feelings of shame and defectiveness by one's own parent. We have basically been brainwashed or conditioned from babyhood to accept and endure emotional abuse. You seem to be at a point where you comprehend that his treatment of you is abusive, but you're blocked from protecting yourself/ distancing yourself by these inappropriate feelings of guilt and responsibility. Maybe it will help you to keep telling yourself that you did not make your father the way he is. Your father was personality-disordered when you were born. You did not cause him to be this way, and you can't " cure " him. All the responsibility/guilt for his own feelings belongs on HIS shoulders, not yours. He has the power to decide to get therapy for himself and to try and change his behaviors, and he has *always had that power* as an adult. All you have the power to do is control your own life, not his. And you have the right to protect yourself from abuse. It truly is as simple as that. Protecting yourself from an abusive person, even though its your father, does NOT make you a bad person or a bad daughter. You were NOT put on this earth to be an emotional punching bag for someone else. I suggest that you check out the book " Surviving A Borderline Parent " , and other good books like " Toxic Parents " , " Boundaries " , and perhaps books about overcoming co-dependency. There is a reading list at the home site for this Group. Therapy can help too. If you choose to go into therapy, I suggest that you search for a therapist who is familiar with treating the adult survivors of child abuse, or with treating the adult children of alcoholics (the kinds of damage done are similar.) So, welcome. You've found a bunch of fellow adult children of abusive parents who are all on the road to healing and peace, and who " get " what you're talking about. -Annie > > Sometimes I feel guilty because the BP in my life has not officially been diagnosed with BP, but I think he meets the traits pretty well. When he starts making me feel guilty, sometimes I feel that I have the RIGHT to feel that way because he was never officially diagnosed...that my belief that he is in fact borderline is just a speculation, and that I can excuse his past emotional abuse because it wasn't " as bad " as other people have had it. I'm being selfish by setting limits and distancing myself from behavior that might just be not-too-abusive. I haven't had to get a restraining order, the BP has never been hospitalized or made any suicide threats. But, the emotional scars I've had from him are beyond imaginable, and there are times that he can fit the criteria for the PD. Maybe I am just in denial and I want to hide from the reality that there is someone with BP in my life, and I HAVE been affected. > > Has anyone else had a tough time with guilt and distancing yourself from the BP, ESPECIALLY if the BP has not been officially diagnosed? How do you work around this? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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